Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Dusty964 said:
Ructions said:
I hate it when somebody from here uses American terminology:
Me: It's 'biscuits' not 'cookies'!
Librarian: OK the biscuits on the computer you used last time showed you were looking at animal porn. Please leave.
You can get around the issue.Me: It's 'biscuits' not 'cookies'!
Librarian: OK the biscuits on the computer you used last time showed you were looking at animal porn. Please leave.
Our IT guy asked me- 'have you disabled cookies'
I said 'no, but once I bit the legs off a gingerbread man'.
northwest monkey said:
I was watching a movie with my son the other day & noticed he was looking upset.
I asked him what was wrong, and he asked me "Is the nice lady going to die?".
I thought about it, then said "Well judging by the size of the cock on that horse son, probably yes."
Wrong.... but I asked him what was wrong, and he asked me "Is the nice lady going to die?".
I thought about it, then said "Well judging by the size of the cock on that horse son, probably yes."
Heard something brilliant as I was walking down the street earlier, some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door so I pretended to look in my bag for something so I could have a cheeky listen 😏
glad I did.
"Do you watch live TV sir?"
"Nah mate, TV's s
te, don't even own one. Prefer my music me"
"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"
"I don't have to let you in do I?"
"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV, that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a licence"
"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers, that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."
With that, the door was closed.
glad I did.
"Do you watch live TV sir?"
"Nah mate, TV's s
te, don't even own one. Prefer my music me""May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"
"I don't have to let you in do I?"
"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV, that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a licence"
"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers, that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."
With that, the door was closed.
Kenty said:
Heard something brilliant as I was walking down the street earlier, some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door so I pretended to look in my bag for something so I could have a cheeky listen ??
glad I did.
"Do you watch live TV sir?"
"Nah mate, TV's ste, don't even own one. Prefer my music me"
"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"
"I don't have to let you in do I?"
"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV, that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a licence"
"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers, that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."
With that, the door was closed.
Some of the best comedy comes from reality. How soon before we here this one on TV. glad I did.
"Do you watch live TV sir?"
"Nah mate, TV's s
te, don't even own one. Prefer my music me""May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"
"I don't have to let you in do I?"
"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV, that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a licence"
"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers, that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a cock..."
With that, the door was closed.
An upwardly mobile career lady found that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. At the end of the consultation the vet gave her the advice that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
So the lady went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.” To which the lady replies “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.” Starting to become slightly annoyed the lady replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
To which the pharmacist said, “Well then, do stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”
So the lady went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.” To which the lady replies “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.” Starting to become slightly annoyed the lady replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
To which the pharmacist said, “Well then, do stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”
Two Italian men get on a bus...
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
scorcher said:
A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Well, fk a duck. Justayellowbadge said:
scorcher said:
A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Well, fk a duck. Nah! Mallard.
Come now gentlemen! There's a perfectly good puns threads here you know. I suggest you head over there before we give you the bird.
In other news:
My brother's just been banned from our local record shop. I still say it's not his fault though. He saw this big sign saying "TAKE THAT ...
... so he did.
In other news:
My brother's just been banned from our local record shop. I still say it's not his fault though. He saw this big sign saying "TAKE THAT ...
... so he did.
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