Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Phil Dicky said:
B'stard Child said:
Mutley said:
Muntu said:
Michael J Fox was arrested today for shoplifting.
Serves him right for trying to steal a tambourine
So wrong, but, Serves him right for trying to steal a tambourine
Google didn't help.....
Sad face..................
B'stard Child said:
Phil Dicky said:
B'stard Child said:
Mutley said:
Muntu said:
Michael J Fox was arrested today for shoplifting.
Serves him right for trying to steal a tambourine
So wrong, but, Serves him right for trying to steal a tambourine
Google didn't help.....
Sad face..................
A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to L.A. with a ticket for coach. Once she boards, she chooses an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she has to move back.
The blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to L.A.”
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde’s ear.
She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.
“I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to L.A.”
The blonde replies, “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to L.A.”
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde’s ear.
She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.
“I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to L.A.”
A worried-looking tramp once approached another tramp and said,
“Pete, old boy, you’ve been a tramp a fair bit longer than I have, you’re quite streetwise and know your way about.”
Pete said, “D’ya want me to ‘elp ya wiv sumfink, Gerald?”
“Yes if you can,” said Gerald, “but it’s a bit personal, bit delicate, is that all right?”
“Yeah, thass OK mate,” said Pete, “Fire away.”
“Well,” said Gerald, “I was wondering what us tramps do about, umm … you know … thing.”
“Fing?”
“Yes … um … well, not to put too fine a point on it, sex.”
“Ah, shaggin’ yer mean. Well we do awright, there’s always a few lady tramps abaht. I mean look over there, there’s ole Hazel, she’s a bit of
a tart, she’ll do it wiv anybody.”
“So she’d do it with me then?”
“I should fink so, I mean you’re still fairly young, good looking boy, talk proper, she’ll like all that.”
At this news, Gerald brightened up somewhat.
“S’not for free, though, o’ course, you’ll ‘ave ter give ‘er sumfink in return.”
“But us tramps don’t have much,” said Gerald, now worried again. “What do you think she’ll charge?”
“Oh she won’t want dosh,” said Pete. “All you ‘ave ter do is find sumfink she needs and give ‘er that. Come on, let’s go and ‘ave a word.”
So the two went over to Hazel, where Pete exclaimed the situation. Hazel looked Gerald up and down and said it would be no problem.
“But what would you want in exchange for this … er … service?” asked Gerald anxiously.
Hazel had a think and said, “Well, I’m a bit short of things to wear.”
“Right,” said Pete. “Come on mate, we’re goin’ ‘untin’.” And he dragged Gerald away. After about an hour of searching they found a huge
skip, and digging around, Pete found an old pair of trainers in the bottom.
“There y’are,” he said. “All yer need to do is glue this sole back on where it’s comin’ off, bit o’ white paint to cover up these scuffs an’ that, then these’ll look as good as new. Good as new for a tramp anyway.”
So Gerald took the trainers home and after a bit of refurbishment went back to Hazel and showed them to her.
“They look nice,” she said. “OK, we can do the deal. Come ‘ere.”
So the two went over to a pile of scrap, disrobed and lay down on it.
“There’s just one thing,” explained Hazel. “I’ve been doing this for so long that I don’t get any pleasure from it anymore, so if you’re expecting any passion, moaning and groaning and all that, you’ll be disappointed. But you can have your wicked way with me, no bother.”
So Gerald got started, but was a little surprised when after a minute or two, he felt an arm reaching round behind him. He was even more surprised a couple of minutes later when the other arm followed. Thinking, I must be doing something right, he then found a leg sneaking round. Wow, this is good! Suddenly the other leg came up in the air and was gripping him tightly.
He couldn’t help it; he had to say something. He stopped.
“Hazel – I thought you said that these days there wasn’t any passion?”
“Passion?” said Hazel. “Bugger that, I’m just trying the bleedin’ trainers on.”
“Pete, old boy, you’ve been a tramp a fair bit longer than I have, you’re quite streetwise and know your way about.”
Pete said, “D’ya want me to ‘elp ya wiv sumfink, Gerald?”
“Yes if you can,” said Gerald, “but it’s a bit personal, bit delicate, is that all right?”
“Yeah, thass OK mate,” said Pete, “Fire away.”
“Well,” said Gerald, “I was wondering what us tramps do about, umm … you know … thing.”
“Fing?”
“Yes … um … well, not to put too fine a point on it, sex.”
“Ah, shaggin’ yer mean. Well we do awright, there’s always a few lady tramps abaht. I mean look over there, there’s ole Hazel, she’s a bit of
a tart, she’ll do it wiv anybody.”
“So she’d do it with me then?”
“I should fink so, I mean you’re still fairly young, good looking boy, talk proper, she’ll like all that.”
At this news, Gerald brightened up somewhat.
“S’not for free, though, o’ course, you’ll ‘ave ter give ‘er sumfink in return.”
“But us tramps don’t have much,” said Gerald, now worried again. “What do you think she’ll charge?”
“Oh she won’t want dosh,” said Pete. “All you ‘ave ter do is find sumfink she needs and give ‘er that. Come on, let’s go and ‘ave a word.”
So the two went over to Hazel, where Pete exclaimed the situation. Hazel looked Gerald up and down and said it would be no problem.
“But what would you want in exchange for this … er … service?” asked Gerald anxiously.
Hazel had a think and said, “Well, I’m a bit short of things to wear.”
“Right,” said Pete. “Come on mate, we’re goin’ ‘untin’.” And he dragged Gerald away. After about an hour of searching they found a huge
skip, and digging around, Pete found an old pair of trainers in the bottom.
“There y’are,” he said. “All yer need to do is glue this sole back on where it’s comin’ off, bit o’ white paint to cover up these scuffs an’ that, then these’ll look as good as new. Good as new for a tramp anyway.”
So Gerald took the trainers home and after a bit of refurbishment went back to Hazel and showed them to her.
“They look nice,” she said. “OK, we can do the deal. Come ‘ere.”
So the two went over to a pile of scrap, disrobed and lay down on it.
“There’s just one thing,” explained Hazel. “I’ve been doing this for so long that I don’t get any pleasure from it anymore, so if you’re expecting any passion, moaning and groaning and all that, you’ll be disappointed. But you can have your wicked way with me, no bother.”
So Gerald got started, but was a little surprised when after a minute or two, he felt an arm reaching round behind him. He was even more surprised a couple of minutes later when the other arm followed. Thinking, I must be doing something right, he then found a leg sneaking round. Wow, this is good! Suddenly the other leg came up in the air and was gripping him tightly.
He couldn’t help it; he had to say something. He stopped.
“Hazel – I thought you said that these days there wasn’t any passion?”
“Passion?” said Hazel. “Bugger that, I’m just trying the bleedin’ trainers on.”
Evangelion said:
A worried-looking tramp once approached another tramp and said,
“Pete, old boy, you’ve been a tramp a fair bit longer than I have, you’re quite streetwise and know your way about.”
Pete said, “D’ya want me to ‘elp ya wiv sumfink, Gerald?”
“Yes if you can,” said Gerald, “but it’s a bit personal, bit delicate, is that all right?”
“Yeah, thass OK mate,” said Pete, “Fire away.”
“Well,” said Gerald, “I was wondering what us tramps do about, umm … you know … thing.”
“Fing?”
“Yes … um … well, not to put too fine a point on it, sex.”
“Ah, shaggin’ yer mean. Well we do awright, there’s always a few lady tramps abaht. I mean look over there, there’s ole Hazel, she’s a bit of
a tart, she’ll do it wiv anybody.”
“So she’d do it with me then?”
“I should fink so, I mean you’re still fairly young, good looking boy, talk proper, she’ll like all that.”
At this news, Gerald brightened up somewhat.
“S’not for free, though, o’ course, you’ll ‘ave ter give ‘er sumfink in return.”
“But us tramps don’t have much,” said Gerald, now worried again. “What do you think she’ll charge?”
“Oh she won’t want dosh,” said Pete. “All you ‘ave ter do is find sumfink she needs and give ‘er that. Come on, let’s go and ‘ave a word.”
So the two went over to Hazel, where Pete exclaimed the situation. Hazel looked Gerald up and down and said it would be no problem.
“But what would you want in exchange for this … er … service?” asked Gerald anxiously.
Hazel had a think and said, “Well, I’m a bit short of things to wear.”
“Right,” said Pete. “Come on mate, we’re goin’ ‘untin’.” And he dragged Gerald away. After about an hour of searching they found a huge
skip, and digging around, Pete found an old pair of trainers in the bottom.
“There y’are,” he said. “All yer need to do is glue this sole back on where it’s comin’ off, bit o’ white paint to cover up these scuffs an’ that, then these’ll look as good as new. Good as new for a tramp anyway.”
So Gerald took the trainers home and after a bit of refurbishment went back to Hazel and showed them to her.
“They look nice,” she said. “OK, we can do the deal. Come ‘ere.”
So the two went over to a pile of scrap, disrobed and lay down on it.
“There’s just one thing,” explained Hazel. “I’ve been doing this for so long that I don’t get any pleasure from it anymore, so if you’re expecting any passion, moaning and groaning and all that, you’ll be disappointed. But you can have your wicked way with me, no bother.”
So Gerald got started, but was a little surprised when after a minute or two, he felt an arm reaching round behind him. He was even more surprised a couple of minutes later when the other arm followed. Thinking, I must be doing something right, he then found a leg sneaking round. Wow, this is good! Suddenly the other leg came up in the air and was gripping him tightly.
He couldn’t help it; he had to say something. He stopped.
“Hazel – I thought you said that these days there wasn’t any passion?”
“Passion?” said Hazel. “Bugger that, I’m just trying the bleedin’ trainers on.”
“Pete, old boy, you’ve been a tramp a fair bit longer than I have, you’re quite streetwise and know your way about.”
Pete said, “D’ya want me to ‘elp ya wiv sumfink, Gerald?”
“Yes if you can,” said Gerald, “but it’s a bit personal, bit delicate, is that all right?”
“Yeah, thass OK mate,” said Pete, “Fire away.”
“Well,” said Gerald, “I was wondering what us tramps do about, umm … you know … thing.”
“Fing?”
“Yes … um … well, not to put too fine a point on it, sex.”
“Ah, shaggin’ yer mean. Well we do awright, there’s always a few lady tramps abaht. I mean look over there, there’s ole Hazel, she’s a bit of
a tart, she’ll do it wiv anybody.”
“So she’d do it with me then?”
“I should fink so, I mean you’re still fairly young, good looking boy, talk proper, she’ll like all that.”
At this news, Gerald brightened up somewhat.
“S’not for free, though, o’ course, you’ll ‘ave ter give ‘er sumfink in return.”
“But us tramps don’t have much,” said Gerald, now worried again. “What do you think she’ll charge?”
“Oh she won’t want dosh,” said Pete. “All you ‘ave ter do is find sumfink she needs and give ‘er that. Come on, let’s go and ‘ave a word.”
So the two went over to Hazel, where Pete exclaimed the situation. Hazel looked Gerald up and down and said it would be no problem.
“But what would you want in exchange for this … er … service?” asked Gerald anxiously.
Hazel had a think and said, “Well, I’m a bit short of things to wear.”
“Right,” said Pete. “Come on mate, we’re goin’ ‘untin’.” And he dragged Gerald away. After about an hour of searching they found a huge
skip, and digging around, Pete found an old pair of trainers in the bottom.
“There y’are,” he said. “All yer need to do is glue this sole back on where it’s comin’ off, bit o’ white paint to cover up these scuffs an’ that, then these’ll look as good as new. Good as new for a tramp anyway.”
So Gerald took the trainers home and after a bit of refurbishment went back to Hazel and showed them to her.
“They look nice,” she said. “OK, we can do the deal. Come ‘ere.”
So the two went over to a pile of scrap, disrobed and lay down on it.
“There’s just one thing,” explained Hazel. “I’ve been doing this for so long that I don’t get any pleasure from it anymore, so if you’re expecting any passion, moaning and groaning and all that, you’ll be disappointed. But you can have your wicked way with me, no bother.”
So Gerald got started, but was a little surprised when after a minute or two, he felt an arm reaching round behind him. He was even more surprised a couple of minutes later when the other arm followed. Thinking, I must be doing something right, he then found a leg sneaking round. Wow, this is good! Suddenly the other leg came up in the air and was gripping him tightly.
He couldn’t help it; he had to say something. He stopped.
“Hazel – I thought you said that these days there wasn’t any passion?”
“Passion?” said Hazel. “Bugger that, I’m just trying the bleedin’ trainers on.”
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