Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[MartG]

Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly. She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.
She turned to the First Officer and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?"
He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my fking advice, he'll ask me."

[Mothersruin]

Muntu said:

Michael J Fox was arrested today for shoplifting.

Serves him right for trying to steal a tambourine

That's going straight to Facebook to see who else I need to de-friend.

[mickk]

I woke up completely bald this morning!

Obviously the missus misunderstood when I suggested she shaved her tt...

[Muntu]

I've just invented a perfume made from holy water.

Eau my God.

[K12beano]

And the 163rd annual Boat Race finished in record time today when the crews were told at the halfway point about the unexploded bomb discovered in the Thames....

[Jonboy_t]

Some jumped up little prick just had a go at my wife for breastfeeding in public, couldn't believe what I was hearing! He said it was disgusting and we should keep things like that to our own home. I bit back though, told him that what she was doing was one of the most natural things in the world and really helps to strengthen the bond between her and the dog.

[twing]

And it's goodnight from him. RIP

[Vaud]

twing said:

And it's goodnight from him. RIP

A YEAR AGO!

[louiebaby]

Vaud said:

twing said:

And it's goodnight from him. RIP

A YEAR AGO!

31st March 2016...

Unless I'm due a parrot?

[Vaud]

louiebaby said:

31st March 2016...

Unless I'm due a parrot?

It resurfaced on the BBC home page as a top article today (with the date in small print) so I can see why it's being requoted, to be fair.

[twing]

fks sake! Stand down chaps, Google threw up an old page.

ETA Thanks Vaud, I don't feel so cretinous now

[Vaud]

twing said:

fks sake! Stand down chaps, Google threw up an old page.

ETA Thanks Vaud, I don't feel so cretinous now

To be fair it caught me when I saw the BBC home page, made me double take.

Have this to rebalance the world.

The One Ronnie

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-35934...

[Evangelion]

Took the family on a day trip to Glastonbury at the weekend. But we had to leave early because our youngest kept getting harassed by a sailor.

He was from a tor paedo boat.

[callmedave]

£100 for 8 legs of venison


It that too dear?

[noell35]

callmedave said:

£100 for 8 legs of venison


It that too dear?

No ideer

[twing]

noell35 said:

No ideer

It had no legs....still no idea

[GloverMart]

My missus bought me a Blur alarm clock for my birthday recently.

Now, I always wake up listening to Park Life, except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by the dustmen.

[McAndy]

GloverMart said:

My missus bought me a Blur alarm clock for my birthday recently.

Now, I always wake up listening to Park Life, except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by the dustmen.

[Quickmoose]

twing said:

noell35 said:

No ideer

It had no legs....still no idea

and it got mounted by another deer......still no fu(?!ng idea.

[K12beano]

Quickmoose said:

twing said:

noell35 said:

No ideer

It had no legs....still no idea

and it got mounted by another deer......still no fu(?!ng idea.

Can't see it....