Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[Fer]

Following on from the Blur joke.

I was in the pub lunchtime, and they were advertising Oasis soup. I asked the bar maid what that was, and she told me it was normal soup, but you got a roll with it.

[davhill]

Little Silas the snake said, "Mum, am I one of those snakes what curls around and squeezes ever so hard until what I'm squeezing dies, or one of those snakes what bites and poisons what I've bitten so it dies?"

Mummy snake replies, " You're a boa constrictor, Just like me and your dad. You're a squeezy snake, not a bitey one. Why do you ask, son?"

"I've just bitten me tongue."
'

[Vipers]

I was in a cafe today and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.

I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

[Allyc85]

Went to see the Red Arrows

So many near misses, screams of "ooh" and "aah"

Eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show!

[Tony 1234]

Vipers said:

I was in a cafe today and two waitresses had a massive row over how long to leave a teabag in the cup and it got so bad it ended up in violence.

I asked the manager what had happened and he told me it had been brewing for ages.

[Alex]

Fer said:

Following on from the Blur joke.

I was in the pub lunchtime, and they were advertising Oasis soup. I asked the bar maid what that was, and she told me it was normal soup, but you got a roll with it.

What's the first sign of madness? Suggs walking up your driveway.

[Vipers]

Colonel says to the barman

"I haven't had a drink since 1950 and I feel I need one now"

Barman says "Now that's will power, no drinking since 1950"

Colonel looks at his watch and says "Oh I don't know, it's nearly 2000"

[Muntu]

Vipers said:

Colonel says to the barman

"I haven't had a drink since 1950 and I feel I need one now"

Barman says "Now that's will power, no drinking since 1950"

Colonel looks at his watch and says "Oh I don't know, it's nearly 2000"

[Vipers]

Muntu said:

Vipers said:

Colonel says to the barman

"I haven't had a drink since 1950 and I feel I need one now"

Barman says "Now that's will power, no drinking since 1950"

Colonel looks at his watch and says "Oh I don't know, it's nearly 2000"

It's obviously very good, but I have no idea who he is, do tell me please?

[MartG]

Vipers said:

It's obviously very good, but I have no idea who he is, do tell me please?

Will Power, Indycar driver

[Muntu]

Vipers said:

Muntu said:

Vipers said:

Colonel says to the barman

"I haven't had a drink since 1950 and I feel I need one now"

Barman says "Now that's will power, no drinking since 1950"

Colonel looks at his watch and says "Oh I don't know, it's nearly 2000"

It's obviously very good, but I have no idea who he is, do tell me please?

He is Will Power


I was taking the piss out of you writing "willpower" as two separate words. Sorry!

[Vizsla]

Just read that Mary Berry is planning to write an erotic 'Jilly Cooperesque' novel about cooking.


Provisional title : 'Fifty Shades of Gravy'

[Vipers]

Muntu said:

I was taking the piss out of you writing "willpower" as two separate words. Sorry!

Thanks for that, you have my sense of humour now I know who he is.

Not sure if I have posted this one before guys.

Geordie at the Queens garden party when the queen comes up to Geordie with a tray and says "Would you like a cake or meringue?"

Geordie says "Your reet, I'll have a cake".

[Jonboy_t]

For lent, I've given up wking and cigarettes. It's really hard though, I was a twenty a day kinda man. And I enjoyed the odd ciggie too.

[Nigel_O]

Vipers said:

Geordie at the Queens garden party when the queen comes up to Geordie with a tray and says "Would you like a cake or meringue?"

Geordie says "Your reet, I'll have a cake".

Had to Google it, and for the first time in living memory, Vipers has taken bits out instead of adding bits on......

[littleredrooster]

Cheryl Cole goes into a hairdressers on Gateshead High Street.

"Hello - can ya dae us a perm, pleez?"

"Course aah can, pet.....I wandered lonely as a clooud..."

[havoc]

littleredrooster said:

Cheryl Cole goes into a hairdressers on Gateshead High Street.

"Hello - can ya dae us a perm, pleez?"

"Course aah can, pet.....I wandered lonely as a clooud..."

That's funnier than the first one...

[Hugo a Gogo]

littleredrooster said:

Cheryl Cole goes into a hairdressers on Gateshead High Street.

"Hello - can ya dae us a perm, pleez?"

"Course aah can, pet.....I wandered lonely as a clooud..."

lurnley

[Evangelion]

I've just discovered that my girlfriend shares my sense of humour.


She has to, she hasn't got one of her own.

[McAndy]

Evangelion said:

I've just discovered that my ex-girlfriend shares my sense of humour.


She has to, she hasn't got one of her own.

FTFY.