Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)

[davhill]

Laurel Green said:

I say, that's a very barbed comment!

Wire, whatever do you mean?

[Laurel Green]

[Monkeylegend]

A motorist drove off a country road after a high speed police chase and was killed when he was impaled through the chest by a fence post.

The police officer chasing him was given the job of breaking the news to his family.

"Do you know why he failed to stop and was running from the police?" he asked his wife.

"No idea officer" said the distraught wife, "he just said he was going out for a steak"

[Vipers]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. She says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth closed that does the trick."

[Vipers]

Watching a magic show on telly last night with my girl friend, I said to her :-

"Do you believe the hand is quicker than the eye"

She said "Yes"

I said "Well give me a wk while Ime not looking".

[Frimley111R]

[mickk]

[MartG]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"

[MartG]

[Laurel Green]

^^^ ^^^

[ChemicalChaos]

The Radio Times today

[MartG]

Good video Noah's Ark - practical problems

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZHJF0Ln5gk

Edited by MartG on Wednesday 3rd February 12:12

[Alex]

ChemicalChaos said:

The Radio Times today

Sky On Demand yesterday:

IMG_20160202_205308 by Loconinja, on Flickr

[Billsnemesis]

ChemicalChaos said:

The Radio Times today

If you have seen the film you will know why

[McAndy]

[sparkythecat]

Taking Viagra won't make you James Bond........but it may make you Roger Moore.

[ColinM50]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.

[silverfoxcc]

I hope the mods dont go all puritanical on this but they do look like a family of asreholes

[JustinF]

silverfoxcc said:

I hope the mods dont go all puritanical on this but they do look like a family of asreholes

Here's Mum, Dad and the little sts.

[kowalski655]

MartG said:

Good video Noah's Ark - practical problems

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZHJF0Ln5gk

Edited by MartG on Wednesday 3rd February 12:12

Brilliant