Do you think trust can ever be earned back?
Discussion
I would say it is worth a try, because if it fails at least you can say you gave it one last shot and can end things in good conscience. It would need her to make a massive effort and not just think things are normal again, which is what typically seems to happen. Personally, I tried and couldn't after a year so I then moved on - all worked out rather well in the end too after all the pain - some lovely women out there amongst the iffy ones.
I think for me it depends on the circumstances. My ex loved attention, I remember thinking early on that it was engrained into her, she craved attention so I ended it before heart ache happened. Post-event she turned into a right one.
If my partner strayed it'd depend on the circumstances. If she was uncharacteristically drunk/incapacitated and woke up next to a bloke and was horrified I could forgive the act as the intent wasn't there.
If the act tied into behaviour/how someone was- trust couldn't happen as theres a catalyst already there in someones routine/personal makeup- if that makes sense?
Edit- OP good luck, no one can judge you or say what they'd do in your situation without your own experience.
If my partner strayed it'd depend on the circumstances. If she was uncharacteristically drunk/incapacitated and woke up next to a bloke and was horrified I could forgive the act as the intent wasn't there.
If the act tied into behaviour/how someone was- trust couldn't happen as theres a catalyst already there in someones routine/personal makeup- if that makes sense?
Edit- OP good luck, no one can judge you or say what they'd do in your situation without your own experience.
Edited by Moominator on Monday 8th February 15:45
Probably not IMO. Does that mean breakup though? Depends on the collateral damage involved, are there kids?
It could be an opportunity, as in "I'm not sure I can trust you, but if you did ***insert something filthy you've always wanted to try*** it might make me foget the pain a little."
It could be an opportunity, as in "I'm not sure I can trust you, but if you did ***insert something filthy you've always wanted to try*** it might make me foget the pain a little."
There are psychological ways to deal with the emotional side of trust - fear/anxiety etc. The other, prob more important side, is whether someone who has lost your trust once is more likely to do it again. I would guess that they are, but I don't know your situation.
If you see what I mean.
If you see what I mean.
so called said:
A German mate of mine went to Poland to manage the installation of a machine in a VW plant.
Came back with a Polish bird and left his wife of 14 years.
VW asked him to the same job in Munich and the Polish bird wouldn't let him go as she didn't trust him.
Irony.
Eastern Europeans are the new Thai BridesCame back with a Polish bird and left his wife of 14 years.
VW asked him to the same job in Munich and the Polish bird wouldn't let him go as she didn't trust him.
Irony.
A mates brother has a Polish Girlfriend 12 years younger than him, she's bleeding him dry and he's blind to it
To the OP , give it up, move on, 12 months from now she'll be a distant memory
Not for me... My ex partner kissed someone when drunk. We were engaged and travelling together. We had been through a lot together - including her having a miscarriage. I stayed with her for a few weeks, but found myself less and less interested. In the end I didn't even want to speak to her. So I moved on. Best decision I ever made. Have some self respect and move on.
dave_s13 said:
You can certainly have some rather large hiccups in an otherwise solid relationship and pull it all back together. You can even be better for it.
Depends on the specific circumstances though obviously and it takes some time.
I'd agree with this, binning a relationship off for a small discretion would probably say more about you (and maybe insecurity?) than her / him.Depends on the specific circumstances though obviously and it takes some time.
t projection on your part.
Firstly, thank you for all of your replies. Especially to those who have been through a similar thing, I guess we both know it's not easy!
Some of the responses along the lines of 'get some self respect & get rid' are fine if the relationship isn't particularly serious, but for a couple who live together, and planned on marriage and children etc I think it's a worth a little more consideration.
I'll give you some background information:
A couple of times in the past she has received attention from someone and not done enough to discourage it which has annoyed me, infact actuall encouraged it - but I nipped that in the bud and fully explained what I expect in a relationship and we carried on and forgot about it. There were also a few other unnacceptable things that happened but I won't go into details, I think I was a bit of a mug at the start but just really wanted it to work.
A couple of months ago she left her phone at home and went off to work, and she wasn't clever enough to hide the messages - lots were discussed between her and a married man from work (married with a kid - that's one of the things that's most disgusted me!!) they discussed sex, and I found out they'd kissed, but from the messages and what she's told me (yes I know...) that was it, and she had clearly stopped replying and realised what she was doing. Attempted to put a stop to it but if I hadn't found out who knows if it could of escalated.
She was devastated and in bits for about a week (facing losing a partner who'd do anything for her, her house and potentially job as her family are miles away, couldn't stsy here on her own etc) as was I, and I decided it was worth trying as we had made so many plans for our future together and had 4 years invested in the relationship - love has clearly not gone but been tainted a little.
This is where I get judged harshly and probably fairly - I find it easier to forgive(or feel like I should) as I did something I shouldn't have about a year ago. It's no excuse, but I was under a lot of pressure at work (only in my early 20's in a high pressure job, woe is me and all that but sometimes it gets a little much), i was trying to help my mentally ill mother cope through a very bad time, under great financial strain, splitting time between working long hours, caring for my mum and making sure I was still the attentive bf to my demanding and rather selfish gf.... and she was making it incredibly difficult and being very unreasonable/selfish and as a result I struggled to help my mum (who's on her own, I'm her only family), gf not understanding at all and I was forced to be super son and boyfriend and employee and I was making myself unwell... Or rather my other half was, instead of supporting me and my family like most normal people would.
No excuse for anything but she was making my life hell and perhaps I should of called it a day back then, but things did improve and she became *almost* the perfect girlfriend after that. We have always been best friends as well as a couple, most of the time. At least I was decent enough not to let her find out, but it still eats away at me, how can I be angry at her for doing something when I did too?. But anyway, I know I'd n ever do anything like that again, biggest regret of my life... the trouble is, I don't know my other half wouldn't, as she seems to lap up any attention instead of ignoring it like she should or would if she was happy enough with me.
You'll think now that the relationship is basically knackered and I should give up, but honestly i don't think either of us can imagine life without one another. Ive been trying to get back to normal but it's taking more work then I'd have ever thought, and all I want is to be able to trust her again and carry on with everything we planned for the future.
I think overall ive put up with more than I ever should have with her, but I know what it's like to make a mistake. At the moment I find it hard to trust she wouldn't do it again one day, I guess this is what needs to be earned back.
It wasn't a drunken mistake, no real reason for it or explanation/excuse other than enjoyed the attention, that's what bothers me. I also think by forgiving it I do risk her thinking she can get away wth things again. In my mind, a relationship should be innocent and you should get married knowing things are just the way they are meant to be, devoted to each other, I can't help but think this sours the whole thing - but can't seem to ever let go.
Thanks for reading all this if you bothered... Make of it what you will, it's not all bad and day-to-day life is usually pleasant and we really enjoy each others company, but with these underlying issues im sceptical about our future :-(
Some of the responses along the lines of 'get some self respect & get rid' are fine if the relationship isn't particularly serious, but for a couple who live together, and planned on marriage and children etc I think it's a worth a little more consideration.
I'll give you some background information:
A couple of times in the past she has received attention from someone and not done enough to discourage it which has annoyed me, infact actuall encouraged it - but I nipped that in the bud and fully explained what I expect in a relationship and we carried on and forgot about it. There were also a few other unnacceptable things that happened but I won't go into details, I think I was a bit of a mug at the start but just really wanted it to work.
A couple of months ago she left her phone at home and went off to work, and she wasn't clever enough to hide the messages - lots were discussed between her and a married man from work (married with a kid - that's one of the things that's most disgusted me!!) they discussed sex, and I found out they'd kissed, but from the messages and what she's told me (yes I know...) that was it, and she had clearly stopped replying and realised what she was doing. Attempted to put a stop to it but if I hadn't found out who knows if it could of escalated.
She was devastated and in bits for about a week (facing losing a partner who'd do anything for her, her house and potentially job as her family are miles away, couldn't stsy here on her own etc) as was I, and I decided it was worth trying as we had made so many plans for our future together and had 4 years invested in the relationship - love has clearly not gone but been tainted a little.
This is where I get judged harshly and probably fairly - I find it easier to forgive(or feel like I should) as I did something I shouldn't have about a year ago. It's no excuse, but I was under a lot of pressure at work (only in my early 20's in a high pressure job, woe is me and all that but sometimes it gets a little much), i was trying to help my mentally ill mother cope through a very bad time, under great financial strain, splitting time between working long hours, caring for my mum and making sure I was still the attentive bf to my demanding and rather selfish gf.... and she was making it incredibly difficult and being very unreasonable/selfish and as a result I struggled to help my mum (who's on her own, I'm her only family), gf not understanding at all and I was forced to be super son and boyfriend and employee and I was making myself unwell... Or rather my other half was, instead of supporting me and my family like most normal people would.
No excuse for anything but she was making my life hell and perhaps I should of called it a day back then, but things did improve and she became *almost* the perfect girlfriend after that. We have always been best friends as well as a couple, most of the time. At least I was decent enough not to let her find out, but it still eats away at me, how can I be angry at her for doing something when I did too?. But anyway, I know I'd n ever do anything like that again, biggest regret of my life... the trouble is, I don't know my other half wouldn't, as she seems to lap up any attention instead of ignoring it like she should or would if she was happy enough with me.
You'll think now that the relationship is basically knackered and I should give up, but honestly i don't think either of us can imagine life without one another. Ive been trying to get back to normal but it's taking more work then I'd have ever thought, and all I want is to be able to trust her again and carry on with everything we planned for the future.
I think overall ive put up with more than I ever should have with her, but I know what it's like to make a mistake. At the moment I find it hard to trust she wouldn't do it again one day, I guess this is what needs to be earned back.
It wasn't a drunken mistake, no real reason for it or explanation/excuse other than enjoyed the attention, that's what bothers me. I also think by forgiving it I do risk her thinking she can get away wth things again. In my mind, a relationship should be innocent and you should get married knowing things are just the way they are meant to be, devoted to each other, I can't help but think this sours the whole thing - but can't seem to ever let go.
Thanks for reading all this if you bothered... Make of it what you will, it's not all bad and day-to-day life is usually pleasant and we really enjoy each others company, but with these underlying issues im sceptical about our future :-(
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