How to break up with someone
Discussion
What is she saying in her long texts? Does she come across more, expressing feelings, having more of a personality?
It might be that this is the way she feels able to communicate with you. I dunno, shyness, maybe some mild autism type of thing.
I sort of speak from experience. There was a woman I worked with for years. One of those mainstays of the company, capable, diligent and creative. She was - face to face - painfully quiet, mouse like, and non-conversational yet would turn out some exceptional work. She'd say nothing in meetings, yet afterwards in follow-up emails she would be observant, cutting, sarcastic and often hilariously funny.
Face to face didn't work for her. Despite being in sight of her, I would email a thought or idea, here the "Bing" of the email drop and minutes later there would be a solution usually accompanied by a very funny abusive email.
We all loved her. When she left our site, her leaving do was the usual drinking fest with her just sitting in the corner quietly watching what was going on.
It turns out she has a form of autism.
I'm not saying you should stay with your GF, but you've already identified a proven way to connect with her via text. Perhaps use text, not to dump her, but to talk through your concerns, and to get her to open up what she feels a little.
Maybe she is autistic, or has another sort of character trait. Maybe she is just painfully shy or lacking in confidence. Maybe she doesn't have opinions because she has low self esteem or perhaps she doesn't want to upset you by having views contrary to yours.
You say she's not a nightmare, not a horrible person. Try to find out what's going on with her before you make a move you can't come back from. It might soften the blow when and if you decide to take her to that park bench (Good advice that) and finish it.
Good luck with it all mate.
It might be that this is the way she feels able to communicate with you. I dunno, shyness, maybe some mild autism type of thing.
I sort of speak from experience. There was a woman I worked with for years. One of those mainstays of the company, capable, diligent and creative. She was - face to face - painfully quiet, mouse like, and non-conversational yet would turn out some exceptional work. She'd say nothing in meetings, yet afterwards in follow-up emails she would be observant, cutting, sarcastic and often hilariously funny.
Face to face didn't work for her. Despite being in sight of her, I would email a thought or idea, here the "Bing" of the email drop and minutes later there would be a solution usually accompanied by a very funny abusive email.
We all loved her. When she left our site, her leaving do was the usual drinking fest with her just sitting in the corner quietly watching what was going on.
It turns out she has a form of autism.
I'm not saying you should stay with your GF, but you've already identified a proven way to connect with her via text. Perhaps use text, not to dump her, but to talk through your concerns, and to get her to open up what she feels a little.
Maybe she is autistic, or has another sort of character trait. Maybe she is just painfully shy or lacking in confidence. Maybe she doesn't have opinions because she has low self esteem or perhaps she doesn't want to upset you by having views contrary to yours.
You say she's not a nightmare, not a horrible person. Try to find out what's going on with her before you make a move you can't come back from. It might soften the blow when and if you decide to take her to that park bench (Good advice that) and finish it.
Good luck with it all mate.
xjay1337 said:
popeyewhite said:
She sounds a nightmare. Unless the sex is (truly) exceptional get rid immediately. Life's too short.
Not having any.SHutchinson said:
Whut?? You live 120 miles apart and you never speak on the phone? You only communicate by text?
Err, I'm sure your pen-pal without benefits won't take it too hard!!
Fixed that for you Err, I'm sure your pen-pal without benefits won't take it too hard!!
OP - can you not rent/borrow a car for a day to go and see her?
Vaud said:
xjay1337 said:
Not having any. I completely feel the spark gone and have absolutely no urge to even try.
I am defo going to have to end it, I can't see a way around it. But I am not going to break up with her this weekend because it's just horrible to have the birthday ruined. Especially as there's planned meals and stuff.
Like I said she isn't a nightmare or anything, just very dull and uninteresting, and quiet. Which I guess yes can be a bit of a nightmare
I can't remember a single joke or bit of banter or whatever that she's had, we are in our mid 20s. There should be some sort of joy lol. We had been texting daily for nearly 4 years before we met and then decided to try a relationship. That probably was something to with it.
Take this the right way but it sounds more like she/you didn't want to be alone rather than there was ever a real spark.I am defo going to have to end it, I can't see a way around it. But I am not going to break up with her this weekend because it's just horrible to have the birthday ruined. Especially as there's planned meals and stuff.
Like I said she isn't a nightmare or anything, just very dull and uninteresting, and quiet. Which I guess yes can be a bit of a nightmare
I can't remember a single joke or bit of banter or whatever that she's had, we are in our mid 20s. There should be some sort of joy lol. We had been texting daily for nearly 4 years before we met and then decided to try a relationship. That probably was something to with it.And, no sex in your mid-20's? WTAF? It's DEFINITELY over in that case!
xjay1337 said:
Bit of a bad situation but unfortunately I feel my current relationship has run it's course.
No big fights or issues, she is a lovely person, but bluntly, she is too naive for me (it's like being in a relationship with a delicate teenager) and boring. Has no hobbies so has nothing interesting to say, and after 8 months we spend our evenings not talking or with awkward conversation where every attempt to instigate something is met with one word answers.
Annoyingly she is happy to send me essays of text messages but face to face she is too quiet. My friends and family have commented on it, so it's not just me thinking it.
She is the only person I struggle to talk to - I have tried to talk to her about it but it's just her personality is it seems, and who she is. Naturally very quiet and withdrawn.
She lives away from me (by some 120 miles) and we see each other usually alternate weekends.
It's her Birthday this weekend so I will be staying with her and her parents (she lives at home). Obviously I will not break up with her then as this would be asshole-ish.
However after this I would not be seeing her at the earliest until the weekend of the 11th June - too long to have this burden on my shoulders. But due to my car having some work done on it from Monday the 30th I will not be able to drive and I'm certainly not going to use public transport as it's an awful route (you have to go across Central London) and it would be a 6 hour return journey.
To this end due to the above I have very strongly considered explaining my position via Text Message during next week (so after her Birthday) some point - as she seems to be most conversive over this medium, combined with the fact that I can't break up with her over this Birthday weekend, because it's just not nice.
Does anyone have any other suggestions or ideas? Or would this be "OK". I know text is not the nicest thing but from a logistical point of view there is no other way I can see to get the deed done so to speak.
Couple of initial questionsNo big fights or issues, she is a lovely person, but bluntly, she is too naive for me (it's like being in a relationship with a delicate teenager) and boring. Has no hobbies so has nothing interesting to say, and after 8 months we spend our evenings not talking or with awkward conversation where every attempt to instigate something is met with one word answers.
Annoyingly she is happy to send me essays of text messages but face to face she is too quiet. My friends and family have commented on it, so it's not just me thinking it.
She is the only person I struggle to talk to - I have tried to talk to her about it but it's just her personality is it seems, and who she is. Naturally very quiet and withdrawn.
She lives away from me (by some 120 miles) and we see each other usually alternate weekends.
It's her Birthday this weekend so I will be staying with her and her parents (she lives at home). Obviously I will not break up with her then as this would be asshole-ish.
However after this I would not be seeing her at the earliest until the weekend of the 11th June - too long to have this burden on my shoulders. But due to my car having some work done on it from Monday the 30th I will not be able to drive and I'm certainly not going to use public transport as it's an awful route (you have to go across Central London) and it would be a 6 hour return journey.
To this end due to the above I have very strongly considered explaining my position via Text Message during next week (so after her Birthday) some point - as she seems to be most conversive over this medium, combined with the fact that I can't break up with her over this Birthday weekend, because it's just not nice.
Does anyone have any other suggestions or ideas? Or would this be "OK". I know text is not the nicest thing but from a logistical point of view there is no other way I can see to get the deed done so to speak.
How old is she? How old are you?
What did you see in her?
How long have you been together?
Is she the same when you see her away from her home? Is she as quiet when she is out with her friends?
Could you not arrange to meet her in the middle next weekend?
Thanks Wildcat - Some good thoughts there.
via texts she definitely has a better personality. She is more outgoing, a bit more jokey etc. If she was as outgoing and chatty and witty as her texts suggest then I wouldn't even be in this situation. :-(
I would say she suffers from low self confidence, but I have tried to build this up for her. I do suffer from depression and anxiety but I have really worked hard through medication and general life and friendship changes to deal with this, and as such I find my day to day life very positive. Without being selfish it is hard enough for me to manage my own issues without having to almost baby-sit her in face to face social situations. I am not a doctor but there are some signs of autism in her but we can apply those to many people haha.
The idea of bringing up concerns rather than outright dumping her is a good idea. For all I know she may be feeling that I am not what she was expecting and we come to a more mutual agreement.
I haven't really thought much about what I was going to have said, but it would be something along the lines of "maybe we both came into this relationship with expectations of each other which were not true" and "our lack of any common interests makes it hard to come up with conversation".
In answer to some other posts -
She avoids any sort of conflict or confrontation at all so she may feel the same about me, in that I am maybe too outgoing or jokey , but she wouldn't say it. Overall I would say she is happy aside from perhaps us not sleeping together (through my choice rather than hers)
via texts she definitely has a better personality. She is more outgoing, a bit more jokey etc. If she was as outgoing and chatty and witty as her texts suggest then I wouldn't even be in this situation. :-(
I would say she suffers from low self confidence, but I have tried to build this up for her. I do suffer from depression and anxiety but I have really worked hard through medication and general life and friendship changes to deal with this, and as such I find my day to day life very positive. Without being selfish it is hard enough for me to manage my own issues without having to almost baby-sit her in face to face social situations. I am not a doctor but there are some signs of autism in her but we can apply those to many people haha.
The idea of bringing up concerns rather than outright dumping her is a good idea. For all I know she may be feeling that I am not what she was expecting and we come to a more mutual agreement.
I haven't really thought much about what I was going to have said, but it would be something along the lines of "maybe we both came into this relationship with expectations of each other which were not true" and "our lack of any common interests makes it hard to come up with conversation".
In answer to some other posts -
SHutchinson said:
Whut?? You live 120 miles apart and you never speak on the phone? You only communicate by text?
Err, I'm sure your pen-pal with benefits won't take it too hard!!
Like I said she doesn't really do very well with verbal communication!Err, I'm sure your pen-pal with benefits won't take it too hard!!
Vaud said:
Take this the right way but it sounds more like she/you didn't want to be alone rather than there was ever a real spark.
Maybe. There was definitely a spark to begin with, the first month or two were great. Then once I started to see some parts of her personality, quiet, naive, annoying little things like leaving her contact lenses on the side table and stuff I began to get annoyed. I have brought up those little things with her and she had tried to be fair.andburg said:
Long distance is a struggle
4 years of talk to me says you've had the honeymoon period before you started the relationship.
Ask yourself this, right now how do you think she is feeling?
I always used to get the same feeling as you guilt. Forcing someone to talk about it isn't pleasent. They didn't like it at the time but i always said i was blunt and wouldn't continue to waste our time. All my proper ex's are now married and have kids so it worked out for them in end.
I genuinely don't know. But I would agree we never really had that honeymoon period as we knew so much about each other.4 years of talk to me says you've had the honeymoon period before you started the relationship.
Ask yourself this, right now how do you think she is feeling?
I always used to get the same feeling as you guilt. Forcing someone to talk about it isn't pleasent. They didn't like it at the time but i always said i was blunt and wouldn't continue to waste our time. All my proper ex's are now married and have kids so it worked out for them in end.
She avoids any sort of conflict or confrontation at all so she may feel the same about me, in that I am maybe too outgoing or jokey , but she wouldn't say it. Overall I would say she is happy aside from perhaps us not sleeping together (through my choice rather than hers)
ali_kat said:
Couple of initial questions
How old is she? How old are you?
What did you see in her?
How long have you been together?
Is she the same when you see her away from her home? Is she as quiet when she is out with her friends?
Could you not arrange to meet her in the middle next weekend?
She's 25 (going on 26). I'm 25.How old is she? How old are you?
What did you see in her?
How long have you been together?
Is she the same when you see her away from her home? Is she as quiet when she is out with her friends?
Could you not arrange to meet her in the middle next weekend?
I saw a caring and interesting personality during the time we were texting. She is caring very much so but so little confidence in herself and is naive.
We have been together maybe..8 or 9 months? Been texting for years as I mentioned.
When she is at home (I've only visited once before a few weekends after Christmas) she is still fairly quiet but notably more outgoing and chatty. I've not seen her with her friends. She was very outgoing when we first started going out but this soon faded.
The weekend in between is a no-go for me as I'm pretty stacked :-(
xjay1337 said:
However after this I would not be seeing her at the earliest until the weekend of the 11th June - too long to have this burden on my shoulders. But due to my car having some work done on it from Monday the 30th I will not be able to drive and I'm certainly not going to use public transport as it's an awful route (you have to go across Central London) and it would be a 6 hour return journey.
Are you really in as much of a rush that waiting a few weeks is too much before you talk to her? Sounds like you should end it, and maybe she thinks the same (just wants a friend it seems), but I agree it's best not to dump on the birthday. However a few extra weeks shouldn't be a problem for waiting, particularly since it seems to have been this way for a while.NRS said:
Are you really in as much of a rush that waiting a few weeks is too much before you talk to her? Sounds like you should end it, and maybe she thinks the same (just wants a friend it seems), but I agree it's best not to dump on the birthday. However a few extra weeks shouldn't be a problem for waiting, particularly since it seems to have been this way for a while.
No, that's true. But every day I think about it as in "i just need to find the right time".It seems unfair for her to travel to me after work only to be told that she's dumped and have a 3 hour journey back home. Would I do it when I pick her up from the train stations, or on the Sunday before she goes home? It just seems asshole-ish.
Thanks for your patience, I'm at work and whilst I was replying you'd already answered some of those.
Forget that it is her birthday. It's only her 26th, not a biggy; you're going to be an asshole no matter when you do it. And after you've done it you won't see her/her friends/family etc so why does it matter?
Whenever you do it, its a long round trip to do it face to face and be gentlemanly.
If you can't face that drive... I'd ring her, tonight. You'll still be an asshole over the weekend, but like I said - you're going to be that anyway!!
Forget that it is her birthday. It's only her 26th, not a biggy; you're going to be an asshole no matter when you do it. And after you've done it you won't see her/her friends/family etc so why does it matter?
Whenever you do it, its a long round trip to do it face to face and be gentlemanly.
If you can't face that drive... I'd ring her, tonight. You'll still be an asshole over the weekend, but like I said - you're going to be that anyway!!
Skype/facetime instead of a phone call? Texting for me would be a big no no.
I'm honestly not sure what else to suggest other than going there yourself, or meet in some kind of middle ground rather than going to her? But if you're really that desperate to get rid and don't have the time, then yeah phone/skype.
But to me it sounds like she's just settled down, gotten over the initial honeymoon phase and stopped putting in the effort.
Relationships are a two way street though, so if you're upholidng your end and trying to make it interesting and exciting and putting the work in, then yeah it's time to cut her out.
I'm honestly not sure what else to suggest other than going there yourself, or meet in some kind of middle ground rather than going to her? But if you're really that desperate to get rid and don't have the time, then yeah phone/skype.
But to me it sounds like she's just settled down, gotten over the initial honeymoon phase and stopped putting in the effort.
Relationships are a two way street though, so if you're upholidng your end and trying to make it interesting and exciting and putting the work in, then yeah it's time to cut her out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhkme5pHiSU
Seriously. Some relationships just fizzle out. I think once you cannot spend an evening chatting and having a laugh and with you being apart from each other most of the time you MUST have something to talk about I would have thought.
Seriously. Some relationships just fizzle out. I think once you cannot spend an evening chatting and having a laugh and with you being apart from each other most of the time you MUST have something to talk about I would have thought.
So she's not getting any (your choice I think I read), and she gets moaned at about where to put her contact lenses when they're not in her eyes?
I'd whinge at her about anything you can think of, then let her catch you having a w
k so she knows it is just her you don't want to shag rather than a low sex drive. She'll dump you and feel she's doing what's right for her, job jobbed and guilt free!
All of the above can be done over the birthday weekend so no need for a long trip on the bus. HTH
I'd whinge at her about anything you can think of, then let her catch you having a w
k so she knows it is just her you don't want to shag rather than a low sex drive. She'll dump you and feel she's doing what's right for her, job jobbed and guilt free! All of the above can be done over the birthday weekend so no need for a long trip on the bus. HTH
I would take a visit whenever you both are free next, whether it's midweek or not, sit her down and talk to her.
Don't do it in public, this may make it worse for her, if she has anxiety issues already.
Do it at her house. Just say " insert name here, I feel that we're no longer working due to reasons x,y, and z. I feel it would be better, rather than stringing you along, if I were to leave. I don't/didn't want to upset you, but this would be the best thing for both of us.
Then walk away,get in your car, drive to the nearest mcdonalds or whatever, have a coffee, clear your head, and get ready to drive home.
It may be worth, if she starts texting you, to turn your phone off for the journey.
Don't do it in public, this may make it worse for her, if she has anxiety issues already.
Do it at her house. Just say " insert name here, I feel that we're no longer working due to reasons x,y, and z. I feel it would be better, rather than stringing you along, if I were to leave. I don't/didn't want to upset you, but this would be the best thing for both of us.
Then walk away,get in your car, drive to the nearest mcdonalds or whatever, have a coffee, clear your head, and get ready to drive home.
It may be worth, if she starts texting you, to turn your phone off for the journey.
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