Divorcing empty nesters...

Divorcing empty nesters...

Author
Discussion

westberks

926 posts

134 months

Thursday 27th October 2016
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BigLion said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
It's amazing how two people who were so deeply in love with each, can then go to the opposite extreme and do some really horrible things to try to hurt the other person. I can appreciate if a 3rd party is involved and hence there is a sense of betrayal, but outside of that it really baffles me.
My situation is odd because to some extent we are completely opposite to this. I still care deeply for my soon to be ex and I feel that is mutual. But she refuses to stop or accept responsibility for her actions that led to me saying "enough is enough".

Massive drink related issues that lead to big bust ups which she will then use my own failings as a comparison, when there is no like for like. What I see as minor day to day things (nobody is perfect and I know I'm not) being treated as equal to off the scale st that she's done.

Had she at any stage sought appropriate help or taken ownership we could have possibly worked it out, but after 20 years of apologies, tears, but ultimately sweet fa change something needs to change. I don't even expect from life some idyllic happiness, I just want some stability and to be less unhappy!

TwigtheWonderkid

43,248 posts

149 months

Friday 28th October 2016
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HTP99 said:
For a bit of balance, my dad was an arse when my mum left him after 27 years of marriage.

She left as she just had just fallen out of love with him and they were both very different people, she also had to live with his past indiscretions, which I think really screwed her up inside, she left him when my younger sister went off to Uni.

Dad took it extremely badly but wouldn't accept that he was largely to blame so he felt very, very wronged.

Mum just wanted enough out of the house, so that she could set up again, she had her own pension, she didn't want any of his or his possessions, she just wanted a clean break and enough to buy somewhere modest and out of the area due to price.

It got very nasty on my dads side, he threatened to stop working, he was very friendly with his GP who; it transpires, was willing to sign him off work permanently due to ill health and if this happened, dad was pushing for a monthly "allowance" from my mum so that he could live.

In the end due to all the stress, mum caved and took a much smaller figure from the house; dad re-mortgaged to pay her off, he carried on working and taking his pension, my mum had to take a small mortgage to make up the difference.
SWT (snake with testicles)

HTP99

22,445 posts

139 months

Sunday 6th November 2016
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Recently found out from my colleague that his wife had told their 13 year old daughter that she no longer loved him, his daughter had spent a week worrying about it, not sleeping, feeling ill etc until he finally got it out of her why she wasn't in a great place; what right minded mother burdens her 13 yo daughter; who is going through loads of hormonal changes herself, so already is a bit delicate, that kind of thing.

Tbh things had been rocky for ages; you could tell just by how much she treated him awfully and how he is treated just like the home help, problem is there is also 12 year old and 19 year old son and aswell as the 13 yo daughter, they see what the mum is doing and they are starting to resent her for it and losing respect for her.

mr_spock

3,340 posts

214 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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That is just awesome! Get him a PO box.

AyBee

10,522 posts

201 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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anonymous said:
[redacted]
laugh but cry! I may have missed it tonker, but was it you that finally called it a day and has she accepted that?

Justayellowbadge

37,057 posts

241 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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anonymous said:
[redacted]
Genuine sympathies.

For my ex and I, 8 years on, things are a lot better. Incomparably so.

However, at the time...

Mediation went like this:

Mediator: so, you agree to enter into this process co-operatively, with a spirit of mutual respect?
Me: Yes
Her: Yes
Mediator: Marvellous. So, where would you like to start?
Her: He's evil.
Mediator: I'm not sure that is all that constructive, and whilst recognizing the difficulties you are both facing, are you able to express things in, perhaps, a less confrontational way?
Her: No, he's pure evil.
Mediator: I don't think mediation is for you.

We didn"t get to go back.

singlecoil

33,317 posts

245 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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Perhaps she is just establishing a negotiating position. Have you found out what she wants from you, what she would like to have happen?

RC1807

12,483 posts

167 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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Tonker: fackin' 'ell
She's mental!

Justayellowbadge said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Genuine sympathies.

For my ex and I, 8 years on, things are a lot better. Incomparably so.

However, at the time...

Mediation went like this:

Mediator: so, you agree to enter into this process co-operatively, with a spirit of mutual respect?
Me: Yes
Her: Yes
Mediator: Marvellous. So, where would you like to start?
Her: He's evil.
Mediator: I'm not sure that is all that constructive, and whilst recognizing the difficulties you are both facing, are you able to express things in, perhaps, a less confrontational way?
Her: No, he's pure evil.
Mediator: I don't think mediation is for you.

We didn"t get to go back.
Was she wrong, though?

mikefacel

610 posts

187 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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anonymous said:
[redacted]
If you haven't done so already tonker,I'd recommend reading up on borderline personality disorder. That's the sort of weird st I used to get from my ex. BTW, sounds like you're doing a great job. In similar circumstances to you, I ended up staying in the family home and having the kids the majority of the time, and then all the time, as she really just couldn't be at all selfless, which is what parenting sometimes requires, and just wanted to do her own thing.

Edited by mikefacel on Wednesday 23 November 13:49

Ari

19,328 posts

214 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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anonymous said:
[redacted]
May I ask, why did you marry her? Surely at some point through that decade there must have been signs of The Mental?

jshell

11,006 posts

204 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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Ari said:
May I ask, why did you marry her? Surely at some point through that decade there must have been signs of The Mental?
It's all about the mental/slutty ratio and hoping the balance doesn't tilt the wrong way as time goes by...it inevitably does!

singlecoil

33,317 posts

245 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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anonymous said:
[redacted]
Well, even children usually want something. What is it that she wants, is it something you could provide?

paul789

3,676 posts

103 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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anonymous said:
[redacted]
Tonker, I think I'm in the same boat as you but you are about 2 years ahead of me. Based on limited insight - i.e., this thread, I think I can completely relate to you.

mjb1

2,552 posts

158 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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anonymous said:
[redacted]
Sounds familiar (just with a lot less money involved in my case). I thought she'd grow out of her behavioural issues, especially with me providing stability and later when we started a family. But no, it was like being in a relationship with a stroppy teenager, I really think she stopped developing mentally when she reached 15.

If I was in your position, I'd cut right back on work (go part time if possible), and spend the time on parenting your child, even more than you are already. Fight to be the main/resident parent, because it sounds like your missus is far more interested in her career. Keep detailed records, and hopefully it'll be provable.

jshell

11,006 posts

204 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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anonymous said:
[redacted]
Sorry, Tonker, was trying to be flippant. Wasn't commenting on your horrible situation.

johnwilliams77

8,308 posts

102 months

Wednesday 23rd November 2016
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ClaphamGT3

11,269 posts

242 months

Thursday 24th November 2016
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anonymous said:
[redacted]
God, I remember it.

The 1st Mrs Clapham genuinely believing that, despite having no children, bestowing upon me the dubious pleasure of her company for nine years (four and a half as husband and wife) genuinely entitled her to all my capital and half my income for the rest of my life. Challenging this, apparently, simply proved her point that I was a selfish, abusive pig, intent on denying her her just 'entitlement' as well as any chance of happiness and 're-building her life' after our marriage.

She was genuinely uncomprehending when I didn't acquiesce to this and, fifteen years after we separated and ten after we finally concluded an (over generous) financial settlement, she still genuinely believes that my solicitor and I stitched her up. This is a woman with a seven figure inherited capital position and an earned income greater than mine at the time we separated.

The fact that her original ambulance-chasing, charlatan solicitor bailed as soon as she realised I wasn't going to roll over and her second solicitor resigned because of her unreasonableness was the fault of my solicitors bullying tactics apparently and nothing to do with her own arrant, delusional lunacy.

Focus on the light that is, inevitably, at the end of the tunnel and the joyous peace of life without her.

stupidbutkeen

1,009 posts

154 months

Thursday 24th November 2016
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Reading this thread has made me realize how lucky I am not being married. 19 years with same woman who granted is a fee earner in a rather good solisitor firm.
I know If it ends I leave with nothing but being married would mean I would owe more than everything I have into the future.

anonymous-user

53 months

Thursday 24th November 2016
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anonymous said:
[redacted]
Basically to keep the same lifestyle while replacing you with the new exciting boyfriend. Usually they want to keep the house, expect you to pay for everything and you can move in with your parents or a rented bedsit. Hell, they don't care if you live on the streets as long as you are still picking up the tab.

They will justify this as it is obviously your fault they are unhappy. The fact that you provided everything and they don't have a worry in the world is irrelevant, it is all down to looking for excitement, feelings and 'gina tingles.

singlecoil

33,317 posts

245 months

Thursday 24th November 2016
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Is there some reason why you are still even trying to negotiate with her? Are you hoping that she is going to change in some way? Is attention seeking a big part of what she is doing, and if so should you be providing that attention?