Divorcing empty nesters...
Discussion
mikefacel said:
desolate said:
I agree that moving out seems the only sensible option.
It's not going well for the child now.
Considering the mother's behaviour, it could get a lot worse for the kid if his dad isn't around.It's not going well for the child now.
It's a terrible situation to be in.
I'd be leaving and keeping a close eye on the situation. The child is upset now so it's not like you would be breaking up a fairy tale.
Plus dropping the kid off in the other bedroom and giving three minutes could be seen as a bit difficult to handle for both the kid and a woman who can't function outside of her 100k job.
austinsmirk said:
on a nice note, beat this for a wedding.
A very dear friend of mine turned 40. His wife blindfolded him and put him in the car, said she had a treat for him.
the car set off and he said, even though blindfolded, you could feel which way you were going, could gauge traffic lights etc.
He got very excited- he could tell they were heading to the Kawasaki centre- he thought Hooray, she's bought me a new bike for my birthday !!
the car however pulled up outside the registry office ( a few yards away! ) where family and friends were waiting outside.
so they got married
He was quite happy with this !
I will say with regard to expensive fancy weddings: being a Yorkshireman, I always think, well very nice, but if you live in a grotty flat/house: why not sort out somewhere nice to live as oppose to blowing 20/30K ?
Huddersfield? A very dear friend of mine turned 40. His wife blindfolded him and put him in the car, said she had a treat for him.
the car set off and he said, even though blindfolded, you could feel which way you were going, could gauge traffic lights etc.
He got very excited- he could tell they were heading to the Kawasaki centre- he thought Hooray, she's bought me a new bike for my birthday !!
the car however pulled up outside the registry office ( a few yards away! ) where family and friends were waiting outside.
so they got married
He was quite happy with this !
I will say with regard to expensive fancy weddings: being a Yorkshireman, I always think, well very nice, but if you live in a grotty flat/house: why not sort out somewhere nice to live as oppose to blowing 20/30K ?
mikefacel said:
There are plenty of mobile apps that do this discretely and it's much more natural to have a mobile phone around than a dedicated device.
Very true. In cases of suspected infidelity the amateur detective can put VARs under car seats or suchlike to capture the "private" conversations of the other half, but to carry around the house an equipped smartphone seems more logical. Ari said:
Young children do cry I'm afraid (he's only 5...).
Especially when the two people he loves most in the world can't stand the sight of one another. Some people I know are going through similar and their (6&10 y-o) are having all sorts of behavioural issues.Personally I suspect Tonker's lack of reaction is making her try harder to push his buttons. OTOH reacting will only encourage her though, so he's buggered either way.
YankeePorker said:
FYI Sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders are the models recommended by the "infidelity techies" on another forum. Not had to use these devices myself, but It is said that you should equip them with Lithium batteries for good staying power.
Edited to add, set it up for 44K bit rate, balancing file size vs quality. In menus turn off the auto beep feature for discretion.
I did think some time ago, why isn't he using the voice memo function on his phoneEdited to add, set it up for 44K bit rate, balancing file size vs quality. In menus turn off the auto beep feature for discretion.
Adam B said:
YankeePorker said:
FYI Sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders are the models recommended by the "infidelity techies" on another forum. Not had to use these devices myself, but It is said that you should equip them with Lithium batteries for good staying power.
Edited to add, set it up for 44K bit rate, balancing file size vs quality. In menus turn off the auto beep feature for discretion.
I did think some time ago, why isn't he using the voice memo function on his phoneEdited to add, set it up for 44K bit rate, balancing file size vs quality. In menus turn off the auto beep feature for discretion.
singlecoil said:
Because as pointed out earlier nobody important enough to matter is going to listen to the recordings.
This is about the crux of it unfortunately. I've got a friend going through a very ugly divorce. No other man/woman involved, she just did a runner while he was out at work. It's taken over 5 years to sort out so far, and she has played very nastily (he still doesn't officially know where she's living, and they swap the kids on a petrol station forecourt, a bit like a hostage exchange). She (knowingly) wrongfully claimed legal aid, and every other benefit you can think of (she had substantial savings when she left) and has been making false declarations about her finances ever since, partially to try and cover her tracks, partially to get a more from the settlement. She uses the kids phones to send him texts pretending to be the kids, perpetuating all kind of tricks and lies.He has played it totally honest and by the book, been meticulous with his record keeping (financial and otherwise). Even after he got made redundant, he has continued to pay her the agreed £1200/month maintenance with zero income himself, by using his redundancy payout and retirement savings. He hasn't been able to find work in his field (specialised IT management stuff) anywhere near where they live - he had a work from home arrangement with his long time employer, but for a new job he would likely have to relocate to London. He resisted that to stay near to the kids, and instead lives a minimalist lifestyle (borrowed him mum's car and buys out of date food etc). He's also mid 50's, so not easy to find proper employment at that age, and decided it would be better to rough it out till he can start collecting his pension (although I think his very healthy pension fund is going to get heavily raided, at massive cost to both of them in the long term).
Since they separated his father has died, and he inherited a decent amount of money, again he's been using that to keep paying the maintenance even though he was advised it would be ring fenced from the divorce. She is claiming that she needs £60k per year in maintenance to cover the kids' costs, but that is more than his take home income ever was when he had a job! She never worked the whole time they were together, yet he still paid for child care and domestic cleaners when the kids were young, so she could 'have a break from them'. After they split up, she enrolled on a degree course and became a full time student, running up massive debts and studying something that most wouldn't consider career enhancing!
He fully trusted in the system to sort it out and even things up fairly, and expected things to unravel when it got to court (she wouldn't entertain mediation) and he could present his evidence of her behaviour/unreasonableness. He expected the courts I don't know the full details of how it's panning out, other than 'very, very badly' for him.
Their kids are understandably quite unhappy, she is basically trying to relive her youth through them, pushing them into sports and activities against their will. One of them (teenage son) was in tears, and asking to move in with his dad. IMO Dad should have obliged his request and welcomed him with open arms. I think it would be likely that the others would have followed suit pretty quickly. But rather than cause chaos and be accused of turning the kids against their mum, he thought he was doing the right thing by smoothing out their relationship with the mum, and staying resident with her.
well, just had the confirmation that the soon to be ex Mrs Westberks has exchanged on her house purchase.
At some point this will bring a sense of relief but at this time i'm just upset and angry that someone who appears to be a warm, intelligent and caring human being cannot recognise and deal with an alcohol problem. I think to say I am devastated is no exaggeration despite me instigating the divorce when she refused to get help.
I've referred to her as 95% wife as that is the time she is kind and reasonable, whereas the other 5% is like a Jeckyl & Hyde where a lunatic is unleashed that is full of hate and bile.
20 years that now seem a complete waste of time as I cannot take any positives given that i've been on the receiving end and always thought that at some point she'd grow out of it, mature or having incorrectly assumed that previous relationships weren't great, would see the positives from a lovely partner (muggings here).
The next couple of weeks are going to be hell so I've booked a hotel for tonight and have work commitments later in the week. double portion of FML in the Westberks area today! Thankfully no children as they would be lunatics or depressives by now.
At some point this will bring a sense of relief but at this time i'm just upset and angry that someone who appears to be a warm, intelligent and caring human being cannot recognise and deal with an alcohol problem. I think to say I am devastated is no exaggeration despite me instigating the divorce when she refused to get help.
I've referred to her as 95% wife as that is the time she is kind and reasonable, whereas the other 5% is like a Jeckyl & Hyde where a lunatic is unleashed that is full of hate and bile.
20 years that now seem a complete waste of time as I cannot take any positives given that i've been on the receiving end and always thought that at some point she'd grow out of it, mature or having incorrectly assumed that previous relationships weren't great, would see the positives from a lovely partner (muggings here).
The next couple of weeks are going to be hell so I've booked a hotel for tonight and have work commitments later in the week. double portion of FML in the Westberks area today! Thankfully no children as they would be lunatics or depressives by now.
westberks said:
well, just had the confirmation that the soon to be ex Mrs Westberks has exchanged on her house purchase.
At some point this will bring a sense of relief but at this time i'm just upset and angry that someone who appears to be a warm, intelligent and caring human being cannot recognise and deal with an alcohol problem. I think to say I am devastated is no exaggeration despite me instigating the divorce when she refused to get help.
I've referred to her as 95% wife as that is the time she is kind and reasonable, whereas the other 5% is like a Jeckyl & Hyde where a lunatic is unleashed that is full of hate and bile.
20 years that now seem a complete waste of time as I cannot take any positives given that i've been on the receiving end and always thought that at some point she'd grow out of it, mature or having incorrectly assumed that previous relationships weren't great, would see the positives from a lovely partner (muggings here).
The next couple of weeks are going to be hell so I've booked a hotel for tonight and have work commitments later in the week. double portion of FML in the Westberks area today! Thankfully no children as they would be lunatics or depressives by now.
Just make 200% certain that nothing stops it going through to completion !At some point this will bring a sense of relief but at this time i'm just upset and angry that someone who appears to be a warm, intelligent and caring human being cannot recognise and deal with an alcohol problem. I think to say I am devastated is no exaggeration despite me instigating the divorce when she refused to get help.
I've referred to her as 95% wife as that is the time she is kind and reasonable, whereas the other 5% is like a Jeckyl & Hyde where a lunatic is unleashed that is full of hate and bile.
20 years that now seem a complete waste of time as I cannot take any positives given that i've been on the receiving end and always thought that at some point she'd grow out of it, mature or having incorrectly assumed that previous relationships weren't great, would see the positives from a lovely partner (muggings here).
The next couple of weeks are going to be hell so I've booked a hotel for tonight and have work commitments later in the week. double portion of FML in the Westberks area today! Thankfully no children as they would be lunatics or depressives by now.
As you say, keep well out of the way, keep yourself busy and, eventually, time will heal most of the wounds.
westberks said:
well, just had the confirmation that the soon to be ex Mrs Westberks has exchanged on her house purchase.
At some point this will bring a sense of relief but at this time i'm just upset and angry that someone who appears to be a warm, intelligent and caring human being cannot recognise and deal with an alcohol problem. I think to say I am devastated is no exaggeration despite me instigating the divorce when she refused to get help.
I've referred to her as 95% wife as that is the time she is kind and reasonable, whereas the other 5% is like a Jeckyl & Hyde where a lunatic is unleashed that is full of hate and bile.
20 years that now seem a complete waste of time as I cannot take any positives given that i've been on the receiving end and always thought that at some point she'd grow out of it, mature or having incorrectly assumed that previous relationships weren't great, would see the positives from a lovely partner (muggings here).
The next couple of weeks are going to be hell so I've booked a hotel for tonight and have work commitments later in the week. double portion of FML in the Westberks area today! Thankfully no children as they would be lunatics or depressives by now.
I feel for you, and I know what it's like, she sounds very similar to my ex. I 'only' stuck at it for 10 years in the hope she'd change, now I realise that she never will. One small positive you take from it is that you've hopefully learned something for future relationships - I've promised myself that I'll never get involved with someone again who has issues like this on the basis that they'll get over it if I provide some stability.At some point this will bring a sense of relief but at this time i'm just upset and angry that someone who appears to be a warm, intelligent and caring human being cannot recognise and deal with an alcohol problem. I think to say I am devastated is no exaggeration despite me instigating the divorce when she refused to get help.
I've referred to her as 95% wife as that is the time she is kind and reasonable, whereas the other 5% is like a Jeckyl & Hyde where a lunatic is unleashed that is full of hate and bile.
20 years that now seem a complete waste of time as I cannot take any positives given that i've been on the receiving end and always thought that at some point she'd grow out of it, mature or having incorrectly assumed that previous relationships weren't great, would see the positives from a lovely partner (muggings here).
The next couple of weeks are going to be hell so I've booked a hotel for tonight and have work commitments later in the week. double portion of FML in the Westberks area today! Thankfully no children as they would be lunatics or depressives by now.
Paddy_N_Murphy said:
westberks said:
The next couple of weeks are going to be hell so I've booked a hotel for tonight and have work commitments later in the week. double portion of FML in the Westberks area today! Thankfully no children as they would be lunatics or depressives by now.
Went through my first 'single' Christmas last week. In reality, breaking things down, It's one day. One day that is also in reality blown hugely out of proportion and excess. Give it zero expectation and planning, roll with the time, see how it unfurls, don't let it get to you.not too worried about Christmas as I've lots of friends close by and due to unusual family issues spent last year with friends who i'll be joining this year. Also completely not bothered about it anyway as it's not a big thing for me. Just cannot get my head around someone comparing what I perceive normal stuff that irritates (me playing 5 aside twice a week, getting in around 8pm)to monumental blowouts and verbal attacks; how can someone be so blind to their actions?
have loads planned and have been going to loads of gigs over the past few months, my Linn turntable is being serviced to assist the 'batchelor padding' of the house. Once she's gone at least the day to day trauma and regular fights will stop and provide a little calm to life.
mjb1 said:
westberks said:
well, just had the confirmation that the soon to be ex Mrs Westberks has exchanged on her house purchase.
At some point this will bring a sense of relief but at this time i'm just upset and angry that someone who appears to be a warm, intelligent and caring human being cannot recognise and deal with an alcohol problem. I think to say I am devastated is no exaggeration despite me instigating the divorce when she refused to get help.
I feel for you, and I know what it's like, she sounds very similar to my ex. I 'only' stuck at it for 10 years in the hope she'd change, now I realise that she never will. One small positive you take from it is that you've hopefully learned something for future relationships - I've promised myself that I'll never get involved with someone again who has issues like this on the basis that they'll get over it if I provide some stability.At some point this will bring a sense of relief but at this time i'm just upset and angry that someone who appears to be a warm, intelligent and caring human being cannot recognise and deal with an alcohol problem. I think to say I am devastated is no exaggeration despite me instigating the divorce when she refused to get help.
given her version of events if she were to describe Hitler in the same way it would be 'vegetarian who liked opera but didn't get on with the neighbours!' the rose tinted paraphrasing and rewriting is unbelievable.
singlecoil said:
Adam B said:
YankeePorker said:
FYI Sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders are the models recommended by the "infidelity techies" on another forum. Not had to use these devices myself, but It is said that you should equip them with Lithium batteries for good staying power.
Edited to add, set it up for 44K bit rate, balancing file size vs quality. In menus turn off the auto beep feature for discretion.
I did think some time ago, why isn't he using the voice memo function on his phoneEdited to add, set it up for 44K bit rate, balancing file size vs quality. In menus turn off the auto beep feature for discretion.
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