Divorcing empty nesters...
Discussion
Two of my very wealthy mates got divorced recently. Both had pre-nups.
They had very different tactics and outcomes.
One got through it fine. In his words, offered 4x what the pre-nup entitled his wife to in a divorce. She thought the money was outrageously small. She went to her lawyer who told her to get real - if they went to court, the judge might give her 5x but she might get 1x. Better to settle for the 4x and be done with it. She is still bitter apparently.
The other tried to hold the 1x offer. The wife got very nasty indeed. Stories were invented, horrendous accusations made, police involved. Still rumbling on now but he will probably end up paying a multiple anyway.
They had very different tactics and outcomes.
One got through it fine. In his words, offered 4x what the pre-nup entitled his wife to in a divorce. She thought the money was outrageously small. She went to her lawyer who told her to get real - if they went to court, the judge might give her 5x but she might get 1x. Better to settle for the 4x and be done with it. She is still bitter apparently.
The other tried to hold the 1x offer. The wife got very nasty indeed. Stories were invented, horrendous accusations made, police involved. Still rumbling on now but he will probably end up paying a multiple anyway.
If you don't change what you and she are doing you won't change where you are. The ancillary relief route looks like your only option to force a change, as otherwise she will continue to prevaricate, so I think you have to grasp the nettle. It's short term pain for long term piece of mind, and it will also force the final conversation about your son too.
100% that someone is in her ear saying don't agree to a straight 50/50 with regards childcare, its pre planning for when she hits the courts for more than 50% of the assets, she is just stringing you along theoretically agreeing to such a figure until the access agreement is watertight in her favour.
The reality is she probably does not even want 50% childcare, just wants it legally in place at more than that level for stage 2 of the plan.
The reality is she probably does not even want 50% childcare, just wants it legally in place at more than that level for stage 2 of the plan.
Edited by PAUL500 on Wednesday 1st February 23:50
As I mentioned before your description of your wife it identical to my ex, and at the stage you currently are at I would have said exactly the same as you ie "no way would she do x, y, z as did all our friends and family.
3 years later and after she went on to renege on everything we agreed in writing (which was drafted by a mutual friend, who she thanked by email at the time saying she was very happy with the figures) then for no reason at all cross petitioned my divorce application (apparently unheard of!) then took out an ex parte occupation order on the house I was half way through building, initiated the financial order through the courts, used the special needs of our children against me, even though I had been their main daytime carer whilst building the house on my own and she was then granted over 70% of the assets by a judge after a gruelling year of court sessions.
Then went on to put our eldest into care anyway, totally against my wishes.
Trust me get your ducks in a row, similar is being planned for you. Once she has the funds secured via the courts she will dump your son on you regardless and be off living the lifestyle she dreams of.
3 years later and after she went on to renege on everything we agreed in writing (which was drafted by a mutual friend, who she thanked by email at the time saying she was very happy with the figures) then for no reason at all cross petitioned my divorce application (apparently unheard of!) then took out an ex parte occupation order on the house I was half way through building, initiated the financial order through the courts, used the special needs of our children against me, even though I had been their main daytime carer whilst building the house on my own and she was then granted over 70% of the assets by a judge after a gruelling year of court sessions.
Then went on to put our eldest into care anyway, totally against my wishes.
Trust me get your ducks in a row, similar is being planned for you. Once she has the funds secured via the courts she will dump your son on you regardless and be off living the lifestyle she dreams of.
Edited by PAUL500 on Thursday 2nd February 09:51
I’ve started using a quote from the vastly under rated ‘90’s film The Assassin, the remake of Nikita. Anne Bancroft, her coach says something like, “When something annoys or upsets you, just smile and think, ‘it never did matter about the little things.’.” So when my wife is annoyed as I am cycling to work rather than driving or that I have made tea for everyone again, I just smile and think of that phrase.
I feel your pain Tonker.
I just dont get what they want! My one seems to think that all the bills just magically get paid, along with the new kitchen, cars, clothes, food.
It simply astounds me that someone that works with finance doesnt understand that even a household has to balance & when its just me paying for everything (she pays our 2yo childcare, her daft phone & her pile of junk 3 series that HAD to be NEW & Xdrive as we stay in a semi rural area)
Its beginning to really wear my down
I just dont get what they want! My one seems to think that all the bills just magically get paid, along with the new kitchen, cars, clothes, food.
It simply astounds me that someone that works with finance doesnt understand that even a household has to balance & when its just me paying for everything (she pays our 2yo childcare, her daft phone & her pile of junk 3 series that HAD to be NEW & Xdrive as we stay in a semi rural area)
Its beginning to really wear my down
desolate said:
As a general point do any of those going through such a divorce ever think 'f
k it' and just jack work in?
I haven't been divorced but when I think about it on when reading threads like this I just can't help but think I would down tools completely.
If you do that, expressly for the purpose of avoiding payment, then I suspect you wouldn't do too well. k it' and just jack work in?I haven't been divorced but when I think about it on when reading threads like this I just can't help but think I would down tools completely.
From what I've heard, a court would generally use your 'earning potential' as a figure when considering a judgement.
Mind you (and if there are children involved), if they did, you could go to the CSA a year later and ask them to recalculate based on their formula and you'd effectively pay nothing.
Personally, I'd prefer to continue working and if I end up paying more in support of a child, then so be it.
yajeed said:
If you do that, expressly for the purpose of avoiding payment, then I suspect you wouldn't do too well.
From what I've heard, a court would generally use your 'earning potential' as a figure when considering a judgement.
Mind you (and if there are children involved), if they did, you could go to the CSA a year later and ask them to recalculate based on their formula and you'd effectively pay nothing.
Personally, I'd prefer to continue working and if I end up paying more in support of a child, then so be it.
I can see the downside.From what I've heard, a court would generally use your 'earning potential' as a figure when considering a judgement.
Mind you (and if there are children involved), if they did, you could go to the CSA a year later and ask them to recalculate based on their formula and you'd effectively pay nothing.
Personally, I'd prefer to continue working and if I end up paying more in support of a child, then so be it.
I suppose there is less flexibility if you are employed but if you have a totally unreasonable ex what's the point of working to maintain their unreasonable expectation?
desolate said:
As a general point do any of those going through such a divorce ever think 'fk it' and just jack work in?
I haven't been divorced but when I think about it on when reading threads like this I just can't help but think I would down tools completely.
I did when I was going through it, and made it clear to the ex that she had better come to a reasonable settlement and get something, than be unreasonable and potentially get nothing.k it' and just jack work in?I haven't been divorced but when I think about it on when reading threads like this I just can't help but think I would down tools completely.
To clarify, I didn't actually do it, but did make it clear to the ex that it was a distinct possibility.
Edited by Piersman2 on Thursday 2nd February 10:37
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Just a quickie, each respective parent can nominate whomsoever they see fit to care for their child whilst in their care. (Normal "paedo/abusive" caveats apply)Sure, it's not the same parent/child quality time which can be considered the ideal, but a court would not proclaim that the child's grandparent being designated for childcare to be an unsuitable arrangement. So it's probably not worthwhile hinging your argument on this prospective outcome no matter how much it twists your gut.
Piersman2 said:
I did when I was going through it, and made it clear to the ex that she had better come to a reasonable settlement and get something, than be unreasonable and potentially get nothing.
It's a common threat. I'm not sure it's a recommended approach though, and would create a legal mess for you if it got to court. Cold said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Just a quickie, each respective parent can nominate whomsoever they see fit to care for their child whilst in their care. (Normal "paedo/abusive" caveats apply)Sure, it's not the same parent/child quality time which can be considered the ideal, but a court would not proclaim that the child's grandparent being designated for childcare to be an unsuitable arrangement. So it's probably not worthwhile hinging your argument on this prospective outcome no matter how much it twists your gut.
yajeed said:
Piersman2 said:
I did when I was going through it, and made it clear to the ex that she had better come to a reasonable settlement and get something, than be unreasonable and potentially get nothing.
It's a common threat. I'm not sure it's a recommended approach though, and would create a legal mess for you if it got to court. I suppose it is very different if you go into a marriage with a nice pot.
I had nothing when we started living together so I don't really see stuff as 'mine'. I can't even remember the last time I had my own bank account.
I'd feel as if I owed her something over half for giving up her career to look after the kids when they were younger but that would be that.
I had nothing when we started living together so I don't really see stuff as 'mine'. I can't even remember the last time I had my own bank account.
I'd feel as if I owed her something over half for giving up her career to look after the kids when they were younger but that would be that.
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