Divorcing empty nesters...
Discussion
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Genuinely, I don't take issue with any of that, I don't think anyone does. Change had to be made and you made it - good for you. Right move. Been there, done that.Okay so now she's blaming you and telling everyone that it's all your fault. Sucks, but c'est la vie.
But I am struggling to see how being a complete doormat and at her beck and call at the snap of the fingers is helping your cause.
I suspect, if anything, it's making things worse. She must be getting very mixed messages. On the one hand you're leaving her, on the other you can't do enough for her and are very obviously completely under her control! I think I'd be confused.
No one's saying start a war. But maybe a few behavioural boundaries wouldn't go amiss. You've left her. You're splitting up, getting out.
You're not that loving husband that romantically shares a pie and is there at the station, ready to spirit her home after a tiring day. She needs to understand that, and maybe you do too.
You've got to disconnect emotionally as well as physically.
And you've got to show a little backbone, she'll walk all over you forever if you let her.
Ari said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
Genuinely, I don't take issue with any of that, I don't think anyone does. Change had to be made and you made it - good for you. Right move. Been there, done that.Okay so now she's blaming you and telling everyone that it's all your fault. Sucks, but c'est la vie.
But I am struggling to see how being a complete doormat and at her beck and call at the snap of the fingers is helping your cause.
I suspect, if anything, it's making things worse. She must be getting very mixed messages. On the one hand you're leaving her, on the other you can't do enough for her and are very obviously completely under her control! I think I'd be confused.
No one's saying start a war. But maybe a few behavioural boundaries wouldn't go amiss. You've left her. You're splitting up, getting out.
You're not that loving husband that romantically shares a pie and is there at the station, ready to spirit her home after a tiring day. She needs to understand that, and maybe you do too.
You've got to disconnect emotionally as well as physically.
And you've got to show a little backbone, she'll walk all over you forever if you let her.
Slowly slowly catchy monkey and all that.
Sorry to read about this Tonker.
Just to back Tonkers stance in being a 'door mat', I think he's doing the right thing as she will make seeing the lad an utter, utter nightmare when the time comes if he pushes back. She will want to do battle all the time and use the lad as a nuclear option and deny access if she thinks it will hurt.
I'm speaking as someone who hasn't seen my kids for nearly ten years by standing my ground and so having them poisoned against me
Stay strong Tonker, all the best.
Just to back Tonkers stance in being a 'door mat', I think he's doing the right thing as she will make seeing the lad an utter, utter nightmare when the time comes if he pushes back. She will want to do battle all the time and use the lad as a nuclear option and deny access if she thinks it will hurt.
I'm speaking as someone who hasn't seen my kids for nearly ten years by standing my ground and so having them poisoned against me
Stay strong Tonker, all the best.
Ozone said:
Sorry to read about this Tonker.
Just to back Tonkers stance in being a 'door mat', I think he's doing the right thing as she will make seeing the lad an utter, utter nightmare when the time comes if he pushes back. She will want to do battle all the time and use the lad as a nuclear option and deny access if she thinks it will hurt.
I'm speaking as someone who hasn't seen my kids for nearly ten years by standing my ground and so having them poisoned against me
Stay strong Tonker, all the best.
She's going to do that anyway, I guarantee it.Just to back Tonkers stance in being a 'door mat', I think he's doing the right thing as she will make seeing the lad an utter, utter nightmare when the time comes if he pushes back. She will want to do battle all the time and use the lad as a nuclear option and deny access if she thinks it will hurt.
I'm speaking as someone who hasn't seen my kids for nearly ten years by standing my ground and so having them poisoned against me
Stay strong Tonker, all the best.
Ozone said:
Sorry to read about this Tonker.
Just to back Tonkers stance in being a 'door mat', I think he's doing the right thing as she will make seeing the lad an utter, utter nightmare when the time comes if he pushes back. She will want to do battle all the time and use the lad as a nuclear option and deny access if she thinks it will hurt.
I'm speaking as someone who hasn't seen my kids for nearly ten years by standing my ground and so having them poisoned against me
Stay strong Tonker, all the best.
You honestly think that if she's of the mindset to do that, she won't because Tonker handed over half his pie? Just to back Tonkers stance in being a 'door mat', I think he's doing the right thing as she will make seeing the lad an utter, utter nightmare when the time comes if he pushes back. She will want to do battle all the time and use the lad as a nuclear option and deny access if she thinks it will hurt.
I'm speaking as someone who hasn't seen my kids for nearly ten years by standing my ground and so having them poisoned against me
Stay strong Tonker, all the best.
I admire your optimism.
Ari said:
Ozone said:
Sorry to read about this Tonker.
Just to back Tonkers stance in being a 'door mat', I think he's doing the right thing as she will make seeing the lad an utter, utter nightmare when the time comes if he pushes back. She will want to do battle all the time and use the lad as a nuclear option and deny access if she thinks it will hurt.
I'm speaking as someone who hasn't seen my kids for nearly ten years by standing my ground and so having them poisoned against me
Stay strong Tonker, all the best.
You honestly think that if she's of the mindset to do that, she won't because Tonker handed over half his pie? Just to back Tonkers stance in being a 'door mat', I think he's doing the right thing as she will make seeing the lad an utter, utter nightmare when the time comes if he pushes back. She will want to do battle all the time and use the lad as a nuclear option and deny access if she thinks it will hurt.
I'm speaking as someone who hasn't seen my kids for nearly ten years by standing my ground and so having them poisoned against me
Stay strong Tonker, all the best.
I admire your optimism.
You're saying fight her and she will back down, I admire your optimism.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
I had a similar experience, but mine was while I was at work. The ex was trying to punch me repeatedly in our reception and I held her wrists. I then spoke to my solicitor who said 'OMG you shouldn't have held her, you could have bruised her wrists!!' Her solicitor then sent me a letter about me assaulting her. 
Ozone said:
I can only speak from personal experience.
You're saying fight her and she will back down, I admire your optimism.
You're completely wrong. In fact I specifically said No one's saying start a war.You're saying fight her and she will back down, I admire your optimism.
What I'm saying is, if you allow someone so minded to simply wander over and urinate all over you, and then jump to please them when they snap their fingers the next day, they'll have zero compunction about wandering over and urinating all over you again the next time they feel like it.
And lets be honest, why on earth should they?
Ari said:
Ozone said:
I can only speak from personal experience.
You're saying fight her and she will back down, I admire your optimism.
You're completely wrong. In fact I specifically said No one's saying start a war.You're saying fight her and she will back down, I admire your optimism.
What I'm saying is, if you allow someone so minded to simply wander over and urinate all over you, and then jump to please them when they snap their fingers the next day, they'll have zero compunction about wandering over and urinating all over you again the next time they feel like it.
And lets be honest, why on earth should they?
The Surveyor said:
It's not about his actions starting a war, it's ensuring she has no ammunition to escalate an already bitter battle. She's only asking for pie and lifts to try and provoke a reaction. Let he win the pointless little fights whilst ensuring you survive the war.
And she's getting a reaction. Reinforcement of her belief that no matter how ridiculous her demands, her husband will capitulate.It won't make a jot of difference to 'the war'.
I think Tonker is playing the long game very well. He is still seeing his son and being 'there' for him. He is remaining calm and rational and thinking clearly before he acts.
He wants/needs the house sale to go through to completion. That is the first step (although a major one). He will be in a much better position for access to his son if he has a home for him to 'have' him at. It will be important to have normal everyday items deemed necessary (bed, bedding, toys, clothes, etc) for him, which may be easier just to go out and buy rather than take them from the old house.
It will be important that you can show you have everything necessary to look after your son in a safe and comfortable environment when he spends time with you.
It will be important to avoid bringing the 'new woman' into the son's life too soon for both their sakes as well as from the court's.
I suspect money will also raise it's ugly head again when the ex-wife realises she has a lot less to spend, even given maintenance payments from Tonker.
You will get b
hy comments on those occasions when you have to meet. Parents evening will be painful (I had 12 years of them). School events are not so bad as you don't have to be together. I am sure weddings (which are probably not far off for me) will be strained. It is a shame as I have got over it, but my first wife hasn't (she left me for chap at work!) and couldn't sit with me for our son's Graduation Ceremony!!!
Keep playing the long game and avoid any confrontation if at all possible. It will serve you well in the long run.
He wants/needs the house sale to go through to completion. That is the first step (although a major one). He will be in a much better position for access to his son if he has a home for him to 'have' him at. It will be important to have normal everyday items deemed necessary (bed, bedding, toys, clothes, etc) for him, which may be easier just to go out and buy rather than take them from the old house.
It will be important that you can show you have everything necessary to look after your son in a safe and comfortable environment when he spends time with you.
It will be important to avoid bringing the 'new woman' into the son's life too soon for both their sakes as well as from the court's.
I suspect money will also raise it's ugly head again when the ex-wife realises she has a lot less to spend, even given maintenance payments from Tonker.
You will get b
hy comments on those occasions when you have to meet. Parents evening will be painful (I had 12 years of them). School events are not so bad as you don't have to be together. I am sure weddings (which are probably not far off for me) will be strained. It is a shame as I have got over it, but my first wife hasn't (she left me for chap at work!) and couldn't sit with me for our son's Graduation Ceremony!!!Keep playing the long game and avoid any confrontation if at all possible. It will serve you well in the long run.
Ari said:
It won't make a jot of difference to 'the war'.
You may well be right, but it may make it easier for him to live with in the interim. The end result of the war will be the same, the divorce will happen and they'll go their separate ways and they'll both be bitter about the whole process. If it helps him keep things together during this stressful period and more importantly keeps the stress levels down for his son, it's a small concession to make IMHO.
Ozone said:
anonymous said:
[redacted]
I had a similar experience, but mine was while I was at work. The ex was trying to punch me repeatedly in our reception and I held her wrists. I then spoke to my solicitor who said 'OMG you shouldn't have held her, you could have bruised her wrists!!' Her solicitor then sent me a letter about me assaulting her. I just sat back down and went on the net on my phone, after a few mins of ranting she stood over me goading me, so I closed my eyes and crossed my arms, she soon got bored.
That was the week before she was removed from the house by the police when she yet again rang them for no reason, leaving me to look after my daughters all weekend.
First thing Monday she snuck off with her barrister and got the ex parte occupation order from a gullible judge, I had 5 mins to collect my stuff and I could no longer go within 100 metres of the house for the next year so I can see why Tonker is holding back as much as he can.
Does your soon to be ex wife actually realise now that exchange of contracts has happened that there is no going back with the house sale? the way she is acting is a lot like my ex did? ie last ditch attempt to stay in the house and get you excluded from it?
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff