Divorcing empty nesters...

[singlecoil]

It's a good thing that Mother Nature ensures that parents will love their children. It does mean though that they are the worst people to listen to for advice on the subject of whether or not to have children. Much better advice is obtained from those who don't have children. I have NEVER heard one of them regret that choice.

[Wings]

singlecoil said:

It's a good thing that Mother Nature ensures that parents will love their children. It does mean though that they are the worst people to listen to for advice on the subject of whether or not to have children. Much better advice is obtained from those who don't have children. I have NEVER heard one of them regret that choice.

But children grow up into adults, and what type of adult will a child grow up to be, especially one that has grown up with bickering, argumentative and childish parents.

[singlecoil]

Wings said:

singlecoil said:

It's a good thing that Mother Nature ensures that parents will love their children. It does mean though that they are the worst people to listen to for advice on the subject of whether or not to have children. Much better advice is obtained from those who don't have children. I have NEVER heard one of them regret that choice.

But children grow up into adults, and what type of adult will a child grow up to be, especially one that has grown up with bickering, argumentative and childish parents.

I'm not seeing how your post relates to mine?

[Pieman68]

oldbanger said:

I wouldn't say you're getting it wrong, personally. I know I've been chipping in my 2p worth, though. I am hoping to help, not hinder. Unsolicited help is always a difficult thing. And yes, and yes, the former for the 2nd time round, so perhaps not best placed to offer advice

My ex from my first marriage was still contacting me for more than 5 years after the divorce (I think it was closer to 10), to tell me their problems etc, and this was without kids.

Edited by oldbanger on Sunday 19th March 11:56

Similar situation here. My ex left me for another bloke from work. He turned out to be a con-artist and subsequently ran off with yet another woman, whilst the house was repo'd from underneath her and she was left with a large chunk of debt. We still maintain contact for the sake of our daughter and she is a bit of a loner, so she likes to tell me her woes and her financial problems.

She only works part time as she "has to be home for the dog" and "working more hours will make her worse off as she will lose benefits". Our daughter is nearly 15 now and capable of looking after herself for an hour or two after school. It drives me mad that I pay a decent amount of support, yet still get asked to contribute for additional items (which I buy because otherwise my daughter suffers)

One day I will simply say "It's not my problem, why not go out and work more than 16 hours a week" - but that day is not until my daughter is out of education. Don't think access would be an issue these days but it's simply not worth the hassle.

After we separated I met someone else, and got married. She left 14 months later with a bloke from work (yes, again!). I severed all contact and have probably spoken to her once in six years. If she approached me to tell her about her problems, I'd tell her to get fd

Keeping the peace all revolves around my daughter, simple as that

[DuncanM]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Good on you tonker, being a good person is never wrong is it?

Your situations sounds awful, and being the better person throughout (which from evidence here, you certainly have been), is absolutely the best thing for everyone involved..

[xjay1337]

Pieman68 said:

After we separated I met someone else, and got married. She left 14 months later with a bloke from work (yes, again!). I severed all contact and have probably spoken to her once in six years. If she approached me to tell her about her problems, I'd tell her to get fd

TWICE?

FFS mate.

[DocJock]

That's what happens when you let them out of the kitchen.

[Pieman68]

xjay1337 said:

TWICE?

FFS mate.

Yep. Too much of a wet lettuce with the second one - there was an 11 year age gap and I made a conscious effort to make sure I showed my trust. Unfortunately I forgot to notice the incredibly narcissistic tendencies that meant we did/listened to/watched everything that she wanted, which included her going out with her mates whilst good old hubby stayed at home (often waiting up to go and pick her up from nights out when we were skint)

I was a mug and she took advantage. With hindsight I don't think the bloke she ran off with was the first affair but I was blinkered and didn't want to see it.

Still, learning from our mistakes makes us who we are and I am a very different person today. Can still be a nice guy without putting up with bullst! Said I would never get married again but managed to find the most amazing woman and got married again last summer (The inside joke being that I accuse her of being post op as she is much too rational to be female). Any woman that lets you have a 3 tier pork pie as a wedding cake must be a good one. Right?

[xjay1337]

No wonder you have the username "Pieman"

Fair play, and I agree, we always learn, and sometimes we value ourselves too low in the pecking order.

It does always sit in the back of my mind that at any point my Mrs, who seems great, could turn out like any one of these horror stories.

Then again, I could be a complete wker too.

Hopefully number 3 stays around for a long, long time

I couldn't imagine getting married more than once.

[Pieman68]

xjay1337 said:

No wonder you have the username "Pieman"

Fair play, and I agree, we always learn, and sometimes we value ourselves too low in the pecking order.

It does always sit in the back of my mind that at any point my Mrs, who seems great, could turn out like any one of these horror stories.

Then again, I could be a complete wker too.

Hopefully number 3 stays around for a long, long time

I couldn't imagine getting married more than once.

Neither could I, but I am not one for letting my past get in the way.

I met my good lady when I was potless - driving a 15 year old car and on the verge of going bankrupt because of the debt that the ex-wife left me in. Our early relationship was not a whirlwind of expensive dates and weekends away, it was me working full time and then doing a bar job at weekends to make ends meet whilst we got a couple of evenings a week together. We left it 6 months before we introduced the kids (one each), and went out for tea together to introduce them both at the same time to avoid issues there.

Over the time that we have been together I see how she acts with her ex with regards to his relationship with his son. The ex is an unreliable waste of space who married again and had another 5 boys. Pays very little to support his son and has let him down a huge number of times. She will not say a bad word about him in front of his boy and actively encourages their contact

They're not all as mental as some on here would have everyone believe!

[andy-xr]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Tonker, you're being too risk averse as to something going wrong.

If she lobs them all down the stairs and has to rebox them in the hall, that might just be the way that it goes. You're making excuses where there's no need - no-one here needs you to justify what you're doing and why you're doing it.

I think if someone asks for your help, and it's not too much of a stretch to do it, there's no problem in doing it. But doing it uninvited, unasked, it's going to wind people up. If it's to score a mental point, to show you have a use, to show to others that you're a good guy is just trying to find some self worth...there's other ways to do that.

[Davey S2]

Nanook said:

This thread is pretty sad.

Packing her books, helping her with costs, working on the floor plan for her new flat, which she's moving into because she's divorcing you.

She has you wrapped around her little finger. She's not anything like as useless or vulnerable as you're making her out to be.

He's the one who instigated the divorce iirc.

[Countdown]

zarjaz1991 said:

This thread and others like it certainly do help to validate my own personal stance - don't ever have children!

You're missing out. Best thing that ever happened to me.

ETA actually ignore me. I don't know what's best for you. It's horses for courses. In my opinion it's the best thing that happened to me

[singlecoil]

Countdown said:

zarjaz1991 said:

This thread and others like it certainly do help to validate my own personal stance - don't ever have children!

You're missing out. Best thing that ever happened to me.

ETA actually ignore me. I don't know what's best for you. It's horses for courses. In my opinion it's the best thing that happened to me

It's good to see Mother Nature's plan is working.

[oldbanger]

Nanook said:

This thread is pretty sad.

Packing her books, helping her with costs, working on the floor plan for her new flat, which she's moving into because she's divorcing you.

She has you wrapped around her little finger. She's not anything like as useless or vulnerable as you're making her out to be.

He's divorcing her - she wants them to stay together

However I'd agree she's absolutely got more backbone than he thinks, she doesn't have to use it though.

[Wacky Racer]

singlecoil said:

It's a good thing that Mother Nature ensures that parents will love their children. It does mean though that they are the worst people to listen to for advice on the subject of whether or not to have children. Much better advice is obtained from those who don't have children. I have NEVER heard one of them regret that choice.

That's fair enough, and I appreciate your point but, it's not really an informed conclusion is it?, because the very fact they have not had children they don't actually know what it's like to bring kids up, and what they might be missing.

It's a bit like saying TVR's are crap when you have never driven one... .

[Countdown]

Wacky Racer said:

That's fair enough, and I appreciate your point but, it's not really an informed conclusion is it?, because the very fact they have not had children they don't actually know what it's like to bring kids up, and what they might be missing.

It's a bit like saying TVR's are crap when you have never driven one... .

Absolutely, they don't know about the teething, the colic, the midnight trips to A&E, the phone calls from school, the weekly shopping trips for new clothes/shoes, sibling rivalry, non-stop expense up to, including, and beyond university, weddings, houses and grandchildren, and all for what?

For the memory of your 5-year old falling asleep in your lap and murmuring "love you, dad..."

Ps when I were a lad the most sensible car to buy was a Nissan Bluebird. A TVR was noisy, expensive, unreliable......

[singlecoil]

Wacky Racer said:

singlecoil said:

It's a good thing that Mother Nature ensures that parents will love their children. It does mean though that they are the worst people to listen to for advice on the subject of whether or not to have children. Much better advice is obtained from those who don't have children. I have NEVER heard one of them regret that choice.

That's fair enough, and I appreciate your point but, it's not really an informed conclusion is it?, because the very fact they have not had children they don't actually know what it's like to bring kids up, and what they might be missing.

It's a bit like saying TVR's are crap when you have never driven one... .

It's not like that at all. The analogy is so flawed as to be very very flawed indeed.

There isn't a way of 'test driving' having a child, once a person has a child then that person becomes a parent for the rest of their life. It's not like that with TVRs. There is currently 193 TVRs for sale on PH.

Secondly, it's hard wired into people's brains to love their children, so asking a parent how they feel about their children and about being a parent is not likely to produce an answer that is of any use to a person who doesn't yet have children.

[zarjaz1991]

singlecoil said:

It's not like that at all. The analogy is so flawed as to be very very flawed indeed.

There isn't a way of 'test driving' having a child, once a person has a child then that person becomes a parent for the rest of their life. It's not like that with TVRs. There is currently 193 TVRs for sale on PH.

Secondly, it's hard wired into people's brains to love their children, so asking a parent how they feel about their children and about being a parent is not likely to produce an answer that is of any use to a person who doesn't yet have children.

I'd be happy to have children if you could buy them from Mothercare aged about five, then when they get too old to be any fun (teenage), you could pop them on eBay.

Since it doesn't appear to work like that, I'm out.

[ali_kat]

Actually, I think Tonker is doing the right thing, albeit showing a lack of balls.

He's showing his son how to treat people nicely, not matter what they do to you.

When his Mum bhes about T as he gets older trying to posing him, his son will remember his actions and his lack of words.