Marriage Breakdown
Discussion
happychap said:
This may come across as harsh, however try to imagine what she has had to deal with regarding losing her son and not having you there to support her, despite her telling you it was ok for you not to accompany her. Her loss will always be there, she can learn over time to live with it. Try to Imagine what it would be like to be in her position.
That's what I'm doing now, I realise it's too little but hopefully not too late. I know what it'll take and I know I can do it. The problem I have is convincing her that it's worth a try, if I can do that and she's willing to be receptive to my efforts it will work. But that last bit is the challenge. As for the reasons, it's much as I have said. The son situation is the biggest thing, the rest is just annoyances and easily put right. Something I did was save money, aiming for a dream car. I neglected the fact that there's a sum of money in the bank that could be put to better use for the family and still buy a lesser car. My wife and family should be more important than that M5. I lost sight of that and I already put it to her that I was happy to spend it on us, that seemed to stir a reaction in her although she didn't get too outwardly excited. She knows that's a big thing for me as she's aware of my petrol sniffing tendencies.
She says she still loves me but isn't in love with me. Her eyes were very puffy incidentally, indicating she'd been crying and/or not sleeping either. I don't know if this is a good sign or not but I don't have much else to hang onto.
Thanks for listening, this really is putting my mind straight and strengthening my resolve not to give in.
Edited to correct wording
Edited by LikesBikes on Thursday 25th August 10:55
LikesBikes said:
She's always said I don't need to come as her mother and other close family/friends from that area accompany her. I always took this at face value and that was my mistake, I should've insisted I went too.
I understand your initial reasons for not wanting to go, but I wonder what the other people who are going are saying about you not being there and whether they think (not knowing the reasons why) it just shows a lack of caring and emotional support? And whether they are being outspoken about it to her? Do you get on well with her family/friends and have you noticed a change in their behaviour towards you since he died?
It's difficult when you're spending so much time away, particularly when in your mind you're doing your best to provide for your family. I spent 3 years working abroad, gone sometimes for 3 weeks at a time, and although my wife never complained to me I have since found out from friends that she found it difficult. I've spoken to her about it, and she just said she didn't want to put extra pressure on me while I was away. I do wonder what would have happened if I hadn't changed jobs.
I haven't been in your position fortunately, but I also have a 10 year old son and can only begin to imagine how difficult this is for all of you. It sounds like you need to convince her about couples counselling, because time apart won't provide the conclusion you want. If you badge it as "counselling will let you get everything out in the open and tell me where I've gone wrong" she might be convinced, I'm not sure she will be if you suggest it's the way to fix everything.
LikesBikes said:
That's what I'm doing now, I realise it's too little but hopefully not too late. I know what it'll take and I know I can do it. The problem I have is convincing her that it's worth a try, if I can do that and she's willing to be receptive to my efforts it will work. But that last bit is the challenge.
As for the reasons, it's much as I have said. The son situation is the biggest thing, the rest is just annoyances and easily put right. Something I did was save money, aiming for a dream car. I neglected the fact that there's a sum of money in the bank that could be put to better use for the family and still buy a lesser car. My wife and family should be more important than that M5. I lost sight of that and I already put it to her that I was happy to spend it on us, that seemed to stir a reaction in her although she didn't get too outwardly excited. She knows that's a big thing for me as she's aware of my petrol sniffing tendencies.
She says she still loves me but isn't in love with me. Her eyes were very puffy incidentally, indicating she'd been crying and/or not sleeping either. I don't know if this is a good sign or not but I don't have much else to hang onto.
Thanks for listening, this really is putting my mind straight and strengthening my resolve not to give in.
Edited to correct wording
Tell your wife, face to face that you are going to stop sniffing petrol as you realise you've neglected her needs. Ask her to describe what it's like without her son, this might be difficult to hear now you have an awareness of relating this to your own son. Ask her what she need from you in regards to support. Learn to listen to her, be honest if you don't know the answer of what the future holds for both of you, concentrate on the here and now. You can't go back to how it was when you felt everything was ideal, that's in the past and by the sounds of it that wasn't the case for your wife. You can however plan to build a stronger relationship. As for the reasons, it's much as I have said. The son situation is the biggest thing, the rest is just annoyances and easily put right. Something I did was save money, aiming for a dream car. I neglected the fact that there's a sum of money in the bank that could be put to better use for the family and still buy a lesser car. My wife and family should be more important than that M5. I lost sight of that and I already put it to her that I was happy to spend it on us, that seemed to stir a reaction in her although she didn't get too outwardly excited. She knows that's a big thing for me as she's aware of my petrol sniffing tendencies.
She says she still loves me but isn't in love with me. Her eyes were very puffy incidentally, indicating she'd been crying and/or not sleeping either. I don't know if this is a good sign or not but I don't have much else to hang onto.
Thanks for listening, this really is putting my mind straight and strengthening my resolve not to give in.
Edited to correct wording
Edited by LikesBikes on Thursday 25th August 10:55
LikesBikes said:
That's what I'm doing now, I realise it's too little but hopefully not too late. I know what it'll take and I know I can do it. The problem I have is convincing her that it's worth a try, if I can do that and she's willing to be receptive to my efforts it will work. But that last bit is the challenge.
On this, I'm really not trying to put you through the grinder here, but these changes you're talking about making. Lets say you dont do the going away Mon to Fri, either changing jobs or doing a different job. If you do them for her, and she rejects you, you probably will get really pissy at her, call her a
and wonder why you even bothered. Then you have no work because you did too many changes and wish you'd kept the nights away as at least that worked. Or, you could do these changes for you, because you want to. By not being away Mon through Fri you're more able to pick up your kid from school and spend more time with him/her even if you're no longer with your wife. You're more available to meet other people, instead of being locked away in a broom cupboard til you get back to your home.
I know it's often seen as a MustDo to work hard, bring in money for the family, but sometimes families need time and effort more than money. If you're going to make changes, be responsible for them, and do them for the right reasons (as in, for you, rather than for her). If your job changes as a result, that's fine - I'm sure you can run with it
most of what you will have heard before here is excellent advice, especially Stuttgart. Don't do what I did, bury it all and hope that it will get better of its own accord. It doesn't and it damn near destroyed me. I'm almost 3 years separated and it still hangs heavily on me, owing to the mistakes I made. I still have a very strong relationship with my son and that's what drives me on. Unburden yourself when you need to, push yourself to be sociable even when you just want to curl up and die. Try to keep your mind busy. I had little to no support from family, bar a couple of close friends. Guys always seem to take it harder as they tend to deal with it quite badly. Good luck. If you need to chat, pm whenever
I should point out that I'm a lorry driver. The company does day runs as well as nights away, so a break won't hurt and it should be easy enough to arrange not being away on an ongoing basis. At the moment I'm reluctant to go back to nights away, as spending my evenings alone with my despair in a metal box isn't going to be doing my own wellbeing any good. This will be continuing as things go on, extra money doesn't make up for losing the wonderful woman I've lost.
The marriage guidance relate place are going to call me back, their number in our town is just an answerphone to leave details on. Obviously I haven't spoken to her about it as I'm granting her the space she asked for so I can't make an appointment as such, but I can check out what we need to do to get the ball rolling and then I can put the suggestion to her on Sunday.
I've forgotten who said about stopping with the petrol sniffing so apologies, but I've already decided that. This is all my own fault, I'm aware of that. My wife admitted that she should have said something rather than express her displeasure with this coldness. But that doesn't absolve me of any tiny amount of blame whatsoever. I've been a fool and I know it. I also am suddenly very aware of exactly how much I have lost through stupidity and being too quick to think it's one of those things where marriages fizzle out. I hope I can put this right and be the husband that my wonderful wife deserves again
I really do appreciate all this, thank you all.
The marriage guidance relate place are going to call me back, their number in our town is just an answerphone to leave details on. Obviously I haven't spoken to her about it as I'm granting her the space she asked for so I can't make an appointment as such, but I can check out what we need to do to get the ball rolling and then I can put the suggestion to her on Sunday.
I've forgotten who said about stopping with the petrol sniffing so apologies, but I've already decided that. This is all my own fault, I'm aware of that. My wife admitted that she should have said something rather than express her displeasure with this coldness. But that doesn't absolve me of any tiny amount of blame whatsoever. I've been a fool and I know it. I also am suddenly very aware of exactly how much I have lost through stupidity and being too quick to think it's one of those things where marriages fizzle out. I hope I can put this right and be the husband that my wonderful wife deserves again
I really do appreciate all this, thank you all.
LikesBikes said:
I don't think there is anyone else, and I don't think she'd incriminate herself on Facebook - her mum is on her friends list and I don't think people generally admit infidelity in front of their parents, and knowing her I'd say she'd be least likely of all. But the Facebook thing is bizarre. I'm on there and also on her list although I'm far from an avid user, I don't really get it if I'm honest. Having said all this it's only the timeline thing she's deleted, the things she responded to rare posts of mine are still there.
The Facebook deletion isn't to hide stuff from you or from her parents. It's to hide stuff from someone new who may have been fed a different version of events or given a skewed version of reality.Hard to say 'my husband doesn't understand me/is never there for me/never does anything with me' if Facebook is full of happy times together.
Tuvra said:
OP, as I stated, I thought my ex was the last person to be roped in as well, but she was. I can now see how it starts, you like almost everything they post, then comes the inbox "hey hows things, haven't seen you in ages", then it happens again, and again, guy starts turning the screw and then they are discussing feelings, before you know it dick head is telling her of her true worth and how she deserves more and that he would never leave her side etc etc.
This is a classical way of operating, seen countless times, and executed by countless shaggers. Played out endlessly, and it works. Any married/relationship'd guy should just keep a casual eye/ear out for the warning signs.I’ve been on the opposite side OP, had a GF who was in a very demanding position as a PA, initially 3 nights away, this then increased to 5 nights. Time at home was constant phone calls from the company, myself doing everything in the house.
Got to the point of thinking, this is just like being single, so why not, ended it after eight years. Don’t underestimate that side of things and I did not have any of the issues like your partner.
Got to the point of thinking, this is just like being single, so why not, ended it after eight years. Don’t underestimate that side of things and I did not have any of the issues like your partner.
I sympathise with your situation. I can imagine it is pretty awful.
Also, you come across as a decent, intelligent bloke so however many times I read it I cannot get my head around
k what you said but I strongly suspect your marriage was finished at that point and that she has hated you ever since. I cannot comprehend why you felt you had to make the point that you didn't like him/care.
I can't express how spectacularly selfish andish that seems.
I might be wrong, of course, and she may feel quite happy that you told her you didn't like/wouldn't grieve for her dead son. Im not wrong though.
Sorry, forgot to say, that my main point is that I don't think there is ever a way back from that.
Also, you come across as a decent, intelligent bloke so however many times I read it I cannot get my head around
LikesBikes said:
However I had to explain to her that I couldn't forget the threats and grabbing of my baby son and that while I would be there to support her I felt it would be hypocritical to express any grief. A position she understood and accepted.
You honestly think she understood and accepted this? I suspect at the time she was so distraught she probably didn't give a fk what you said but I strongly suspect your marriage was finished at that point and that she has hated you ever since. I cannot comprehend why you felt you had to make the point that you didn't like him/care.I can't express how spectacularly selfish and
ish that seems.I might be wrong, of course, and she may feel quite happy that you told her you didn't like/wouldn't grieve for her dead son. Im not wrong though.
Sorry, forgot to say, that my main point is that I don't think there is ever a way back from that.
Edited by blindswelledrat on Thursday 25th August 13:22
I've re-read the thread and picked up on something a couple of people have mentioned. When I say "get back to things as they used to be", I mean when things were great between us back in the day. I don't mean the period immediately before the cold spell when things were on the slide.
I used to be a brilliant husband, I know she would agree. However I guess I let the mundane trudge of life creep in and pull me down. I was kind of living for myself as if I was a bachelor, I took her for granted, I failed as a husband. My fault entirely, no argument there.
However what I need to do is change back to the good man and great husband that I was. That's relatively easy, the difficult part is convincing her that I deserve the chance. On Sunday I hope to get the chance to see her, explain the plan I've made to correct what I've done to her. It's getting her to allow me the honour of making her happy again that is the challenge. And I don't know how or if I can do that for certain, that is what is tearing me apart.
I used to be a brilliant husband, I know she would agree. However I guess I let the mundane trudge of life creep in and pull me down. I was kind of living for myself as if I was a bachelor, I took her for granted, I failed as a husband. My fault entirely, no argument there.
However what I need to do is change back to the good man and great husband that I was. That's relatively easy, the difficult part is convincing her that I deserve the chance. On Sunday I hope to get the chance to see her, explain the plan I've made to correct what I've done to her. It's getting her to allow me the honour of making her happy again that is the challenge. And I don't know how or if I can do that for certain, that is what is tearing me apart.
LikesBikes said:
I've re-read the thread and picked up on something a couple of people have mentioned. When I say "get back to things as they used to be", I mean when things were great between us back in the day. I don't mean the period immediately before the cold spell when things were on the slide.
I used to be a brilliant husband, I know she would agree. However I guess I let the mundane trudge of life creep in and pull me down. I was kind of living for myself as if I was a bachelor, I took her for granted, I failed as a husband. My fault entirely, no argument there.
However what I need to do is change back to the good man and great husband that I was. That's relatively easy, the difficult part is convincing her that I deserve the chance. On Sunday I hope to get the chance to see her, explain the plan I've made to correct what I've done to her. It's getting her to allow me the honour of making her happy again that is the challenge. And I don't know how or if I can do that for certain, that is what is tearing me apart.
OK, you're in the self pity stage. I used to be a brilliant husband, I know she would agree. However I guess I let the mundane trudge of life creep in and pull me down. I was kind of living for myself as if I was a bachelor, I took her for granted, I failed as a husband. My fault entirely, no argument there.
However what I need to do is change back to the good man and great husband that I was. That's relatively easy, the difficult part is convincing her that I deserve the chance. On Sunday I hope to get the chance to see her, explain the plan I've made to correct what I've done to her. It's getting her to allow me the honour of making her happy again that is the challenge. And I don't know how or if I can do that for certain, that is what is tearing me apart.
I think a lot of what you're saying is generally good, but really, watch out for how controlling you might be - it needs to be fine from your side if she doesnt want the same things as you do. It wont be fine of course, but plugging away at the same points over and over again to wear her down just doesnt work. You reach a breaking point where one person says 'just f
k off' On the topic of going back to how they used to be, things can never go back really, only forwards and different. And it's up to both sides if they want to be a part of that new, different way of doing things
blindswelledrat said:
You honestly think she understood and accepted this? I suspect at the time she was so distraught she probably didn't give a fk what you said but I strongly suspect your marriage was finished at that point and that she has hated you ever since. I cannot comprehend why you felt you had to make the point that you didn't like him/care.
I can't express how spectacularly selfish andish that seems.
I might be wrong, of course, and she may feel quite happy that you told her you didn't like/wouldn't grieve for her dead son. Im not wrong though.
Sorry, forgot to say, that my main point is that I don't think there is ever a way back from that.
I've paraphrased it for the purpose of telling the story here, clearly I didn't say that exactly. This happened six years ago, she understood that the incidents prior to his death made our situation different regarding his passing. Or rather I thought she did. k what you said but I strongly suspect your marriage was finished at that point and that she has hated you ever since. I cannot comprehend why you felt you had to make the point that you didn't like him/care.I can't express how spectacularly selfish and
ish that seems.I might be wrong, of course, and she may feel quite happy that you told her you didn't like/wouldn't grieve for her dead son. Im not wrong though.
Sorry, forgot to say, that my main point is that I don't think there is ever a way back from that.
Edited by blindswelledrat on Thursday 25th August 13:22
But regardless I'm not blaming her. I know it's my fault and I should've put the bad feelings away and insisted on going with her. I realise now that her allowing me not to go was not because she didn't want me there, but because she only wanted the people with happy memories there. Well I want to unload the s
t memories and concentrate on the happier parts for her, so I can hold her hand through this once again. I did it for the funeral and the immediate aftermath, there's no reason I can't do it now. As long as I can get her to let me. Sorry to say it, but it sounds to me like she's already made up her mind (most people sit it out quietly, until they've made up the mind for sure), unless it's an attention seeking, "prove how much you really love me" exercise. But you'll know if she has form for that, and it doesn't sound like it.
Sure, tell her how much you love her and accept you perhaps haven't been the best husband recently, and your willingness to change. But once you've put the ball in her court, leave it to her to respond, don't keep chasing as it'll almost certainly be pointless, and just take you longer to come to terms with it. There may, or may not be another bloke (or woman) involved already, but given the number of threads on PH where that has ended up being the case despite the OP being sure it isn't, there's a reasonable chance.
It sounds like she has serious issues caused by what happened with the step son (understandable really, for a mother to loose a child that way is going to be a horrendous thing to deal with). You probably thought she was getting over it after all this time, but it doesn't sound like she was.
Most importantly, focus on your son. Spend as much time with him as you possibly can. Even if you don't get back together, he needs the reassurance that you're still going to be an active part of his life the biggest thing that he is aware of at the moment is that he's feeling separated from you. And it may help you take your mind off things a bit as well.
Sure, tell her how much you love her and accept you perhaps haven't been the best husband recently, and your willingness to change. But once you've put the ball in her court, leave it to her to respond, don't keep chasing as it'll almost certainly be pointless, and just take you longer to come to terms with it. There may, or may not be another bloke (or woman) involved already, but given the number of threads on PH where that has ended up being the case despite the OP being sure it isn't, there's a reasonable chance.
It sounds like she has serious issues caused by what happened with the step son (understandable really, for a mother to loose a child that way is going to be a horrendous thing to deal with). You probably thought she was getting over it after all this time, but it doesn't sound like she was.
Most importantly, focus on your son. Spend as much time with him as you possibly can. Even if you don't get back together, he needs the reassurance that you're still going to be an active part of his life the biggest thing that he is aware of at the moment is that he's feeling separated from you. And it may help you take your mind off things a bit as well.
Marriage break up, is like a death.
You're now grieving
The stages you go through are the same.
Denial, where you are now.
Anger
Bargaining
Depression.
Acceptance.
You'll go back and forth between like a roller coaster ride.
Hang on to the rail, I'll come back to that.
First off, she's moved on.
That last f ck you had, was a goodbye f ck.
They all do that for closure.
Sort of a female ritual thing.
Look what you've lost.
She thinks that's clever, they all do.
She out of your relationship, and she's not coming back.
Ever
Tell me I'm wrong in a year, and I'll buy you a beer.
Twenty beers
She's moved on.
It's like a fuse blows.
A shutter falls down.
Ice cold
Freezing.
Usually indicates there's someone else.
The Facebook delete does reek of this, as ash said.
.....to hide any happiness you had.
However.
You've got this coming..........
Read this.............
Demonisation.
Here you go, have a good read, if you dare.
It may seem that most divorces are similar in nature. Actually, there are different types of divorces, each of them with their own unique psychological characteristics and emotional intensity. The Mutual Agreement pattern of divorce occurs when both mates are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. This couple often settles their affairs amicably and quickly, and may stay friends. The Unilateral pattern of divorce entails one person deciding to leave to the dismay of the other. There are greater emotional implications in this type of split, where the person who chooses to leave has had time to consider, reflect, weigh the options and emotionally detach, while the “left mate” is caught unprepared, treated unfairly, surprised and abandoned.
Requests for more time, counseling or opportunity to change the situation are denied. The process of this divorce is harder and more emotional due to the imbalance of power. The emotional intensity is even greater in a Compounded divorce pattern, where there is involvement of a third party. In this situation, the partner not only feels abandoned, he or she feels replaced. The pain here is about having lost a primary position in the mate’s life to another individual. There are added painful emotions about immorality, betrayal, and failure. Within each of these divorce patterns there are additional subsets. The following subsets are associated with the Compounded divorce pattern.
In the Compounded pattern, a spouse meets another person who is adoring and makes them feel very valued and desired. At first, they lavish in the attention and feel invigorated. With time, the spouse begins to COMPARE his/her feelings about the new admirer to those he/she has for their spouse. If they decide to break up their family and start a new life (or they are asked to explain their affair), the adulterous spouse is likely to go through the following psychological stages:
1. DEMONISING THE MATE: The offending spouse is a decent person who is aware that their conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. They begin to feel great guilt, yet, continue the relationship with the other person. In order to reconcile the conflict between their view of themselves as a moral being and their unacceptable conduct, the offending spouse resorts to demonizing their mate as a justification for the affair. They ascribe to their mate many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. Suddenly, their mate is an inept person, companion, lover, parent, and they may even be labeled “evil” or “crazy.”
2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, the offending spouse claims that he/she has been so for the duration of the marriage. The offending spouse re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he/she has endured. They may say, “I have been unhappy in the marriage for 20 years” or, “She made every day of our married life a miserable day.” It is clear that this is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The offending spouse assumes no personal responsibility for their role in the so-called “long-term suffering.” They seeks approval and support from others for having been a victim, which in their mind fully justifies their affair and subsequent abandonment of their family.
3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The offending spouse retells his/her newly developed view of suffering often enough that he/she begins to believe that his/her mate DESERVES to be punished. The offended spouse becomes the “offender” and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. The offending spouse believes that their mate is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him/her, sometimes not even those allowed by the law. In many cases, the offending spouse may even attempt to deprive the spouse of equal, fair or appropriate access to the children or to child support. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.
4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all of the offending spouses vengeance, he/she still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends, and curiously enough, even his mate. He/She wants the mate to ACCEPT that he/she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he/she had no other choice but to act as he/she did. Sadly, this view may be imparted upon the children, who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt that the offending spouse experiences continues to plague him/her.
5. RESTORING BALANCE: The offending spouse expects their left mate to accept their new life and even be happy for them. They want their left mate to take the full blame for their need to escape the so-called intolerable marriage. Therefore, the left mate should also accept the “new reality” and make peace with the OW or OM. Since the left mate does not share the offending spouse’s reconstructed view of their history, he/she is often unwilling to embrace the offending spouse’s new life.
With time, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other, often for the sake of their children. In summary, in the Compounded style of divorce, which involves a third party, the following happens:
“Not only did he blame me for the failure of the marriage, but he also restorted to DEFAMING my character. How could he believe that I am such an evil being after having loved me for years?”
“How could he be so callous and insensitive toward the children by depicting their mother in the worst possible light to justify his own immoral conduct?”
“If things were truly that offensive to him, why did he not complain, and not request change or seek help FOR HIMSELF?”
“Not only do I lose my whole life structure, but I am also seen as a greedy enemy? Please, somebody help me understand how my whole reality became so skewed.”
“To make things even more bewildering, he expects me to admit my wrongdoings, take full responsibility for the marrige failure and give him empathy for “his suffering”?”
“I am also left with the task of preserving his dignity in the children’s eyes while helping them with their anger, confusion, and pain. But, as long as the children are in pain, I am accused of turning them against him!”
“If all of this isn’t enough emotional torture, he now thinks I should accept this other woman and rejoice in his well-deserved happiness. It is my task to help the children embrace her and welcome her into the fold.”
“Since when did I select her entry into our lives? Does she deserve kudos for participating in the break-up of our marriage? How did I get assigned the job of welcoming a woman whose only interest was not that of our family unit, but of her own needs?”
The people who have gone through this trauma describe it as “crazy-making.” Such severe distortion of their reality causes left mates to doubt their sanity. Recovery from this profound trauma is slow.
What can a left partner do under these circumstances?
...............
How tough is that eh?
And believe me, that's all true.
I've done it.
Lived that f cking nightmare for a few years, until I got to acceptance.
You don't want to, but that's what happens anyway
I'd open your eyes, just a bit wider, and take a look.
There's not a god damn thing you can do about it.
Control what you can control.
Sort your finances first.
Credit cards
Joint bank stuff
Savings
Demand to see the kids.
Throw a shutter down.
You're about to learn life experiences you never knew possible.
It's a roller coaster ride, but you'll come out of the dark tunnel into the sunlight again, where all the other roller coaster riders now are.
You won't believe it, you don't want any of this, but you've got no choice.
There's not a god damn thing you can do about it.
At acceptance you'll be over it.
It just takes time.
You're now grieving
The stages you go through are the same.
Denial, where you are now.
Anger
Bargaining
Depression.
Acceptance.
You'll go back and forth between like a roller coaster ride.
Hang on to the rail, I'll come back to that.
First off, she's moved on.
That last f ck you had, was a goodbye f ck.
They all do that for closure.
Sort of a female ritual thing.
Look what you've lost.
She thinks that's clever, they all do.
She out of your relationship, and she's not coming back.
Ever
Tell me I'm wrong in a year, and I'll buy you a beer.
Twenty beers
She's moved on.
It's like a fuse blows.
A shutter falls down.
Ice cold
Freezing.
Usually indicates there's someone else.
The Facebook delete does reek of this, as ash said.
.....to hide any happiness you had.
However.
You've got this coming..........
Read this.............
Demonisation.
Here you go, have a good read, if you dare.
It may seem that most divorces are similar in nature. Actually, there are different types of divorces, each of them with their own unique psychological characteristics and emotional intensity. The Mutual Agreement pattern of divorce occurs when both mates are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. This couple often settles their affairs amicably and quickly, and may stay friends. The Unilateral pattern of divorce entails one person deciding to leave to the dismay of the other. There are greater emotional implications in this type of split, where the person who chooses to leave has had time to consider, reflect, weigh the options and emotionally detach, while the “left mate” is caught unprepared, treated unfairly, surprised and abandoned.
Requests for more time, counseling or opportunity to change the situation are denied. The process of this divorce is harder and more emotional due to the imbalance of power. The emotional intensity is even greater in a Compounded divorce pattern, where there is involvement of a third party. In this situation, the partner not only feels abandoned, he or she feels replaced. The pain here is about having lost a primary position in the mate’s life to another individual. There are added painful emotions about immorality, betrayal, and failure. Within each of these divorce patterns there are additional subsets. The following subsets are associated with the Compounded divorce pattern.
In the Compounded pattern, a spouse meets another person who is adoring and makes them feel very valued and desired. At first, they lavish in the attention and feel invigorated. With time, the spouse begins to COMPARE his/her feelings about the new admirer to those he/she has for their spouse. If they decide to break up their family and start a new life (or they are asked to explain their affair), the adulterous spouse is likely to go through the following psychological stages:
1. DEMONISING THE MATE: The offending spouse is a decent person who is aware that their conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. They begin to feel great guilt, yet, continue the relationship with the other person. In order to reconcile the conflict between their view of themselves as a moral being and their unacceptable conduct, the offending spouse resorts to demonizing their mate as a justification for the affair. They ascribe to their mate many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. Suddenly, their mate is an inept person, companion, lover, parent, and they may even be labeled “evil” or “crazy.”
2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, the offending spouse claims that he/she has been so for the duration of the marriage. The offending spouse re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he/she has endured. They may say, “I have been unhappy in the marriage for 20 years” or, “She made every day of our married life a miserable day.” It is clear that this is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The offending spouse assumes no personal responsibility for their role in the so-called “long-term suffering.” They seeks approval and support from others for having been a victim, which in their mind fully justifies their affair and subsequent abandonment of their family.
3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The offending spouse retells his/her newly developed view of suffering often enough that he/she begins to believe that his/her mate DESERVES to be punished. The offended spouse becomes the “offender” and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. The offending spouse believes that their mate is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him/her, sometimes not even those allowed by the law. In many cases, the offending spouse may even attempt to deprive the spouse of equal, fair or appropriate access to the children or to child support. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.
4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all of the offending spouses vengeance, he/she still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends, and curiously enough, even his mate. He/She wants the mate to ACCEPT that he/she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he/she had no other choice but to act as he/she did. Sadly, this view may be imparted upon the children, who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt that the offending spouse experiences continues to plague him/her.
5. RESTORING BALANCE: The offending spouse expects their left mate to accept their new life and even be happy for them. They want their left mate to take the full blame for their need to escape the so-called intolerable marriage. Therefore, the left mate should also accept the “new reality” and make peace with the OW or OM. Since the left mate does not share the offending spouse’s reconstructed view of their history, he/she is often unwilling to embrace the offending spouse’s new life.
With time, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other, often for the sake of their children. In summary, in the Compounded style of divorce, which involves a third party, the following happens:
- A spouse becomes involved with a third party and is subsequently beleaguered by guilt.
- To justify his or her socially and morally unacceptable conduct, he/she first demonizes the mate, rewrites the history of their union in negative terms and then depicts himself as a victim and the mate as a persecutor.
- This partner then moves to punishing the spouse for the alleged unforgivable acts. He/She then seeks approval from others and even his partner for being “forced” to exit the marriage.
- The divorcing couple eventually try to restore balance, whereby a normalized or civil relationship is created. This may or may not be fully achieved. If you have been a participant in this divorce pattern, or know someone who has been, you are fully aware of the emotional turmoil involved.
- The demonizing process produces feelings of pure shock.
“Not only did he blame me for the failure of the marriage, but he also restorted to DEFAMING my character. How could he believe that I am such an evil being after having loved me for years?”
“How could he be so callous and insensitive toward the children by depicting their mother in the worst possible light to justify his own immoral conduct?”
- The rewriting of history is a major violation of the mate’s reality.
“If things were truly that offensive to him, why did he not complain, and not request change or seek help FOR HIMSELF?”
- Being punished for creating a partner’s misery is a mind-boggling state.
“Not only do I lose my whole life structure, but I am also seen as a greedy enemy? Please, somebody help me understand how my whole reality became so skewed.”
“To make things even more bewildering, he expects me to admit my wrongdoings, take full responsibility for the marrige failure and give him empathy for “his suffering”?”
“I am also left with the task of preserving his dignity in the children’s eyes while helping them with their anger, confusion, and pain. But, as long as the children are in pain, I am accused of turning them against him!”
“If all of this isn’t enough emotional torture, he now thinks I should accept this other woman and rejoice in his well-deserved happiness. It is my task to help the children embrace her and welcome her into the fold.”
“Since when did I select her entry into our lives? Does she deserve kudos for participating in the break-up of our marriage? How did I get assigned the job of welcoming a woman whose only interest was not that of our family unit, but of her own needs?”
The people who have gone through this trauma describe it as “crazy-making.” Such severe distortion of their reality causes left mates to doubt their sanity. Recovery from this profound trauma is slow.
What can a left partner do under these circumstances?
- Realize that all of these five phases serve the leaving partner and have little to do with you.
- Understand that this is your partner’s tragic way of dealing with their guilt. Their perceptions are the reconstructed ones.
- Your partner’s lack of any cupability is a clear sign of misdirected adaptation.
- Talk with people who can affirm your view of the marital history, interactions, and your worthy personality.
- Reassure yourself that you are sane and that the reality you are being fed is created for your partner’s self-exoneration.
- Surround yourself with people who love and affirm you.
- Remember that every parent earns his or her separate relationship with the children. Your
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How tough is that eh?
And believe me, that's all true.
I've done it.
Lived that f cking nightmare for a few years, until I got to acceptance.
You don't want to, but that's what happens anyway
I'd open your eyes, just a bit wider, and take a look.
There's not a god damn thing you can do about it.
Control what you can control.
Sort your finances first.
Credit cards
Joint bank stuff
Savings
Demand to see the kids.
Throw a shutter down.
You're about to learn life experiences you never knew possible.
It's a roller coaster ride, but you'll come out of the dark tunnel into the sunlight again, where all the other roller coaster riders now are.
You won't believe it, you don't want any of this, but you've got no choice.
There's not a god damn thing you can do about it.
At acceptance you'll be over it.
It just takes time.
Edited by stuttgartmetal on Thursday 25th August 14:10
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