Marriage Breakdown
Discussion
GT03ROB said:
jshell said:
and but I've also been the other man more than once.
You are a bad man jshell 
Happily married 11 years this w/e though, and wouldn't change it or risk it.
jshell said:
It's therapeutic when you've had a loving relationship collapse under you, so feck it, all bets off, same rules apply etc, etc. Anything willing, and easier with non-single women. Never to a friend though!
Happily married 11 years this w/e though, and wouldn't change it or risk it.
/ wouldn't admit it online!Happily married 11 years this w/e though, and wouldn't change it or risk it.
Joey Deacon said:
As has already been said, you are currently in the denial phase and blaming yourself for what has happened. She is done, the "I love you I am just not in love with you" and "I need space" are women speak for I am seeing someone else. She will not want to be seen as the bad person in all of this so she will try and convince you that this is all your fault and you pushed her to it.
The more you try and beg her to come back the more pathetic you will seem to her and the more you will just push her away. Do not waste your time, look after yourself and do not chase after her. All men who have been through this are convinced there in not another man involved and their wife is not like all the other women but trust me they are all the same.
She mentally left this marriage months ago so she is thinking with a clear head and will be more cold and calculating than you ever thought possible. Get ready to see a side to your wife that you never thought existed.
I have been there myself, blamed myself, wasted months trying to win her back only to find out there was someone else all along.
Totally agree with this. The more you try and beg her to come back the more pathetic you will seem to her and the more you will just push her away. Do not waste your time, look after yourself and do not chase after her. All men who have been through this are convinced there in not another man involved and their wife is not like all the other women but trust me they are all the same.
She mentally left this marriage months ago so she is thinking with a clear head and will be more cold and calculating than you ever thought possible. Get ready to see a side to your wife that you never thought existed.
I have been there myself, blamed myself, wasted months trying to win her back only to find out there was someone else all along.
As hard as it is and will be, step back.
andy-xr said:
I also think that going looking for someone else is a self fulfilling prophecy - it's not binary that someone goes from Happy Happy Happy OKNowI'mwithsomeoneelse. It's a series of events that seemingly pass some people by, either they're too subtle, or they're too busy still being fascinated by their own bumhole to notice.
Marriages, relationships, friendships need work, you get out what you put in, and if you're not putting a lot into the pot, it's hardly surprising if you're scratching around at a later date
Andy you need to be a marriage guidance advisor.Marriages, relationships, friendships need work, you get out what you put in, and if you're not putting a lot into the pot, it's hardly surprising if you're scratching around at a later date
Having been the "other man", I've seen somebody who has checked out of marriage due to the other parties behaviour , when the other party was totally ignorant of this. To this day I believe the other party could have recovered the situation had they accepted their responsibility. Instead they blamed me & their then wife. Their behaviour continued to be same (worse in fact) than the behaviour that caused the check out in the first place. To this day he does not believe he did anything wrong.
So much about this thread relates to what has happened to me over the last 3 years. I very much hope for the OP that the outcome is different to mine.
I was married just short of 20 years and things had become not great but I had no idea how bad they were. About this time I stumbled upon the ABD thread and one comment in there really hit home and scared the living daylights out of me.
It was along the lines of, " women are like monkeys in the trees, they grab onto a new branch before they let go of the old one".
As things continued to unravel, I got into my now ex wife's FB and found all the chats etc from a former school friend in Norway (we were living in Spain). Once it all came out, I had the agony of waiting some weeks as she "decided" who she wanted to be with. Truth is, she had decided long ago (I did wonder why more and more of her business trips involved Norway) and finally she left when it was convenient, most likely when this new bloke got shot of who he was with.
Been a nightmare 3 years and I just have not been able to move on. I just wish I could have known more sooner and that she had confided in me rather than male friends she had on FB.
As mentioned good luck OP, hope your situation pans out differently
I was married just short of 20 years and things had become not great but I had no idea how bad they were. About this time I stumbled upon the ABD thread and one comment in there really hit home and scared the living daylights out of me.
It was along the lines of, " women are like monkeys in the trees, they grab onto a new branch before they let go of the old one".
As things continued to unravel, I got into my now ex wife's FB and found all the chats etc from a former school friend in Norway (we were living in Spain). Once it all came out, I had the agony of waiting some weeks as she "decided" who she wanted to be with. Truth is, she had decided long ago (I did wonder why more and more of her business trips involved Norway) and finally she left when it was convenient, most likely when this new bloke got shot of who he was with.
Been a nightmare 3 years and I just have not been able to move on. I just wish I could have known more sooner and that she had confided in me rather than male friends she had on FB.
As mentioned good luck OP, hope your situation pans out differently
I also went through 3 years of hell.
Tried to do the right thing and work things out for the sake of our 3 year old son more than anything. Then came back from working a month offshore to find out she had cleared off with my boy. And I haven't seem him since.
Turns out she just took advantage of the "working things out period " to put all her plans into place, and then when the time was right she put said plan into action.
It was emotionally crippling and eventually financially too. She took pretty much everything ,and of course the most precious thing , my son.
She was an evil, calculating b
h . I'm not tarring all women the same, however they do think very differently about things and when they go for blood , they are going to get it.
Advice to OP and anyone else out there going through this. Do the best to look after yourself. If you suspect there is someone else , there more than likely will be. She will take everything including your dignity. Trust no one , no matter how well you thought you used to.
Tried to do the right thing and work things out for the sake of our 3 year old son more than anything. Then came back from working a month offshore to find out she had cleared off with my boy. And I haven't seem him since.
Turns out she just took advantage of the "working things out period " to put all her plans into place, and then when the time was right she put said plan into action.
It was emotionally crippling and eventually financially too. She took pretty much everything ,and of course the most precious thing , my son.
She was an evil, calculating b
h . I'm not tarring all women the same, however they do think very differently about things and when they go for blood , they are going to get it.Advice to OP and anyone else out there going through this. Do the best to look after yourself. If you suspect there is someone else , there more than likely will be. She will take everything including your dignity. Trust no one , no matter how well you thought you used to.
Sorry to hear about your situation, OP.
I've had a similar break up in the past and would suggest;
1. Look after yourself - eat, drink, sleep as best you can.
2. Talk to people about how you feel.
3. Take a little bit of time to think about what you want - you cannot rewind your relationship.
4. Start to plan. If you are not sure what the outcome will be, plan for both eventualities. So have Plan A - Staying married and look at all the practicalities of that. And Plan B - separating - work out finances, go through bills to minimise expenses, etc. In both Plans, children should be prioritised in both money and time spent.
Finally, the future might not be how you envisioned it, but different might also mean better, happier, more fulfilling.
Oh, and PHers - go easy on the misogyny, please. Behaviour is determined by personality (genes) not gender.
I've had a similar break up in the past and would suggest;
1. Look after yourself - eat, drink, sleep as best you can.
2. Talk to people about how you feel.
3. Take a little bit of time to think about what you want - you cannot rewind your relationship.
4. Start to plan. If you are not sure what the outcome will be, plan for both eventualities. So have Plan A - Staying married and look at all the practicalities of that. And Plan B - separating - work out finances, go through bills to minimise expenses, etc. In both Plans, children should be prioritised in both money and time spent.
Finally, the future might not be how you envisioned it, but different might also mean better, happier, more fulfilling.
Oh, and PHers - go easy on the misogyny, please. Behaviour is determined by personality (genes) not gender.
blindswelledrat said:
Good idea. Good luck to you, hope it pans out for both of you.
Don't worry about the 'other-man' decriers on here. PH doesn't really like women so it has to be her fault somehow and that is the easy way to make it her fault.
I certainly don't disagree with you about the misogyny from the PH socially inept (I still chuckle about the ones that genuinely seemed to think it was a good idea to send potential dates who they've never met photos of their cocks! Don't worry about the 'other-man' decriers on here. PH doesn't really like women so it has to be her fault somehow and that is the easy way to make it her fault.
)But putting that aside, when a wife suddenly goes cold, moves out to 'get some space' and deletes two years of Facebook history for no obvious reason, it's not exactly a massive leap.
I wish the OP all the luck and really hope it works out for him, and that his wife is 'the exception that proves the rule'.
In many cases people do not check out of a relationship until the groundwork has been laid for another one. It's not human nature to want to be alone and it takes a fairly strong character to genuinely leave a relationship without there being anyone else.
Not in all cases however. For example I left my ex and got into a new relationship within a few days, I had met this person before on a few occasions but never really chatted much and it was only when I was single that we started talking.
My ex may not have seen it like that. Not that it mattered, I have severed all contact.
I can understand if she did think something was going on (it certainly wasn't), I was in her situation (ex left me, then got with a mutual friend) and I certainly had alarm bells ringing.
Anyway OP just needs to adjust the the single life, sort his financials out, get them as far away from the ex as possible, hope for an easy divorce (they can happen lol) and try to rebuild his life and once he has found peace and content within himself, move back into the dating game.
Not in all cases however. For example I left my ex and got into a new relationship within a few days, I had met this person before on a few occasions but never really chatted much and it was only when I was single that we started talking.
My ex may not have seen it like that. Not that it mattered, I have severed all contact.
I can understand if she did think something was going on (it certainly wasn't), I was in her situation (ex left me, then got with a mutual friend) and I certainly had alarm bells ringing.
Anyway OP just needs to adjust the the single life, sort his financials out, get them as far away from the ex as possible, hope for an easy divorce (they can happen lol) and try to rebuild his life and once he has found peace and content within himself, move back into the dating game.
GT03ROB said:
TheExcession said:
PAUL500 said:
If you have a child together then you will get screwed if she takes you through the courts
Holy crap batman.For someone who has been here for 154 months, I think it is about time that you learn to read the whole thread before posting.
You are aware of the son hanging himself?
PAUL500 said:
GT03ROB said:
TheExcession said:
PAUL500 said:
If you have a child together then you will get screwed if she takes you through the courts
Holy crap batman.For someone who has been here for 154 months, I think it is about time that you learn to read the whole thread before posting.
You are aware of the son hanging himself?
Joey Deacon said:
So on the one hand there is you who she blames for all her unhappiness and on the other hand there is the Facebook guy who "understands her" and tells her "She deserves better" and that you "don't appreciate what you have got" and if she was with him he would "treat her like a princess" etc. etc.
She sees your life together as boring and mundane and she thinks she deserves more. She gets a rush of excitement every time she gets a message from this guy and she thinks it will always be like this.
She sees your life together as boring and mundane and she thinks she deserves more. She gets a rush of excitement every time she gets a message from this guy and she thinks it will always be like this.
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