Marriage Breakdown
Discussion
Fair enough.
I wish you good luck, but I definitely think the best advice on here is to accept it is over and think about the future.
I just keep thinking about how I would feel if one of my children died and my wife/partner did what you did. I would probably not even hate them- they would become so instantly irrelevant to me forever. That you have made his death about your feelings is selfish on a level that I can't even comprehend. That you couldn't bring yourself to be supportive to a wife grieving for her child out of some kind of principle is....I don't know what it is, I don't even have the vocabulary.
Learn from it, move on, and be a better husband next time.
I wish you good luck, but I definitely think the best advice on here is to accept it is over and think about the future.
I just keep thinking about how I would feel if one of my children died and my wife/partner did what you did. I would probably not even hate them- they would become so instantly irrelevant to me forever. That you have made his death about your feelings is selfish on a level that I can't even comprehend. That you couldn't bring yourself to be supportive to a wife grieving for her child out of some kind of principle is....I don't know what it is, I don't even have the vocabulary.
Learn from it, move on, and be a better husband next time.
Edited by blindswelledrat on Thursday 25th August 14:09
That challenging young man who died… that was her baby, too. He was tiny and soft and vulnerable and she loved him. And he grew up sad and angry and difficult, and he died. She's not mourning the violent guy, she's mourning the baby, the little boy, and she *always will*. I mean seriously always. You don't get over losing a child, it doesn't go away. Not ever and no matter what.
The only possible future for you as a couple involves you seriously taking that on board. Maybe there isn't a future, maybe that's okay.
But your initial post - you declared in the aftermath of her child's death that grieving him felt hypocritical, you set up a fancy dinner without telling her, were surprised when she had other plans for the time (packing the night before you go away is absolutely standard), and then resisted when you argued with her choice and tried to make it go your way… those are not good signs.
Strongly agree marriage counselling/mediation of some sort, maybe talk to the compassionate friends too about the loss of your stepson as you are not the first to have lost a kid where the feelings after death are ambiguous, and being able to be a supportive partner over that could make a big difference.
The only possible future for you as a couple involves you seriously taking that on board. Maybe there isn't a future, maybe that's okay.
But your initial post - you declared in the aftermath of her child's death that grieving him felt hypocritical, you set up a fancy dinner without telling her, were surprised when she had other plans for the time (packing the night before you go away is absolutely standard), and then resisted when you argued with her choice and tried to make it go your way… those are not good signs.
Strongly agree marriage counselling/mediation of some sort, maybe talk to the compassionate friends too about the loss of your stepson as you are not the first to have lost a kid where the feelings after death are ambiguous, and being able to be a supportive partner over that could make a big difference.
blindswelledrat said:
Fair enough.
I wish you good luck, but I definitely think the best advice on here is to accept it is over and think about the future.
I just keep thinking about how I would feel if one of my children died and my wife/partner did what you did. I would probably not even hate them- they would become so instantly irrelevant to me forever.
Learn from it, move on, and be a better husband next time.
You are of course correct, I now know that only too well. But giving up hope is not an option for me at the moment, as hope is all that I have. I wish you good luck, but I definitely think the best advice on here is to accept it is over and think about the future.
I just keep thinking about how I would feel if one of my children died and my wife/partner did what you did. I would probably not even hate them- they would become so instantly irrelevant to me forever.
Learn from it, move on, and be a better husband next time.
stuttgartmetal said:
Denial.
Assuming you're talking about the hope, possibly. My wife is a wonderful woman and deserves better than I've been. I'd like the opportunity to make it up to her and be the great husband I used to be. Not because I deserve it, because I don't. But because she deserves it. If it comes to the worst then I won't be able to argue, I'll have to live with my mistakes. Mistakes that cost me the most precious thing I ever had.
The issue with her Son certainly seems important and the fact she's been silent on it doesn't mean she's accepted your view and agreed with it. From your version although the experiences you went through him were no doubt unsettling and worrying at the time looking back surely it feels like they could have been a lot worse? Also how long had you been with him? His mum's known him all his life and perhaps the troublesome end is just a small chapter in his life, she's no doubt thinking of it all including happier times you weren't around. Occasions like this are when it's a good idea to be supportive and supress your own views slightly. You don't have to sing his praises but at least be open to discussing the better times and memories with her instead of taking the view that his transgressions black out the rest of his life.
It's possible this attitude has pervaded more than this one area. It's totally understandable but you need to have a think about how it comes across and how you'd feel in the reverse situation. Someone's it's best to smile, lie a little and be there for someone, when your alone you can punch some walls and shout!
It's possible this attitude has pervaded more than this one area. It's totally understandable but you need to have a think about how it comes across and how you'd feel in the reverse situation. Someone's it's best to smile, lie a little and be there for someone, when your alone you can punch some walls and shout!
stuttgartmetal said:
Marriage break up, is like a death.
You're now grieving
The stages you go through are the same.
Denial, where you are now.
Anger
Bargaining
Depression.
Acceptance.
You'll go back and forth between like a roller coaster ride.
Hang on to the rail, I'll come back to that.
First off, she's moved on.
That last f ck you had, was a goodbye f ck.
They all do that for closure.
Sort of a female ritual thing.
Look what you've lost.
She thinks that's clever, they all do.
She out of your relationship, and she's not coming back.
Ever
Tell me I'm wrong in a year, and I'll buy you a beer.
Twenty beers
She's moved on.
It's like a fuse blows.
A shutter falls down.
Ice cold
Freezing.
Usually indicates there's someone else.
The Facebook delete does reek of this, as ash said.
.....to hide any happiness you had.
Exactly this. I was in complete denial just like the OP, it will play out like this and I will be happy to split the beer bill if it doesn't. You're now grieving
The stages you go through are the same.
Denial, where you are now.
Anger
Bargaining
Depression.
Acceptance.
You'll go back and forth between like a roller coaster ride.
Hang on to the rail, I'll come back to that.
First off, she's moved on.
That last f ck you had, was a goodbye f ck.
They all do that for closure.
Sort of a female ritual thing.
Look what you've lost.
She thinks that's clever, they all do.
She out of your relationship, and she's not coming back.
Ever
Tell me I'm wrong in a year, and I'll buy you a beer.
Twenty beers
She's moved on.
It's like a fuse blows.
A shutter falls down.
Ice cold
Freezing.
Usually indicates there's someone else.
The Facebook delete does reek of this, as ash said.
.....to hide any happiness you had.
OP, are you in a position to arrange to meet up with your wife before Sunday, if you are then do so and start convincing her that you have seen the light. Her coldness as you put it might be her shutting down. Show her you are now present and available to support her.
Other posters will transfer there own experience into the advice they give, your experience can be different and have a better outcome, time will tell.
Other posters will transfer there own experience into the advice they give, your experience can be different and have a better outcome, time will tell.
blindswelledrat said:
I just keep thinking about how I would feel if one of my children died and my wife/partner did what you did. I would probably not even hate them- they would become so instantly irrelevant to me forever.
Indeed. It's massive - made even worse by the fact she had disowned him and then he hung himself. I cannot even begin to fathom how utterly heart breaking that must be to a parent.
A child getting killed in say a car accident must bring so many 'what ifs', but a suicide in that scenario is a whole different league of mental anguish.
OP, the first thing that jumped out of your post to me was "I work away Monday to Friday almost all of the time", then you saying your wife works in Retail on a Saturday - it raised the question of how often you are actually in the same room together. However, you explaing you are a trucker does cover that.
I'm sad to say that (and I hope you don't think I'm being blunt) every single person I've known who has been subject to the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line, in reality their partner is seeing somebody else.
This is happening to a mate of mine right now - turns out his wife had hooked up with some bloke at the other end of the country who worked for the same company, affair started at a conference, etc etc etc. She's currently taking him to the cleaners for half his £650k house that she didn't pay a penny to.
If your wife wants to be with you, she will agree to counselling, and make a concerted effort at puuting in place changes. It sounds to me like there are a number of issues but I'm really sorry to say that the Facebook deletion (removing evidence of a 'former' life) and the old 'not in love with you' are classics from those who just aren't brave enough to tell you outright.
If you doubt that, one of these on her motor would be 40 quid well spent to tell you where she's really going.
http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Genuine-GPS-Tracker-Magn...
Don't get taken for a sucker mate.
I'm sad to say that (and I hope you don't think I'm being blunt) every single person I've known who has been subject to the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line, in reality their partner is seeing somebody else.
This is happening to a mate of mine right now - turns out his wife had hooked up with some bloke at the other end of the country who worked for the same company, affair started at a conference, etc etc etc. She's currently taking him to the cleaners for half his £650k house that she didn't pay a penny to.
If your wife wants to be with you, she will agree to counselling, and make a concerted effort at puuting in place changes. It sounds to me like there are a number of issues but I'm really sorry to say that the Facebook deletion (removing evidence of a 'former' life) and the old 'not in love with you' are classics from those who just aren't brave enough to tell you outright.
If you doubt that, one of these on her motor would be 40 quid well spent to tell you where she's really going.
http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Genuine-GPS-Tracker-Magn...
Don't get taken for a sucker mate.
stuttgartmetal said:
Marriage break up, is like a death.
You're now grieving
The stages you go through are the same.
Denial, where you are now.
Anger
Bargaining
Depression.
Acceptance.
You'll go back and forth between like a roller coaster ride.
Hang on to the rail, I'll come back to that.
First off, she's moved on.
That last f ck you had, was a goodbye f ck.
They all do that for closure.
Sort of a female ritual thing.
Look what you've lost.
She thinks that's clever, they all do.
She out of your relationship, and she's not coming back.
Ever
Tell me I'm wrong in a year, and I'll buy you a beer.
Twenty beers
She's moved on.
It's like a fuse blows.
A shutter falls down.
Ice cold
Freezing.
Usually indicates there's someone else.
The Facebook delete does reek of this, as ash said.
.....to hide any happiness you had.
However.
You've got this coming..........
Read this.............
Demonisation.
Here you go, have a good read, if you dare.
It may seem that most divorces are similar in nature. Actually, there are different types of divorces, each of them with their own unique psychological characteristics and emotional intensity. The Mutual Agreement pattern of divorce occurs when both mates are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. This couple often settles their affairs amicably and quickly, and may stay friends. The Unilateral pattern of divorce entails one person deciding to leave to the dismay of the other. There are greater emotional implications in this type of split, where the person who chooses to leave has had time to consider, reflect, weigh the options and emotionally detach, while the “left mate” is caught unprepared, treated unfairly, surprised and abandoned.
Requests for more time, counseling or opportunity to change the situation are denied. The process of this divorce is harder and more emotional due to the imbalance of power. The emotional intensity is even greater in a Compounded divorce pattern, where there is involvement of a third party. In this situation, the partner not only feels abandoned, he or she feels replaced. The pain here is about having lost a primary position in the mate’s life to another individual. There are added painful emotions about immorality, betrayal, and failure. Within each of these divorce patterns there are additional subsets. The following subsets are associated with the Compounded divorce pattern.
In the Compounded pattern, a spouse meets another person who is adoring and makes them feel very valued and desired. At first, they lavish in the attention and feel invigorated. With time, the spouse begins to COMPARE his/her feelings about the new admirer to those he/she has for their spouse. If they decide to break up their family and start a new life (or they are asked to explain their affair), the adulterous spouse is likely to go through the following psychological stages:
1. DEMONISING THE MATE: The offending spouse is a decent person who is aware that their conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. They begin to feel great guilt, yet, continue the relationship with the other person. In order to reconcile the conflict between their view of themselves as a moral being and their unacceptable conduct, the offending spouse resorts to demonizing their mate as a justification for the affair. They ascribe to their mate many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. Suddenly, their mate is an inept person, companion, lover, parent, and they may even be labeled “evil” or “crazy.”
2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, the offending spouse claims that he/she has been so for the duration of the marriage. The offending spouse re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he/she has endured. They may say, “I have been unhappy in the marriage for 20 years” or, “She made every day of our married life a miserable day.” It is clear that this is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The offending spouse assumes no personal responsibility for their role in the so-called “long-term suffering.” They seeks approval and support from others for having been a victim, which in their mind fully justifies their affair and subsequent abandonment of their family.
3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The offending spouse retells his/her newly developed view of suffering often enough that he/she begins to believe that his/her mate DESERVES to be punished. The offended spouse becomes the “offender” and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. The offending spouse believes that their mate is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him/her, sometimes not even those allowed by the law. In many cases, the offending spouse may even attempt to deprive the spouse of equal, fair or appropriate access to the children or to child support. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.
4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all of the offending spouses vengeance, he/she still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends, and curiously enough, even his mate. He/She wants the mate to ACCEPT that he/she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he/she had no other choice but to act as he/she did. Sadly, this view may be imparted upon the children, who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt that the offending spouse experiences continues to plague him/her.
5. RESTORING BALANCE: The offending spouse expects their left mate to accept their new life and even be happy for them. They want their left mate to take the full blame for their need to escape the so-called intolerable marriage. Therefore, the left mate should also accept the “new reality” and make peace with the OW or OM. Since the left mate does not share the offending spouse’s reconstructed view of their history, he/she is often unwilling to embrace the offending spouse’s new life.
With time, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other, often for the sake of their children. In summary, in the Compounded style of divorce, which involves a third party, the following happens:
“Not only did he blame me for the failure of the marriage, but he also restorted to DEFAMING my character. How could he believe that I am such an evil being after having loved me for years?”
“How could he be so callous and insensitive toward the children by depicting their mother in the worst possible light to justify his own immoral conduct?”
“If things were truly that offensive to him, why did he not complain, and not request change or seek help FOR HIMSELF?”
“Not only do I lose my whole life structure, but I am also seen as a greedy enemy? Please, somebody help me understand how my whole reality became so skewed.”
“To make things even more bewildering, he expects me to admit my wrongdoings, take full responsibility for the marrige failure and give him empathy for “his suffering”?”
“I am also left with the task of preserving his dignity in the children’s eyes while helping them with their anger, confusion, and pain. But, as long as the children are in pain, I am accused of turning them against him!”
“If all of this isn’t enough emotional torture, he now thinks I should accept this other woman and rejoice in his well-deserved happiness. It is my task to help the children embrace her and welcome her into the fold.”
“Since when did I select her entry into our lives? Does she deserve kudos for participating in the break-up of our marriage? How did I get assigned the job of welcoming a woman whose only interest was not that of our family unit, but of her own needs?”
The people who have gone through this trauma describe it as “crazy-making.” Such severe distortion of their reality causes left mates to doubt their sanity. Recovery from this profound trauma is slow.
What can a left partner do under these circumstances?
...............
How tough is that eh?
And believe me, that's all true.
I've done it.
Lived that f cking nightmare for a few years, until I got to acceptance.
You don't want to, but that's what happens anyway
I'd open your eyes, just a bit wider, and take a look.
There's not a god damn thing you can do about it.
Control what you can control.
Sort your finances first.
Credit cards
Joint bank stuff
Savings
Demand to see the kids.
Throw a shutter down.
You're about to learn life experiences you never knew possible.
It's a roller coaster ride, but you'll come out of the dark tunnel into the sunlight again, where all the other roller coaster riders now are.
You won't believe it, you don't want any of this, but you've got no choice.
There's not a god damn thing you can do about it.
At acceptance you'll be over it.
It just takes time.
Nail...head....there is somebody else, the end. You're now grieving
The stages you go through are the same.
Denial, where you are now.
Anger
Bargaining
Depression.
Acceptance.
You'll go back and forth between like a roller coaster ride.
Hang on to the rail, I'll come back to that.
First off, she's moved on.
That last f ck you had, was a goodbye f ck.
They all do that for closure.
Sort of a female ritual thing.
Look what you've lost.
She thinks that's clever, they all do.
She out of your relationship, and she's not coming back.
Ever
Tell me I'm wrong in a year, and I'll buy you a beer.
Twenty beers
She's moved on.
It's like a fuse blows.
A shutter falls down.
Ice cold
Freezing.
Usually indicates there's someone else.
The Facebook delete does reek of this, as ash said.
.....to hide any happiness you had.
However.
You've got this coming..........
Read this.............
Demonisation.
Here you go, have a good read, if you dare.
It may seem that most divorces are similar in nature. Actually, there are different types of divorces, each of them with their own unique psychological characteristics and emotional intensity. The Mutual Agreement pattern of divorce occurs when both mates are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. This couple often settles their affairs amicably and quickly, and may stay friends. The Unilateral pattern of divorce entails one person deciding to leave to the dismay of the other. There are greater emotional implications in this type of split, where the person who chooses to leave has had time to consider, reflect, weigh the options and emotionally detach, while the “left mate” is caught unprepared, treated unfairly, surprised and abandoned.
Requests for more time, counseling or opportunity to change the situation are denied. The process of this divorce is harder and more emotional due to the imbalance of power. The emotional intensity is even greater in a Compounded divorce pattern, where there is involvement of a third party. In this situation, the partner not only feels abandoned, he or she feels replaced. The pain here is about having lost a primary position in the mate’s life to another individual. There are added painful emotions about immorality, betrayal, and failure. Within each of these divorce patterns there are additional subsets. The following subsets are associated with the Compounded divorce pattern.
In the Compounded pattern, a spouse meets another person who is adoring and makes them feel very valued and desired. At first, they lavish in the attention and feel invigorated. With time, the spouse begins to COMPARE his/her feelings about the new admirer to those he/she has for their spouse. If they decide to break up their family and start a new life (or they are asked to explain their affair), the adulterous spouse is likely to go through the following psychological stages:
1. DEMONISING THE MATE: The offending spouse is a decent person who is aware that their conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. They begin to feel great guilt, yet, continue the relationship with the other person. In order to reconcile the conflict between their view of themselves as a moral being and their unacceptable conduct, the offending spouse resorts to demonizing their mate as a justification for the affair. They ascribe to their mate many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. Suddenly, their mate is an inept person, companion, lover, parent, and they may even be labeled “evil” or “crazy.”
2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, the offending spouse claims that he/she has been so for the duration of the marriage. The offending spouse re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he/she has endured. They may say, “I have been unhappy in the marriage for 20 years” or, “She made every day of our married life a miserable day.” It is clear that this is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The offending spouse assumes no personal responsibility for their role in the so-called “long-term suffering.” They seeks approval and support from others for having been a victim, which in their mind fully justifies their affair and subsequent abandonment of their family.
3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The offending spouse retells his/her newly developed view of suffering often enough that he/she begins to believe that his/her mate DESERVES to be punished. The offended spouse becomes the “offender” and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. The offending spouse believes that their mate is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him/her, sometimes not even those allowed by the law. In many cases, the offending spouse may even attempt to deprive the spouse of equal, fair or appropriate access to the children or to child support. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.
4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all of the offending spouses vengeance, he/she still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends, and curiously enough, even his mate. He/She wants the mate to ACCEPT that he/she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he/she had no other choice but to act as he/she did. Sadly, this view may be imparted upon the children, who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt that the offending spouse experiences continues to plague him/her.
5. RESTORING BALANCE: The offending spouse expects their left mate to accept their new life and even be happy for them. They want their left mate to take the full blame for their need to escape the so-called intolerable marriage. Therefore, the left mate should also accept the “new reality” and make peace with the OW or OM. Since the left mate does not share the offending spouse’s reconstructed view of their history, he/she is often unwilling to embrace the offending spouse’s new life.
With time, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other, often for the sake of their children. In summary, in the Compounded style of divorce, which involves a third party, the following happens:
- A spouse becomes involved with a third party and is subsequently beleaguered by guilt.
- To justify his or her socially and morally unacceptable conduct, he/she first demonizes the mate, rewrites the history of their union in negative terms and then depicts himself as a victim and the mate as a persecutor.
- This partner then moves to punishing the spouse for the alleged unforgivable acts. He/She then seeks approval from others and even his partner for being “forced” to exit the marriage.
- The divorcing couple eventually try to restore balance, whereby a normalized or civil relationship is created. This may or may not be fully achieved. If you have been a participant in this divorce pattern, or know someone who has been, you are fully aware of the emotional turmoil involved.
- The demonizing process produces feelings of pure shock.
“Not only did he blame me for the failure of the marriage, but he also restorted to DEFAMING my character. How could he believe that I am such an evil being after having loved me for years?”
“How could he be so callous and insensitive toward the children by depicting their mother in the worst possible light to justify his own immoral conduct?”
- The rewriting of history is a major violation of the mate’s reality.
“If things were truly that offensive to him, why did he not complain, and not request change or seek help FOR HIMSELF?”
- Being punished for creating a partner’s misery is a mind-boggling state.
“Not only do I lose my whole life structure, but I am also seen as a greedy enemy? Please, somebody help me understand how my whole reality became so skewed.”
“To make things even more bewildering, he expects me to admit my wrongdoings, take full responsibility for the marrige failure and give him empathy for “his suffering”?”
“I am also left with the task of preserving his dignity in the children’s eyes while helping them with their anger, confusion, and pain. But, as long as the children are in pain, I am accused of turning them against him!”
“If all of this isn’t enough emotional torture, he now thinks I should accept this other woman and rejoice in his well-deserved happiness. It is my task to help the children embrace her and welcome her into the fold.”
“Since when did I select her entry into our lives? Does she deserve kudos for participating in the break-up of our marriage? How did I get assigned the job of welcoming a woman whose only interest was not that of our family unit, but of her own needs?”
The people who have gone through this trauma describe it as “crazy-making.” Such severe distortion of their reality causes left mates to doubt their sanity. Recovery from this profound trauma is slow.
What can a left partner do under these circumstances?
- Realize that all of these five phases serve the leaving partner and have little to do with you.
- Understand that this is your partner’s tragic way of dealing with their guilt. Their perceptions are the reconstructed ones.
- Your partner’s lack of any cupability is a clear sign of misdirected adaptation.
- Talk with people who can affirm your view of the marital history, interactions, and your worthy personality.
- Reassure yourself that you are sane and that the reality you are being fed is created for your partner’s self-exoneration.
- Surround yourself with people who love and affirm you.
- Remember that every parent earns his or her separate relationship with the children. Your
...............
How tough is that eh?
And believe me, that's all true.
I've done it.
Lived that f cking nightmare for a few years, until I got to acceptance.
You don't want to, but that's what happens anyway
I'd open your eyes, just a bit wider, and take a look.
There's not a god damn thing you can do about it.
Control what you can control.
Sort your finances first.
Credit cards
Joint bank stuff
Savings
Demand to see the kids.
Throw a shutter down.
You're about to learn life experiences you never knew possible.
It's a roller coaster ride, but you'll come out of the dark tunnel into the sunlight again, where all the other roller coaster riders now are.
You won't believe it, you don't want any of this, but you've got no choice.
There's not a god damn thing you can do about it.
At acceptance you'll be over it.
It just takes time.
Edited by stuttgartmetal on Thursday 25th August 14:10
Speak to the bank to limit any joint bank account withdrawls ( a mate of mine lost £80K from a joint account!)
PurpleTurtle said:
This is happening to a mate of mine right now - turns out his wife had hooked up with some bloke at the other end of the country who worked for the same company, affair started at a conference, etc etc etc. She's currently taking him to the cleaners for half his £650k house that she didn't pay a penny to.
Surely if there's infidelity they get nowt? What the hell.^ I'm not sure on the legal position here, but a mate of mine just ended up accepting some responsibility for the marriage breaking down, even though she was the one shagging other blokes behind his back. Apparently to speed the process up and try to stop her taking him to the cleaners. It worked on the 1st bit but not the 2nd 
Racing rabbit said:
Nail...head....there is somebody else, the end.
Speak to the bank to limit any joint bank account withdrawls ( a mate of mine lost £80K from a joint account!)
So you think the reason is more likely to be another bloke than the fact he refused to help her grieve for her son who committed suicide after they had shunned him?Speak to the bank to limit any joint bank account withdrawls ( a mate of mine lost £80K from a joint account!)
Bound to be another man when I see it written like that. The dirty slut.
TheExcession said:
blindswelledrat said:
I just keep thinking about how I would feel if one of my children died and my wife/partner did what you did. I would probably not even hate them- they would become so instantly irrelevant to me forever.
Indeed. It's massive - made even worse by the fact she had disowned him and then he hung himself. I cannot even begin to fathom how utterly heart breaking that must be to a parent.
A child getting killed in say a car accident must bring so many 'what ifs', but a suicide in that scenario is a whole different league of mental anguish.
OP,
You're not going to turn your relationship around until you address the issue of her son. You said he died 6 years ago which isn't really that long ago - I'm sure it's still very raw for her. She probably wants to talk to you about what she's feeling about his death but can't because she knows you didn't like him.
Until you find a way to forgive the son for his actions prior to his death (and convey this to your OH) the issue will always be the elephant in the room. I know you find it strange to go and visit the actual place where he took his life but do you accompany your OH when she visits her sons grave (or where his ashes were scattered)?
Anyway, good luck with it all.
AshBurrows said:
PurpleTurtle said:
This is happening to a mate of mine right now - turns out his wife had hooked up with some bloke at the other end of the country who worked for the same company, affair started at a conference, etc etc etc. She's currently taking him to the cleaners for half his £650k house that she didn't pay a penny to.
Surely if there's infidelity they get nowt? What the hell.
Doesn't make one jot of difference. Divorce courts aren't there to decide who's fault it is and what effect it should have on financial disbursement. If you think about it, how could they?
blindswelledrat said:
So you think the reason is more likely to be another bloke than the fact he refused to help her grieve for her son who committed suicide after they had shunned him?
Bound to be another man when I see it written like that. The dirty slut.
The son thing happened six years ago. Six years but she 'goes cold' a few months ago and deletes the last two years of Facebook? Bound to be another man when I see it written like that. The dirty slut.
Ari said:
blindswelledrat said:
So you think the reason is more likely to be another bloke than the fact he refused to help her grieve for her son who committed suicide after they had shunned him?
Bound to be another man when I see it written like that. The dirty slut.
The son thing happened six years ago. Six years but she 'goes cold' a few months ago and deletes the last two years of Facebook? Bound to be another man when I see it written like that. The dirty slut.
Regardless of how it's unfolded then the issue needs to be addressed or it'll keep reoccurring (and maybe it's occurred many times it's just this time she's had enough)
Racing rabbit said:
Nail...head....there is somebody else, the end.
Speak to the bank to limit any joint bank account withdrawls ( a mate of mine lost £80K from a joint account!)
Did you have to quote the WHOLE thing or could you have simple put -snip- in the quote.Speak to the bank to limit any joint bank account withdrawls ( a mate of mine lost £80K from a joint account!)
Ridiculous. And adds nothing other than scrolling time.
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