Marriage Breakdown
Discussion
andy-xr said:
On this, I'm really not trying to put you through the grinder here, but these changes you're talking about making. Lets say you dont do the going away Mon to Fri, either changing jobs or doing a different job.
If you do them for her, and she rejects you, you probably will get really pissy at her, call her a
and wonder why you even bothered. Then you have no work because you did too many changes and wish you'd kept the nights away as at least that worked.
Or, you could do these changes for you, because you want to. By not being away Mon through Fri you're more able to pick up your kid from school and spend more time with him/her even if you're no longer with your wife. You're more available to meet other people, instead of being locked away in a broom cupboard til you get back to your home.
I know it's often seen as a MustDo to work hard, bring in money for the family, but sometimes families need time and effort more than money. If you're going to make changes, be responsible for them, and do them for the right reasons (as in, for you, rather than for her). If your job changes as a result, that's fine - I'm sure you can run with it
This man talks sense.If you do them for her, and she rejects you, you probably will get really pissy at her, call her a
and wonder why you even bothered. Then you have no work because you did too many changes and wish you'd kept the nights away as at least that worked. Or, you could do these changes for you, because you want to. By not being away Mon through Fri you're more able to pick up your kid from school and spend more time with him/her even if you're no longer with your wife. You're more available to meet other people, instead of being locked away in a broom cupboard til you get back to your home.
I know it's often seen as a MustDo to work hard, bring in money for the family, but sometimes families need time and effort more than money. If you're going to make changes, be responsible for them, and do them for the right reasons (as in, for you, rather than for her). If your job changes as a result, that's fine - I'm sure you can run with it
stuttgartmetal said:
And no matter what you, him, or any other person who wishes to quote this that or the other, the mother gets everything.
This man less so.GT03ROB said:
andy-xr said:
On this, I'm really not trying to put you through the grinder here, but these changes you're talking about making. Lets say you dont do the going away Mon to Fri, either changing jobs or doing a different job.
If you do them for her, and she rejects you, you probably will get really pissy at her, call her a and wonder why you even bothered. Then you have no work because you did too many changes and wish you'd kept the nights away as at least that worked.
Or, you could do these changes for you, because you want to. By not being away Mon through Fri you're more able to pick up your kid from school and spend more time with him/her even if you're no longer with your wife. You're more available to meet other people, instead of being locked away in a broom cupboard til you get back to your home.
I know it's often seen as a MustDo to work hard, bring in money for the family, but sometimes families need time and effort more than money. If you're going to make changes, be responsible for them, and do them for the right reasons (as in, for you, rather than for her). If your job changes as a result, that's fine - I'm sure you can run with it
This man talks sense.If you do them for her, and she rejects you, you probably will get really pissy at her, call her a
and wonder why you even bothered. Then you have no work because you did too many changes and wish you'd kept the nights away as at least that worked. Or, you could do these changes for you, because you want to. By not being away Mon through Fri you're more able to pick up your kid from school and spend more time with him/her even if you're no longer with your wife. You're more available to meet other people, instead of being locked away in a broom cupboard til you get back to your home.
I know it's often seen as a MustDo to work hard, bring in money for the family, but sometimes families need time and effort more than money. If you're going to make changes, be responsible for them, and do them for the right reasons (as in, for you, rather than for her). If your job changes as a result, that's fine - I'm sure you can run with it
stuttgartmetal said:
And no matter what you, him, or any other person who wishes to quote this that or the other, the mother gets everything.
This man less so.Elaborate.
You think it's in the ops hands to pull it all together, and make a go of it ?
And
You think the courts go fifty fifty?
Mate
The wife will end up in the marital home, till all the kids are eighteen.
The husband will pay the mortgage.
He can live in a rented flat, eating baked beans and ryvita with margarine till then.
That's how it goes
She'll come home
Get a mesher order
Job done
It's just how it goes.
I'd like to recap, just for clarity. I may not have explained this properly at the start of the thread.
I'm aware of my wrongdoings in all this, I'm also aware that the fault is mine and mine alone. I know I have to push my issues with the step son aside and leave them behind for my wife's sake, something I should have done a long time ago. Now I've prepared myself for what I should do, I'm more confident than I've ever been about anything that I can do it right and more importantly keep it up. No one here can tell me anything that will hurt me more than what I've already told myself. The knowledge that I've hurt the love of my life so badly is punishment enough without the ongoing misery that will come from losing her. But I cannot blame her for that, or indeed any of this. This has been a massive wake up call for me that I realise has almost certainly come too late to save me from the one thing I don't want, the one thing that will punish me forever.
I'm aware that the chances of this going the way I want it to are exceedingly bad. I have a few tiny threads to hang onto until I find out, tiny threads really is all they are. But if by some miracle I'm granted the chance to make this right then make it right I will. I need to know that I've made every effort that I can before I face up to an unhappy future, otherwise I will never be able to look myself in the eye again.
Im making myself look desperate I know, and desperate I am. But I'm not embarrassed to admit these things and I'm not embarrassed of anything I've said in this thread. Ashamed is what I am and if I don't do my best to fix it, regardless of how it ends for me, I'll never live with myself.
This thread has helped me focus, I knew what I needed to do already. But it has helped me sort the things swirling in my head and arrange them into what I need to do. I thank you all for that, every one of you.
All I can do is say my piece on Sunday and hope my pitch is enough to convince her. If not I'm destined to continue in the limbo I'm in now. Living in hope with no actual hope whatsoever.
Thank you again.
I'm aware of my wrongdoings in all this, I'm also aware that the fault is mine and mine alone. I know I have to push my issues with the step son aside and leave them behind for my wife's sake, something I should have done a long time ago. Now I've prepared myself for what I should do, I'm more confident than I've ever been about anything that I can do it right and more importantly keep it up. No one here can tell me anything that will hurt me more than what I've already told myself. The knowledge that I've hurt the love of my life so badly is punishment enough without the ongoing misery that will come from losing her. But I cannot blame her for that, or indeed any of this. This has been a massive wake up call for me that I realise has almost certainly come too late to save me from the one thing I don't want, the one thing that will punish me forever.
I'm aware that the chances of this going the way I want it to are exceedingly bad. I have a few tiny threads to hang onto until I find out, tiny threads really is all they are. But if by some miracle I'm granted the chance to make this right then make it right I will. I need to know that I've made every effort that I can before I face up to an unhappy future, otherwise I will never be able to look myself in the eye again.
Im making myself look desperate I know, and desperate I am. But I'm not embarrassed to admit these things and I'm not embarrassed of anything I've said in this thread. Ashamed is what I am and if I don't do my best to fix it, regardless of how it ends for me, I'll never live with myself.
This thread has helped me focus, I knew what I needed to do already. But it has helped me sort the things swirling in my head and arrange them into what I need to do. I thank you all for that, every one of you.
All I can do is say my piece on Sunday and hope my pitch is enough to convince her. If not I'm destined to continue in the limbo I'm in now. Living in hope with no actual hope whatsoever.
Thank you again.
stuttgartmetal said:
Come on Rob.
Elaborate.
You think it's in the ops hands to pull it all together, and make a go of it ?
And
You think the courts go fifty fifty?
Mate
The wife will end up in the marital home, till all the kids are eighteen.
The husband will pay the mortgage.
He can live in a rented flat, eating baked beans and ryvita with margarine till then.
That's how it goes
She'll come home
Get a mesher order
Job done
It's just how it goes.
My post wasn't about doing a smash n'grab from either side, it was more aimed at looking where changes can and should be made for the OP, whether with or without life with the wife, cos right now life's falling away while he's tucked up in a cab 5 nights a week Elaborate.
You think it's in the ops hands to pull it all together, and make a go of it ?
And
You think the courts go fifty fifty?
Mate
The wife will end up in the marital home, till all the kids are eighteen.
The husband will pay the mortgage.
He can live in a rented flat, eating baked beans and ryvita with margarine till then.
That's how it goes
She'll come home
Get a mesher order
Job done
It's just how it goes.
OP....if you haven't already, as stutt says...get on wikivorce. When you're there, if my thread still exists, it's a good read (can't remember the title, I think it was 'I've ruined my life' - self blame eh!?! but my user name was Lsot1).
It chronicles my marriage breakdown and why it was all my fault, why my wife was not like all the others, didn't have another bloke etc etc. It's a long read, but I am now 8 years on from that split (after 24 years married, 26 together) and am happily remarried (yes PH faithful, I am a glutton for punishment!)
I have in my current relationship, everything I thought I had in my last...boy was I wrong about that!
Whatever happens, you WILL be OK, you 'might' get back together, there's cases of that happening on wikivorce too, but you must look after yourself. If you were your wife, would you want a wreck back? I doubt it, but a new model, all fit and raring to go...maybe!
All the best.
It chronicles my marriage breakdown and why it was all my fault, why my wife was not like all the others, didn't have another bloke etc etc. It's a long read, but I am now 8 years on from that split (after 24 years married, 26 together) and am happily remarried (yes PH faithful, I am a glutton for punishment!)
I have in my current relationship, everything I thought I had in my last...boy was I wrong about that!
Whatever happens, you WILL be OK, you 'might' get back together, there's cases of that happening on wikivorce too, but you must look after yourself. If you were your wife, would you want a wreck back? I doubt it, but a new model, all fit and raring to go...maybe!
All the best.
LikesBikes said:
I'd like to recap, just for clarity. I may not have explained this properly at the start of the thread.
I'm aware of my wrongdoings in all this, I'm also aware that the fault is mine and mine alone.
You're being a bit hard on yourself. From what you've said, you haven't done anything deliberately or particularly bad. I'm aware of my wrongdoings in all this, I'm also aware that the fault is mine and mine alone.
stuttgartmetal said:
Come on Rob.
Elaborate.
Ok let me try in 2 parts as there was 2 points.......Elaborate.
stuttgartmetal said:
think it's in the ops hands to pull it all together, and make a go of it ?
Nope not at all. Which is why I agree that for the OP to make changes to his life for the sole purpose of getting his wife back is a mistake. Any changes he makes he needs to make because it's right for him. If it get her back great, if it doesn't great also because he wanted to do them anyway. stuttgartmetal said:
You think the courts go fifty fifty?
Mate
The wife will end up in the marital home, till all the kids are eighteen.
The husband will pay the mortgage.
He can live in a rented flat, eating baked beans and ryvita with margarine till then.
That's how it goes
She'll come home
Get a mesher order
Job done
It's just how it goes.
mjb1 said:
LikesBikes said:
I'd like to recap, just for clarity. I may not have explained this properly at the start of the thread.
I'm aware of my wrongdoings in all this, I'm also aware that the fault is mine and mine alone.
You're being a bit hard on yourself. From what you've said, you haven't done anything deliberately or particularly bad. I'm aware of my wrongdoings in all this, I'm also aware that the fault is mine and mine alone.
Sounds like she doesn't want the marriage and you anymore once a women has made her decision there isn't much you can do about it.
Wouldn't be surprised if there is someone else on the scene all ready.
You know need to think about yourself your son and to get out with as least damage as possible.
Wouldn't be surprised if there is someone else on the scene all ready.
You know need to think about yourself your son and to get out with as least damage as possible.
I am definitely not the right person to ask for relationship advice, but I think you need to assert yourself in your own mind more.
From what you've written above you are playing the blame game and blaming yourself for all your woes. It's never that simple.
For God's sake don't approach any conversation with her by stating 'I was so wrong, I'm so sorry, I can change... It was me not you...'.
Between the pair of you, you both very quickly need to get to the bottom of 'Is there another man involved?'.
That will give you both a binary decision as to whether there is any point in trying to get things working again together. Be prepared for the worst news you can hear, if she says no and you believe her then that is the time where you need to open your ears, calm your feelings and get everything you can out of her.
This is probably the hardest thing you'll ever try to do, get out of her what has been pissing her off to this degree. It won't be easy and more than likely you won't enjoy hearing it and if you get this far it will likely make you feel even more st than you feel right now.
Given that you get this opportunity, sit and listen and then be honest and say thanks and that you need a bit of space to think about it all.
I'm reminded of a song that a friend wrote some 20+ years ago
Keep your head up fella!
From what you've written above you are playing the blame game and blaming yourself for all your woes. It's never that simple.
For God's sake don't approach any conversation with her by stating 'I was so wrong, I'm so sorry, I can change... It was me not you...'.
Between the pair of you, you both very quickly need to get to the bottom of 'Is there another man involved?'.
That will give you both a binary decision as to whether there is any point in trying to get things working again together. Be prepared for the worst news you can hear, if she says no and you believe her then that is the time where you need to open your ears, calm your feelings and get everything you can out of her.
This is probably the hardest thing you'll ever try to do, get out of her what has been pissing her off to this degree. It won't be easy and more than likely you won't enjoy hearing it and if you get this far it will likely make you feel even more s
t than you feel right now.Given that you get this opportunity, sit and listen and then be honest and say thanks and that you need a bit of space to think about it all.
I'm reminded of a song that a friend wrote some 20+ years ago
Duncan Clee said:
Let me see you just for one more time.
Let me fix your picture in my mind.
Let me love you just for one more night.
Won't you help me baby? Try to put it right?
Can't believe what you said to me,
Your meaning is still a mystery.
Can't imagine what I've done to you
All I know is I've got nothing left to lose
Nothing left to gain
Well ain't that just a shame
You know some things never change
Yeah here I go again
Anytime you just call on me
I'll pretend what you want me to be
I could shed my skin and change my tune
I can lie to you and promise you the moon
It carries on...Let me fix your picture in my mind.
Let me love you just for one more night.
Won't you help me baby? Try to put it right?
Can't believe what you said to me,
Your meaning is still a mystery.
Can't imagine what I've done to you
All I know is I've got nothing left to lose
Nothing left to gain
Well ain't that just a shame
You know some things never change
Yeah here I go again
Anytime you just call on me
I'll pretend what you want me to be
I could shed my skin and change my tune
I can lie to you and promise you the moon
Keep your head up fella!
stuttgartmetal said:
Ari said:
stuttgartmetal said:
the mother gets everything.
Simply not true. Let's see how it all pans out eh.
LikesBikes said:
I'm aware of my wrongdoings in all this, I'm also aware that the fault is mine and mine alone. I know I have to push my issues with the step son aside and leave them behind for my wife's sake, something I should have done a long time ago. Now I've prepared myself for what I should do, I'm more confident than I've ever been about anything that I can do it right and more importantly keep it up. No one here can tell me anything that will hurt me more than what I've already told myself. The knowledge that I've hurt the love of my life so badly is punishment enough without the ongoing misery that will come from losing her.
First and foremost, I really do wish you all the luck with this.But it's important to remember, there are two people in a relationship, two people that need(ed) to be working together.
I'm sure you're not blameless, and clearly there have been difficult times. But I doubt very much that you're the only one to blame for where you find yourself now.
I'd go in looking to have an adult discussion about this, not heap sackcloth and ashes upon yourself and go on bended knee pleading forgiveness.
Admit your mistakes, apologise, fine. But as part of a discussion, not as a one sided begging mission - that won't help.
There's a huge lag between the situation with her son and the current problems. I'm really not convinced that the latter is necessarily all about the former - especially in light of the Facebook shenanigans.
Look after yourself.
Long and short is she has met someone else whilst youve been working away.
No other reason would lead to this imvho.
So, do you accept this and try to win her back considering your marriage vows, in sickness and in health and so on and try your best to make it work. I think she has made her mind up but as youre married you have to try 100% otherwise why get married?
Or, do you simply accept it, keep your pride and move on?
Strange one this. If it were me and it was a girlfriend id take it on the chin, tell her i accept her decision and move on with life as harsh as it sounds and as upsetting as it would be. That being said, when youre married youve made a lifetime commitment to each other and therefore it is difficult. Thats why i dont like marriage
Whatever happens, dont turn to too much drink etc, keep your job and dont let it affect your work. If it does things can spiral quickly
No other reason would lead to this imvho.
So, do you accept this and try to win her back considering your marriage vows, in sickness and in health and so on and try your best to make it work. I think she has made her mind up but as youre married you have to try 100% otherwise why get married?
Or, do you simply accept it, keep your pride and move on?
Strange one this. If it were me and it was a girlfriend id take it on the chin, tell her i accept her decision and move on with life as harsh as it sounds and as upsetting as it would be. That being said, when youre married youve made a lifetime commitment to each other and therefore it is difficult. Thats why i dont like marriage
Whatever happens, dont turn to too much drink etc, keep your job and dont let it affect your work. If it does things can spiral quickly
jonah35 said:
Long and short is she has met someone else whilst youve been working away.
No other reason would lead to this imvho.
There could be a multitude of reasons, including this.No other reason would lead to this imvho.
I suspect the OP has taken her for granted, and she has had plenty of time to brood.....
Hopefully any issues can be resolved, given time and goodwill on both sides...
Men are from Mars etc
This thread is blokes talking to blokes, we understand each other, and are trying to rationalise a situation as if it is an issue we have/had with another bloke.
Problem is the female of the species works under a completely different set of parameters, which most of us will never ever fathom out.
There is someone else on the scene 100% guaranteed, in time it will all come out in the wash, it always does.
If you have a child together then you will get screwed if she takes you through the courts, regardless of the facts about the split. Its all about the children, unless you have equal custody (and working away will put the block on that) you will come out the loser financially, been there, seen the film , read the book, came away with only 28% of my hard earned assets.
The judge wont even look at whats been spent post split, just whats in the pot on the day of the final hearing, close all joint accounts/credit cards etc asap.
It will get nasty, mediation etc is a complete waste of time as it takes two to tango, her mind is already closed, dont waste your time and money.
This thread is blokes talking to blokes, we understand each other, and are trying to rationalise a situation as if it is an issue we have/had with another bloke.
Problem is the female of the species works under a completely different set of parameters, which most of us will never ever fathom out.
There is someone else on the scene 100% guaranteed, in time it will all come out in the wash, it always does.
If you have a child together then you will get screwed if she takes you through the courts, regardless of the facts about the split. Its all about the children, unless you have equal custody (and working away will put the block on that) you will come out the loser financially, been there, seen the film , read the book, came away with only 28% of my hard earned assets.
The judge wont even look at whats been spent post split, just whats in the pot on the day of the final hearing, close all joint accounts/credit cards etc asap.
It will get nasty, mediation etc is a complete waste of time as it takes two to tango, her mind is already closed, dont waste your time and money.
PAUL500 said:
If you have a child together then you will get screwed if she takes you through the courts
Holy crap batman.For someone who has been here for 154 months, I think it is about time that you learn to read the whole thread before posting.
You are aware of the son hanging himself?
TheExcession said:
PAUL500 said:
If you have a child together then you will get screwed if she takes you through the courts
Holy crap batman.For someone who has been here for 154 months, I think it is about time that you learn to read the whole thread before posting.
You are aware of the son hanging himself?
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