Marriage Breakdown
Discussion
GT03ROB said:
TheExcession said:
PAUL500 said:
If you have a child together then you will get screwed if she takes you through the courts
Holy crap batman.For someone who has been here for 154 months, I think it is about time that you learn to read the whole thread before posting.
You are aware of the son hanging himself?
", I'm missing it at the moment, help me out. Thanks. TheExcession said:
GT03ROB said:
TheExcession said:
PAUL500 said:
If you have a child together then you will get screwed if she takes you through the courts
Holy crap batman.For someone who has been here for 154 months, I think it is about time that you learn to read the whole thread before posting.
You are aware of the son hanging himself?
", I'm missing it at the moment, help me out. Thanks. 
A development.
My son was with me this afternoon. I did the good dad thing and took him out on his bike, made him dinner and walked him to her mothers house to return him as arranged at about 7.30.
My wife answered the door and was very amicable. I asked for two minutes, so I could apologise for my texts on the Tuesday. She invited me to the back garden for a tea and a cigarette.
She allowed me to explain my plans for putting this right. I told her that I'd been to the doctors and then work to hand in a sick note (a formality for our sick pay) and spoken with my boss to bin off the nights away. She allowed me well over an hour, her eyes welling up the whole time. She told me she couldn't give me an answer straight away and I hadn't been expecting one. But she did agree to give it some serious thought.
No guarantees there I know but she listened. I'm aware that I've not won anything yet, but For the first time I have a sense of optimism rather than, at best, blind hope. I know there isn't a quick fix but I can prepare myself for the long, arduous journey that may be ahead of me. Our marriage isn't dead yet, it is only wounded.
I'm still more than confident that there is no one else in the frame. I'm confident that I'll be given the opportunity to speak again. I'm confident that all is not lost and I will be allowed to do the right thing and support her. Even if it doesn't get me the result I ultimately want, I'll know that I did the right thing and I'll know that in the end I was a good man again, even if achieving that status came along too late.
Thanks all round. Especially to the PHer I've been PM'ing with, a great help and support. You know who you are.
My son was with me this afternoon. I did the good dad thing and took him out on his bike, made him dinner and walked him to her mothers house to return him as arranged at about 7.30.
My wife answered the door and was very amicable. I asked for two minutes, so I could apologise for my texts on the Tuesday. She invited me to the back garden for a tea and a cigarette.
She allowed me to explain my plans for putting this right. I told her that I'd been to the doctors and then work to hand in a sick note (a formality for our sick pay) and spoken with my boss to bin off the nights away. She allowed me well over an hour, her eyes welling up the whole time. She told me she couldn't give me an answer straight away and I hadn't been expecting one. But she did agree to give it some serious thought.
No guarantees there I know but she listened. I'm aware that I've not won anything yet, but For the first time I have a sense of optimism rather than, at best, blind hope. I know there isn't a quick fix but I can prepare myself for the long, arduous journey that may be ahead of me. Our marriage isn't dead yet, it is only wounded.
I'm still more than confident that there is no one else in the frame. I'm confident that I'll be given the opportunity to speak again. I'm confident that all is not lost and I will be allowed to do the right thing and support her. Even if it doesn't get me the result I ultimately want, I'll know that I did the right thing and I'll know that in the end I was a good man again, even if achieving that status came along too late.
Thanks all round. Especially to the PHer I've been PM'ing with, a great help and support. You know who you are.
As has already been said, you are currently in the denial phase and blaming yourself for what has happened. She is done, the "I love you I am just not in love with you" and "I need space" are women speak for I am seeing someone else. She will not want to be seen as the bad person in all of this so she will try and convince you that this is all your fault and you pushed her to it.
The more you try and beg her to come back the more pathetic you will seem to her and the more you will just push her away. Do not waste your time, look after yourself and do not chase after her. All men who have been through this are convinced there in not another man involved and their wife is not like all the other women but trust me they are all the same.
She mentally left this marriage months ago so she is thinking with a clear head and will be more cold and calculating than you ever thought possible. Get ready to see a side to your wife that you never thought existed.
I have been there myself, blamed myself, wasted months trying to win her back only to find out there was someone else all along.
The more you try and beg her to come back the more pathetic you will seem to her and the more you will just push her away. Do not waste your time, look after yourself and do not chase after her. All men who have been through this are convinced there in not another man involved and their wife is not like all the other women but trust me they are all the same.
She mentally left this marriage months ago so she is thinking with a clear head and will be more cold and calculating than you ever thought possible. Get ready to see a side to your wife that you never thought existed.
I have been there myself, blamed myself, wasted months trying to win her back only to find out there was someone else all along.
LikesBikes said:
She told me she couldn't give me an answer straight away and I hadn't been expecting one.
She's now making a list of pro's and con's between you - someone who in her mind, has let her down, and between the new guy - who has heard all your failings and told her, he's "not like you".(Went through this 3 years ago. Divorced 2 years ago)
Edited by Bibbs on Friday 26th August 04:20
Bibbs said:
LikesBikes said:
She told me she couldn't give me an answer straight away and I hadn't been expecting one.
She's now making a list of pro's and con's between you - someone who in her mind, has let her down, and between the new guy - who has heard all your failings and told her, he's "not like you".(Went through this 3 years ago. Divorced 2 years ago)
Edited by Bibbs on Friday 26th August 04:20
Tuvra said:
OP, as I stated, I thought my ex was the last person to be roped in as well, but she was. I can now see how it starts, you like almost everything they post, then comes the inbox "hey hows things, haven't seen you in ages", then it happens again, and again, guy starts turning the screw and then they are discussing feelings, before you know it dick head is telling her of her true worth and how she deserves more and that he would never leave her side etc etc.
I've been through what you are going through. People were telling me this and telling me that but I knew her better than they did, or so I thought. Truth is, they were spot on and she was pretty much exactly the same as every woman who had done it before her.
She didn't cheat, the dick head just unsettled her enough to make her take a leap of faith, by the time I knew where she was emotionally it was way too late and the damage was done
So on the one hand there is you who she blames for all her unhappiness and on the other hand there is the Facebook guy who "understands her" and tells her "She deserves better" and that you "don't appreciate what you have got" and if she was with him he would "treat her like a princess" etc. etc.I've been through what you are going through. People were telling me this and telling me that but I knew her better than they did, or so I thought. Truth is, they were spot on and she was pretty much exactly the same as every woman who had done it before her.
She didn't cheat, the dick head just unsettled her enough to make her take a leap of faith, by the time I knew where she was emotionally it was way too late and the damage was done
She sees your life together as boring and mundane and she thinks she deserves more. She gets a rush of excitement every time she gets a message from this guy and she thinks it will always be like this.
I appreciate your comments, but I'm still certain there isn't another man involved here. I know this woman and having looked into her eyes last night as we spoke I'd know if she was lying.
With all due respect gents you don't know her. I need to keep hold of my confidence here to see me through the darkness and I'm 100% that this really isn't the case. I have to wait to find out if I have my chance for a reprieve and that wait is going to be agonising.
So with that in mind I may have to withdraw from the thread for my own benefit and hope I did enough last night to get my chance. I will come back to update one way or another to let you all know how things turned out. The ball is firmly in her court and I can only trust her and hope I said enough for her to decide in my favour to one degree or another. Having that trust chipped away by people here, with good intentions or otherwise, isn't helping me at all.
I know there will be posts of denial and such like on the back of this and yes, unlikely as I find it there is a possibility I guess that you could be right. And if that happens I will report back as such and you can give yourself a pat on the back. But I have to remain 100% to get me through the wait.
As said no disrespect to anyone, thank you again.
With all due respect gents you don't know her. I need to keep hold of my confidence here to see me through the darkness and I'm 100% that this really isn't the case. I have to wait to find out if I have my chance for a reprieve and that wait is going to be agonising.
So with that in mind I may have to withdraw from the thread for my own benefit and hope I did enough last night to get my chance. I will come back to update one way or another to let you all know how things turned out. The ball is firmly in her court and I can only trust her and hope I said enough for her to decide in my favour to one degree or another. Having that trust chipped away by people here, with good intentions or otherwise, isn't helping me at all.
I know there will be posts of denial and such like on the back of this and yes, unlikely as I find it there is a possibility I guess that you could be right. And if that happens I will report back as such and you can give yourself a pat on the back. But I have to remain 100% to get me through the wait.
As said no disrespect to anyone, thank you again.
LikesBikes said:
I need to keep hold of my confidence here to see me through the darkness and I'm 100% that this really isn't the case.
You are in a bad situation, and your reaction to it is making it worse. It's a mistake to hang your happiness on someone else. You have allowed her to have the power to decide whether you are going to be happy or not.The 'time to think about it' response is just a way of putting off the moment when you finally realise that it is over (ideally to a time when she isn't there) and whether there is or isn't someone else involved doesn't matter.
LikesBikes said:
I appreciate your comments, but I'm still certain there isn't another man involved here. I know this woman and having looked into her eyes last night as we spoke I'd know if she was lying.
With all due respect gents you don't know her. I need to keep hold of my confidence here to see me through the darkness and I'm 100% that this really isn't the case. I have to wait to find out if I have my chance for a reprieve and that wait is going to be agonising.
So with that in mind I may have to withdraw from the thread for my own benefit and hope I did enough last night to get my chance. I will come back to update one way or another to let you all know how things turned out. The ball is firmly in her court and I can only trust her and hope I said enough for her to decide in my favour to one degree or another. Having that trust chipped away by people here, with good intentions or otherwise, isn't helping me at all.
I know there will be posts of denial and such like on the back of this and yes, unlikely as I find it there is a possibility I guess that you could be right. And if that happens I will report back as such and you can give yourself a pat on the back. But I have to remain 100% to get me through the wait.
As said no disrespect to anyone, thank you again.
Hey, I've found out about the other man, and but I've also been the other man more than once. In your case, I suspect there's a good chance that there isn't.With all due respect gents you don't know her. I need to keep hold of my confidence here to see me through the darkness and I'm 100% that this really isn't the case. I have to wait to find out if I have my chance for a reprieve and that wait is going to be agonising.
So with that in mind I may have to withdraw from the thread for my own benefit and hope I did enough last night to get my chance. I will come back to update one way or another to let you all know how things turned out. The ball is firmly in her court and I can only trust her and hope I said enough for her to decide in my favour to one degree or another. Having that trust chipped away by people here, with good intentions or otherwise, isn't helping me at all.
I know there will be posts of denial and such like on the back of this and yes, unlikely as I find it there is a possibility I guess that you could be right. And if that happens I will report back as such and you can give yourself a pat on the back. But I have to remain 100% to get me through the wait.
As said no disrespect to anyone, thank you again.
Just sayin', in many threads on here I've been sure there has and it's usually turned out correct, but I'm not so sure in yours. Hope that helps.
Best of luck!
Racing rabbit said:
Keep her talking, she'll drop her guard and spill the beans.
From your posts, you are blaming yourself - it's not your fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ThisFrom your posts, you are blaming yourself - it's not your fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtkST5-ZFHw
Racing rabbit said:
Keep her talking, she'll drop her guard and spill the beans.
From your posts, you are blaming yourself - it's not your fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think anyone who's mature enough can constructively and objectively look at a relationship and their part in it. The ups and the downs and learn more about themselves and their partner from it. From your posts, you are blaming yourself - it's not your fault!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The approach of 'this isnt my fault' isnt really going to give much room for discussion, it's a fairly high wall for anyone to scale even if they're begging to be let in. The OPs wife, doesnt really feel the need to find a ladder to start climbing, so I dont think that really helps move things along all that much. If you look at how conflicts are resolved (I mean properly resolved rather than one person just backing down and still having the problem and not being able to voice it) it's give and take and an amount of accountability
While I agree with you in some respects (I think the OP might be a bit too wrist wringing in his current state), somewhere in there is a balance of responsibility
I also think that going looking for someone else is a self fulfilling prophecy - it's not binary that someone goes from Happy Happy Happy OKNowI'mwithsomeoneelse. It's a series of events that seemingly pass some people by, either they're too subtle, or they're too busy still being fascinated by their own bumhole to notice.
Marriages, relationships, friendships need work, you get out what you put in, and if you're not putting a lot into the pot, it's hardly surprising if you're scratching around at a later date
andy-xr said:
I think anyone who's mature enough can constructively and objectively look at a relationship and their part in it. The ups and the downs and learn more about themselves and their partner from it.
The approach of 'this isnt my fault' isnt really going to give much room for discussion, it's a fairly high wall for anyone to scale even if they're begging to be let in. The OPs wife, doesnt really feel the need to find a ladder to start climbing, so I dont think that really helps move things along all that much. If you look at how conflicts are resolved (I mean properly resolved rather than one person just backing down and still having the problem and not being able to voice it) it's give and take and an amount of accountability
While I agree with you in some respects (I think the OP might be a bit too wrist wringing in his current state), somewhere in there is a balance of responsibility
I also think that going looking for someone else is a self fulfilling prophecy - it's not binary that someone goes from Happy Happy Happy OKNowI'mwithsomeoneelse. It's a series of events that seemingly pass some people by, either they're too subtle, or they're too busy still being fascinated by their own bumhole to notice.
Marriages, relationships, friendships need work, you get out what you put in, and if you're not putting a lot into the pot, it's hardly surprising if you're scratching around at a later date
Best advice I've seen on PH in a long time. The approach of 'this isnt my fault' isnt really going to give much room for discussion, it's a fairly high wall for anyone to scale even if they're begging to be let in. The OPs wife, doesnt really feel the need to find a ladder to start climbing, so I dont think that really helps move things along all that much. If you look at how conflicts are resolved (I mean properly resolved rather than one person just backing down and still having the problem and not being able to voice it) it's give and take and an amount of accountability
While I agree with you in some respects (I think the OP might be a bit too wrist wringing in his current state), somewhere in there is a balance of responsibility
I also think that going looking for someone else is a self fulfilling prophecy - it's not binary that someone goes from Happy Happy Happy OKNowI'mwithsomeoneelse. It's a series of events that seemingly pass some people by, either they're too subtle, or they're too busy still being fascinated by their own bumhole to notice.
Marriages, relationships, friendships need work, you get out what you put in, and if you're not putting a lot into the pot, it's hardly surprising if you're scratching around at a later date
RobinOakapple said:
Telling the OP that it's not his fault isn't a suggested negotiating position, it's trying to get him to become more comfortable with his new reality.
All that does to me is give some blind belief that you're in no way accountable for anything that's happened, when in reality, you probably are. On a smaller scale, it's like any girl who knocks you back must be a lesbian. There's no other explanation. When it happens in a marriage or long term relationship I guess that translates into snakes with tits, and it's completely her who's the problem, I didnt do anything wrong, not me, nope, no way.
There is a cold light of day that you have to go through to find the afternoon sunshine, it's just how it goes. Pretending like it never exists leaves you stuck somewhere around dusk, and you cant move on from it (there are many many PHers as great examples)
andy-xr said:
RobinOakapple said:
Telling the OP that it's not his fault isn't a suggested negotiating position, it's trying to get him to become more comfortable with his new reality.
All that does to me is give some blind belief that you're in no way accountable for anything that's happened, when in reality, you probably are. On a smaller scale, it's like any girl who knocks you back must be a lesbian. There's no other explanation. When it happens in a marriage or long term relationship I guess that translates into snakes with tits, and it's completely her who's the problem, I didnt do anything wrong, not me, nope, no way.
There is a cold light of day that you have to go through to find the afternoon sunshine, it's just how it goes. Pretending like it never exists leaves you stuck somewhere around dusk, and you cant move on from it (there are many many PHers as great examples)
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