Anyone post 35 and childless

[Dibble]

47 and no kids. I'm the youngest of 8, with 7 elder sisters, all of whom have kids.

I got divorced from my first wife, mainly as a result of me not wanting kids. I didn't want any when we got married but thought I'd want them a bit later on. I didn't and still don't.

I'm also divorced from my second wife. She wanted kids but couldn't have any due to having been treated for breast cancer at 34 and having an early menopause as a result. The divorce wasn't because of the kids thing and we are (presently) on fairly amicable terms.

My girlfriend is 41 and likes kids but doesn't want her own. She knows I don't want any either. So we are on the same page and after 18 months together things are going good. The only ties are our respective pets (her cats, my dog). They're easier to deal with if we want time away together. We are happy having our own houses but have keys to each orher's. We stay over when our shifts/commitments allow but we also have our own space too, which is the best of both worlds for us.

I'm too selfish to have kids. Not just financially, but I like to do what I want, when I want. I detest it when colleagues (friends know me too well by now!) bring kids into work. I have zero interest in them. I don't want to hold them or interact with them. I have friends with kids who I will happily spend time with (as part of spending time at their parents' houses) but that's because they are generally like mini versions of my friends.

[Rich_W]

creampuff said:

If you want to meet people, go online. You can get a good idea after 3 or so emails that they aren't a freak and that both of you have similar things in mind, though only meeting in person will tell you if you get on or not.

I'm (a little) bit over 35. Believe me having done a solid 3-4 months of the Apps. (Tinder/POF mainly but also Happn and Once) Price range of (28-35)

It's a colossal waste of time. I would guess I've sent maybe 100ish messages. Had maybe 18-22 text conversations, Had probably 6-7 actual phone conversations. Where the majority of the first calls have lasted over an hour and half. Which suggests we were getting on OK.

And met precisely 2 in that time. First was more mental than the second. But the second still went "strange" after the second date.

Even accounting for someone not finding me attractive or their type. And the fact your message will almost certainly get lost in the mire of 100000 messages most girls receive weekly. It seems most women are either doing it for ego, or eternally hoping for someone better than the guys they are talking to right now. Hence why the same girls are on these sites for months and even years. What? You couldn't find ONE guy to date?

Re: Children. I don't have any, and tbh I don't see that changing. I simply haven't had any relationships that have lasted long enough that children would ever enter the conversation. (Though 1 girl from Tinder hinted strongly she wanted kids in the next 2-3 years. We never even got to a first date as she cancelled last minute - better offer I guess ) And don't envisage getting in a relationship this year.

I have 2 Nephews and a Niece, so there's no indirect pressure to pop out Grandchildren.

Whilst it's never going to be my problem. I do wonder how Id ever afford Kids. I earn above national average. But after Mortgage, bills and a small social life and a hobby. I don't seem to have much left over. Let alone enough for kids and their needs. Plus I'm out the home from 630-1800 each day. So would I ever see them awake? Plus should I ever split from their mother. I can kiss goodbye to everything I own.

Not sure I like those odds....

[Beefmeister]

Rich_W said:

I'm (a little) bit over 35. Believe me having done a solid 3-4 months of the Apps. (Tinder/POF mainly but also Happn and Once) Price range of (28-35)

It's a colossal waste of time. I would guess I've sent maybe 100ish messages. Had maybe 18-22 text conversations, Had probably 6-7 actual phone conversations. Where the majority of the first calls have lasted over an hour and half. Which suggests we were getting on OK.

And met precisely 2 in that time. First was more mental than the second. But the second still went "strange" after the second date.

You need to go on a DATING SITE like Match.com. POF/tinder are for 'hooking up' to put it politely.

I met my ex on Match, we were together 4yrs then just parted ways amicably as we knew we wanted different things. Then I met my current wife on Match. There's a big difference in the type of women that go on those Apps and those that go on dating websites.

[andy-xr]

Rich_W said:

Whilst it's never going to be my problem. I do wonder how Id ever afford Kids. I earn above national average. But after Mortgage, bills and a small social life and a hobby. I don't seem to have much left over. Let alone enough for kids and their needs. Plus I'm out the home from 630-1800 each day. So would I ever see them awake? Plus should I ever split from their mother. I can kiss goodbye to everything I own.

Not sure I like those odds....

THe thing is, some people, possibly you, go out of their way to put barriers up so that they can confirm to themselves they've done the thing they think is right, and it's so biased towards that, that nothing else really gets a look in

'Oooh, I couldnt possibly have kids, got to go to work you see. Work 52 hours I day I do. No time for all that kids malarkey'

'Oooh, kids? Cant afford any of them. I only get 3 pence left over at the end of the month. Cant buy nappies with three pence can you?'

Nothing mentioned about how you might scrimp, save, compromise, work together and find a way to make things happen.

I get it with people who say 'dont want kids, never will, not for me' and it's probably something they'd bring up rather than me. But those who think they might like kids but look for, and tell people reasons why they cant (but could if they changed a few things), the argument doesnt stack up for me. If you want them, there's no 'shame' in that if you cant find the right person.

I do agree with the online dating thing, in so much as been there and tried it, mostly met people I wasnt suited for or to. But we tried. I met my wife through work, and I maintain that for me, social circle or actual face to face initial contact is the best way to meet new people. For others, maybe same, maybe different. I did have to re-evaluate my ladder score a few times though if I'm honest, I'm not a solid 7.5 and it took me 6 months to figure that out.

Edited by andy-xr on Thursday 22 September 09:10

[K50 DEL]

Turning 40 next year... would love kids but have never found anyone with whom I'd want to make that commitment.

Basically I'd rather not have children than have them with someone who (a few years later) decides the relationship is over and now I'm a part-time Dad (if I'm lucky)

[Chris7865677]

K50 DEL said:

Turning 40 next year... would love kids but have never found anyone with whom I'd want to make that commitment.

Basically I'd rather not have children than have them with someone who (a few years later) decides the relationship is over and now I'm a part-time Dad (if I'm lucky)

Completely agree 100%.This is why I am 46 and childless. Although I never intended to have a life without children. Seems to be so hard to find decent partner nowadays.

[Tony Starks]

PurpleTurtle said:

It's not for everyone, I appreciate, and I've never been so massively tired, but our boy is just starting to sleep 7pm to 7am so that is easing the tiredness problem. Life is certainly different, and I've had to cut back on a few things, but it is also positively improved in many other ways.

They can revert back to new born sleep patterns at about 2

just as ryou think you're getting somewhere they throw a curve ball lol.

TBH, if I could do it again I wouldn't, the untidyness is something I've really struggled with. Have things in their place is a big need for me and children really don't care My son shows signs of this, so as long as I guide him properly all of my tools will be put back where they came from. His twin sister though, my god shes messy lol and then gets upset cause she cant find anything.

[TheJimi]

andy-xr said:

Nothing mentioned about how you might scrimp, save, compromise, work together and find a way to make things happen.

Does it not occur to you that is maybe because folk don't *want* to be in a situation where they have to scrimp, save and compromise?

[andy-xr]

TheJimi said:

andy-xr said:

Nothing mentioned about how you might scrimp, save, compromise, work together and find a way to make things happen.

Does it not occur to you that is maybe because folk don't *want* to be in a situation where they have to scrimp, save and compromise?

Sure. That's covered in this bit

I get it with people who say 'dont want kids, never will, not for me' and it's probably something they'd bring up rather than me.


I'm talking about this bit:

But those who think they might like kids but look for, and tell people reasons why they cant (but could if they changed a few things), the argument doesnt stack up for me.

[TheJimi]

Your post isn't very clear tbh, although I get your overall point.

I've genuinely never met anyone who wants kids but puts up artificial barriers, as you suggest.

[OwenK]

TheJimi said:

Your post isn't very clear tbh, although I get your overall point.

I've genuinely never met anyone who wants kids but puts up artificial barriers, as you suggest.

Agreed, those things tend to be "excuses" as to why it's out of their hands - whether that be just for public appearances sake, or because they have convinced themselves they can't even though really the reason is that they don't actually want them but feel they are wrong to feel that way.

[V12biTurbo]

Not keen on the idea of kids. I genuinely think I'm too selfish.

[Composite Guru]

V12biTurbo said:

Not keen on the idea of kids. I genuinely think I'm too selfish.

This tends to be the main reason why people don't have kids. It will stop them doing all the things "they" want to do.

I'm 42 and have a 7 yr old. He was 4 when I split up from my ex. I have met another girl, been seeing her for 3 years now, settled our lives down together and now looking to have another. She is 36 and her ex boyfriend never wanted kids so she wasted her younger life without realizing it.
I never intended having anymore kids because of my age but hey what the hell. At least my son will have a little brother or sister next year, he's always asking why he cant have one.

[otolith]

andy-xr said:

I get it with people who say 'dont want kids, never will, not for me' and it's probably something they'd bring up rather than me. But those who think they might like kids but look for, and tell people reasons why they cant (but could if they changed a few things), the argument doesnt stack up for me. If you want them, there's no 'shame' in that if you cant find the right person.

I think it may often be the other way round - that people give a list of weak reasons why they can't because they don't want to be buttonholed into explaining that they simply don't want to. "Oh, why not, you'd make a great dad..."

[TheJimi]

Composite Guru said:

V12biTurbo said:

Not keen on the idea of kids. I genuinely think I'm too selfish.

This tends to be the main reason why people don't have kids. It will stop them doing all the things "they" want to do.

My reasons for not wanting them are legion, the above is one of those reasons.

I have zero desire to arrange my life around a kid. What's wrong with that?

[Composite Guru]

TheJimi said:

Composite Guru said:

V12biTurbo said:

Not keen on the idea of kids. I genuinely think I'm too selfish.

This tends to be the main reason why people don't have kids. It will stop them doing all the things "they" want to do.

My reasons for not wanting them are legion, the above is one of those reasons.

I have zero desire to arrange my life around a kid. What's wrong with that?

No nothing at all. I just don't like the idea of getting to old age and having no family around you.
My dads sister was what made me change my mind.

My uncle didn't want kids, she died 10 years ago (accident) (70y), my uncle was left on his own (72y) and had no one other than my mum and dad to take care of his business once he was too old and in a home. They could of just let him rot in a home but they didn't want to see him go through that so moved him down to where they lived. He had no other siblings left alive so he would of been on his own if my mum and dad weren't around.

Just a bit sad really.

[DS197]

With these feet said:

Met the missus 14 or so years ago, both of us divorcees with no kids. Both owned houses so sold and bought together. No intentions of having kids, in fact my missus never showed any interest or got broody around babies.We enjoyed nights out and doing what we liked when we liked. I was around 38 when she announced she was expecting, she is 4 years younger. After the initial shock I came round to the idea of being a dad and when the big day came everything changed.
Im not going to wax lyrical about kids, due to medical reasons my wife could only have 1 child and thats it. It can be hard and I do miss not being able to go out when or where we like and the fact that the FiL is a cock and so we have little babysitting help.
However it does allow me to fulfil those childish wishes, buying things you wish youd had as a kid for them. etc etc.

Im sure if he had not happened we would still be fine, but so many decisions are made around the family - ie we moved house last year for a better school next year - that its difficult to imagine not having kids.

Each to their own, I have aunts and uncles that have no kids and are blissfully happy.

As for the 40+ at school gates, where we are in a village environment, there are very few under 25's with kids - Im 48 and in no way the oldest dad at the gates!

FiL is a cock because he doesn't want to look after the child you decided to have?

[anonymous-user]

otolith said:

I think it may often be the other way round - that people give a list of weak reasons why they can't because they don't want to be buttonholed into explaining that they simply don't want to. "Oh, why not, you'd make a great dad..."

But there are loads of people (myself included) who said the same, then through chance are now parents and have the totally opposite view. Each to their own, and as much of a sacrifice as it can be, I wouldn't know what to do without children.

[Mr Snrub]

Spent the last 24 hours with my sister, who has three boys who will be four in December. Highlights include:

- finding how one likes to bite, one likes to headbutt and the other likes to wee on the floor to get a reaction
- pick one up for a cuddle, the other two want it as well. I can carry two but that's not good enough.
- once one starts playing another will usually come straight over and steal/smash the toys
- getting woken up at 5:30am
- all have moves that would make the WWE proud. I took several groin shots and my windpipe is still a bit sore after one of them kneed me trying to climb up for a piggyback
- at least one in tears for a lot of the time. Biggest temper tantrum came when one was informed I wouldn't be putting his pants on for him (yeah, not my job mate)
- one took a dump in the bath. Although it is rather hard to maintain the stern adult face when he walks in beaming and proclaims "uncle I just did a log in the bath"



Maybe it's not so bad after all. Although in comparison having just one to look after would be easy.

[otolith]

yonex said:

otolith said:

I think it may often be the other way round - that people give a list of weak reasons why they can't because they don't want to be buttonholed into explaining that they simply don't want to. "Oh, why not, you'd make a great dad..."

But there are loads of people (myself included) who said the same, then through chance are now parents and have the totally opposite view. Each to their own, and as much of a sacrifice as it can be, I wouldn't know what to do without children.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If you've made the irreversible, life changing decision to have kids (or had it happen to you anyway) you'd be an idiot not to embrace it and make that your life. It's still pretty rude to pursue the line of questioning when someone has said "I just don't want them", and it's understandable that people find excuses for why they don't in order to avoid that rudeness.