Anyone post 35 and childless
Discussion
otolith said:
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If you've made the irreversible, life changing decision to have kids (or had it happen to you anyway) you'd be an idiot not to embrace it and make that your life. It's still pretty rude to pursue the line of questioning when someone has said "I just don't want them", and it's understandable that people find excuses for why they don't in order to avoid that rudeness.
That's not really what I meant, looking back I wish we'd done it sooner. I guess if it bothers people that much then they wouldn't choose to debate the subject with total strangers on the internet? yonex said:
That's not really what I meant, looking back I wish we'd done it sooner. I guess if it bothers people that much then they wouldn't choose to debate the subject with total strangers on the internet?
And I'm glad I never did. I'm glad you are as happy with your choices as I am with mine.Discussing it on a forum is one thing - having people think they are entitled to question your lifestyle choices is another.
"Do you have any kids?"
"Yeah, two boys."
"Why? You'd be much happier without. I love not having kids, it's the best choice I ever made."
That would go down well, wouldn't it?
Never even thought about it until I hit late thirties (Mrs Fang is 5 years younger), having been married for 7/8 years. We were surprised to learn it was barely possible for me & started down the IVF route. Stopped that fairly promptly when we realised why we hadn't thought about it before...it just wasn't important to us & IVF just didn't appeal. We were only doing it because "time might be running out...". The subject of adoption was never raised. 20 years later, it's never been an issue & I don't expect it to ever be. Out of half a dozen couples we'd consider our closest friends, two don't have children either: one for fertility reasons, one through personal choice. Otherwise we've no issues with children - our godchildren, nieces & nephews are great company & it's been fantastic to watch them grow up.
If there is some overwhelming biological urge to propagate the species, then I must be missing a gene somewhere...fortunately so's my wife.
If there is some overwhelming biological urge to propagate the species, then I must be missing a gene somewhere...fortunately so's my wife.
otolith said:
And I'm glad I never did. I'm glad you are as happy with your choices as I am with mine.
Discussing it on a forum is one thing - having people think they are entitled to question your lifestyle choices is another.
"Do you have any kids?"
"Yeah, two boys."
"Why? You'd be much happier without. I love not having kids, it's the best choice I ever made."
That would go down well, wouldn't it?
You have a point. Personally though, it wouldn't bother me. I would tear that to shreds Discussing it on a forum is one thing - having people think they are entitled to question your lifestyle choices is another.
"Do you have any kids?"
"Yeah, two boys."
"Why? You'd be much happier without. I love not having kids, it's the best choice I ever made."
That would go down well, wouldn't it?
otolith said:
And I'm glad I never did. I'm glad you are as happy with your choices as I am with mine.
Discussing it on a forum is one thing - having people think they are entitled to question your lifestyle choices is another.
"Do you have any kids?"
"Yeah, two boys."
"Why? You'd be much happier without. I love not having kids, it's the best choice I ever made."
That would go down well, wouldn't it?
I've never wanted kids, and it's caused issues with some relationships in the past - I will be entering the dating thing again soon, but fortunately I figure I've now reached the age where potential dates already have them or their clock is no longer keeping time.Discussing it on a forum is one thing - having people think they are entitled to question your lifestyle choices is another.
"Do you have any kids?"
"Yeah, two boys."
"Why? You'd be much happier without. I love not having kids, it's the best choice I ever made."
That would go down well, wouldn't it?
But it is funny how - at least when I was younger - if you don't want kids, most women think you will change your mind. Yet the idea that they might change their mind about wanting kids is ridiculous.
Whilst I don't doubt that (usually) once you have them you realise what you've missed / wouldn't change it for the world / wish you'd done it years ago etc etc - the problem is, it's not something where you can take them back for a refund if you don't like it.
And frankly, if I bought a McLaren I'd probably realise what I'd been missing and wish I'd done it years ago. Given the choice, I'd rather do that.
otolith said:
And I'm glad I never did. I'm glad you are as happy with your choices as I am with mine.
Discussing it on a forum is one thing - having people think they are entitled to question your lifestyle choices is another.
"Do you have any kids?"
"Yeah, two boys."
"Why? You'd be much happier without. I love not having kids, it's the best choice I ever made."
That would go down well, wouldn't it?
^^^^^^^ So true.Discussing it on a forum is one thing - having people think they are entitled to question your lifestyle choices is another.
"Do you have any kids?"
"Yeah, two boys."
"Why? You'd be much happier without. I love not having kids, it's the best choice I ever made."
That would go down well, wouldn't it?
I have no idea why friends (who have kids, natch) seem totally fine to constantly drop the "have a baby", "when are you having kids?" lines at me and my gf. I find it incredibly personal and quite rude. Im always so tempted to say " I cant have kids" and then start crying.
Id LOVE a dog on the other hand. When I told a friend this, and why it was not possible due to me and gf both being at work, she said "have a baby then she'll be at home!!!! "
I replied with: "Well, apart from the fact we live in a one bedroom flat, couldn’t live off my salary and don’t want children, that’s a perfect idea!!!"
To which she said "people live in mud huts and have children, no money and even those that don't want them change their mind!!! never say never"
I just dont get it.
Claret Badger said:
^^^^^^^ So true.
I have no idea why friends (who have kids, natch) seem totally fine to constantly drop the "have a baby", "when are you having kids?" lines at me and my gf. I find it incredibly personal and quite rude. Im always so tempted to say " I cant have kids" and then start crying.
I once sort of did this. Friend of a friend was quizzing the wife as to why she didn't have kids. She was being arsey about it.I have no idea why friends (who have kids, natch) seem totally fine to constantly drop the "have a baby", "when are you having kids?" lines at me and my gf. I find it incredibly personal and quite rude. Im always so tempted to say " I cant have kids" and then start crying.
I told her we had been trying for years and had been unsuccessful and the wife was quite cut up about. Deadly uncomfortable silence round the table!
Let the nosey t
t stew on information an hour before letting her know it was bullst.Claret Badger said:
I have no idea why friends (who have kids, natch) seem totally fine to constantly drop the "have a baby", "when are you having kids?" lines at me and my gf. I find it incredibly personal and quite rude. Im always so tempted to say " I cant have kids" and then start crying.
Feckin brilliant. I wish I'd gone for that back in the day when people banged on about "starting a family". Thankfully that's all over now.If you'd asked me last year the answer would be yes. I don't kids as a general rule and feared I was far too selfish to have kids. But now I would not be without my little boy, every day he makes me smile and laugh. As others have said (and as many told me too) your own is totally different and you love them beyond words.
otolith said:
And I'm glad I never did. I'm glad you are as happy with your choices as I am with mine.
Discussing it on a forum is one thing - having people think they are entitled to question your lifestyle choices is another.
"Do you have any kids?"
"Yeah, two boys."
"Why? You'd be much happier without. I love not having kids, it's the best choice I ever made."
That would go down well, wouldn't it?
I had great fun with a friend of mine who is Mr Rational, who became a father.Discussing it on a forum is one thing - having people think they are entitled to question your lifestyle choices is another.
"Do you have any kids?"
"Yeah, two boys."
"Why? You'd be much happier without. I love not having kids, it's the best choice I ever made."
That would go down well, wouldn't it?
I spent a happy evening torturing him to explain - rationally rather than emotionally - why he'd decided to become a father. He couldn't do it because it is - obviously - an emotional, irrational choice, and yet an awful lot of people try and make out it is something that they have sat down, weighed up and decided upon.
otolith said:
And I'm glad I never did. I'm glad you are as happy with your choices as I am with mine.
Discussing it on a forum is one thing - having people think they are entitled to question your lifestyle choices is another.
"Do you have any kids?"
"Yeah, two boys."
"Why? You'd be much happier without. I love not having kids, it's the best choice I ever made."
That would go down well, wouldn't it?
The QI analogy by Sara Pascoe sums it up wellDiscussing it on a forum is one thing - having people think they are entitled to question your lifestyle choices is another.
"Do you have any kids?"
"Yeah, two boys."
"Why? You'd be much happier without. I love not having kids, it's the best choice I ever made."
That would go down well, wouldn't it?
https://youtu.be/Vudci6OxDXg?t=144
Johnnytheboy said:
I had great fun with a friend of mine who is Mr Rational, who became a father.
I spent a happy evening torturing him to explain - rationally rather than emotionally - why he'd decided to become a father. He couldn't do it because it is - obviously - an emotional, irrational choice, and yet an awful lot of people try and make out it is something that they have sat down, weighed up and decided upon.
The bizarre thing is it's people without children that are the most militant. The best thing is it is irrational, but brings certain rewards that, when you explain them, are met with all sorts of derision.I spent a happy evening torturing him to explain - rationally rather than emotionally - why he'd decided to become a father. He couldn't do it because it is - obviously - an emotional, irrational choice, and yet an awful lot of people try and make out it is something that they have sat down, weighed up and decided upon.
yonex said:
Johnnytheboy said:
I had great fun with a friend of mine who is Mr Rational, who became a father.
I spent a happy evening torturing him to explain - rationally rather than emotionally - why he'd decided to become a father. He couldn't do it because it is - obviously - an emotional, irrational choice, and yet an awful lot of people try and make out it is something that they have sat down, weighed up and decided upon.
The bizarre thing is it's people without children that are the most militant. The best thing is it is irrational, but brings certain rewards that, when you explain them, are met with all sorts of derision.I spent a happy evening torturing him to explain - rationally rather than emotionally - why he'd decided to become a father. He couldn't do it because it is - obviously - an emotional, irrational choice, and yet an awful lot of people try and make out it is something that they have sat down, weighed up and decided upon.
FGB said:
That's usually because it's explained in a condescending or know it all tone. And almost always with a "we know best cos we are parents" smug look on the faces
Well, that's your take on it. Nothing about folks without kids 'knowing what's best' Talk about double standards. Another benefit with it is you have to deal with kids, therefore it's easy to find the traits in adults. Offered in a completely non condescending and decidedly non, know it all tone.
yonex said:
FGB said:
That's usually because it's explained in a condescending or know it all tone. And almost always with a "we know best cos we are parents" smug look on the faces
Well, that's your take on it. Nothing about folks without kids 'knowing what's best' Talk about double standards. Another benefit with it is you have to deal with kids, therefore it's easy to find the traits in adults. Offered in a completely non condescending and decidedly non, know it all tone.
.Even if it appears to be true
andy-xr said:
THe thing is, some people, possibly you, go out of their way to put barriers up so that they can confirm to themselves they've done the thing they think is right, and it's so biased towards that, that nothing else really gets a look in
'Oooh, I couldnt possibly have kids, got to go to work you see. Work 52 hours I day I do. No time for all that kids malarkey'
'Oooh, kids? Cant afford any of them. I only get 3 pence left over at the end of the month. Cant buy nappies with three pence can you?'
Nothing mentioned about how you might scrimp, save, compromise, work together and find a way to make things happen.
I get it with people who say 'dont want kids, never will, not for me' and it's probably something they'd bring up rather than me. But those who think they might like kids but look for, and tell people reasons why they cant (but could if they changed a few things), the argument doesnt stack up for me. If you want them, there's no 'shame' in that if you cant find the right person.
I do agree with the online dating thing, in so much as been there and tried it, mostly met people I wasnt suited for or to. But we tried. I met my wife through work, and I maintain that for me, social circle or actual face to face initial contact is the best way to meet new people. For others, maybe same, maybe different. I did have to re-evaluate my ladder score a few times though if I'm honest, I'm not a solid 7.5 and it took me 6 months to figure that out.
I understand that POV. But the other thing is that I, by default, am a "Worrier" (definitely got that from my Dad) Now I don't believe like the media that there's a predatory rapist or paedophile on every corner.'Oooh, I couldnt possibly have kids, got to go to work you see. Work 52 hours I day I do. No time for all that kids malarkey'
'Oooh, kids? Cant afford any of them. I only get 3 pence left over at the end of the month. Cant buy nappies with three pence can you?'
Nothing mentioned about how you might scrimp, save, compromise, work together and find a way to make things happen.
I get it with people who say 'dont want kids, never will, not for me' and it's probably something they'd bring up rather than me. But those who think they might like kids but look for, and tell people reasons why they cant (but could if they changed a few things), the argument doesnt stack up for me. If you want them, there's no 'shame' in that if you cant find the right person.
I do agree with the online dating thing, in so much as been there and tried it, mostly met people I wasnt suited for or to. But we tried. I met my wife through work, and I maintain that for me, social circle or actual face to face initial contact is the best way to meet new people. For others, maybe same, maybe different. I did have to re-evaluate my ladder score a few times though if I'm honest, I'm not a solid 7.5 and it took me 6 months to figure that out.
But the world is a fairly s
t place 
Even if you manage to avoid the home grown local dheads out there. Ignore the wars and terrorism. The financial will kick your/our kids in the privates later in life. Look at house prices, look at overcrowding. Look at the job marketI look back at my childhood/teenage years. Staying out late on school nights. Driving way too fast in my first car. Getting into occasional trouble. How my parents didn't have a break down (I gather my Dad would pace up and down the living room to the annoyance of my Mum) I'd follow in their footsteps. Constantly worrying about things and blowing up the possibilities in my mind.
Phrase I heard years back. Girls attract trouble. Boys go looking for it!
I guess aside from not having the requisite partner for kids. I'm probably driven a little by my Ego that I wont actually be any good at being a parent.
Slightly Off Topic. Millionaire car bloke James May doesn't have kids does he. Has he ever spoken about it? TBH I don't even know if he has a partner.
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