Am I an ungrateful child?
Discussion
Trabi601 said:
You sound incredibly selfish. All about you and what you want to do.
I have one really big regret hanging over me - I generally spoke to my mum once or twice a week (we lived 240 miles apart) - but a few years ago I left it a little longer between calls - maybe 2 weeks. Then I called and called every day for 5 days, before getting a call from a police officer to tell me she'd been found dead in the summerhouse in her garden. She'd hanged herself. There's rarely a week goes by that I don't kick myself for breaking from my usual calling schedule. It may not have made any difference, as it seems she'd taken the decision to end things - but it leaves an unanswered question in my life.
In summary - speak to her, because when she's gone you'll wish you'd spoken more.
I am sorry for your loss and the circumstances around it. I don't feel like a selfish person and am willing to share and talk to anyone. The problem is my mum isn't interested in anything we are doing. They came to visit us in France and didn't even walk across the driveway to see what we were building and expected us to wait on her while she sat around. When the in-laws are here (same age group) they help out, play with their granddaughter and love seeing our progress.I have one really big regret hanging over me - I generally spoke to my mum once or twice a week (we lived 240 miles apart) - but a few years ago I left it a little longer between calls - maybe 2 weeks. Then I called and called every day for 5 days, before getting a call from a police officer to tell me she'd been found dead in the summerhouse in her garden. She'd hanged herself. There's rarely a week goes by that I don't kick myself for breaking from my usual calling schedule. It may not have made any difference, as it seems she'd taken the decision to end things - but it leaves an unanswered question in my life.
In summary - speak to her, because when she's gone you'll wish you'd spoken more.
Neilsfirst said:
I am sorry for your loss and the circumstances around it. I don't feel like a selfish person and am willing to share and talk to anyone. The problem is my mum isn't interested in anything we are doing. They came to visit us in France and didn't even walk across the driveway to see what we were building and expected us to wait on her while she sat around. When the in-laws are here (same age group) they help out, play with their granddaughter and love seeing our progress.
It's back to you, though - your mum may not be interested, she may want waiting on (and she'd have done enough of that for you when you were young!) - but she's your mum and deserves a bit more respect and time from you.Every Christmas after my dad passed away, I invited my mum down for a week or so. Most years she took me up on the offer - I bought her train ticket, made sure she was OK to get to and from the station and home and picked her up down here. For that week, it was all about her - I listened to her moan about her health, her neighbours, the new manager at the health club she popped to a couple of times a week for a swim. I accepted she wouldn't be interested in a lot of things I was interested in - but she was my guest, she was my mum, so she was waited upon hand and foot for that week - she didn't need to do anything for herself.
Set aside what you want and, for an hour each week, sit and listen to what your mum has to say - no matter how much it may annoy you - and when she does visit, treat her like royalty.
Fell out with my Mother big time in 1979 after a number of years of arguments. She was always falling out with some other member of the family. I never saw my Gran from the age of about 8 until I was in my 20's as my Mother forbid it.
Never spoke again until about 2007 when we took our two year old son to see her, didn't want him to go through what I did.
She still didn't acknowledge that the problem was hers. She died in 2010 I think.
Regret not seeing Dad more, he was a clever Engineer, more so than I ever realised.
Do I miss her, no.
Never spoke again until about 2007 when we took our two year old son to see her, didn't want him to go through what I did.
She still didn't acknowledge that the problem was hers. She died in 2010 I think.
Regret not seeing Dad more, he was a clever Engineer, more so than I ever realised.
Do I miss her, no.
I have a mixed relationship with my father.
Complains his kids don't call round to see him enough but makes zero effort himself. He's a taxi driver, I work from home, he probably passes my house numerous times but never calls in for a brew.
Instead he expects us to wait till he finishes at 6pm and then go round to his to entertain him. We have a 2yr old who has a routine so dragging him out after 6pm and upsetting his routine is problematic. I've explained this but it falls on deaf ears.
He also drinks a bit and gets nasty which is when he usually calls to complain.
Complains his kids don't call round to see him enough but makes zero effort himself. He's a taxi driver, I work from home, he probably passes my house numerous times but never calls in for a brew.
Instead he expects us to wait till he finishes at 6pm and then go round to his to entertain him. We have a 2yr old who has a routine so dragging him out after 6pm and upsetting his routine is problematic. I've explained this but it falls on deaf ears.
He also drinks a bit and gets nasty which is when he usually calls to complain.
My mother's also a selfish and difficult.
When she turned 75 she told my brother he would have to live with her (he never married) as we had told her we wouldn't have her live with us (no such conversation ever took place).
My brother agreed if she would buy them a very large house and leave him all her money.
You can't choose your family unfortunately.
Neilsfirst said:
I am sorry for your loss and the circumstances around it. I don't feel like a selfish person and am willing to share and talk to anyone. The problem is my mum isn't interested in anything we are doing. They came to visit us in France and didn't even walk across the driveway to see what we were building and expected us to wait on her while she sat around. When the in-laws are here (same age group) they help out, play with their granddaughter and love seeing our progress.
Yes, you're being selfish. She's not going to be there for ever and don't tell me that you've been working so hard for the whole of the last month that at no time could you pick up the phone and drink a cup of coffee or something stronger while you half listened to her. My mother is a Pita at times too but you only get one. Now man up and pick up the phone for 20 minutes once a week and stop being an ungrateful b
d.desolate said:
Trabi601 said:
In summary - speak to her, because when she's gone you'll wish you'd spoken more.
Yours is a terribly sad story but there is no way you can say that.Some people are just not worth further effort. And that includes some mums.
He's right - unless she abandoned you of course
I talked to my Mum every week and still regret it wasn't more!
The OP reads like a selfish idiot, why should she consult FB to find out what they are doing?
I feel for you OP. Similar situation to me, only she lives abroad. Never really got along with her, she's never really got along with me. She has made it clear in the past. Often go months without exchanging emails.
Would she take a bullet for me? No, I'm convinced she wouldn't.
Would I miss her, unfortunately not. She's shown no interest in my life or my wife and daughters. She herself is not a huge family person, maybe that's her upbringing. She only ever complains that either I'm not rich enough, I'm not doing the job she wanted me too, that she wishes her mother would "hurry up and die". Generally a negative person and I don't want to be around that, nor do I want that around my family.
It's fairly sad, but that's life. Sometimes families just aren't meant to get along. We don't, -and you sound the same. That's life. Just keep contact to a minimum and ignore her when she whines on. Works for me.
My wife's relationship with her mother however, superb, very envious and that's how it should be IMO. But we aren't all that lucky. I get along with MIL so well. She is my surrogate mother.
Would she take a bullet for me? No, I'm convinced she wouldn't.
Would I miss her, unfortunately not. She's shown no interest in my life or my wife and daughters. She herself is not a huge family person, maybe that's her upbringing. She only ever complains that either I'm not rich enough, I'm not doing the job she wanted me too, that she wishes her mother would "hurry up and die". Generally a negative person and I don't want to be around that, nor do I want that around my family.
It's fairly sad, but that's life. Sometimes families just aren't meant to get along. We don't, -and you sound the same. That's life. Just keep contact to a minimum and ignore her when she whines on. Works for me.
My wife's relationship with her mother however, superb, very envious and that's how it should be IMO. But we aren't all that lucky. I get along with MIL so well. She is my surrogate mother.
ali_kat said:
I disagree
He's right - unless she abandoned you of course
I talked to my Mum every week and still regret it wasn't more!
The OP reads like a selfish idiot, why should she consult FB to find out what they are doing?
You disagree with what?He's right - unless she abandoned you of course
I talked to my Mum every week and still regret it wasn't more!
The OP reads like a selfish idiot, why should she consult FB to find out what they are doing?
I talk to my mum most days as well, but that doesn't mean some mums aren't worth the effort.
joestifff said:
I feel for you OP. Similar situation to me, only she lives abroad. Never really got along with her, she's never really got along with me. She has made it clear in the past. Often go months without exchanging emails.
Would she take a bullet for me? No, I'm convinced she wouldn't.
Would I miss her, unfortunately not. She's shown no interest in my life or my wife and daughters. She herself is not a huge family person, maybe that's her upbringing. She only ever complains that either I'm not rich enough, I'm not doing the job she wanted me too, that she wishes her mother would "hurry up and die". Generally a negative person and I don't want to be around that, nor do I want that around my family.
It's fairly sad, but that's life. Sometimes families just aren't meant to get along. We don't, -and you sound the same. That's life. Just keep contact to a minimum and ignore her when she whines on. Works for me.
My wife's relationship with her mother however, superb, very envious and that's how it should be IMO. But we aren't all that lucky. I get along with MIL so well. She is my surrogate mother.
Your situation is very similar to mine. My MIL is great and would really like to be able to have the same but like you it is not a role model for my daughter to have and is a very toxic way to live.Would she take a bullet for me? No, I'm convinced she wouldn't.
Would I miss her, unfortunately not. She's shown no interest in my life or my wife and daughters. She herself is not a huge family person, maybe that's her upbringing. She only ever complains that either I'm not rich enough, I'm not doing the job she wanted me too, that she wishes her mother would "hurry up and die". Generally a negative person and I don't want to be around that, nor do I want that around my family.
It's fairly sad, but that's life. Sometimes families just aren't meant to get along. We don't, -and you sound the same. That's life. Just keep contact to a minimum and ignore her when she whines on. Works for me.
My wife's relationship with her mother however, superb, very envious and that's how it should be IMO. But we aren't all that lucky. I get along with MIL so well. She is my surrogate mother.
ali_kat said:
I disagree
He's right - unless she abandoned you of course
I talked to my Mum every week and still regret it wasn't more!
The OP reads like a selfish idiot, why should she consult FB to find out what they are doing?
Didn't abandon me at all but also was very isolated from the rest of the family. I have cousins that I have never had a relationship with, along with aunts and uncles. He's right - unless she abandoned you of course
I talked to my Mum every week and still regret it wasn't more!
The OP reads like a selfish idiot, why should she consult FB to find out what they are doing?
Call me a selfish idiot and I will disagree with that. She shouldn't consult FB to see what we are doing, she could try engaging in conversation instead of just talking at me. I've tried to engage her without success.
Neilsfirst said:
joestifff said:
I feel for you OP. Similar situation to me, only she lives abroad. Never really got along with her, she's never really got along with me. She has made it clear in the past. Often go months without exchanging emails.
Would she take a bullet for me? No, I'm convinced she wouldn't.
Would I miss her, unfortunately not. She's shown no interest in my life or my wife and daughters. She herself is not a huge family person, maybe that's her upbringing. She only ever complains that either I'm not rich enough, I'm not doing the job she wanted me too, that she wishes her mother would "hurry up and die". Generally a negative person and I don't want to be around that, nor do I want that around my family.
It's fairly sad, but that's life. Sometimes families just aren't meant to get along. We don't, -and you sound the same. That's life. Just keep contact to a minimum and ignore her when she whines on. Works for me.
My wife's relationship with her mother however, superb, very envious and that's how it should be IMO. But we aren't all that lucky. I get along with MIL so well. She is my surrogate mother.
Your situation is very similar to mine. My MIL is great and would really like to be able to have the same but like you it is not a role model for my daughter to have and is a very toxic way to live.Would she take a bullet for me? No, I'm convinced she wouldn't.
Would I miss her, unfortunately not. She's shown no interest in my life or my wife and daughters. She herself is not a huge family person, maybe that's her upbringing. She only ever complains that either I'm not rich enough, I'm not doing the job she wanted me too, that she wishes her mother would "hurry up and die". Generally a negative person and I don't want to be around that, nor do I want that around my family.
It's fairly sad, but that's life. Sometimes families just aren't meant to get along. We don't, -and you sound the same. That's life. Just keep contact to a minimum and ignore her when she whines on. Works for me.
My wife's relationship with her mother however, superb, very envious and that's how it should be IMO. But we aren't all that lucky. I get along with MIL so well. She is my surrogate mother.
Saying all that, I have a better relationship with her than my younger brother. They really dislike each other. I can tolerate in small doses.
And for all you lot saying how much you'd miss your mum. We are very envious ... this isn't the way we want it to be. And I'm sure we've both tried (I know I have, multiple times)
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