Am I an ungrateful child?
Discussion
Neilsfirst said:
... and I haven't called her for a month.
We go and see my mum about once a month. She only wants to hear about 'glamorous' / materialistic things we've done that she can to boast to friends about - but as little like that happens to us she gives the impression that she couldn't care less.
Her sister's kids have abandoned her and moved to far-flung places but mum sees that as exciting and delights in telling us about their adventures. Yet my brother moved 50 miles away and she's devastated about it.
Sheepshanks said:
We go and see my mum about once a month.
She only wants to hear about 'glamorous' / materialistic things we've done that she can to boast to friends about - but as little like that happens to us she gives the impression that she couldn't care less.
Her sister's kids have abandoned her and moved to far-flung places but mum sees that as exciting and delights in telling us about their adventures. Yet my brother moved 50 miles away and she's devastated about it.
Do you go because you want to or is it out of a sense of duty?She only wants to hear about 'glamorous' / materialistic things we've done that she can to boast to friends about - but as little like that happens to us she gives the impression that she couldn't care less.
Her sister's kids have abandoned her and moved to far-flung places but mum sees that as exciting and delights in telling us about their adventures. Yet my brother moved 50 miles away and she's devastated about it.
We visit my parents when we are back in England. I would love to spend more time with my dad but he has been ground down by mum and is a shadow of his former self.
HustleRussell said:
Trabi601- my condolences, what a horrid ordeal to go through.
Christ Trabi601, what a horrendous thing to happen!! My sincere sympathies! Just can't imagine what that could do to you even if she was determined! My Mum started having strokes in her late 40's. First one left her lying in the garden all day, thankfully during summer, dry, and in the shade. Found by the neighbour, Mrs Hally, never forget or stop being grateful to her even though she's gone now. Numerous strokes since!! Mum, not Mrs Hally.
My stepdad abandoned my Mum a few years later for another woman and tried to screw Mum over by 'giving her £5K and saying "That's your lot!" Took me 3-4 years to get the b*stard into court where he then agreed to split 50/50. Thankfully Mum was entitled to Legal Aid
Two years later, the b*stard turned up at Mums, forced her to sign something 'Not Important'. Turned out it was another savings account She'd forgotten about and he got himself another £10K! By the time I found out, it was too late!Mum had carers morning and night but would insist on going out daily on her buggy and often get stuck or lost so I became the extra carer even though I worked in London a fair bit at the time, so would often get calls from carers asking if I knew where she was! I had 6 Years of this before she finally agreed to go into a Care Home. You cannot imagine the Relief I felt, and the Guilt I felt for feeling that relief!! She once fell, in the middle of the night, Christmas Night, couldn't get up so spent the night on the floor. And Yes, I'd seen Her Christmas Day, She'd been picked up by my Sister and had dinner with them, taken back home, and my Sis helped her get to bed. She got up to use the loo and fell! The carers rang me on Boxing Day morning when they found her, and told me they couldn't lift her up as it was against h&s rules! Must admit, I did lose it with them when I got there, hung over and scared sh*tless at what could've happened. what do you expect I'd be like!
On a lighter note, I took her out for Sunday Lunch as often as I could, whenever I was home, which often took 2 - 3 hours as she would eat almost everything on the plate, but oh so slowly. Used to take the Sunday paper, usually The Telegraph, they had loads of supplements as I recall, so I'd read while she nibbled. Turned up one Sunday, walked in, had my own key for safety / convenience, and She's sat in the chair naked! (carers had been, helped Her shower but not helped Her dress!!!!!)
Your Mum Naked is not a sight any son wants or needs to see!!! Once Seen, never forgotten, and at 75yrs old! I scooted into the kitchen and shouted (quietly) Mum, what the hell, why aren't you dressed?? "I'm still reading yesterdays letters!" Got to admit, we didn't get out to lunch that Sunday as she insisted on finishing reading the flaming 'letters', mainly junk fliers but she did like getting letters
I rang the carers emergency number and got them to take care of her! She's happy as Larry now and I go every week. Sis now lives around the corner and pops in 3 - 4 times a week.Neilsfirst, Treasure Her, You will regret it if you don't! Humour Her at the very least, let's face it, how many times a week do you speak to your bezzy mate or any mate for that matter!?!
Off Topic, who's got any funny stories about Parents or Grandparents. My Gran was a BIG women, Granddad (that doesn't look right but auto correct says it is), a Tiny Fella. Gran had a habit of falling and having seen him trying to pick her up,(I was 13 -14 years old) and having an evil sense of humour, I couldn't do anything for laughing!! I literally fell down myself, couldn't get a breath in. Didn't go down well I can tell you!! In Bad Books for weeks.
My Gran suffered from Dementia in later life, 40 years or so ago, before they really started to understand it. Granddad had past away by then and She went into a home. They weren't care homes then, just 'Homes'! She completely changed in character! Very Proper and Correct all her life, even though She was very slim and attractive as a girl, saw the Sepia (don't know if correct spelling) Pictures of her as a girl, so could've had Her pick of boyfriends. Never ever swore and would 'TUT' at anything She didn't approve of! Her personality completely changed as the Dementia progressed though! She would come out with the most foul language when annoyed, stuff that would've made a docker blush!! That can be incredibly funny when your a teenager when She was berating the staff over something. She also used to hide from them! You can imagine the panic!! Once hid in the homes kitchen pantry (store room for the young'uns), eating bananas, (she used to hate bananas), for 4 hours before they found her!! The staff were not amused!
My Gran suffered from Dementia in later life, 40 years or so ago, before they really started to understand it. Granddad had past away by then and She went into a home. They weren't care homes then, just 'Homes'! She completely changed in character! Very Proper and Correct all her life, even though She was very slim and attractive as a girl, saw the Sepia (don't know if correct spelling) Pictures of her as a girl, so could've had Her pick of boyfriends. Never ever swore and would 'TUT' at anything She didn't approve of! Her personality completely changed as the Dementia progressed though! She would come out with the most foul language when annoyed, stuff that would've made a docker blush!! That can be incredibly funny when your a teenager when She was berating the staff over something. She also used to hide from them! You can imagine the panic!! Once hid in the homes kitchen pantry (store room for the young'uns), eating bananas, (she used to hate bananas), for 4 hours before they found her!! The staff were not amused!
Edited by Short Grain on Friday 30th September 03:04
magooagain said:
Ha ha Neil. This could get to more pages than the build thread!
People are people ,you get on with some ,others not. The fact they may be related is irrelevant really.
Now go get painting.
Thanks Joe, really didn't think it would be such an emotive subject! It seems the majority of PH have great mums!People are people ,you get on with some ,others not. The fact they may be related is irrelevant really.
Now go get painting.
Painting is Pippa's domain!
How's the Renault doing?
Always had a distant relationship with my mum, when she left dad; 15 odd years ago, so I would have been late 20's, she just buggered off and left the fallout for me to deal with, dad lived 2 streets away so on my doorstep.
Mum doing what she did caused many issues and the wife wouldn't have her in the house, when she finally reappeared. Her actions brought my family and my dad much closer together and we had a great relationship and also with his new wife; who we hate now but that's a different story. Dad died almost 2 years ago.
Anyway over the years we put our problems behind us and mum was back on the scene, however she was always still distant, I could go a couple of months without speaking to her but I knew she was there if I needed her and vice versa, it was just the kind of relationship that we had, she also has/had, the most annoying knack of just turning up or announcing she was coming round, at the most inconvenient times.
My mum is also very difficult to get into, you never know what is going on in her head, she never gives anything away, which can be bloody frustrating and she can be a bloody nightmare to get hold of, txt, phone call, e-mail; she may not respond for 2-3 days and she isn't one of these oldies that locks her phone in the drawer as "it's only for emergencies", it is always on her. Even my sister, who is much closer to her and lives in the same town as her gets frustrated with it and she can go a couple of weeks without hearing a peep.
However when we are together we get on brilliantly, she's going through a tough time at the moment as her partner is in a hospice and is expected to only have a few days left, we aren't particularly close to him as he has always been at arms length; lovely guy but would only see him a few times a year so I'm not really sure how to feel about it all really, I'm upset, however I think I'm more upset for mum.
Parents eh!!
Mum doing what she did caused many issues and the wife wouldn't have her in the house, when she finally reappeared. Her actions brought my family and my dad much closer together and we had a great relationship and also with his new wife; who we hate now but that's a different story. Dad died almost 2 years ago.
Anyway over the years we put our problems behind us and mum was back on the scene, however she was always still distant, I could go a couple of months without speaking to her but I knew she was there if I needed her and vice versa, it was just the kind of relationship that we had, she also has/had, the most annoying knack of just turning up or announcing she was coming round, at the most inconvenient times.
My mum is also very difficult to get into, you never know what is going on in her head, she never gives anything away, which can be bloody frustrating and she can be a bloody nightmare to get hold of, txt, phone call, e-mail; she may not respond for 2-3 days and she isn't one of these oldies that locks her phone in the drawer as "it's only for emergencies", it is always on her. Even my sister, who is much closer to her and lives in the same town as her gets frustrated with it and she can go a couple of weeks without hearing a peep.
However when we are together we get on brilliantly, she's going through a tough time at the moment as her partner is in a hospice and is expected to only have a few days left, we aren't particularly close to him as he has always been at arms length; lovely guy but would only see him a few times a year so I'm not really sure how to feel about it all really, I'm upset, however I think I'm more upset for mum.
Parents eh!!
My mum died when I was 10.
Watched her being put in the back of the ambulance when after she didn't wake up.
That was 30 years ago. Wish I could whinge about her!
I speak to my dad everyday, go down the pub, go to car shows, go to rock gigs together. He is 70 next year, great fun.
Call your mum and speak to her, it will be too late soon.
Watched her being put in the back of the ambulance when after she didn't wake up.
That was 30 years ago. Wish I could whinge about her!
I speak to my dad everyday, go down the pub, go to car shows, go to rock gigs together. He is 70 next year, great fun.
Call your mum and speak to her, it will be too late soon.
Trabi601 said:
You sound incredibly selfish. All about you and what you want to do.
I have one really big regret hanging over me - I generally spoke to my mum once or twice a week (we lived 240 miles apart) - but a few years ago I left it a little longer between calls - maybe 2 weeks. Then I called and called every day for 5 days, before getting a call from a police officer to tell me she'd been found dead in the summerhouse in her garden. She'd hanged herself. There's rarely a week goes by that I don't kick myself for breaking from my usual calling schedule. It may not have made any difference, as it seems she'd taken the decision to end things - but it leaves an unanswered question in my life.
In summary - speak to her, because when she's gone you'll wish you'd spoken more.
Exactly this, I wish I could still talk to my mum, unfortunately with dementia she has no clue who I am any longer.I have one really big regret hanging over me - I generally spoke to my mum once or twice a week (we lived 240 miles apart) - but a few years ago I left it a little longer between calls - maybe 2 weeks. Then I called and called every day for 5 days, before getting a call from a police officer to tell me she'd been found dead in the summerhouse in her garden. She'd hanged herself. There's rarely a week goes by that I don't kick myself for breaking from my usual calling schedule. It may not have made any difference, as it seems she'd taken the decision to end things - but it leaves an unanswered question in my life.
In summary - speak to her, because when she's gone you'll wish you'd spoken more.
jefword said:
So you have no time to ring her but plenty of time to post your house renovation on facebook because you think the whole world is interested in you.
The me me me generation.
I have plenty of time to ring her and choose not to. The me me me generation.
You couldn't be further from the truth in your analysis of me.
Neilsfirst said:
I have plenty of time to ring her and choose not to.
You couldn't be further from the truth in your analysis of me.
The difficulty is that we can't possibly "get" the relationship between you and your mother based off a few posts.You couldn't be further from the truth in your analysis of me.
That said, you asked a question and based off the info you've had some answers, and sometimes when enough people are telling you something then maybe you've not explained properly, or maybe you have and you need to start to take the hint.
Lot of hate towards the OP. Granted we do not all know his back story, maybe he is ungrateful. However, he has said that his relationship is similar to mine, so on that note it's not as easy to "pull your finger out and ring her" - when your own mother tells you to sod off as she is busy, or refuses to give me her mobile number in case I call, you know that is not a strong relationship.
She always slags my brothers off to me, and she slags me off to my brothers. She refuses to meet my younger brothers other half, purely because she is older than him. She called my step mum a slag repeatedly at my wedding while stone cold sober.
I really feel for people who have lost their mother young, must be awful. If I had lost my mum at 10 years old, I too would be mortified still. However until you actually have a horrific relationship with a parent you really shouldn't judge and say "pick up the phone".
Years of counselling have left my younger brother with instructions to keep away from her.
I wish it was easy to pick up the phone and have a chat, but when the other person has no interest at all in you or your life, it makes it very hard, parents don't always love their children, so why bother make the effort. Life is too short for negativity.
I'm sure the OP doesn't like the situation and would love a harmonious relationship - but that is not always possible.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that even though she is your "mum" doesn't automatically make her a nice person, so why waste time with nasty people? seems daft. I've tried for 20 wasted years, and get kicked every bloody time.
She always slags my brothers off to me, and she slags me off to my brothers. She refuses to meet my younger brothers other half, purely because she is older than him. She called my step mum a slag repeatedly at my wedding while stone cold sober.
I really feel for people who have lost their mother young, must be awful. If I had lost my mum at 10 years old, I too would be mortified still. However until you actually have a horrific relationship with a parent you really shouldn't judge and say "pick up the phone".
Years of counselling have left my younger brother with instructions to keep away from her.
I wish it was easy to pick up the phone and have a chat, but when the other person has no interest at all in you or your life, it makes it very hard, parents don't always love their children, so why bother make the effort. Life is too short for negativity.
I'm sure the OP doesn't like the situation and would love a harmonious relationship - but that is not always possible.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that even though she is your "mum" doesn't automatically make her a nice person, so why waste time with nasty people? seems daft. I've tried for 20 wasted years, and get kicked every bloody time.
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