Am I an ungrateful child?
Discussion
Alex_225 said:
May sound a bit sad but I usually have a chat with my mum even if it's 5-10 minutes every single day.
So assuming you actually get along with your parents, I don't think it's a lot to expect a phone call even if it's once a week for a catch up.
Same for me.So assuming you actually get along with your parents, I don't think it's a lot to expect a phone call even if it's once a week for a catch up.
I'm 37 and i don't think i can recall a day I've not spoken with my mum and dad even if it's only for a few minutes.
She sounds like a right moaning Minny.
I miss my mum, although she is still alive, just not reaLLy my mum any more as she has dementia. She was a real pain to be around before we managed to get her into a home. Passed all the tests given her to see if she showed any signs of dementia but really clingy and needy and miserable for a good year before diagnosis and yet another fall led us to get her into care for her own safety. She's now basically just an old woman I go and visit sometimes. I miss the interesting, vibrant, intelligent woman she used to be.
Not everyone's Mum is worth bothering with and nobody should be made to feel eternally grateful and responsible if theirs is a pain in the arse, I don't feel. Others clearly have different views.
OP, I'm not sure what you were looking for with this thread...
I miss my mum, although she is still alive, just not reaLLy my mum any more as she has dementia. She was a real pain to be around before we managed to get her into a home. Passed all the tests given her to see if she showed any signs of dementia but really clingy and needy and miserable for a good year before diagnosis and yet another fall led us to get her into care for her own safety. She's now basically just an old woman I go and visit sometimes. I miss the interesting, vibrant, intelligent woman she used to be.
Not everyone's Mum is worth bothering with and nobody should be made to feel eternally grateful and responsible if theirs is a pain in the arse, I don't feel. Others clearly have different views.
OP, I'm not sure what you were looking for with this thread...
Neilsfirst said:
I appreciate everyone's view on this and those that have taken time to bare their history, but The Lounge has lived up to normal expectations of the few personal insults. Just like the school playground.
And you have lived up to expectations by asking strangers on the Internet for advice on a personal matter and then lashing out and taking your ball home when the advice you get isn't what you wanted to hear.HustleRussell said:
And you have lived up to expectations by asking strangers on the Internet for advice on a personal matter and then lashing out and taking your ball home when the advice you get isn't what you wanted to hear.
My ball is very much still here and I am not lashing out at people giving advice. I did not ask for advice, just a question but was more a rant. People have opened up which I am very much grateful for and others have decided to just be judgemental as is their right on the Internet.
I am not one to shy away from a discussion but hurling insults is not my style.
Edited for sleeping.
Autocorrect is against me too! Speeling
Edited by Neilsfirst on Friday 30th September 11:40
Edited by Neilsfirst on Friday 30th September 11:41
Pothole said:
OP, I'm not sure what you were looking for with this thread...
I wasn't after anything just a rant, but as people have been kind enough to respond it would be rude not to engage as some others seem to do or flounce off in true PistonHeads style when it doesn't go my way. joestifff said:
Lot of hate towards the OP. Granted we do not all know his back story, maybe he is ungrateful. However, he has said that his relationship is similar to mine, so on that note it's not as easy to "pull your finger out and ring her" - when your own mother tells you to sod off as she is busy, or refuses to give me her mobile number in case I call, you know that is not a strong relationship.
She always slags my brothers off to me, and she slags me off to my brothers. She refuses to meet my younger brothers other half, purely because she is older than him. She called my step mum a slag repeatedly at my wedding while stone cold sober.
I really feel for people who have lost their mother young, must be awful. If I had lost my mum at 10 years old, I too would be mortified still. However until you actually have a horrific relationship with a parent you really shouldn't judge and say "pick up the phone".
Years of counselling have left my younger brother with instructions to keep away from her.
I wish it was easy to pick up the phone and have a chat, but when the other person has no interest at all in you or your life, it makes it very hard, parents don't always love their children, so why bother make the effort. Life is too short for negativity.
I'm sure the OP doesn't like the situation and would love a harmonious relationship - but that is not always possible.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that even though she is your "mum" doesn't automatically make her a nice person, so why waste time with nasty people? seems daft. I've tried for 20 wasted years, and get kicked every bloody time.
Very true. I've not seen nor heard from my mother in near 3 years. I spent years in a toxic relationship with her. Nothing was ever good enough. Years of abuse aimed at me, years of watching her passed out drunk and many others things I won't get into. My Sister had a stroke last year and our mtoher did not even go visit her in hospital and has never called her. Her grand kids have no idea about her. Birthdays and xmas comes and goes and she does not contact us at all. I use to try for the sake of my wife but it made me depressed. My sperm donor cleared off when I was 2 years old and I've never met him. When people ask about my parents I simply say they are not around anymore and leave it at that. One major component to come out my abusive and toxic childhood is that I am a good Father to my kids. There is not a single day that goes by where they don't get told how loved they are. I've been through therapy and one major book that really helped me is one called "Toxic Parents". Life is too short. She always slags my brothers off to me, and she slags me off to my brothers. She refuses to meet my younger brothers other half, purely because she is older than him. She called my step mum a slag repeatedly at my wedding while stone cold sober.
I really feel for people who have lost their mother young, must be awful. If I had lost my mum at 10 years old, I too would be mortified still. However until you actually have a horrific relationship with a parent you really shouldn't judge and say "pick up the phone".
Years of counselling have left my younger brother with instructions to keep away from her.
I wish it was easy to pick up the phone and have a chat, but when the other person has no interest at all in you or your life, it makes it very hard, parents don't always love their children, so why bother make the effort. Life is too short for negativity.
I'm sure the OP doesn't like the situation and would love a harmonious relationship - but that is not always possible.
I guess what I am trying to say, is that even though she is your "mum" doesn't automatically make her a nice person, so why waste time with nasty people? seems daft. I've tried for 20 wasted years, and get kicked every bloody time.
Some good advice on this thread.
I have a very mixed relationship with my mother that looks increasingly like the one described by the OP. Many factor at play - her ill health, boredom, age factors, etc.
I call every week, it's a calendar item in my phone, sometimes it's ten minutes of me listening, sometimes it's an hour where I get 2 minutes in... Once a month I send flowers. I send her photos of her grand daughter.
There isn't much of a "relationship", but nor is it that toxic, it's just painful and somewhat depressing, but while she still picks up the phone, I'll keep trying at least to be in contact.
I have a very mixed relationship with my mother that looks increasingly like the one described by the OP. Many factor at play - her ill health, boredom, age factors, etc.
I call every week, it's a calendar item in my phone, sometimes it's ten minutes of me listening, sometimes it's an hour where I get 2 minutes in... Once a month I send flowers. I send her photos of her grand daughter.
There isn't much of a "relationship", but nor is it that toxic, it's just painful and somewhat depressing, but while she still picks up the phone, I'll keep trying at least to be in contact.
Horses for courses, it depends entirely on the kind of people you both are.
I speak with my parents and grandparents every month or so, we get on really well but I'm not a great talker and neither are they, so each time it's about 30 minutes before we've said all we could think about.
They all live in France so visits don't happen too often either, but we're comfortable with that and no complaints about each other!
I speak with my parents and grandparents every month or so, we get on really well but I'm not a great talker and neither are they, so each time it's about 30 minutes before we've said all we could think about.
They all live in France so visits don't happen too often either, but we're comfortable with that and no complaints about each other!
jefword said:
So you have no time to ring her but plenty of time to post your house renovation on facebook because you think the whole world is interested in you.
The me me me generation.
Says more about you than the OP in my book, whenever I post things on Facebook is to update a specific set of friends on what I'm doing. Those who are not interested, guess what: they don't care and skip right past it! The me me me generation.
What better way to keep all who care updated than through Facebook?
Alex@POD said:
Says more about you than the OP in my book, whenever I post things on Facebook is to update a specific set of friends on what I'm doing. Those who are not interested, guess what: they don't care and skip right past it!
What better way to keep all who care updated than through Facebook?
You're missing the point, it was that the OP had time to fWhat better way to keep all who care updated than through Facebook?
k about showing off his building on Facebook and would rather be doing that than calling his Mum Did I read somewhere about an upcoming hip replacement?y Mum had one earlier in the year and shed needed it for 2 years but it kept getting put back
For my Mum it was debilitating and pissed her off massively because she couldn't do the things she wanted to do and was struggling to walk more than about 50 feet. So it was leaving her housebound with cabin fever on top
If you try to understand that she probably wants to talk but general grumbles are just the surface conversation openers you'll probably find it'll help her get it off her chest a bit
andy-xr said:
You're missing the point, it was that the OP had time to fk about showing off his building on Facebook and would rather be doing that than calling his Mum
Did I read somewhere about an upcoming hip replacement?y Mum had one earlier in the year and shed needed it for 2 years but it kept getting put back
For my Mum it was debilitating and pissed her off massively because she couldn't do the things she wanted to do and was struggling to walk more than about 50 feet. So it was leaving her housebound with cabin fever on top
If you try to understand that she probably wants to talk but general grumbles are just the surface conversation openers you'll probably find it'll help her get it off her chest a bit
You did read about the hip replacement, it is her second, but she hasn't required it for 20 years and her behaviour has been the same all that time.k about showing off his building on Facebook and would rather be doing that than calling his Mum Did I read somewhere about an upcoming hip replacement?y Mum had one earlier in the year and shed needed it for 2 years but it kept getting put back
For my Mum it was debilitating and pissed her off massively because she couldn't do the things she wanted to do and was struggling to walk more than about 50 feet. So it was leaving her housebound with cabin fever on top
If you try to understand that she probably wants to talk but general grumbles are just the surface conversation openers you'll probably find it'll help her get it off her chest a bit
My mum and dad are in a care home after each having a number of strokes.
OP, I was the same as you - I would never make time when parents called as I was always busy (in my perception). I now realise I don't have too long left with them around and happily make time with a 250 mile round trip to see them approx. twice a month. I constantly regret not recognising their wish to have contact with me. Decorating can be done another day, they won't always be around for a chat. It's a slight inconvenience at times but no more than that.
In fact I have received a call from mum part way through typing this and had a little chat with her. And it was good to hear from her even though my heart skips a beat now, every time I see her pop up on my phone. Never know when bad news is coming.
OP, I was the same as you - I would never make time when parents called as I was always busy (in my perception). I now realise I don't have too long left with them around and happily make time with a 250 mile round trip to see them approx. twice a month. I constantly regret not recognising their wish to have contact with me. Decorating can be done another day, they won't always be around for a chat. It's a slight inconvenience at times but no more than that.
In fact I have received a call from mum part way through typing this and had a little chat with her. And it was good to hear from her even though my heart skips a beat now, every time I see her pop up on my phone. Never know when bad news is coming.
First time I heard about my old man in years was when the hospital rang to ask if they could turn the machines off. When I see him in Hell I'll tell him why I didn't even pause. fk him, he was a rubbish human being as well a rubbish father.
Isn't there an old cliche about not being able to choose your family? Life's too short to waste it on aholes, whether they're swimming in your gene pool or not *
*not immune to the irony in this statement, especially on PH
k him, he was a rubbish human being as well a rubbish father.Isn't there an old cliche about not being able to choose your family? Life's too short to waste it on a
holes, whether they're swimming in your gene pool or not **not immune to the irony in this statement, especially on PH
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