Greatest post ever on PH?
Discussion
james_tigerwoods said:
Pixel Pusher said:
Silent1 said:
It's welsh you 'tard. 
http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?t=519297
1 - I don't venture into The Lounge very often, but "that"/your thread invariably is somewhere in the first couple of pages. Well, yours, and "N'Urts" login problem thread.
2 - I have some (actually, quite a few) non-PH mates who now make reference to it. Including my own father who has recently joined Facebook and checked in at a hotel in Llandudno with the comment "It's Welsh you 'tard"
Pixel Pusher said:
Also my first thought!! 
ETA: or the Jason Plato thread?
http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
Particularly as it went on to change the wording of a 5th gear episode! :heh:
Edited by Petrolhead_Rich on Friday 30th September 17:05
Can't remember if this was it's own thread or part of the men grunting in the bogs!
Still has me crying with laughter even years later! Saved at the time and passed onto loads of people who all agree!
I confess to feeling self-conscious when last night's lamb dhansak, chana masala, keema naan and Cobra is struggling its way out and making a lot of fuss while it does, especially when the traps to either side are occupied by chaps who seem to be able to lay one down with barely a splash, but for true embarrassment, you need a hotel room on your first night away with a new cutie.
So lots of charming conversation and civilised behaviour and attention to personal hygiene and nipping outside to fart have paid off, and several months in it's time for a romantic weekend away. The hotel room is in a dead trendy boutique place, and the wall between bedroom and bathroom is frosted glass. All other bathroom walls are tiled for maximum reverb. The door is also glass, and does not seal in any way - half-inch gaps all round. So you are effectively in the same room as the bed, which is where you leave your amour, curled up and warm ("hurry back", she murmurs) on the morning after a nice Moroccan meal with plenty of chickpeas, spiced lamb, falafel and so on, plus a couple of bottles of rough red, and whisky to finish. You pace with measured tread to the echo chamber, then hunker down to answer the insistent call from the lower colon.
To begin with, it sounded like a duck being strangled half-underwater, then as if thirty clowns wearing oversize rubber shoes were having a sprinting race over a massive bowl of jelly, then as I desperately applied restrictive pressure, it faded into an anguished squeak like a deflating balloon, then as my muscle control gave out, a series of small escaping explosions escalated into a titanic rasp that echoed for several seconds.
Having done the paperwork, brushed everywhere in the bowl, including the underside of the seat (how in the name of gravity could that have happened?), washed hands, and assumed as nonchalant an expression as I could muster, I strolled back in to find her sitting up, covers drawn protectively up under her chin, eyes like a lemur, asking whether I was ok, and did I need medical attention?
Kind of killed the mood, rather.
Still has me crying with laughter even years later! Saved at the time and passed onto loads of people who all agree!
I confess to feeling self-conscious when last night's lamb dhansak, chana masala, keema naan and Cobra is struggling its way out and making a lot of fuss while it does, especially when the traps to either side are occupied by chaps who seem to be able to lay one down with barely a splash, but for true embarrassment, you need a hotel room on your first night away with a new cutie.
So lots of charming conversation and civilised behaviour and attention to personal hygiene and nipping outside to fart have paid off, and several months in it's time for a romantic weekend away. The hotel room is in a dead trendy boutique place, and the wall between bedroom and bathroom is frosted glass. All other bathroom walls are tiled for maximum reverb. The door is also glass, and does not seal in any way - half-inch gaps all round. So you are effectively in the same room as the bed, which is where you leave your amour, curled up and warm ("hurry back", she murmurs) on the morning after a nice Moroccan meal with plenty of chickpeas, spiced lamb, falafel and so on, plus a couple of bottles of rough red, and whisky to finish. You pace with measured tread to the echo chamber, then hunker down to answer the insistent call from the lower colon.
To begin with, it sounded like a duck being strangled half-underwater, then as if thirty clowns wearing oversize rubber shoes were having a sprinting race over a massive bowl of jelly, then as I desperately applied restrictive pressure, it faded into an anguished squeak like a deflating balloon, then as my muscle control gave out, a series of small escaping explosions escalated into a titanic rasp that echoed for several seconds.
Having done the paperwork, brushed everywhere in the bowl, including the underside of the seat (how in the name of gravity could that have happened?), washed hands, and assumed as nonchalant an expression as I could muster, I strolled back in to find her sitting up, covers drawn protectively up under her chin, eyes like a lemur, asking whether I was ok, and did I need medical attention?
Kind of killed the mood, rather.
Crafty_ said:
Wheres the one with the lad and the older relative? (was it an Auntie or something?) that picture did the rounds on here for years.
That would be this oneBut again, that's a thread not a post. The original post was in the Best picture of your car thread.
Edited by bigandclever on Friday 30th September 18:18
parabolica said:
The 'men grunting in the men's room' thread is comedy gold.
There was a thread about a year ago where one PH'er (A) had met up with another PH'er (B) (overseas I think) and came on here to voice his displeasure at being eventually ghosted by B. B then turns up on the thread to reveal that A is bat-s
t mental and all hell breaks loose. Can't remember the posters from the thread to find it though.
Polarbert, can't remember the other guy. it ended along the lines of "mate don't message me again"There was a thread about a year ago where one PH'er (A) had met up with another PH'er (B) (overseas I think) and came on here to voice his displeasure at being eventually ghosted by B. B then turns up on the thread to reveal that A is bat-s
t mental and all hell breaks loose. Can't remember the posters from the thread to find it though. Oakey said:
parabolica said:
The 'men grunting in the men's room' thread is comedy gold.
There was a thread about a year ago where one PH'er (A) had met up with another PH'er (B) (overseas I think) and came on here to voice his displeasure at being eventually ghosted by B. B then turns up on the thread to reveal that A is bat-st mental and all hell breaks loose. Can't remember the posters from the thread to find it though.
Polarbert, can't remember the other guy. it ended along the lines of "mate don't message me again"There was a thread about a year ago where one PH'er (A) had met up with another PH'er (B) (overseas I think) and came on here to voice his displeasure at being eventually ghosted by B. B then turns up on the thread to reveal that A is bat-s
t mental and all hell breaks loose. Can't remember the posters from the thread to find it though. I spend too much f
king time on here 
Short Grain said:
ApOrbital said:
One of the best storys on PH.
Even re reading it after I posted has me in tears laughing, and it keeps me bursting out laughing again! The Clowns and 'Eyes like a Lemur' I'm crying again!!
Oh god that's funny.
bigandclever said:
I knew the other guy's name was something to do with garbage 
The curry tale above has to get my vote too. Beautifully written.
My favourite thread though I think has to be this one. "Strange neighbour problems...Cameras" - this doesn't seem to be on the Legendary Threads page for some reason, which mystifies me. It's like a modern Tom Sharpe novel.
http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
My favourite thread though I think has to be this one. "Strange neighbour problems...Cameras" - this doesn't seem to be on the Legendary Threads page for some reason, which mystifies me. It's like a modern Tom Sharpe novel.
http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
JimmyConwayNW said:
When putting up signs at Knowsley Safari park he was given closed access to the park. Using an l200 truck he was doing a few drifts and managed to drift it into a penguin. Chucked the penguin in the back and put it in a bin on the way home.
This is my favourite part of my favourite post in any thread. Absolute comedy gold, the mental imagery had me in kinks for about 5 minutes. The thread where the guy burnt a shed down rather than tearing it down was great as well, but it's a whole thread rather than a single monumental post.bigandclever said:
Oakey said:
parabolica said:
The 'men grunting in the men's room' thread is comedy gold.
There was a thread about a year ago where one PH'er (A) had met up with another PH'er (B) (overseas I think) and came on here to voice his displeasure at being eventually ghosted by B. B then turns up on the thread to reveal that A is bat-st mental and all hell breaks loose. Can't remember the posters from the thread to find it though.
Polarbert, can't remember the other guy. it ended along the lines of "mate don't message me again"There was a thread about a year ago where one PH'er (A) had met up with another PH'er (B) (overseas I think) and came on here to voice his displeasure at being eventually ghosted by B. B then turns up on the thread to reveal that A is bat-s
t mental and all hell breaks loose. Can't remember the posters from the thread to find it though. I spend too much f
king time on here Two nominations from me, one very much in the same vein as old Lemur eyes back up there is the Le Mans Merguez/sock story (although actually it seems it was originally from elsewhere so may not be a genuine contribution)
James N said:
1998
Well, it all started with the choice of campsite I suppose. Expo. Opposite the pub, and just down the road from the main entrance and grandstand. It was my first time at le Mans, the atmosphere was great during qualifying, and I was really looking forward to watching the start from Tetre Rouge, one of the best places to watch it from according to Skipper.
We arrived on Wednesday afternoon, pitched the tents, got some food down our necks and proceeded to drink beer. After 8 or 9 of those crappy little French bottles, it was time to drop some off at the urinals, so I wandered off to the nearby toilet block. There was some strange French woman sitting outside with a plastic tin full of change, and a retard grin on her face. Must be a janitor type person I guessed, whilst noting the size of her arse, and figuring a massive dose of gene therapy would be the only way to breed it out of her family. I bet the midwife slapped her mother instead of the baby when she was born. Anyway, in I went. No urinals to be seen. Must have to piss in the bogs then, I guessed as I swung the door open on the first trap.
“Some has nicked the bog” was my first thought. Closer inspection however revealed a shower tray type thing with a 5 or 6 inch hole towards the back, and some mouldings towards the front on each side.
Slowly it dawned on me. These were the infamous “long drop” toilets that I had heard old people in pubs talking about when discussing their trips to “the continent” when they were young. Apparently you have to squat like a homesick muslim whilst trying to aim your turd down the hole, simultaneously doing your very best to not to piss on the shorts you didn’t have the foresight to remove.
'Well, I’m fked if I’m pissing in that' I thought to myself, even though the previous tenant had done a fine job of pissing all over the entire apparatus, (probably in a effort to wash some of the st off of it, in my considered opinion) so I moved on to the next door in search of a proper bog. No such luck, and a cursory inspection of all the other cubicles revealed that they were all long drops. Never being one to duck a challenge, I decided to have a piss in the last cubicle, being careful to adopt the Gallic custom of pissing all over it. No point in going abroad and not absorbing the local culture in my view.
Once relieved, I sauntered out of the toilet block, and even said “Bonjour Monsieur” in my most fluent French to the woman sitting outside, doing my bit for Anglo-French relations. She gave me a funny look, but I think it may have just been her face, as she looked like she had fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. I made a mental note not to st in that particular toilet block under any circumstances.
Thursday and Friday passed rather quickly, I think we went go-karting on Thursday, Friday night we had quite a few beers, and a really good barbeque, plenty of food. Skipper didn’t eat any of the spicy red sausages, so I had his share. There were even quite a few of the red sausages left over when everyone had finished eating, so I polished them off as I get hungry after a few pints. Not a lot of the people who had been to le Mans before ate the red sausages. Odd that, they were really tasty.
Saturday morning I woke up with butterflies in my stomach. Must be the excitement of being race day. We did breakfast, and went for a drive up the Mulsanne straight, which was quite good. We got back to the campsite at around 1pm, and settled down for a couple of pints before the planned 2:30 walk up to Tetre Rouge. The butterflies in my stomach had developed, and I was beginning to wonder if I might need a turd, as I hadn’t had one since Tuesday.
2:30 pm arrived, and I came to the conclusion that I actually did need a dump, but was forced to bake it for a while as everybody was getting ready to go to the track, and there was no way I was going to crap in the campsite toilets. No problem I thought, I’ll drop the kids off at the pool after watching the start, there was bound to be plenty of toilets at a place as famous as le Mans, and with any luck, they wouldn’t be long drops.
We set off at around 3:15. My arse was starting to get a bit twitchy, and was informing me that a long greasy turd would be forthcoming in approximately one hour, come what may. No problem, I thought : race starts at 4pm, we will watch ten laps or so, then we would wander off to a trackside bar, I would have a pint or two, then go to the toilets and unleash the beast, so to speak.
This turned out to be wishful thinking.
We made it to Tetre Rouge, and by five to four, I was developing an urgent knocking at the back door. Mr Brown and his children, wanted out, and he was letting me know in no uncertain terms. As this was my first le Mans, I was determined not to miss the start, and sent a message to the back door, informing it as to who was in charge. The contractions miraculously stopped, and thankfully nobody was aware of my predicament, the blazing sun giving me a perfect excuse for sweating like a and not moving a lot.
A helicopter flew overhead, in line with the cars on the parade lap. Absolutely amazing, couldn’t wait for the cars to come round on the first hot lap. Unfortunately this surge of enthusiasm seemed to motivate the manitou trapped within my bowels, causing it to surge towards the exit gate at top speed. Mission Control sent an urgent message to the sphincter, which slammed itself shut with only milliseconds to spare. A gust of fetid air managed to escape just before the doors slammed shut. Luckily a Panoz was going past at the time, hiding the noise of the fart, while the smell blended in nicely with rural France. Urban France too for that matter, but that is beside the point. At this point my brain went into survival mode, and I revised my original estimate down from ten laps and a couple of pints down to five laps and no pints. I was in serious and terminal danger of stting myself, and thirty degree heat at le Mans while wearing shorts was neither the time nor the place to do it in public for the first time since the age of six.
Thankfully 4 o’clock came, the race started, and all the cars came blasting past us. I managed to get seven or eight really good photos of the wire fence by the time they all went past for the first time. Unfortunately this lack of concentration on the major issue of the day had encouraged the beast within me, and it had now produced its “get out of jail free card” and was heading for the gate with renewed vigour.
“er, just going for a st, see you at the bar !” I shouted to the rest of our group. Nobody heard, as the leaders were just coming round for lap two.
I strode off purposefully towards the Dunlop bridge, confident of coming across a toilet block within five minutes. Ten yards later the demon turd made its presence felt again, and again I slammed my ahole shut, hoping that I hadn’t beheaded the fker in the process. Drastic times mean drastic measures, and I was forced to walk like Charlie Chaplin to keep the beast at bay. By this time I was sweating like Michael Jackson at a Primary School swimming gala, and was receiving some strange looks. fk ‘em, I was on a mission, and they were probably all French anyway.
Somehow I made it to the Dunlop Bridge without stting myself, and spotted what looked like a small toilet block in the not too far distance. I grabbed my shorts, pushed my arse cheeks together with some authority, and headed for the turd oasis.
As I got closer, there appeared to be a rather long queue outside it. A quick mental calculation of a maximum of two toilets inside, a thirty person queue outside it at 5 minutes average per dump would give me 45 minute wait. There was no choice, I had to head for the stters behind the main grandstand, from memory they were about 100 yards long, and would have a quick turnaround time. Charlie Chaplin took charge again, and off I went.
I arrived about fifteen minutes later, sweat pouring off me, and not sure if I had done a certain percentage of poo in my pants already. The queue wasn’t too bad, and it was moving forward at about one person every two minutes. After a while I got to the entrance, and saw another French woman with a bowl of change, and little mounds of two or three sheets of pink toilet paper on her desk. I figured she was selling posh toilet paper so the women could pat their delicate little beavers dry after a dainty girly pee, and that there would be some industrial waxy type paper in the men’s for some serious arse wiping. I smiled condescendingly on my way past. She smiled back, obviously noticing the six inch steps I was taking, the grey face, and the rapist-like sweating going on. bh.
The mental release of being in close proximity to a porcelain palace was having a detrimental affect on my ability to control the leviathan and potentially prize winning poo. I had a tortoise head that was more like an ostrich head, and it felt like it had Arnold Schwarzenegger's neck muscles. There were seven people in front of me, and by my calculations of previous st/piss ratios and timings, I had 8.4 minutes to go. Time stood still for what seemed like half an hour, but I suddenly found myself at the front of the queue. Ominously, I was starting to develop cramp in my left arse cheek, and my right leg was starting to tremble uncontrollably. A door opened about halfway down, and a skinny French tt staggered out. The gene pool was obviously somewhat silted up when he was conceived.
Released from the starting blocks, I headed towards the cubicle like Ian Dury on speed. A five millisecond scan of the facilities revealed a proper toilet, no toilet seat though, and porcelain covered in the statutory French piss. Instantaneously I formed a plan of action : turn round, bolt the door, shorts down, and hover six inches above the bog.
I tentatively relaxed my arse muscles for the first time in approximately two hours, and felt a vacuum forming in my chest as the mother and father of all turds headed south and out quicker than Nelson Mandela on release day, and almost as smelly. After a couple of feet of steaming coil had fallen out, my arse closed with a loud fart of satisfaction, and all the stress and tension drained from my body. I smiled and awarded myself three pints of beer over and above what I felt capable of potentially drinking at any point during the next day, just like any proud father would. Mission accomplished, I looked around for the industrial toilet paper.
There were no toilet roll holders on the wall. There were no toilet rolls stacked nicely on the cistern. There was no toilet paper on the floor behind the bowl. There was a waste paper basket in the corner. Closer inspection revealed that it contained used pink toilet paper.
fk.
I was faced with three options. 1: Not wipe my arse and wander around in the blazing sun back to the tent to get toilet paper, 2: Not wipe my arse, go to the back of the queue, queue up again and buy some pink toilet paper on the way past from the smirking inbred Frenchwoman, or 3: Improvise.
It was quite tricky getting my trainers off, then my socks, without standing on the piss on the floor in my socks and then bare feet with my shorts around my knees, but somehow I made it.
I pulled the first sock onto my hand, then pulled it tight up to my elbow, and held it there with my spare hand. The sweat in the sock from the two hour route march was particularly unpleasant so I ignored it. I then gave a gentle wipe to the overworked and stressed chocolate starfish with sock number one. When the first pass was complete, I rotated the sock through 180 degrees, then repeated the process more vigorously, and then did the same with sock number two. Pity I wasn’t born with four feet.
The rushed arse wiping with the socks had not entirely polished my ring to its normal standards, and I was beginning to think that maybe in the same way Scrapie jumped species from sheep and manifested itself as BSE in cows, I feared that I had developed “Athletes Arse” as there was a certain degree of itchiness going on. When we got back to camp at around six, I got my roll of as yet unused Andrex out of the bag and headed for the toilet block.
The swamp monster had been replaced by a younger version with an excellent pair of tits, but the leggings made her arse look like God had once stuffed a duvet into a pillow case, then replicated it in a human being just for a laugh. Must have been the other one’s daughter. “Bon Nuit” I said cheerily as I went in for a minor bum wiping session. She gave me a funny look, so I made a mental note to check for st on the back of my legs.
Minor bum wiping session my arse. Now I know why Andrex put toilet paper on rolls rather than socks. Whilst socks feel nice and soft on your feet, wiping them across your ahole four times in anger removes approximately thirty layers of skin from it. My fking ahole was in tatters. The Andrex wasn’t sure if it was mopping up a st or a period, and I was beginning to wonder myself. Beats me how poofters go on with all those funny condoms they stick up their arses. Anyway, half a roll of Andrex later, the old ringpeice was polished to an acceptable standard, so I lobbed the rest of the roll down the hole in the long drop, as statistically I wasn’t due for another dump until Thursday. Whilst doing so, I noted that the cubicle and toilet were remarkably clean. The janitor totty must have cleaned it just before I arrived. "Must remember to compliment her on the way out" I thoughtidly to myself. I flushed the toilet, and just made it out before the overflow got to the door. Janitor totty fluttered her eyelids at me, “la merdes sont tres bon” I remarked to her in perfect French. She looked at me oddly. Bugger, I had forgotten to check for st on the back of my legs.
Turdwise, the rest of the trip went without a hitch, although the Athletes Arse didn’t dissipate. Luckily the girlfriend at the time insisted on giving me thrush twice or so a week, so when I got home I went hunting for her canasten cream (found it right next to her anti-blowjob pills), applied it to the affected area and it cleared up in a couple of days.
1.If you eat the spicy red sausages, make sure you eat one immodium per red sausage without fail
2. If you need a dump, go for one immediately. There will never be a better time.
3. Never wipe your arse with your socks. Try your tee shirt instead, or :
4. Carry some toilet paper with you whenever you go to the track. At worst you wont use it, at best you will go home with the same number of clothes you came with and your ahole in one piece.
5.Use the cripple toilets wherever possible. They are pretty spacious and you don’t face butt the door when attempting to remove or replace your shorts.
Your second best option is to use the women’s toilets, as they tend not to piss all over the seats.
Third best is the pub opposite the expo campsite (BYO toilet paper) or Carre Four/ Macdonalds (BYO noseclip).
Fourth best is the toilets anywhere except Expo.
Second is taking the cat to the vetWell, it all started with the choice of campsite I suppose. Expo. Opposite the pub, and just down the road from the main entrance and grandstand. It was my first time at le Mans, the atmosphere was great during qualifying, and I was really looking forward to watching the start from Tetre Rouge, one of the best places to watch it from according to Skipper.
We arrived on Wednesday afternoon, pitched the tents, got some food down our necks and proceeded to drink beer. After 8 or 9 of those crappy little French bottles, it was time to drop some off at the urinals, so I wandered off to the nearby toilet block. There was some strange French woman sitting outside with a plastic tin full of change, and a retard grin on her face. Must be a janitor type person I guessed, whilst noting the size of her arse, and figuring a massive dose of gene therapy would be the only way to breed it out of her family. I bet the midwife slapped her mother instead of the baby when she was born. Anyway, in I went. No urinals to be seen. Must have to piss in the bogs then, I guessed as I swung the door open on the first trap.
“Some has nicked the bog” was my first thought. Closer inspection however revealed a shower tray type thing with a 5 or 6 inch hole towards the back, and some mouldings towards the front on each side.
Slowly it dawned on me. These were the infamous “long drop” toilets that I had heard old people in pubs talking about when discussing their trips to “the continent” when they were young. Apparently you have to squat like a homesick muslim whilst trying to aim your turd down the hole, simultaneously doing your very best to not to piss on the shorts you didn’t have the foresight to remove.
'Well, I’m fked if I’m pissing in that' I thought to myself, even though the previous tenant had done a fine job of pissing all over the entire apparatus, (probably in a effort to wash some of the st off of it, in my considered opinion) so I moved on to the next door in search of a proper bog. No such luck, and a cursory inspection of all the other cubicles revealed that they were all long drops. Never being one to duck a challenge, I decided to have a piss in the last cubicle, being careful to adopt the Gallic custom of pissing all over it. No point in going abroad and not absorbing the local culture in my view.
Once relieved, I sauntered out of the toilet block, and even said “Bonjour Monsieur” in my most fluent French to the woman sitting outside, doing my bit for Anglo-French relations. She gave me a funny look, but I think it may have just been her face, as she looked like she had fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. I made a mental note not to st in that particular toilet block under any circumstances.
Thursday and Friday passed rather quickly, I think we went go-karting on Thursday, Friday night we had quite a few beers, and a really good barbeque, plenty of food. Skipper didn’t eat any of the spicy red sausages, so I had his share. There were even quite a few of the red sausages left over when everyone had finished eating, so I polished them off as I get hungry after a few pints. Not a lot of the people who had been to le Mans before ate the red sausages. Odd that, they were really tasty.
Saturday morning I woke up with butterflies in my stomach. Must be the excitement of being race day. We did breakfast, and went for a drive up the Mulsanne straight, which was quite good. We got back to the campsite at around 1pm, and settled down for a couple of pints before the planned 2:30 walk up to Tetre Rouge. The butterflies in my stomach had developed, and I was beginning to wonder if I might need a turd, as I hadn’t had one since Tuesday.
2:30 pm arrived, and I came to the conclusion that I actually did need a dump, but was forced to bake it for a while as everybody was getting ready to go to the track, and there was no way I was going to crap in the campsite toilets. No problem I thought, I’ll drop the kids off at the pool after watching the start, there was bound to be plenty of toilets at a place as famous as le Mans, and with any luck, they wouldn’t be long drops.
We set off at around 3:15. My arse was starting to get a bit twitchy, and was informing me that a long greasy turd would be forthcoming in approximately one hour, come what may. No problem, I thought : race starts at 4pm, we will watch ten laps or so, then we would wander off to a trackside bar, I would have a pint or two, then go to the toilets and unleash the beast, so to speak.
This turned out to be wishful thinking.
We made it to Tetre Rouge, and by five to four, I was developing an urgent knocking at the back door. Mr Brown and his children, wanted out, and he was letting me know in no uncertain terms. As this was my first le Mans, I was determined not to miss the start, and sent a message to the back door, informing it as to who was in charge. The contractions miraculously stopped, and thankfully nobody was aware of my predicament, the blazing sun giving me a perfect excuse for sweating like a and not moving a lot.
A helicopter flew overhead, in line with the cars on the parade lap. Absolutely amazing, couldn’t wait for the cars to come round on the first hot lap. Unfortunately this surge of enthusiasm seemed to motivate the manitou trapped within my bowels, causing it to surge towards the exit gate at top speed. Mission Control sent an urgent message to the sphincter, which slammed itself shut with only milliseconds to spare. A gust of fetid air managed to escape just before the doors slammed shut. Luckily a Panoz was going past at the time, hiding the noise of the fart, while the smell blended in nicely with rural France. Urban France too for that matter, but that is beside the point. At this point my brain went into survival mode, and I revised my original estimate down from ten laps and a couple of pints down to five laps and no pints. I was in serious and terminal danger of stting myself, and thirty degree heat at le Mans while wearing shorts was neither the time nor the place to do it in public for the first time since the age of six.
Thankfully 4 o’clock came, the race started, and all the cars came blasting past us. I managed to get seven or eight really good photos of the wire fence by the time they all went past for the first time. Unfortunately this lack of concentration on the major issue of the day had encouraged the beast within me, and it had now produced its “get out of jail free card” and was heading for the gate with renewed vigour.
“er, just going for a st, see you at the bar !” I shouted to the rest of our group. Nobody heard, as the leaders were just coming round for lap two.
I strode off purposefully towards the Dunlop bridge, confident of coming across a toilet block within five minutes. Ten yards later the demon turd made its presence felt again, and again I slammed my ahole shut, hoping that I hadn’t beheaded the fker in the process. Drastic times mean drastic measures, and I was forced to walk like Charlie Chaplin to keep the beast at bay. By this time I was sweating like Michael Jackson at a Primary School swimming gala, and was receiving some strange looks. fk ‘em, I was on a mission, and they were probably all French anyway.
Somehow I made it to the Dunlop Bridge without stting myself, and spotted what looked like a small toilet block in the not too far distance. I grabbed my shorts, pushed my arse cheeks together with some authority, and headed for the turd oasis.
As I got closer, there appeared to be a rather long queue outside it. A quick mental calculation of a maximum of two toilets inside, a thirty person queue outside it at 5 minutes average per dump would give me 45 minute wait. There was no choice, I had to head for the stters behind the main grandstand, from memory they were about 100 yards long, and would have a quick turnaround time. Charlie Chaplin took charge again, and off I went.
I arrived about fifteen minutes later, sweat pouring off me, and not sure if I had done a certain percentage of poo in my pants already. The queue wasn’t too bad, and it was moving forward at about one person every two minutes. After a while I got to the entrance, and saw another French woman with a bowl of change, and little mounds of two or three sheets of pink toilet paper on her desk. I figured she was selling posh toilet paper so the women could pat their delicate little beavers dry after a dainty girly pee, and that there would be some industrial waxy type paper in the men’s for some serious arse wiping. I smiled condescendingly on my way past. She smiled back, obviously noticing the six inch steps I was taking, the grey face, and the rapist-like sweating going on. bh.
The mental release of being in close proximity to a porcelain palace was having a detrimental affect on my ability to control the leviathan and potentially prize winning poo. I had a tortoise head that was more like an ostrich head, and it felt like it had Arnold Schwarzenegger's neck muscles. There were seven people in front of me, and by my calculations of previous st/piss ratios and timings, I had 8.4 minutes to go. Time stood still for what seemed like half an hour, but I suddenly found myself at the front of the queue. Ominously, I was starting to develop cramp in my left arse cheek, and my right leg was starting to tremble uncontrollably. A door opened about halfway down, and a skinny French tt staggered out. The gene pool was obviously somewhat silted up when he was conceived.
Released from the starting blocks, I headed towards the cubicle like Ian Dury on speed. A five millisecond scan of the facilities revealed a proper toilet, no toilet seat though, and porcelain covered in the statutory French piss. Instantaneously I formed a plan of action : turn round, bolt the door, shorts down, and hover six inches above the bog.
I tentatively relaxed my arse muscles for the first time in approximately two hours, and felt a vacuum forming in my chest as the mother and father of all turds headed south and out quicker than Nelson Mandela on release day, and almost as smelly. After a couple of feet of steaming coil had fallen out, my arse closed with a loud fart of satisfaction, and all the stress and tension drained from my body. I smiled and awarded myself three pints of beer over and above what I felt capable of potentially drinking at any point during the next day, just like any proud father would. Mission accomplished, I looked around for the industrial toilet paper.
There were no toilet roll holders on the wall. There were no toilet rolls stacked nicely on the cistern. There was no toilet paper on the floor behind the bowl. There was a waste paper basket in the corner. Closer inspection revealed that it contained used pink toilet paper.
fk.
I was faced with three options. 1: Not wipe my arse and wander around in the blazing sun back to the tent to get toilet paper, 2: Not wipe my arse, go to the back of the queue, queue up again and buy some pink toilet paper on the way past from the smirking inbred Frenchwoman, or 3: Improvise.
It was quite tricky getting my trainers off, then my socks, without standing on the piss on the floor in my socks and then bare feet with my shorts around my knees, but somehow I made it.
I pulled the first sock onto my hand, then pulled it tight up to my elbow, and held it there with my spare hand. The sweat in the sock from the two hour route march was particularly unpleasant so I ignored it. I then gave a gentle wipe to the overworked and stressed chocolate starfish with sock number one. When the first pass was complete, I rotated the sock through 180 degrees, then repeated the process more vigorously, and then did the same with sock number two. Pity I wasn’t born with four feet.
- ******************************
The rushed arse wiping with the socks had not entirely polished my ring to its normal standards, and I was beginning to think that maybe in the same way Scrapie jumped species from sheep and manifested itself as BSE in cows, I feared that I had developed “Athletes Arse” as there was a certain degree of itchiness going on. When we got back to camp at around six, I got my roll of as yet unused Andrex out of the bag and headed for the toilet block.
The swamp monster had been replaced by a younger version with an excellent pair of tits, but the leggings made her arse look like God had once stuffed a duvet into a pillow case, then replicated it in a human being just for a laugh. Must have been the other one’s daughter. “Bon Nuit” I said cheerily as I went in for a minor bum wiping session. She gave me a funny look, so I made a mental note to check for st on the back of my legs.
Minor bum wiping session my arse. Now I know why Andrex put toilet paper on rolls rather than socks. Whilst socks feel nice and soft on your feet, wiping them across your ahole four times in anger removes approximately thirty layers of skin from it. My fking ahole was in tatters. The Andrex wasn’t sure if it was mopping up a st or a period, and I was beginning to wonder myself. Beats me how poofters go on with all those funny condoms they stick up their arses. Anyway, half a roll of Andrex later, the old ringpeice was polished to an acceptable standard, so I lobbed the rest of the roll down the hole in the long drop, as statistically I wasn’t due for another dump until Thursday. Whilst doing so, I noted that the cubicle and toilet were remarkably clean. The janitor totty must have cleaned it just before I arrived. "Must remember to compliment her on the way out" I thoughtidly to myself. I flushed the toilet, and just made it out before the overflow got to the door. Janitor totty fluttered her eyelids at me, “la merdes sont tres bon” I remarked to her in perfect French. She looked at me oddly. Bugger, I had forgotten to check for st on the back of my legs.
Turdwise, the rest of the trip went without a hitch, although the Athletes Arse didn’t dissipate. Luckily the girlfriend at the time insisted on giving me thrush twice or so a week, so when I got home I went hunting for her canasten cream (found it right next to her anti-blowjob pills), applied it to the affected area and it cleared up in a couple of days.
- ******************************
1.If you eat the spicy red sausages, make sure you eat one immodium per red sausage without fail
2. If you need a dump, go for one immediately. There will never be a better time.
3. Never wipe your arse with your socks. Try your tee shirt instead, or :
4. Carry some toilet paper with you whenever you go to the track. At worst you wont use it, at best you will go home with the same number of clothes you came with and your ahole in one piece.
5.Use the cripple toilets wherever possible. They are pretty spacious and you don’t face butt the door when attempting to remove or replace your shorts.
Your second best option is to use the women’s toilets, as they tend not to piss all over the seats.
Third best is the pub opposite the expo campsite (BYO toilet paper) or Carre Four/ Macdonalds (BYO noseclip).
Fourth best is the toilets anywhere except Expo.
Mr E said:
45 mph in a GT-Four......
....with a cat that doesn't want to be there.....
Yearly booster time for the furry killing machine that I call a cat.
Joy.
So. Find the cat.
Find the catbox.
Find the cat again.
Introduce cat to catbox.
Cat goes in the cat box quietly (this should have been a warning to me)
Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
Shut door.
Run around to drivers side, jump in and start engine.
Cat mieows.
Select reverse.
Cat explodes from catbox like that thing from Alien.
Cat runs around car shedding fur.
Open door.
Cat escapes.
Go into house and find parcel tape.
Tape box up securely.
Find the cat again.
Catch cat.
Introduce cat to catbox.
Cat goes in the cat box with a hell of a struggle.
Tape up wounds in hands.
Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
Shut door.
Run around to drivers side, jump in (engine is still running).
Select reverse and get the car off the drive.
Cat rips through parcel tape like the hulk, scaring the crap out off me.
Car runs around the car in a panic drooling and shedding fur.
Open door.
Cat escapes. Again.
Go into house and find elephant tape. (I've used this stuff to stop kayaks leaking on white water)
Tape box up securely. Then use more tape.
Then think "sod it" and use the whole roll.
Find cat again.
Tempt cat using favorite treats.
Pretty much have to saw the cats legs off in an attempt to get him into the accursed box.
Take off gardening gloves (learning from my mistakes)
Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
Shut door.
Run around to drivers side, jump in (engine has now burnt half a tank of fuel).
Get the car turned around.
Cat still in box, meiowing pathetically.
Comfort cat while driving.
Get halfway to vet.
Pointy eared escape artist does it again. This time at 40mph.
Cat runs around the car in a blind panic drooling and shedding fur.
Avoid crashing the car by about 3mm. This is not good.
Options. Stop, open door to get out and lose cat.
Or, keep driving and risk cat scratching eyes out.
Elect to take the eye scratching option. Glasses should prevent serious injury.
Cat runs around car shedding unbelieveable amounts of fur.
People giving me really funny looks.
Furry Fangio ends up sitting on my lap with two paws on the steering wheel looking out of the front window.
I'd have taken pictures, but I was rather busy at the time.
People now giving me *really* funny looks.
5 minutes pass.
Get to the vet.
Park the car.
Somehow get the car back into the box.
Get into vets rather harassed.
Nice vet takes 2 minutes to check and inject the cat.
She then spends 5 minutes helping me reinforce the cat box to get home again.
Takes 2 of us to get the cat back in the box.
Get the bill.
Stop laughing and ask for the real bill.
Get the same bill.
Pick myself up from the floor.
Pay a ton of cash for the privilage of the cat being injected.
Return to car.
Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
Shut door.
Run around to drivers side, jump in and start engine.
Cat is silent.
Think uh-oh.
Leave vet.
Cat is silent.
Get halfway home.
Cat is silent.
Worry that cat is dead.
Get home safely.
Cat is silent.
Now really worried. Has cat escaped silently? Is cat plotting revenge?
Get catbox out of car.
Open cat box.
Cat saunters out, give me a "What?" look and wanders off.
I stand there like a gibbering idiot.
Cat lies in sun.
Open beer.
Drink.
Open second beer.
Get vacuum cleaner out.
Open third beer.
Clean cat hair out of car......
He's now next to me on the sofa with his feat in the air snoring contentedly.
As much as I love him, sometimes I wish he was a goldfish.
....with a cat that doesn't want to be there.....
Yearly booster time for the furry killing machine that I call a cat.
Joy.
So. Find the cat.
Find the catbox.
Find the cat again.
Introduce cat to catbox.
Cat goes in the cat box quietly (this should have been a warning to me)
Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
Shut door.
Run around to drivers side, jump in and start engine.
Cat mieows.
Select reverse.
Cat explodes from catbox like that thing from Alien.
Cat runs around car shedding fur.
Open door.
Cat escapes.
Go into house and find parcel tape.
Tape box up securely.
Find the cat again.
Catch cat.
Introduce cat to catbox.
Cat goes in the cat box with a hell of a struggle.
Tape up wounds in hands.
Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
Shut door.
Run around to drivers side, jump in (engine is still running).
Select reverse and get the car off the drive.
Cat rips through parcel tape like the hulk, scaring the crap out off me.
Car runs around the car in a panic drooling and shedding fur.
Open door.
Cat escapes. Again.
Go into house and find elephant tape. (I've used this stuff to stop kayaks leaking on white water)
Tape box up securely. Then use more tape.
Then think "sod it" and use the whole roll.
Find cat again.
Tempt cat using favorite treats.
Pretty much have to saw the cats legs off in an attempt to get him into the accursed box.
Take off gardening gloves (learning from my mistakes)
Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
Shut door.
Run around to drivers side, jump in (engine has now burnt half a tank of fuel).
Get the car turned around.
Cat still in box, meiowing pathetically.
Comfort cat while driving.
Get halfway to vet.
Pointy eared escape artist does it again. This time at 40mph.
Cat runs around the car in a blind panic drooling and shedding fur.
Avoid crashing the car by about 3mm. This is not good.
Options. Stop, open door to get out and lose cat.
Or, keep driving and risk cat scratching eyes out.
Elect to take the eye scratching option. Glasses should prevent serious injury.
Cat runs around car shedding unbelieveable amounts of fur.
People giving me really funny looks.
Furry Fangio ends up sitting on my lap with two paws on the steering wheel looking out of the front window.
I'd have taken pictures, but I was rather busy at the time.
People now giving me *really* funny looks.
5 minutes pass.
Get to the vet.
Park the car.
Somehow get the car back into the box.
Get into vets rather harassed.
Nice vet takes 2 minutes to check and inject the cat.
She then spends 5 minutes helping me reinforce the cat box to get home again.
Takes 2 of us to get the cat back in the box.
Get the bill.
Stop laughing and ask for the real bill.
Get the same bill.
Pick myself up from the floor.
Pay a ton of cash for the privilage of the cat being injected.
Return to car.
Open door and place catbox in passenger footwell.
Shut door.
Run around to drivers side, jump in and start engine.
Cat is silent.
Think uh-oh.
Leave vet.
Cat is silent.
Get halfway home.
Cat is silent.
Worry that cat is dead.
Get home safely.
Cat is silent.
Now really worried. Has cat escaped silently? Is cat plotting revenge?
Get catbox out of car.
Open cat box.
Cat saunters out, give me a "What?" look and wanders off.
I stand there like a gibbering idiot.
Cat lies in sun.
Open beer.
Drink.
Open second beer.
Get vacuum cleaner out.
Open third beer.
Clean cat hair out of car......
He's now next to me on the sofa with his feat in the air snoring contentedly.
As much as I love him, sometimes I wish he was a goldfish.
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