I am getting bad vibes
Discussion
I know we all suffer the 'dates not mates' syndrome when a mate finds a woman but I am getting some worrying vibes about my brother in law. I might be getting overly worried but it goes like this:
Brother in law is a single 50 year old man. Good job, own house, pension and wide circle of friends from school, work and through his interests in footy, walking, bird watching. An on-off relationship with a nice woman and her two teenage kids for whom he has pretty much been father for the past 15 years. She was never going to make it permananent, which was sad, but he got the family experience at Christmas etc. and the occasional night of passion. the kids openlyu regard him as 'Dad'.
Then...
12 months ago he met a woman 19 years his junior with two kids living in grotty rented accomodation. Three months later she is pregant, baby born a few weeks ago. She has moved in with him with the kids. Wedding planned for April. So far, cool. He has the family he has always wanted.
But some things have started to worry me. Firstly he is cut off immediately and completely from the old girlfriend (fair enough) but also her kids. They got a text messaging saying not to contact him again as he has a new family to focus on. He is a nice guy and treating them like this is out of character. His facebook account is closed and a new joint Facebook account is opened, which most of his old friends are not on. When you send him a message, most of the time she replies. His house was too small so he went to his Dad and got £80k to move to a bigger house, then to me and my wife for another £35k. Still cool, it is his inheritance, although his father is alive and well and living with me. When he asks for the money (by text message) I invite him to the house to talk through the finances, quite specifically on his own as I have to discuss my own finances to agree the £35k and he pitches up with her in tow. In fact we haven't seen him on his own since October 2015. He has put her name on the new house paperwork and pension. She tells us she is a vicar's daughter, turn out he was a lay preacher of unknown background (she couldn't even say which denomination he was) and she is very vague about her past. She has never worked but has has quite expesive tastes in food and clothes. Until the baby was born most weekends )when the kids were at their dads) were spent eating and shopping with his money. They have a big white wedding planned for which he intends to borrow the money.
But the most worrying thing is how he is treating his father and sister (my wife). Having emptied our coffers we never see him unless he is collecting parcels (he has always used our address for deliveries) when he stays for less than a minute. She sits in the car with the kids. His dad hasn't been too well of late and we called him saying he had been to the hospital for tests; he said he would pop around yesterday. Yesterday he posted on facebook that they were having lunch in a pub less than a amile away (nice picture of his pudding) ..no visit. We had a similar experience a few months ago on his mother's birthday who died 2 years ago, no visit despite me reminding him of the date and that he dad may need his support on the day.
I am in four minds;
1) he has a new, happy and busy life and can't fit it all in
2) she is cutting us off from him and others (possibly insecure?)
3) he has become a knob overnight
4) I need to take a chill pill and be more supportive
Which is it?
Brother in law is a single 50 year old man. Good job, own house, pension and wide circle of friends from school, work and through his interests in footy, walking, bird watching. An on-off relationship with a nice woman and her two teenage kids for whom he has pretty much been father for the past 15 years. She was never going to make it permananent, which was sad, but he got the family experience at Christmas etc. and the occasional night of passion. the kids openlyu regard him as 'Dad'.
Then...
12 months ago he met a woman 19 years his junior with two kids living in grotty rented accomodation. Three months later she is pregant, baby born a few weeks ago. She has moved in with him with the kids. Wedding planned for April. So far, cool. He has the family he has always wanted.
But some things have started to worry me. Firstly he is cut off immediately and completely from the old girlfriend (fair enough) but also her kids. They got a text messaging saying not to contact him again as he has a new family to focus on. He is a nice guy and treating them like this is out of character. His facebook account is closed and a new joint Facebook account is opened, which most of his old friends are not on. When you send him a message, most of the time she replies. His house was too small so he went to his Dad and got £80k to move to a bigger house, then to me and my wife for another £35k. Still cool, it is his inheritance, although his father is alive and well and living with me. When he asks for the money (by text message) I invite him to the house to talk through the finances, quite specifically on his own as I have to discuss my own finances to agree the £35k and he pitches up with her in tow. In fact we haven't seen him on his own since October 2015. He has put her name on the new house paperwork and pension. She tells us she is a vicar's daughter, turn out he was a lay preacher of unknown background (she couldn't even say which denomination he was) and she is very vague about her past. She has never worked but has has quite expesive tastes in food and clothes. Until the baby was born most weekends )when the kids were at their dads) were spent eating and shopping with his money. They have a big white wedding planned for which he intends to borrow the money.
But the most worrying thing is how he is treating his father and sister (my wife). Having emptied our coffers we never see him unless he is collecting parcels (he has always used our address for deliveries) when he stays for less than a minute. She sits in the car with the kids. His dad hasn't been too well of late and we called him saying he had been to the hospital for tests; he said he would pop around yesterday. Yesterday he posted on facebook that they were having lunch in a pub less than a amile away (nice picture of his pudding) ..no visit. We had a similar experience a few months ago on his mother's birthday who died 2 years ago, no visit despite me reminding him of the date and that he dad may need his support on the day.
I am in four minds;
1) he has a new, happy and busy life and can't fit it all in
2) she is cutting us off from him and others (possibly insecure?)
3) he has become a knob overnight
4) I need to take a chill pill and be more supportive
Which is it?
I give it about two years and then she'll find a younger model and do,the same again.
Although some guys are happy with the short term relationships. A chap who used to visit my pub (he is dead now) had flings with multiple women young enough to be his grand daughters (biggest age gap was 60years). I asked him once if he'd have been happier settling down and his response was "I like the different pussy"
I guess the TOWIE types get old one day
Although some guys are happy with the short term relationships. A chap who used to visit my pub (he is dead now) had flings with multiple women young enough to be his grand daughters (biggest age gap was 60years). I asked him once if he'd have been happier settling down and his response was "I like the different pussy"
I guess the TOWIE types get old one day
No. 2
Seen this happen to my (ex) best mate.
SWT of a girlfriend got her claws (can snakes have claws? Fangs, then) into him and I watched her remove every one of his friends and family from him one at a time, including me. It seems he is now "allowed" to be in touch with his immediate family, about 15 years down the line.
Also: no pregnancy at the time; I did mention to him that with what she was doing she must be a REALLY good shag, and was told actually that hardly ever happens due to "issues" from previous relationships.
Sometimes it's just impossible to help people and you have to let them live their own life and make their ownmistakes choices.
Seen this happen to my (ex) best mate.
SWT of a girlfriend got her claws (can snakes have claws? Fangs, then) into him and I watched her remove every one of his friends and family from him one at a time, including me. It seems he is now "allowed" to be in touch with his immediate family, about 15 years down the line.
Also: no pregnancy at the time; I did mention to him that with what she was doing she must be a REALLY good shag, and was told actually that hardly ever happens due to "issues" from previous relationships.
Sometimes it's just impossible to help people and you have to let them live their own life and make their own
Being totally brutal, you need to look after yourself and your family. You made him a personal loan, he has manifestly changed the terms of that loan without your consent by conducting a deal that sees 50% of his assets (what you have lent against) now being under the control of a third party.
Don't concern yourself over any of the other details as it's all his life to live but you want to be only focussed on your £35k and the new reality that there is now a very significant likelihood that you won't be seeing it again and that it will cause a huge rift between your family and your wife's.
As an absolute priority you want a legal lien on his property ASAP to protect your money so that if his finances suddenly deteriorate you are legally inline for a return of the loan upon the forced sale of the property. At the same time, formalise the legal terms of the repayment schedule and terms.
In short, your loan has been manifestly changed from a family affair into a pure business transaction by his actions. He needs to be made to understand that he had no right to actually do what he has done without protecting and ring fencing his creditors first. His creditworthiness has just crashed enormously.
What formal documentation do you currently have to cover the terms of the £35?
Don't concern yourself over any of the other details as it's all his life to live but you want to be only focussed on your £35k and the new reality that there is now a very significant likelihood that you won't be seeing it again and that it will cause a huge rift between your family and your wife's.
As an absolute priority you want a legal lien on his property ASAP to protect your money so that if his finances suddenly deteriorate you are legally inline for a return of the loan upon the forced sale of the property. At the same time, formalise the legal terms of the repayment schedule and terms.
In short, your loan has been manifestly changed from a family affair into a pure business transaction by his actions. He needs to be made to understand that he had no right to actually do what he has done without protecting and ring fencing his creditors first. His creditworthiness has just crashed enormously.
What formal documentation do you currently have to cover the terms of the £35?
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