Relationship ramble...any input?
Discussion
designforlife said:
We had a minor argument when i visited her on tour, i hadn't seen her for a few weeks, and got a little emotional due to a couple of issues we had about her going out all night and AWOL on text messages until 5/6am...a relatively new habit.
Maybe its just me, but if my missus was going out for say a Hen Do or similar (so away from me/not coming home etc, like when yours is on tour), i wouldnt expect her to send me text updates all night. I'd have a few beers, play on the Xbox till 11pm, go to sleep & wake up at 9am. If she texted me at 3am id probably be miffed that she woke me up 
For me, it seems like you are perhaps a little insecure & have therefore instigated the issues you have now, ie she doesnt think you trust her, which naturally with her working away all the time will make her think "if i have to let him know what im doing all the time, wtf, i cant be bothered". Its a bit like meeting someone in the army, then saying after 3 years "i dont like you being in the army, can you change jobs?" - umm no, you knew what i did before we got here.
Edited by Sir_Dave on Friday 2nd December 11:00
Toyoda said:
It's cards on the table time then. At 32 and 30 you're not teenagers so no reason why after 2 years you shouldn't be talking about what you want out of life - buying a house/marriage/kids etc... if you haven't already discussed these.
If she starts spouting womanese like 'I'm so confused' etc then you know what to do.
well this is it, we had discussed these things, and were/are saving for a flat together.If she starts spouting womanese like 'I'm so confused' etc then you know what to do.
Thats one of the reasons that i feel like her current actions are coming out of nowhere.
She claims she hasn't been honest with herself about her feelings for me, and that she feels shes doing things in the relationship for my happiness rather than hers.
If that isn't writing on the wall, i don't know what is. But i don't think she truly knows what she wants right now, hence the freaking out.
sounds like someone else might be stealing the limelight and may have gained a backstage pass to her box and be gaining progress in earning their brown wings. That's right, he's behind you, deep in the royal box.
theatrical puns aside- or stage left anyway- grow up about texting. who cares if someone isn't replying straight away.
If my wife goes out with the girls, I'm not bothered if she isn't replying to me all night long.
theatrical puns aside- or stage left anyway- grow up about texting. who cares if someone isn't replying straight away.
If my wife goes out with the girls, I'm not bothered if she isn't replying to me all night long.
Sir_Dave said:
Maybe its just me, but if my missus was going out for say a Hen Do or similar (so away from me/not coming home etc, like when yours is on tour), i wouldnt expect her to send me text updates all night. I'd have a few beers, play on the Xbox till 11pm, go to sleep & wake up at 9am. If she texted me at 3am id probably be miffed that she woke me up
For me, it seems like you are perhaps a little insecure & have therefore instigated the issues you have now, ie she doesnt think you trust her, which naturally with her working away all the time will make her think "if i have to let him know what im doing all the time, wtf, i cant be bothered". Its a bit like meeting someone in the army, then saying after 3 years "i dont like you being in the army, can you change jobs?" - umm no, you knew what i did before we got here.
understandable, but for 3 prior tours and a year and a half her comms have always been brilliant, and thats her ringing me out of the blue, chatting a lot on whatsapp etc. its one of the reasons we've both been able to make the relationship work around her job, and its always been a 50/50 thing in terms of effort.For me, it seems like you are perhaps a little insecure & have therefore instigated the issues you have now, ie she doesnt think you trust her, which naturally with her working away all the time will make her think "if i have to let him know what im doing all the time, wtf, i cant be bothered". Its a bit like meeting someone in the army, then saying after 3 years "i dont like you being in the army, can you change jobs?" - umm no, you knew what i did before we got here.
Edited by Sir_Dave on Friday 2nd December 11:00
her recent behaviour of disappearing for several hours at a time in the middle of the night is out of character...i never had full on chats while she was doing her social stuff, but she would at least say what her plans were, or message when she got home.
i've also never asked or pressed her to change career, thats always something thats come from her, would be massively unfair of me to expect that of her.
Sounds to me like she's bored.
She's touring around, working hard, partying, camaraderie etc...This is 90% of her life. Then she swops hat's for a couple of days a days a month...In between making sure she drops you a hello text to keep you both sweet... It upsets her routine.
I've no doubt she loves you and wants a life with you outside of touring but maybe she's realised she can't have both.
But nothing will help you understand the situation more than an honest conversation. If she's being vague then press her....You've given up and invested a lot over 2 years so you deserve to know exactly what's going on.
She's touring around, working hard, partying, camaraderie etc...This is 90% of her life. Then she swops hat's for a couple of days a days a month...In between making sure she drops you a hello text to keep you both sweet... It upsets her routine.
I've no doubt she loves you and wants a life with you outside of touring but maybe she's realised she can't have both.
But nothing will help you understand the situation more than an honest conversation. If she's being vague then press her....You've given up and invested a lot over 2 years so you deserve to know exactly what's going on.
Mr Roper said:
Sounds to me like she's bored.
She's touring around, working hard, partying, camaraderie etc...This is 90% of her life. Then she swops hat's for a couple of days a days a month...In between making sure she drops you a hello text to keep you both sweet... It upsets her routine.
I've no doubt she loves you and wants a life with you outside of touring but maybe she's realised she can't have both.
But nothing will help you understand the situation more than an honest conversation. If she's being vague then press her....You've given up and invested a lot over 2 years so you deserve to know exactly what's going on.
Sunday's plan...I will update the thread after that.She's touring around, working hard, partying, camaraderie etc...This is 90% of her life. Then she swops hat's for a couple of days a days a month...In between making sure she drops you a hello text to keep you both sweet... It upsets her routine.
I've no doubt she loves you and wants a life with you outside of touring but maybe she's realised she can't have both.
But nothing will help you understand the situation more than an honest conversation. If she's being vague then press her....You've given up and invested a lot over 2 years so you deserve to know exactly what's going on.
OP, I've seen both sides of this coin. My GF went away to Uni 200 miles away, I remained working in our home city. For 2 years we did the long distance thing and were very happy. Then she started going distant and AWOL, turns out there was another bloke on the scene paying her more attention than I could midweek.
We broke up but after a few montha apart realised we'd both made mistakes, missed each other, got back together. Very happy then for another three years, everything 'normal' then I had my head turned by a friend of a friend. I went distant and AWOL on her, cue messy break-up and not seen her since.
It sounds to me from the comfort of my keyboard that there may be someone else treading her boards, so to speak. Not intending this as a criticism because I've been this person myself, but perhaps she's not 'man' (ok, 'woman') enough to be entirely honest with you whilst testing the water elsewhere.
We broke up but after a few montha apart realised we'd both made mistakes, missed each other, got back together. Very happy then for another three years, everything 'normal' then I had my head turned by a friend of a friend. I went distant and AWOL on her, cue messy break-up and not seen her since.
It sounds to me from the comfort of my keyboard that there may be someone else treading her boards, so to speak. Not intending this as a criticism because I've been this person myself, but perhaps she's not 'man' (ok, 'woman') enough to be entirely honest with you whilst testing the water elsewhere.
Mr Roper said:
Sounds to me like she's bored.
She's touring around, working hard, partying, camaraderie etc...This is 90% of her life. Then she swops hat's for a couple of days a days a month...In between making sure she drops you a hello text to keep you both sweet... It upsets her routine.
I've no doubt she loves you and wants a life with you outside of touring but maybe she's realised she can't have both.
But nothing will help you understand the situation more than an honest conversation. If she's being vague then press her....You've given up and invested a lot over 2 years so you deserve to know exactly what's going on.
WTF's happened to you all of a sudden?She's touring around, working hard, partying, camaraderie etc...This is 90% of her life. Then she swops hat's for a couple of days a days a month...In between making sure she drops you a hello text to keep you both sweet... It upsets her routine.
I've no doubt she loves you and wants a life with you outside of touring but maybe she's realised she can't have both.
But nothing will help you understand the situation more than an honest conversation. If she's being vague then press her....You've given up and invested a lot over 2 years so you deserve to know exactly what's going on.
Adenauer said:
Mr Roper said:
Sounds to me like she's bored.
She's touring around, working hard, partying, camaraderie etc...This is 90% of her life. Then she swops hat's for a couple of days a days a month...In between making sure she drops you a hello text to keep you both sweet... It upsets her routine.
I've no doubt she loves you and wants a life with you outside of touring but maybe she's realised she can't have both.
But nothing will help you understand the situation more than an honest conversation. If she's being vague then press her....You've given up and invested a lot over 2 years so you deserve to know exactly what's going on.
WTF's happened to you all of a sudden?She's touring around, working hard, partying, camaraderie etc...This is 90% of her life. Then she swops hat's for a couple of days a days a month...In between making sure she drops you a hello text to keep you both sweet... It upsets her routine.
I've no doubt she loves you and wants a life with you outside of touring but maybe she's realised she can't have both.
But nothing will help you understand the situation more than an honest conversation. If she's being vague then press her....You've given up and invested a lot over 2 years so you deserve to know exactly what's going on.
designforlife said:
hornetrider said:
Sounds like this monkey has another tree.
It's possible, but unlikely, her moral standards regarding this are pretty high...I'm not saying she's infallible, but shes been cheated on a few times and absolutely abhors it. I've never had trust issues with her, or been given any reason to.
I went through something very similar only over a much shorter time period, a few days after 7 years. Strikingly similar actually.
I can imagine it being spread over 3 or 4 weeks is very tough. It sounds like you are preparing your self for it to be over.
If you think she wants to go, ask her and see what she says. In my case the answer was 'no' but it was all over a day later . . .
I can imagine it being spread over 3 or 4 weeks is very tough. It sounds like you are preparing your self for it to be over.
If you think she wants to go, ask her and see what she says. In my case the answer was 'no' but it was all over a day later . . .
designforlife said:
well this is it, we had discussed these things, and were/are saving for a flat together.
Thats one of the reasons that i feel like her current actions are coming out of nowhere
She claims she hasn't been honest with herself about her feelings for me, and that she feels shes doing things in the relationship for my happiness rather than hers.
If that isn't writing on the wall, i don't know what is. But i don't think she truly knows what she wants right now, hence the freaking out.
I doubt they're 'coming out of nowhere', and I suspect that she does know what she wants... Sorry.Thats one of the reasons that i feel like her current actions are coming out of nowhere
She claims she hasn't been honest with herself about her feelings for me, and that she feels shes doing things in the relationship for my happiness rather than hers.
If that isn't writing on the wall, i don't know what is. But i don't think she truly knows what she wants right now, hence the freaking out.
I dated someone last year who was a commitmentphobe. The ironic thing for me is that I am one of the world's worst commitmentphobes myself so its perhaps payback that I fell for someone who was equally scared of settling down. Similarly, although not "touring", she worked all round the country and Europe and so we could only steal the odd evening or weekend here and there. She loved her job and there was no way she would be giving that up but it was clear it didn't fit in the context of a relationship and I think it was clear she had an underlying ideology that she couldn't commit to someone whilst maintaining that lifestyle. Indeed, she may well have been right. We were very much right for each other in all senses but she walked away based on the fact she simply couldn't commit in the life she led and was concerned in getting in too deep. It was very much the case that she had to exercise a control over her relationships rather than to allow them to become anything deeper. Perhaps alarm bells should have rung at a stunning 38 year old who had never been married as to her ability to engage in anything longstanding.
Jobs such as the one your other half does are great when you are single. They are very hard on those in relationships. Any weakness will be exploited and it is perhaps only the most committed that survive those circumstances. Quite often a degree of flexing and compromise is necessary from both parties and it doesn't sound as though she is committed enough to want to do that. If anything, it sounds as though she is pushing away from the relationship in taking steps backwards (such as not contacting you when going AWOL) than making steps forward to offer a more "together" lifestyle.
Jobs such as the one your other half does are great when you are single. They are very hard on those in relationships. Any weakness will be exploited and it is perhaps only the most committed that survive those circumstances. Quite often a degree of flexing and compromise is necessary from both parties and it doesn't sound as though she is committed enough to want to do that. If anything, it sounds as though she is pushing away from the relationship in taking steps backwards (such as not contacting you when going AWOL) than making steps forward to offer a more "together" lifestyle.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff