Relationship ramble...any input?
Discussion
Toyoda said:
It's cards on the table time then. At 32 and 30 you're not teenagers so no reason why after 2 years you shouldn't be talking about what you want out of life - buying a house/marriage/kids etc... if you haven't already discussed these.
If she starts spouting womanese like 'I'm so confused' etc then you know what to do.
Very much this, unfortunately my best friend is going through this with his wife.If she starts spouting womanese like 'I'm so confused' etc then you know what to do.
he's 29 and she's 26, been together about 7 years married too.
They had great lives ahead of them, a couple of properties and plans for kids in the new year.
3 months ago she move out claiming she didn't know what she wanted, blamed him for really minor pointless things (like taking too long to built the decking in the back garden)
They've done marriage counselling but she's trotting out the whole "I'm confused" angle
She kept it all completely hidden, none of us had an idea she was unhappy with the relationship not even my partner who's her best friend!
You really can't work out a womans logic via a bloke mind, it just can't be done.
OP set out your stall, you're old enough and secure enough to say what you want, if she's not ready then you may need to call it quits.
Beat her to the inevitable punch.
As hard as it is, you end the relationship, not her, and cite giving her the space/time she apparently needs.
Even though it'll be tough you'll have made the decision which, when you're feeling crap, will provide some moral fortitude.
Then, get out there and enjoy the xmas parties, snowboarding etc. Your sport sounds like there would be ample places and opportunities around the world to meet someone else.
But don't go looking; it always happens when you least expect it.
Good luck for the future OP.
As hard as it is, you end the relationship, not her, and cite giving her the space/time she apparently needs.
Even though it'll be tough you'll have made the decision which, when you're feeling crap, will provide some moral fortitude.
Then, get out there and enjoy the xmas parties, snowboarding etc. Your sport sounds like there would be ample places and opportunities around the world to meet someone else.
But don't go looking; it always happens when you least expect it.
Good luck for the future OP.
DrSteveBrule said:
Beat her to the inevitable punch.
As hard as it is, you end the relationship, not her, and cite giving her the space/time she apparently needs.
Even though it'll be tough you'll have made the decision which, when you're feeling crap, will provide some moral fortitude.
Then, get out there and enjoy the xmas parties, snowboarding etc. Your sport sounds like there would be ample places and opportunities around the world to meet someone else.
But don't go looking; it always happens when you least expect it.
Good luck for the future OP.
Thats the best advice i've seen yet on a relationship thread.As hard as it is, you end the relationship, not her, and cite giving her the space/time she apparently needs.
Even though it'll be tough you'll have made the decision which, when you're feeling crap, will provide some moral fortitude.
Then, get out there and enjoy the xmas parties, snowboarding etc. Your sport sounds like there would be ample places and opportunities around the world to meet someone else.
But don't go looking; it always happens when you least expect it.
Good luck for the future OP.
If you really love someone you can get far too clingy and too demanding of their time and attention. This can make the other person back off and become more distant because they feel smothered, which of course makes you try even harder to get their complete focus. And so on and so on.
If there is an imbalance like this in the relationship it usually gets wider. The other option is for you to just start caring less - but that's impossible if you are head over heels with her.
On top of this, if she is having a wobble, you getting all demanding and desperate ain't going to help, but it will make it harder for her to be truthful with you.
Sad thing is that if you were to go all distant on her and start posting on Facebook about how much of blast you were having with your palls when she is away, she'd soon start paying you more attention.
Oh and chicks cheat just as much (or more) as guys do in my experience, even the really nice, caring, well mannered girls.
If there is an imbalance like this in the relationship it usually gets wider. The other option is for you to just start caring less - but that's impossible if you are head over heels with her.
On top of this, if she is having a wobble, you getting all demanding and desperate ain't going to help, but it will make it harder for her to be truthful with you.
Sad thing is that if you were to go all distant on her and start posting on Facebook about how much of blast you were having with your palls when she is away, she'd soon start paying you more attention.
Oh and chicks cheat just as much (or more) as guys do in my experience, even the really nice, caring, well mannered girls.
designforlife said:
I'm 32, I've been with a girl for the last 2 years, she's 30. We met through snowboarding, and literally could not have more in common...never really argue, and always have a laugh together, i've had a few long term relationships, and the connection we share eclipses all of those significantly.
Here's the rub, she works in theatre, so when touring, has been away for weeks at a time, however she makes every effort to come and see me, and vice versa. so we still manage to see each other most weekends...i won't deny it's made for tough going at my end at times.
I always accepted this because she's the "right" girl for me, and over the course of the last couple of years i've emotionally invested in her considerably.
As the relationship progressed she has talked about getting out of theatre, and we actually went to a nursing college open day back in september, this was under no pressure from me, and was a decision made by her.
We also talked and decided to start saving for a place together around 4 months back.
Basically everything has been going really well...until 3 weeks ago.
We had a minor argument when i visited her on tour, i hadn't seen her for a few weeks, and got a little emotional due to a couple of issues we had about her going out all night and AWOL on text messages until 5/6am...a relatively new habit.
I felt better for getting it out, and we seemed to resolve things, but then over the coming days and weeks she became distant and busier, and just wasnt her usual self...she maintained that i had "spooked" her by getting upset, and she assured me she would be ok.
This steadily gets worse, we see each other on the weekends but it becomes apparent that shes burying her head in the sand about whatevers bothering her, and throwing herself into her work, fully walled up, won't really engage when i try to talk to her.
This week (her final one on tour) she has finally started addressing things, and slowly opening up...it turns out that she's been having a major commitment freakout over our future plans, and also in her feelings for me, apparently i'm more emotionally invested than her and shes confused about her feelings/doesn't know what she wants, she feels like she hasn't been totally honest with herself and has been doing things in the relationship to make me happy rather than herself...she says she still loves me, whatever that counts for.
so timescale wise things have gone from fine to f
ked in 3 short weeks. I'm in shellshock, she's one of the most straightforward and upfront people i've ever met, doesn't play games, and isn't emotionally driven in times of stress...this is all way out of character, and i honestly didn't see it coming.
She was a little emotionally cagey at the start of the relationship, but settled naturally and i've never at any moment thought that she has been false with me in terms of her feelings...and in terms of future commitments, i never pressed things, it came from her too.
I've had two 5 year+ long term relationships, so i'm no stranger to the usual ups and downs, but i can't help feeling she's trying to cut and run for no obvious reason.
Any thoughts or personal experiences?
We are seeing each other this weekend and hopefully i'll find out which direction this is going (feels like 1 of 2 ways really), whatever happens, the landscape of the relationship will change, and i'll have to set aside our previous plans if we are to see how it goes. I don't want to lose her, but i'm all too aware of the folly of staying in a relationship that's going nowhere.
^ Always a tell-tale sign there's someone else on the scene. She's banging someone else or is in the process of progressing to that. All the rest is just fluff and excuses. She'll never admit it if you ask her outright but I'll bet you any money you want that's what's happening while you're out of the way.Here's the rub, she works in theatre, so when touring, has been away for weeks at a time, however she makes every effort to come and see me, and vice versa. so we still manage to see each other most weekends...i won't deny it's made for tough going at my end at times.
I always accepted this because she's the "right" girl for me, and over the course of the last couple of years i've emotionally invested in her considerably.
As the relationship progressed she has talked about getting out of theatre, and we actually went to a nursing college open day back in september, this was under no pressure from me, and was a decision made by her.
We also talked and decided to start saving for a place together around 4 months back.
Basically everything has been going really well...until 3 weeks ago.
We had a minor argument when i visited her on tour, i hadn't seen her for a few weeks, and got a little emotional due to a couple of issues we had about her going out all night and AWOL on text messages until 5/6am...a relatively new habit.
I felt better for getting it out, and we seemed to resolve things, but then over the coming days and weeks she became distant and busier, and just wasnt her usual self...she maintained that i had "spooked" her by getting upset, and she assured me she would be ok.
This steadily gets worse, we see each other on the weekends but it becomes apparent that shes burying her head in the sand about whatevers bothering her, and throwing herself into her work, fully walled up, won't really engage when i try to talk to her.
This week (her final one on tour) she has finally started addressing things, and slowly opening up...it turns out that she's been having a major commitment freakout over our future plans, and also in her feelings for me, apparently i'm more emotionally invested than her and shes confused about her feelings/doesn't know what she wants, she feels like she hasn't been totally honest with herself and has been doing things in the relationship to make me happy rather than herself...she says she still loves me, whatever that counts for.
so timescale wise things have gone from fine to f
ked in 3 short weeks. I'm in shellshock, she's one of the most straightforward and upfront people i've ever met, doesn't play games, and isn't emotionally driven in times of stress...this is all way out of character, and i honestly didn't see it coming.She was a little emotionally cagey at the start of the relationship, but settled naturally and i've never at any moment thought that she has been false with me in terms of her feelings...and in terms of future commitments, i never pressed things, it came from her too.
I've had two 5 year+ long term relationships, so i'm no stranger to the usual ups and downs, but i can't help feeling she's trying to cut and run for no obvious reason.
Any thoughts or personal experiences?
We are seeing each other this weekend and hopefully i'll find out which direction this is going (feels like 1 of 2 ways really), whatever happens, the landscape of the relationship will change, and i'll have to set aside our previous plans if we are to see how it goes. I don't want to lose her, but i'm all too aware of the folly of staying in a relationship that's going nowhere.
All that jazz said:
^ Always a tell-tale sign there's someone else on the scene. She's banging someone else or is in the process of progressing to that. All the rest is just fluff and excuses. She'll never admit it if you ask her outright but I'll bet you any money you want that's what's happening while you're out of the way.
I'd love the OP to reply to this saying "OK, I'll bet you £100K. Do it properly, we'll both lodge £100K with an independent third party and the winner takes the lot."You'd bloody s
t yourself.Complete guesswork dressed up as facts. And like with any guesswork, sometimes it'll be the right guess. And then idiots run around saying "I told you so."
PurpleTurtle said:
OP, I've seen both sides of this coin. My GF went away to Uni 200 miles away, I remained working in our home city. For 2 years we did the long distance thing and were very happy. Then she started going distant and AWOL, turns out there was another bloke on the scene paying her more attention than I could midweek.
We broke up but after a few montha apart realised we'd both made mistakes, missed each other, got back together. Very happy then for another three years, everything 'normal' then I had my head turned by a friend of a friend. I went distant and AWOL on her, cue messy break-up and not seen her since.
It sounds to me from the comfort of my keyboard that there may be someone else treading her boards, so to speak. Not intending this as a criticism because I've been this person myself, but perhaps she's not 'man' (ok, 'woman') enough to be entirely honest with you whilst testing the water elsewhere.
Just want to re-affirm to the OP that there probably isn't someone else on the scene.We broke up but after a few montha apart realised we'd both made mistakes, missed each other, got back together. Very happy then for another three years, everything 'normal' then I had my head turned by a friend of a friend. I went distant and AWOL on her, cue messy break-up and not seen her since.
It sounds to me from the comfort of my keyboard that there may be someone else treading her boards, so to speak. Not intending this as a criticism because I've been this person myself, but perhaps she's not 'man' (ok, 'woman') enough to be entirely honest with you whilst testing the water elsewhere.
HOWEVER there may be. Women (and men) are liable for that... attention elsewhere...
I would be pretty abrupt. Point out to her you want to make the relationship work, ask her to talk about her concerns, express yours (eg about her lack of commitment, behavioural change in terms of not replying to messages etc). See where you come out.
I honestly don't think how long distance things work really. There are exceptions of course but we require companionship and you're not really getting that seeing someone a couple of times a week after a few years together.
It's early days for me and my mrs but we started going out on late May early June... by the middle of June we were spending every night together. We both do whatever we can to avoid nights apart. EG I drove back from Liverpool despite needing to go back the next day (400 mile round trip), she got home from a concert at 2am still drove back to my place at the time.
October we got the keys to our own place.
I can totally understand how you are feeling. She has either found a new guy who is "friends" or she is genuinely feeling a bit confused and scared as she would leave her on the road lifestyle and shack up effectively... can be a shock to her.
I wouldn't suggest digging your heels in too much. If she doesn't want to work with it then I would suggest moving along fairly quickly for your own sanity.
I went through almost this exact situation a couple of months ago although being a bit younger.
Very close, more or less ideal woman, beautiful, intelligent etc etc but she got an awesome job in London, I travel 3/4 days a week around the UK for work so generally saw her at the weekend then popped home for a few hours for some clothes and went to work.
The plan, me being emotionally invested and thinking about a future (living together, buying somewhere, blah blah), was for me to move to London, and everything was great until I actually started viewing places and was ready to move... then the distance started.
One weekend I was with her and felt the coldness so asked her what was going on. Slightly complicated that she suffers depression and anxiety and drifts away for a day or two quite often but let's put that aside.
She said she wasn;t sure what was going on with her and that she thinks I'm perfect and she's really lucky but she's so overwhelmed with having moved, having no money, working too much, adjusting to a new city... This half explained it but put all the doubts in my mind about whether I should be committing to moving 400 miles if she was gonna lose it.
Then the next weekend I felt the same coldness, asked all the questions, got the same answers and decided to head home to spend a couple days with family since I hadn't seen them for more than a couple of hours in the last month.
Then it came... 3AM on a Wednesday text that she's not happy and feels guilty that she's not ready to commit. Well if she's not then there's no fking way I'm moving there just to be further from my family, clients, friends...
Shame.
OP, best of luck with it all, all you can really do is completely air everything, empty your head with what YOU want from the relationship and remember that no matter how perfect she seems, if she doesn't want the same future as you then she's only 90%.
And if she hates the Eunos/MX5 then it's a bad sign, this one did too...
Very close, more or less ideal woman, beautiful, intelligent etc etc but she got an awesome job in London, I travel 3/4 days a week around the UK for work so generally saw her at the weekend then popped home for a few hours for some clothes and went to work.
The plan, me being emotionally invested and thinking about a future (living together, buying somewhere, blah blah), was for me to move to London, and everything was great until I actually started viewing places and was ready to move... then the distance started.
One weekend I was with her and felt the coldness so asked her what was going on. Slightly complicated that she suffers depression and anxiety and drifts away for a day or two quite often but let's put that aside.
She said she wasn;t sure what was going on with her and that she thinks I'm perfect and she's really lucky but she's so overwhelmed with having moved, having no money, working too much, adjusting to a new city... This half explained it but put all the doubts in my mind about whether I should be committing to moving 400 miles if she was gonna lose it.
Then the next weekend I felt the same coldness, asked all the questions, got the same answers and decided to head home to spend a couple days with family since I hadn't seen them for more than a couple of hours in the last month.
Then it came... 3AM on a Wednesday text that she's not happy and feels guilty that she's not ready to commit. Well if she's not then there's no f
king way I'm moving there just to be further from my family, clients, friends...Shame.
OP, best of luck with it all, all you can really do is completely air everything, empty your head with what YOU want from the relationship and remember that no matter how perfect she seems, if she doesn't want the same future as you then she's only 90%.
And if she hates the Eunos/MX5 then it's a bad sign, this one did too...
OP
All you can do is talk to her about it and go from there. Be prepared for heartache though it sounds like your being pretty sensible.
She has her reasons whatever they maybe, you might have to put up with never really knowing possibly. Try and carry on with your life as normally as you can (i.e. don't obsess about it/her) and keep yourself busy work and socially wise.
All you can do is talk to her about it and go from there. Be prepared for heartache though it sounds like your being pretty sensible.
She has her reasons whatever they maybe, you might have to put up with never really knowing possibly. Try and carry on with your life as normally as you can (i.e. don't obsess about it/her) and keep yourself busy work and socially wise.
Budflicker said:
DrSteveBrule said:
Beat her to the inevitable punch.
As hard as it is, you end the relationship, not her, and cite giving her the space/time she apparently needs.
Even though it'll be tough you'll have made the decision which, when you're feeling crap, will provide some moral fortitude.
Then, get out there and enjoy the xmas parties, snowboarding etc. Your sport sounds like there would be ample places and opportunities around the world to meet someone else.
But don't go looking; it always happens when you least expect it.
Good luck for the future OP.
Thats the best advice i've seen yet on a relationship thread.As hard as it is, you end the relationship, not her, and cite giving her the space/time she apparently needs.
Even though it'll be tough you'll have made the decision which, when you're feeling crap, will provide some moral fortitude.
Then, get out there and enjoy the xmas parties, snowboarding etc. Your sport sounds like there would be ample places and opportunities around the world to meet someone else.
But don't go looking; it always happens when you least expect it.
Good luck for the future OP.
OP, stuff is clearly going on, it might be the end or it might be a temporary glitch. Might be worth hanging around and talking some more to find out which.
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