Christmas Bad News
Discussion
Chaps, sad post this. Posting here as no-one really knows the situation, can’t tell anyone for reasons you will see, and would just like to vent. When reading about this situation I saw lots of posts by women on forums for mothers, so please accept me as treating PH as a bit of a “Mumsnet for blokes” and asking for advice/perspective/virtual shoulder to cry on, as well as the need for a rant.
As some of you may know, Lady F and I were very excited to be pregnant. We had told (very few) people (I told hundreds on here, but that is not really the same!). We were terribly excited.
Well, as the Fates hate us, at our 13 week scan, they discovered abnormalities, confirmed by a CVS test, confirming that the baby has Trisoma 13, Patau Syndrome. Likelihood of being born alive minimal, and if so, of surviving to after 4 months minimal. Likelihood of birth defects, well, pretty much certain. The scan showed half a heart, missing limbs and all sorts of horrors.
Unsurprisingly, the doctors advised termination, and that is what we are doing, this Friday. The timing sucks – whilst something like this will never come at a good time, having an abortion just before Christmas (and the day after her birthday) has to rank as a new low for my poor wife.
We are both devastated. One of the worst things about this is that it is not just dealing with a miscarriage – it is being all excited, getting more excited when seeing a heartbeat, then looking at the faces of the doctors in the room as they look at the ultrasound and realise that something is very, very wrong. And then realising that you need to go and have an abortion. At Christmas.
The NHS way of doing things has genuinely not helped.They had overbooked secondary scan appointments so having been told that something was seriously wrong, we were left alone in a room for 2 hours before there was any other information. We then (being in a teaching hospital) had another scan and CVS test done whilst no words apart from instructions were imparted to us. I watched, holding Lady F’s hand as she cried, whilst the doctors had hushed conversations amongst themselves and refused to answer my questions. Finally a woman consultant arrived who finally showed some compassion and started telling us things. The whole experience was awful. They offered no advice on what procedure for termination would be best for us, just gave us a phone number and sent us on our way. I spent most of the evening reading about chromosomal issues, abortion and other such fun issues, with no advice or guidance whatsoever.
This is not a lack of resources issue (apart from the wait). This is a hiring people for delicate tasks who have no interest in helping you, even giving you a kind word, or in any way trying to do anything but basic, necessary medical care. Basic, hman skills were lacking. The most interest they showed was when they told us that this was “very interesting” and asked if they could bring some students in. At this point, I am ashamed to say I finally lost my rag and told them to go f
k themselves.
The icing on the cake was of course a resource issue, with the NHS not being able to do the termination themselves due to having no capacity, and us effectively having to arrange it ourselves with a private clinic (who have been amazing, to be fair, displaying all the kindness and efficiency lacking from our national health service).
This comes across with me being angry at the free health service we all get, when I should be angry at the situation. Well, I am angry with both – but regarding the process, it was actually relatively efficient (we were in and out in 6 hours with all the scans and tests done), but it was also cold, dehumanising and made a bad situation even worse. You haven’t felt anger until you have heard your own wife on the phone, begging the midwife for help/guidance in organising an abortion of your first child, and being given a phone number for a private clinic and being told it would be faster if we did it all ourselves. Rage doesn’t even begin to cover the way I feel about the whole situation, and the way that Lady F had to do so much herself, in her terrible state.
A genetic test means that we will be able to determine if this was a freak chance, or if there is something wrong with me or Lady F. I would obviously like to know this, to save ourselves from all of this again if we can. However, the final genetic testing of the material from the foetus needs to be taken to Kings NHS before they close for Christmas at 5pm on Friday – there is no out of hours delivery. So I have to drive the tissue from our dead child over there on Friday afternoon or, if the procedure takes longer, keep it in my fridge over the Christmas period and deliver it next week. It may seem like a small thing, but that, on top of everything else, fking sucks.
And to cap it all off, in proper PH style, I had even put the personal plate on my Morgan on retention, and was about to accept a low offer for it to get rid of it fast and move onto a fun family wagon. I have thankfully just managed to stop the sale.
Sod this for a game of soldiers, frankly..
As some of you may know, Lady F and I were very excited to be pregnant. We had told (very few) people (I told hundreds on here, but that is not really the same!). We were terribly excited.
Well, as the Fates hate us, at our 13 week scan, they discovered abnormalities, confirmed by a CVS test, confirming that the baby has Trisoma 13, Patau Syndrome. Likelihood of being born alive minimal, and if so, of surviving to after 4 months minimal. Likelihood of birth defects, well, pretty much certain. The scan showed half a heart, missing limbs and all sorts of horrors.
Unsurprisingly, the doctors advised termination, and that is what we are doing, this Friday. The timing sucks – whilst something like this will never come at a good time, having an abortion just before Christmas (and the day after her birthday) has to rank as a new low for my poor wife.
We are both devastated. One of the worst things about this is that it is not just dealing with a miscarriage – it is being all excited, getting more excited when seeing a heartbeat, then looking at the faces of the doctors in the room as they look at the ultrasound and realise that something is very, very wrong. And then realising that you need to go and have an abortion. At Christmas.
The NHS way of doing things has genuinely not helped.They had overbooked secondary scan appointments so having been told that something was seriously wrong, we were left alone in a room for 2 hours before there was any other information. We then (being in a teaching hospital) had another scan and CVS test done whilst no words apart from instructions were imparted to us. I watched, holding Lady F’s hand as she cried, whilst the doctors had hushed conversations amongst themselves and refused to answer my questions. Finally a woman consultant arrived who finally showed some compassion and started telling us things. The whole experience was awful. They offered no advice on what procedure for termination would be best for us, just gave us a phone number and sent us on our way. I spent most of the evening reading about chromosomal issues, abortion and other such fun issues, with no advice or guidance whatsoever.
This is not a lack of resources issue (apart from the wait). This is a hiring people for delicate tasks who have no interest in helping you, even giving you a kind word, or in any way trying to do anything but basic, necessary medical care. Basic, hman skills were lacking. The most interest they showed was when they told us that this was “very interesting” and asked if they could bring some students in. At this point, I am ashamed to say I finally lost my rag and told them to go f
k themselves.The icing on the cake was of course a resource issue, with the NHS not being able to do the termination themselves due to having no capacity, and us effectively having to arrange it ourselves with a private clinic (who have been amazing, to be fair, displaying all the kindness and efficiency lacking from our national health service).
This comes across with me being angry at the free health service we all get, when I should be angry at the situation. Well, I am angry with both – but regarding the process, it was actually relatively efficient (we were in and out in 6 hours with all the scans and tests done), but it was also cold, dehumanising and made a bad situation even worse. You haven’t felt anger until you have heard your own wife on the phone, begging the midwife for help/guidance in organising an abortion of your first child, and being given a phone number for a private clinic and being told it would be faster if we did it all ourselves. Rage doesn’t even begin to cover the way I feel about the whole situation, and the way that Lady F had to do so much herself, in her terrible state.
A genetic test means that we will be able to determine if this was a freak chance, or if there is something wrong with me or Lady F. I would obviously like to know this, to save ourselves from all of this again if we can. However, the final genetic testing of the material from the foetus needs to be taken to Kings NHS before they close for Christmas at 5pm on Friday – there is no out of hours delivery. So I have to drive the tissue from our dead child over there on Friday afternoon or, if the procedure takes longer, keep it in my fridge over the Christmas period and deliver it next week. It may seem like a small thing, but that, on top of everything else, f
king sucks.And to cap it all off, in proper PH style, I had even put the personal plate on my Morgan on retention, and was about to accept a low offer for it to get rid of it fast and move onto a fun family wagon. I have thankfully just managed to stop the sale.
Sod this for a game of soldiers, frankly..
UnPH hugs to you and Lady Flashman.
I believe PALS might be able to aid you in blowing off a little steam, without being all compo seeking. Probably worth a little Google, but they tend to concentrate on the non-technical side, which sounds like the issue.
Not sure how useful the offer of a swift half is in Lincolnshire is, but its there.
I believe PALS might be able to aid you in blowing off a little steam, without being all compo seeking. Probably worth a little Google, but they tend to concentrate on the non-technical side, which sounds like the issue.
Not sure how useful the offer of a swift half is in Lincolnshire is, but its there.
What a terrible situation.
Nothing constructive to offer other than my best wishes.
Very sad with timing of your other half's birthday and Christmas, although there can never be a good time for such an awful thing to happen.
I hope you both manage to get through this with the least possible amount of distress from here on.
Nothing constructive to offer other than my best wishes.
Very sad with timing of your other half's birthday and Christmas, although there can never be a good time for such an awful thing to happen.
I hope you both manage to get through this with the least possible amount of distress from here on.
That's truly terrible news and you have my sympathies.
As for asking to bring in the students due to it being an 'interesting' case, their mentors really should know better. Sure, they have to learn 'on the job' but there's a time and a place and that certainly wasn't it.
Best of luck in the coming weeks and I'm sure you'll offer the best support you can to Lady F.
As for asking to bring in the students due to it being an 'interesting' case, their mentors really should know better. Sure, they have to learn 'on the job' but there's a time and a place and that certainly wasn't it.
Best of luck in the coming weeks and I'm sure you'll offer the best support you can to Lady F.
SlimRick said:
Awful news, and I'm really sorry to hear that.
Mrs SR and I went through something vaguely similar last year. We now have a happy, healthy, monster of a 5 month old so I really hope the same happens for you two.
Sympathies and best wishes to you both!
Likewise - it was third time lucky for us after two horrible set backs. Mrs SR and I went through something vaguely similar last year. We now have a happy, healthy, monster of a 5 month old so I really hope the same happens for you two.
Sympathies and best wishes to you both!
Thoughts are with you Harry.
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