Christmas Bad News

[dragging ass]

Having been there 3 times you have my sympathy and comdolences.
The timing is just unneeded icing on the cake.

Make sure you both are there for each other and get support and if you feel the need some counseling or therapy. It is a sad fact that 1 in 4 pregnancies are not successful, I feel for you both having to sort it all out yourself after NHS indifference.

[Gargamel]

Harry, my sympathy to you and Lady F.
Horrible situation and terrible news.

Mrs G and I have had thirteen Miscarriages along with three lovely Children.

A number of Ph'ers sponsored me for the London Marathon where I ran for the Miscarriage Associatuon. A magnificent charity who work to help the NHS and parents / couples to manage all aspects of miscarriage and premature termination. 1 in 4 pregnancies don't go to full term.

I have a genetic disorder, but it took four miscarriages before I was diagnosed with some X and Y Chromosomes in the wrong place.

I don't know what diagnosis you have had, but back then the NHS weren't interested until you had three.

I hope you and Lady F are OK and holding up. Its tough for sure. Look at the Miscarriage Association website for good advice.

Or PM me.

[SBDJ]

Sorry for your loss

A couple of days ago was my oldest sons birthday - and that of his twin who didn't make it. Tough time of year here!

I was not overly happy with how it was handled either. Leaving aside their incompetence and dismissal of me as just another worrying partner, having had weeks of being told I was worrying about nothing despite repeated scans showing an issue, we went for yet another scan. The person doing the scan excused herself, left the room and came back with colleague. After another scan she said she concurred. Then they turned to me and asked if I knew what was happening.

Not really the best way to handle such a sensitive and emotional situation. It seemed cold, emotionless and unsupportive.

To be told later that day that no one could have seen this coming when their own scans showed it was a possibility and one I had raised repeatedly just added insult to injury.

Sorry for the rant on your thread!

[TheJimi]

Gargamel said:

Harry, my sympathy to you and Lady F.
Horrible situation and terrible news.

Mrs G and I have had thirteen Miscarriages along with three lovely Children.

Bloody hell, I actually had to do a double take - thirteen!

I know nothing of such things but that to me is a gobsmacking figure.

[Captain Benzo]

Harry and Mrs F,

nothing i type will make it better, or easier or anything good. but my thoughts are with you.

all i can say is dont give up, there is always hope. my sister in law had an almost 0% chance of having a baby due to bad medical downstairs stuff that i dont need to know about. she's 7 months pregnant.

a good friend and his girlfriend had 5 years of private IVF, no dice, tore him apart, nearly ended therir relationship. just soul destroying, his missus is due in July.

A very good friend of mine had one ovary, half a womb, horrific internal bad st going on. misscarriage after misscarriage. her daughter was born at 24weeks, absolutely tiny. slim chance of survival. this is her first christmas, she's up to a decent weight and doing well.

My first nearly didnt make it out, my wife was dying in theatre and I could do fk all about it. Dread is a word often used but never felt, fk me I never want to go through that again. Dan is 5, he's a mini-me, and my world, along with the rampaging psychopath that is his 2 year old little sister.

so Harry, Mrs F, and all of you,
there is always hope, the darkest night ends in a sunrise, keep going, it'll be ok.

Stay safe, look after eachother and I hope 2017 is better than 2016.

big hugs from Aberdeenshire.

Ben

[jke11y]

I am sorry to hear of your loss, and unfortunately know all to well the situation, along with losing my son when he was just over two months old. Even typing this now, 2 years on I start to well up.

Things will get better and the adage of time being a healer is true; you will never get over it, but through it. For us we now have a 14 month old boy and another on the way, and have again been having a myriad of tests (CVS also a couple of weeks ago, a procedure Im sure you agree you would not wish on your worst enemy).

In contrast to your experience, I found the NHS to be an incredible thing, and the staff we dealt with were to a person compassionate and helpful. We spent time in Great Ormond Street and whilst it was utterly heartbreaking the facility and things the staff have to deal with really blew my mind.

We got the diagnosis that his condition was terminal and within 48 hours I had a blue-light 430mile journey organised to a hospice in Scotland. Nothing was too much trouble. The moment we passed over the border from England to Scotland, with my wife + baby in the ambulance in front and me behind in the G wagon was a moment along with many I will never forget, all which were as a result of the NHS facility.

[Harry Flashman]

Chaps, I cannot tell you how much help this thread (and a few personal messages) have been. It is also humbling to see that something I thought was such a personal tragedy is in fact something so common - this has put things in perspective, and made me get my chin up and push on, rather than wallowing.

Knowing that others have been through this and come through not just intact, but also to go on and have happy, healthy children, is giving me a real sense of hope. Thank you, and my many, many commiserations to those who have had similar. This feels so awful: I can barely imagine what those of you who went through it repeatedly must have felt like, and the strength of character shown by you and your partners to get up from the floor, re-group, and try again. That is some pretty strong stuff, and I admire you for it and will be taking some inspiration from you.

In an odd twist, one of my very best friends of 20 years called me yesterday - he had read the thread, and knew my handle on here. Although he had never before talked about it, it turns out that he and his wife went through something very similar, as well as a number of miscarriages. My heart went out to him, and the thought of the two beautiful children he and his wife now have gave me huge hope for the future.

We are gearing up for tomorrow's horror at the clinic. Packing stuff today as we fly to see her parents in the USA on Boxing Day (safe to do so, I am told - I wanted to cancel). Currently packing all our ski gear - Lady F is joking that at least she now gets to go skiing rather than hang around indoors! Strong spirit and typical of Lady F - but perhaps a bit ambitious...not that I could stop her dropping into some hideously hardcore mogul field even if I tried.

Thanks guys. Really.

[Harry Flashman]

Oh, and in another twist, my Morgan, up for sale as I felt something more practical would be required for the new arrival, sold. I tried to stop the sale, but in the end could not - and on reflection, that's probably a good thing.

While Lady F is recovering I shall be perusing the Classifieds and deciding what form the new toy, with no practical purposes whatsoever, should take. Something that she may actually enjoy driving...

Edited by Harry Flashman on Thursday 22 December 12:25

[Chris7865677]

Really hard to read this story plus the many comments after. I have got no children but my brothers and sisters and partners have all suffered with miscarriages. They have all gone on to have other children. So it will happen for u. Think positive to 2017.

[mad4amanda]

Absolutely gutted for you must be awful this time of year too, try not to let it define you/your partner though, been there done that. we went through 7 miscarriages and a termination before our son was born healthy 4 years ago and 3 since so he is now going to be an only child and have a dog instead! My wife was convinced she could not carry a healty baby and as a result was always terrified during her pregnancy. The pain and helplessness I felt was terrible all you can do is be there for your partner.
Some of the counselling services we accessed through our GP were very good and our local hospital in the end bypassed all the usual processes and gave us direct access at any time to emergency treatment. I echo others comments you should not have to make that delivery there must be another way?
All the very best for the future stay strong x

[Debaser]

Terrible news. Hope Christmas isn't too bad for you both, and that next year is better than this.

Was going to post something about your next car purchase but just seen your edit so I'll refrain.

[Gareth79]

Toyoda said:

As for asking to bring in the students due to it being an 'interesting' case, their mentors really should know better. Sure, they have to learn 'on the job' but there's a time and a place and that certainly wasn't it.

It sounds like if the overall situation had been handled sensitively he might not have had a problem with it.

It's disappointing to hear because kind words and compassion doesn't cost money, and would cost very little in time.

[Vitorio]

Harry Flashman said:

Chaps, I cannot tell you how much help this thread (and a few personal messages) have been. It is also humbling to see that something I thought was such a personal tragedy is in fact something so common - this has put things in perspective, and made me get my chin up and push on, rather than wallowing.

Good to hear that PH at least gives some comfort in these trying times HF

Take ample time to process it all, and dont be affraid to feel utterly destroyed by it, its natural.

[crashley]

Apologies if this has already been said, but your wife may find a compassionate ear in her midwife - we found ours to be a thoughtful and caring soundboard upon a myriad of cold, soulless hospital bods - and she was without doubt fantastic under not dissimilar circumstances.

Sadly, as we discovered, the information offered [i guess for obvious reasons] prior to these circumstances is limited but it is far more frequent than anyone really allays to.

Hang in there, both you and Mrs F and fingers crossed you'll be giving us some better news in a year or so's time, when you've bought that estate you've always pined for

[Road2Ruin]

Harry if it's any consolation my brother in law too has just had to go through this just over a couple of weeks ago in very similar circumstances. They found it tough at first, but like most things time heals all ills. I know saying that wont help much but they are in a lot better place now, even after only a few weeks.

My best to you and the Mrs.

[Smitters]

Two things.

First, I'm right with you. We had our 13 week scan last week. No heartbeat sound. No wriggling. Just total dread. They can see a six week old development, but no detectable heartbeat. Cue lots of quizzing about dates. We're certain we're 13 weeks. We were given a leaflet and sent home, told we'd get a call to arrange another more detailed scan, maybe that afternoon, but within 24 hours.

24 hours later we're calling the hospital, expecting to arrange to come in asap, only to be told that the next scan is in two weeks time, so they can confirm no growth and then proceed from there. I get why, but given our date certainty, we are sure. Thus, we are "enjoying" Christmas knowing that on the 28th we go for our second scan, instead of being away with the OHs parents and all the while, there is a distinct possibility the physical miscarriage may start.

So, that's obviously st. And no help to you, except to know other people get how st you feel.

Second, please don't immediately buy another two seater. Stick the money somewhere it can grow at an irritatingly small pace and buy a nicer family wagon when the time comes. Or go and buy the family wagon anyway. At least wait until the genetic tests are done and some time has passed, to absorb and plan the next car step. Just my humble opinion, but I don't think the message a newly miscarried wife needs from hubby is that he's searching for a sports car with no room for a baby, no matter how resilient she is.

[jke11y]

Smitters said:

24 hours later we're calling the hospital, expecting to arrange to come in asap, only to be told that the next scan is in two weeks time, so they can confirm no growth and then proceed from there. I get why, but given our date certainty, we are sure. Thus, we are "enjoying" Christmas knowing that on the 28th we go for our second scan, instead of being away with the OHs parents and all the while, there is a distinct possibility the physical miscarriage may start.

So, that's obviously st. And no help to you, except to know other people get how st you feel.

Sorry to hear this; If I were you I would be going for a private scan and then A+E if the scan shows potentially bad news. You could either get a dating scan or something more in-depth. We have had dozens (no exaggeration) of private scans in the last 2 years and they have all been as professional as the NHS. In fact, our last private scan 10 days ago was a woman who works at the hospital where no3 is due to be delivered. I think that may get you some results, everyone is different but I couldnt let my OH sit through 2 weeks of not knowing.

[Kermit power]

That's the worst news imaginable, especially at this time of year. I can only hope the future brings you both what you need to get over the present.

[Harry Flashman]

Smitters said:

Two things.

First, I'm right with you. We had our 13 week scan last week. No heartbeat sound. No wriggling. Just total dread. They can see a six week old development, but no detectable heartbeat. Cue lots of quizzing about dates. We're certain we're 13 weeks. We were given a leaflet and sent home, told we'd get a call to arrange another more detailed scan, maybe that afternoon, but within 24 hours.

24 hours later we're calling the hospital, expecting to arrange to come in asap, only to be told that the next scan is in two weeks time, so they can confirm no growth and then proceed from there. I get why, but given our date certainty, we are sure. Thus, we are "enjoying" Christmas knowing that on the 28th we go for our second scan, instead of being away with the OHs parents and all the while, there is a distinct possibility the physical miscarriage may start.

So, that's obviously st. And no help to you, except to know other people get how st you feel.

Second, please don't immediately buy another two seater. Stick the money somewhere it can grow at an irritatingly small pace and buy a nicer family wagon when the time comes. Or go and buy the family wagon anyway. At least wait until the genetic tests are done and some time has passed, to absorb and plan the next car step. Just my humble opinion, but I don't think the message a newly miscarried wife needs from hubby is that he's searching for a sports car with no room for a baby, no matter how resilient she is.

I am SO sorry that you are going through this now as well - my heart goes out to you.

I hear you on the sports car. Brain is all over the shop at the moment. I am a very lucky man and have an Aston to call on as well. I am going to use it a lot to take Lady F to lots of nice places in the months to come, while we recover and work out what to do next. Lots of nice places. Hopefully where we can conceive a healthy child.

[Smitters]

Harry Flashman said:

I am SO sorry that you are going through this now as well - my heart goes out to you.

I hear you on the sports car. Brain is all over the shop at the moment. I am a very lucky man and have an Aston to call on as well. I am going to use it a lot to take Lady F to lots of nice places in the months to come, while we recover and work out what to do next. Lots of nice places. Hopefully where we can conceive a healthy child.

Thank you - appreciate your thoughts. Don't forget you lost something too - us boys can get a bit overlooked, or feel like we're expected to grin and bear it.