Christmas Bad News
Discussion
My friend has just shared this on FB; They're very, very good to talk to; should you need it https://www.facebook.com/sandscharity/photos/a.101...
Thinking of you both xx
Thinking of you both xx
Harry Flashman said:
They just wheeled her into the anaesthetic room to put her under general, and I fell to pieces when they asked me to let go of her hand.
I know that this is just a minor procedure and a small bump in the road for us, but right now it feels huge and appalling.
Sitting in the waiting room for her to come out in an hour if all goes ok. Then I have to take the samples of our dead baby to the genetics lab in Goodge Street myself - couriers etc didn't work out, and Lady F didn't want to ask friends for help, wanting me to do this as she knows she can rely on me. Am in bits. Can't even imagine what she's going through right now.
This is properly awful.
I have no words.I know that this is just a minor procedure and a small bump in the road for us, but right now it feels huge and appalling.
Sitting in the waiting room for her to come out in an hour if all goes ok. Then I have to take the samples of our dead baby to the genetics lab in Goodge Street myself - couriers etc didn't work out, and Lady F didn't want to ask friends for help, wanting me to do this as she knows she can rely on me. Am in bits. Can't even imagine what she's going through right now.
This is properly awful.
very sad. Harry, that's so sad to hear. Wishing you and your good lady well.
I work for an organisation that supports people who make complaints against the NHS. Whilst most experiences are positive not all are. I'd write to your local Trust setting out what went wrong and how it made you both feel. Ask for a response on what they will seek to do differently in the future. It might help another couple in your position in the future and an apology can be helpful when unnecessary s
t like this adds to your grief.
On the NHS itself, it's time there was a national discussion. The pressures (demand) are increasing, recruitment is faltering so costs (agency/locum staff) are growing. In general it's not badly managed, just stuck in perpetual crisis management at local level. If we stop treating the NHS as an untouchable national treasure and be willing to discuss change it can do a better job and rushed half-arsed care like Harry and his other half suffered would be reduced. Doesn't mean privatisation. It might mean travelling further for specialist care and paying enough taxes to do social care properly so that hospitals aren't blocked up with medically fit elderly.
I work for an organisation that supports people who make complaints against the NHS. Whilst most experiences are positive not all are. I'd write to your local Trust setting out what went wrong and how it made you both feel. Ask for a response on what they will seek to do differently in the future. It might help another couple in your position in the future and an apology can be helpful when unnecessary s
t like this adds to your grief.On the NHS itself, it's time there was a national discussion. The pressures (demand) are increasing, recruitment is faltering so costs (agency/locum staff) are growing. In general it's not badly managed, just stuck in perpetual crisis management at local level. If we stop treating the NHS as an untouchable national treasure and be willing to discuss change it can do a better job and rushed half-arsed care like Harry and his other half suffered would be reduced. Doesn't mean privatisation. It might mean travelling further for specialist care and paying enough taxes to do social care properly so that hospitals aren't blocked up with medically fit elderly.
Harry, although we've never met I'm thinking of you at this difficult time. Look after yourself and post on here if you need to
Another here, first time the wife was pregnant. You go to the scan expecting to see the baby and to find out the date / sex and then... Happened again before we finally had my eldest. Nurses were great but it was difficult walking back past the other pregnant mums.
We then had a couple more miscarriages and were contemplating giving up when the second she carried to full term.
It's a horrible thing to go through and you don't know how it'll work out at the time, but hopefully in a few years you'll be sat in front of the TV with the kids upstairs posting on here.
wiggy001 said:
Smitters said:
Two things.
First, I'm right with you. We had our 13 week scan last week. No heartbeat sound. No wriggling. Just total dread. They can see a six week old development, but no detectable heartbeat. Cue lots of quizzing about dates. We're certain we're 13 weeks. We were given a leaflet and sent home, told we'd get a call to arrange another more detailed scan, maybe that afternoon, but within 24 hours.
We had exactly this with one of our miscarriagesFirst, I'm right with you. We had our 13 week scan last week. No heartbeat sound. No wriggling. Just total dread. They can see a six week old development, but no detectable heartbeat. Cue lots of quizzing about dates. We're certain we're 13 weeks. We were given a leaflet and sent home, told we'd get a call to arrange another more detailed scan, maybe that afternoon, but within 24 hours.
We then had a couple more miscarriages and were contemplating giving up when the second she carried to full term.
It's a horrible thing to go through and you don't know how it'll work out at the time, but hopefully in a few years you'll be sat in front of the TV with the kids upstairs posting on here.
Harry I have no words that can help, no sage advice just my utter sympathy and best wishes to you both at this awful, awful time.
Good luck at getting through the next few days, it will be awfully hard.
Edit:
I didn't want to put things on about successful second timesaround H, but having read the whole thing I'd add that my ex-wife and I had a little one born dead at 6 months, no warnings, just awful.
As many other had said though we got another go. He turned up two months early, scared the crap out of me, and we were worried for all of those months. He's sitting next to me now, 18 in 4 days time.
Good luck to you both H.
Good luck at getting through the next few days, it will be awfully hard.
Edit:
I didn't want to put things on about successful second timesaround H, but having read the whole thing I'd add that my ex-wife and I had a little one born dead at 6 months, no warnings, just awful.
As many other had said though we got another go. He turned up two months early, scared the crap out of me, and we were worried for all of those months. He's sitting next to me now, 18 in 4 days time.
Good luck to you both H.
Edited by ellroy on Friday 23 December 22:31
Hope you both got through yesterday ok, random stranger thinking of you both 
When my son was born he wasn't breathing, and I can remember exactly the feelings I went through watching a bunch of people rushing into the room and knowing something was very wrong. Fortunately my wife was out of it and had no idea what was going on.
He was fine though, and reading lots of the posts on here of others who've gone through what you're dealing with should give you the hope and confidence it will get better. It doesn't detract from or diminish what you're dealing with, just a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.
When my son was born he wasn't breathing, and I can remember exactly the feelings I went through watching a bunch of people rushing into the room and knowing something was very wrong. Fortunately my wife was out of it and had no idea what was going on.
He was fine though, and reading lots of the posts on here of others who've gone through what you're dealing with should give you the hope and confidence it will get better. It doesn't detract from or diminish what you're dealing with, just a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.
To the OP and his wife. My thoughts.
You'll come through this I'm sure. Might it be worth both of you talking to someone professionally about your loss in due course.
t!) This also went wrong, was even worse than the first!
Faced with another 6 month delay for another NHS attempt. I went private paid roughly £1200 and around a month later the operation (it takes less than an hour and is relatively simple) was a success and once healed no recurring problems.
But NO ONE at the NHS or the useless PALS service were interested in anything more than trying to make me go away. Or trying to set up appointments weeks in advance that I would have had to take time off work to attend. I did consider legal action but I honestly couldn't be bothered. I was sick of thinking about all of it.
Like you, it infuriates me when people assume that the problem with the NHS is a lack of funding by whichever government it is. That it's a wonderful organisation without failings. The problems are numerous. But no ones wants to criticise. It's part of the reason I had less sympathy for the Jr Drs strike. The union shifting any liabilty from themselves and the public buying it because "well its the nhs, it's not their fault its run st"
Last year I severed a tendon. 5 hours waiting in A+E, told to go to a different hospital the next day for surgery. Another 2 hours to be told. "Cant do it today, comeback tomorrow" Though I fairness the aftercare Physio was great.
People say when they win the lottery they'll buy a Ferrari or a 10 bed house. I'm buying the most expensive BUPA care cover plan they do!
You'll come through this I'm sure. Might it be worth both of you talking to someone professionally about your loss in due course.
captainzep said:
Harry, that's so sad to hear. Wishing you and your good lady well.
I work for an organisation that supports people who make complaints against the NHS. Whilst most experiences are positive not all are. I'd write to your local Trust setting out what went wrong and how it made you both feel. Ask for a response on what they will seek to do differently in the future. It might help another couple in your position in the future and an apology can be helpful when unnecessary st like this adds to your grief.
On the NHS itself, it's time there was a national discussion. The pressures (demand) are increasing, recruitment is faltering so costs (agency/locum staff) are growing. In general it's not badly managed, just stuck in perpetual crisis management at local level. If we stop treating the NHS as an untouchable national treasure and be willing to discuss change it can do a better job and rushed half-arsed care like Harry and his other half suffered would be reduced. Doesn't mean privatisation. It might mean travelling further for specialist care and paying enough taxes to do social care properly so that hospitals aren't blocked up with medically fit elderly.
Around 2009 I had an operation to a delicate area. This went wrong and I had to go back 6 months later for a further operation to correct it. (Different surgeon. Who even at the time I met him I thought was a bit sI work for an organisation that supports people who make complaints against the NHS. Whilst most experiences are positive not all are. I'd write to your local Trust setting out what went wrong and how it made you both feel. Ask for a response on what they will seek to do differently in the future. It might help another couple in your position in the future and an apology can be helpful when unnecessary s
t like this adds to your grief.On the NHS itself, it's time there was a national discussion. The pressures (demand) are increasing, recruitment is faltering so costs (agency/locum staff) are growing. In general it's not badly managed, just stuck in perpetual crisis management at local level. If we stop treating the NHS as an untouchable national treasure and be willing to discuss change it can do a better job and rushed half-arsed care like Harry and his other half suffered would be reduced. Doesn't mean privatisation. It might mean travelling further for specialist care and paying enough taxes to do social care properly so that hospitals aren't blocked up with medically fit elderly.
t!) This also went wrong, was even worse than the first! Faced with another 6 month delay for another NHS attempt. I went private paid roughly £1200 and around a month later the operation (it takes less than an hour and is relatively simple) was a success and once healed no recurring problems.
But NO ONE at the NHS or the useless PALS service were interested in anything more than trying to make me go away. Or trying to set up appointments weeks in advance that I would have had to take time off work to attend. I did consider legal action but I honestly couldn't be bothered. I was sick of thinking about all of it.
Like you, it infuriates me when people assume that the problem with the NHS is a lack of funding by whichever government it is. That it's a wonderful organisation without failings. The problems are numerous. But no ones wants to criticise. It's part of the reason I had less sympathy for the Jr Drs strike. The union shifting any liabilty from themselves and the public buying it because "well its the nhs, it's not their fault its run s
t"Last year I severed a tendon. 5 hours waiting in A+E, told to go to a different hospital the next day for surgery. Another 2 hours to be told. "Cant do it today, comeback tomorrow" Though I fairness the aftercare Physio was great.
People say when they win the lottery they'll buy a Ferrari or a 10 bed house. I'm buying the most expensive BUPA care cover plan they do!
Thoughts are with you HF.
My partner and I have been through two ectopic pregnancies. One in December '14 a week before her Birthday, then another 6 months later, days before my Birthday. Both resulted in surgery and removal of her tubes. Unbelievably heartbreaking and we also saw the look on the nurses face as she discovered something was wrong. Luckily, this was discovered very early on in the first pregnancy and we were kind of expecting it on the second.
Stay strong for her, but don't neglect your own feelings on it!
All the best.
My partner and I have been through two ectopic pregnancies. One in December '14 a week before her Birthday, then another 6 months later, days before my Birthday. Both resulted in surgery and removal of her tubes. Unbelievably heartbreaking and we also saw the look on the nurses face as she discovered something was wrong. Luckily, this was discovered very early on in the first pregnancy and we were kind of expecting it on the second.
Stay strong for her, but don't neglect your own feelings on it!
All the best.
Sad, sad news. You'll both need a bit of looking after following this, and I mean both.
I've posted this before, and do so because until it happened to us, we never knew that this sort of thing happened. We lost twins on New Years Eve 2008 - 6pm, getting ready, and Mrs PB's waters go in the shower. All else a blur from there, but I remember getting home from the hospital, where she stayed overnight, to look after our 1-y-o daughter, and not really knowing what to do. And remained in the that state for several days. It remains a tough time of year for us, and not realising we both needed some support after the event nearly cost us our marriage. We had four more pregnancies after that, two to full term, one of which includes a daughter with a physical difference - but that's another post...
Life can be st sometimes and, cliched as it is, time does help. But so do professionals - if you think it might be worth a shot, there is nothing to be lost trying - for both of you. Remember you are not alone in this, there are others who have been here before and can help.
Look after each other.
I've posted this before, and do so because until it happened to us, we never knew that this sort of thing happened. We lost twins on New Years Eve 2008 - 6pm, getting ready, and Mrs PB's waters go in the shower. All else a blur from there, but I remember getting home from the hospital, where she stayed overnight, to look after our 1-y-o daughter, and not really knowing what to do. And remained in the that state for several days. It remains a tough time of year for us, and not realising we both needed some support after the event nearly cost us our marriage. We had four more pregnancies after that, two to full term, one of which includes a daughter with a physical difference - but that's another post...
Life can be s
t sometimes and, cliched as it is, time does help. But so do professionals - if you think it might be worth a shot, there is nothing to be lost trying - for both of you. Remember you are not alone in this, there are others who have been here before and can help.Look after each other.
Hello from sunny Utah, all. The good news is that one week on from the termination, Lady F is improving, with far fewer tears, and her body slowly returning to normal.
We are with her family on holiday in the US, and her cousin has been here with their 4 month old baby girl. I thought that this would be really hard on Lady F - but actually it seems to have given her hope that we could have better luck next time, and that maybe we were just unlucky. We are still waiting for test results, which hopefully will show that we do not have problems, and that we were just unlucky. If there is a problem, we'll start making other plans.
It's been a weird week - a lot has happened: abortion, Christmas, flights to the USA, New Year. It feels a long time ago that we were in the clinic. Emotions have been up and down - I think I am over it, really, but I am watching my wife closely as I think she is soldiering through and hiding some grief/anger. She's been a trooper though - she's even insisted on going skiing most days, and when she hasn't, I've been staying home with her and whisking her off for spas and other treats. Spending the nappy budget! Keeping her distracted has been the key and I feel very lucky we are able to spoil ourselves a bit and take minds off things.
Interestingly, whilst Lady F is an exercise addict and generally in good shape, now that the baby has gone, her body is revealing how punishing a pregnancy really is. She is tired, feels flabby and simply cannot do the sort of things she normally can (so no black mogul runs, for example - she cannot keep up with her brothers on a family ski day, and is skiing with her 75 year old father, which is frustrating for her). She is very upset and angry angry about this - I think it is an outlet for other grief. Women really go through a lot more than us chaps in this situation. That may sound obvious, but when you see it first hand, it's a bit humbling.
A friend has recommended a good counsellor close to us who has experience in this area, and I think we will be going, together. Talking about this without going in circles is hard, and conversations are upsetting and raw, even for a couple like us, who generally like communicating with each other.
Thanks for all your thoughts, and especially to those of you who shared your own heartbreaking stories - I wish you all the best for your futures, and thank you for the hope you have given me. Please use this thread to post abut stuff if you find it cathartic - I certainly have. This should be for everyone who has been through something like this, not just the Flashmans (Flashmen?).
I think I am going to do something for a charity that helps parents to get through this stuff: those that do not have the financial resources that we have been able to call on. This must be very tough for anyone, and doubly so if you cannot afford some counselling and help. Maybe I can give something back for the generous help and support I have received from you, friends and family over the last week or so.
Happy New Year all. I hope 2017 is a good one for you all.
We are with her family on holiday in the US, and her cousin has been here with their 4 month old baby girl. I thought that this would be really hard on Lady F - but actually it seems to have given her hope that we could have better luck next time, and that maybe we were just unlucky. We are still waiting for test results, which hopefully will show that we do not have problems, and that we were just unlucky. If there is a problem, we'll start making other plans.
It's been a weird week - a lot has happened: abortion, Christmas, flights to the USA, New Year. It feels a long time ago that we were in the clinic. Emotions have been up and down - I think I am over it, really, but I am watching my wife closely as I think she is soldiering through and hiding some grief/anger. She's been a trooper though - she's even insisted on going skiing most days, and when she hasn't, I've been staying home with her and whisking her off for spas and other treats. Spending the nappy budget! Keeping her distracted has been the key and I feel very lucky we are able to spoil ourselves a bit and take minds off things.
Interestingly, whilst Lady F is an exercise addict and generally in good shape, now that the baby has gone, her body is revealing how punishing a pregnancy really is. She is tired, feels flabby and simply cannot do the sort of things she normally can (so no black mogul runs, for example - she cannot keep up with her brothers on a family ski day, and is skiing with her 75 year old father, which is frustrating for her). She is very upset and angry angry about this - I think it is an outlet for other grief. Women really go through a lot more than us chaps in this situation. That may sound obvious, but when you see it first hand, it's a bit humbling.
A friend has recommended a good counsellor close to us who has experience in this area, and I think we will be going, together. Talking about this without going in circles is hard, and conversations are upsetting and raw, even for a couple like us, who generally like communicating with each other.
Thanks for all your thoughts, and especially to those of you who shared your own heartbreaking stories - I wish you all the best for your futures, and thank you for the hope you have given me. Please use this thread to post abut stuff if you find it cathartic - I certainly have. This should be for everyone who has been through something like this, not just the Flashmans (Flashmen?).
I think I am going to do something for a charity that helps parents to get through this stuff: those that do not have the financial resources that we have been able to call on. This must be very tough for anyone, and doubly so if you cannot afford some counselling and help. Maybe I can give something back for the generous help and support I have received from you, friends and family over the last week or so.
Happy New Year all. I hope 2017 is a good one for you all.
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