Christmas Bad News
Discussion
Bugger - that is truly awful 
I'm also sorry to hear of the way that information was conveyed to you. I work as a hospital pharmacist, and at times become aware of information that cannot yet be told to a patient as various policies dictate that there must be consultant review or approval before the patients are told bad news. If the correct person is in a busy clinic or tending to another sick patient it can be some time before the news gets broken.
In your case, it was very much in a less than ideal manner. As mentioned before, a chat with the PALs service at the hospital may prove beneficial.
I'm also sorry to hear of the way that information was conveyed to you. I work as a hospital pharmacist, and at times become aware of information that cannot yet be told to a patient as various policies dictate that there must be consultant review or approval before the patients are told bad news. If the correct person is in a busy clinic or tending to another sick patient it can be some time before the news gets broken.
In your case, it was very much in a less than ideal manner. As mentioned before, a chat with the PALs service at the hospital may prove beneficial.
as above so sorry mate , we lost a lil un last year in august due to edwards syndrome. i feel your pain and wish both you and mrs flash all the best . takes time to deal with so take it esy and just look after each other . again mate so sorry and not the best time of the year but my guess is you are doing the right thing. take care mate and give the lady big hugs. going to be a hard time for you both.
Harry Flashman said:
Thanks all. When I can't really talk to anyone about this, being able to vent on here, and seeing your messages, as well as knowing others have gone through this, helps more than you know.
As someone else said - if this is the worst thing that happens to us in our lives, that in itself is a blessing. But right now, in the middle of it all, this feels pretty awful.
In my head I am asking questions why "why am I crying about a child I never even knew", and "why is this loss of something that was nothing but a hope anyway such a sting". I think it is that - this was our first pregnancy, we're both healthy, so neither of us thought anything could go wrong, we started adjusting our lives and our expectations.
A year ago I didn't really know if I wanted children. Now, having lost the chance of my own (hopefully temporarily), there's nothing I want more. Human nature is a puzzle, eh?
I hope that you both take some small amount of consolation from the posts from people who have been through the same thing.As someone else said - if this is the worst thing that happens to us in our lives, that in itself is a blessing. But right now, in the middle of it all, this feels pretty awful.
In my head I am asking questions why "why am I crying about a child I never even knew", and "why is this loss of something that was nothing but a hope anyway such a sting". I think it is that - this was our first pregnancy, we're both healthy, so neither of us thought anything could go wrong, we started adjusting our lives and our expectations.
A year ago I didn't really know if I wanted children. Now, having lost the chance of my own (hopefully temporarily), there's nothing I want more. Human nature is a puzzle, eh?
As someone else has said, 2016 seems to have been a bad year.
Hugs to you both.
As words of comfort, a huge proportion of people on here will have been through miscarriage and many through still birth.
Personally, my wife had a miscarriage before our first child when I was on business in Germany. No-one has ever done the journey from there to here quicker than I did that day.
My parents first child, a daughter, Mary, was stillborn. That was infinitely worse than our miscarriage, but they went on to have four children, the last of which was me.
Lean on your friends, and look out at people in the street knowing many have dealt with heartbreak like yours and have gone on to have great happiness.
Sympathies from here.
Some parallels in my past - (memories of the exact sequence a bit vague). Had a scan and afterwards we were given a "special appointment". Not told very much, but the scan had shown up some "voids" in the brain. Apparently these are a marker for Edwards syndrome. Can't really remember how the hospital dealt with this message, apart from the fact that we didn't like it - at all. The biggest challenge was that the information trickled out - no one really knew what to tell us, or how we should be told. Had some further scans (may have been private, don't recall), where the sonographer spent a lot of time on the hands - google turned up the fact that babies with Edwards won't unclench their fists. I saw the fists unclench, so took a lot of comfort from this. Baby was born, and she was healthy.
Overall message is - yes the NHS can appear very insensitive about these things, and as the person impacted, I think it's more like fact than appearance. It took me a long time to get over it, but I think their biggest problem is that they don't want to sugar coat something that MIGHT be a big problem.
Memories WILL fade, next time WON'T be a problem and in a few years time it will be a distant bad memory.
Some parallels in my past - (memories of the exact sequence a bit vague). Had a scan and afterwards we were given a "special appointment". Not told very much, but the scan had shown up some "voids" in the brain. Apparently these are a marker for Edwards syndrome. Can't really remember how the hospital dealt with this message, apart from the fact that we didn't like it - at all. The biggest challenge was that the information trickled out - no one really knew what to tell us, or how we should be told. Had some further scans (may have been private, don't recall), where the sonographer spent a lot of time on the hands - google turned up the fact that babies with Edwards won't unclench their fists. I saw the fists unclench, so took a lot of comfort from this. Baby was born, and she was healthy.
Overall message is - yes the NHS can appear very insensitive about these things, and as the person impacted, I think it's more like fact than appearance. It took me a long time to get over it, but I think their biggest problem is that they don't want to sugar coat something that MIGHT be a big problem.
Memories WILL fade, next time WON'T be a problem and in a few years time it will be a distant bad memory.
I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you and your wife.
I am desperately disappointed in my medical colleagues who were looking after you and your wife. That is not the way situations like yours should be handled. I'm glad you said "no" to the suggestion of medical students. I once observed a similar situation to yours as a med student and what I took away was how much compassion the consultant showed the couple. Those students at your hospital would have only seen a bad example and the bad practice would have been perpetuated.
I hope you both find the strength to get through the coming weeks. As part of working through your grief you might find contacting PALS therapeutic, it could help you find closure but maybe first see how you feel.
Thinking of you and your wife on Friday.
I am desperately disappointed in my medical colleagues who were looking after you and your wife. That is not the way situations like yours should be handled. I'm glad you said "no" to the suggestion of medical students. I once observed a similar situation to yours as a med student and what I took away was how much compassion the consultant showed the couple. Those students at your hospital would have only seen a bad example and the bad practice would have been perpetuated.
I hope you both find the strength to get through the coming weeks. As part of working through your grief you might find contacting PALS therapeutic, it could help you find closure but maybe first see how you feel.
Thinking of you and your wife on Friday.
I'm really sorry to hear of your loss as a fairly new father I can now almost feel how much it would hurt, I went along to our scans almost oblivious to what they were actually doing, it was only much later in the pregnancy that I started to realise what could go wrong.
I hope that you may go on to have a little one, and I'm sure you will.
I also can agree with how some medical professionals can behave. When our daughter had the heal prick test we received a phone call a couple of weeks later:
"Oh hi, it's so and so from great ormond street, we need you to bring your daughter in tomorrow as she's got cystic fibrosis"
I mean wtf, I thought it was some kind of sick prank call at first as who the f
k rings up saying that at half 4 in the afternoon to say your month old child has a life threatening disease.
The hell we went through that night was like no other, go and Google cystic fibrosis, it's not a nice thing. When we got to the hospital they seemed almost surprised at the state we were in, it was as if they were telling me she had a broken ankle or something, and even then I know how most parents react even if their child has a fking cold.
Very very luckily for us we went on to find out our daughter has genes which are very much associated with cf, but that doesn't mean she's got it, she actually had the diagnosis changed and it's looking like she will never have a problem.
Medical professionals are fking brilliant, the nhs can not be rivalled, the care we get from gosh is as good or better than private, however they are so matter of fact it's ridiculous. We have spoken to them to say that the way they did it wasn't right, we've even been told that some parents with children with the same genes as our little one never actually get over it. Personally I nearly went to the wall, I couldn't work or even think straight and honestly felt like I wanted to die, the problem with wanting to die was that I knew that this little one would need my care, maybe more care than an average child, but it hurt more knowing that if I died her life would be even worse. It was horrible and I still can shed a tear now when I think back to that time.
It's almost like they are diagnosing your rear tyres needing replacing, but it's not they are dealing with people's lives. It wouldn't hurt for the nhs to train people into giving bad news.
as a fairly new father I can now almost feel how much it would hurt, I went along to our scans almost oblivious to what they were actually doing, it was only much later in the pregnancy that I started to realise what could go wrong.I hope that you may go on to have a little one, and I'm sure you will.
I also can agree with how some medical professionals can behave. When our daughter had the heal prick test we received a phone call a couple of weeks later:
"Oh hi, it's so and so from great ormond street, we need you to bring your daughter in tomorrow as she's got cystic fibrosis"
I mean wtf, I thought it was some kind of sick prank call at first as who the f
k rings up saying that at half 4 in the afternoon to say your month old child has a life threatening disease.The hell we went through that night was like no other, go and Google cystic fibrosis, it's not a nice thing. When we got to the hospital they seemed almost surprised at the state we were in, it was as if they were telling me she had a broken ankle or something, and even then I know how most parents react even if their child has a f
king cold.Very very luckily for us we went on to find out our daughter has genes which are very much associated with cf, but that doesn't mean she's got it, she actually had the diagnosis changed and it's looking like she will never have a problem.
Medical professionals are f
king brilliant, the nhs can not be rivalled, the care we get from gosh is as good or better than private, however they are so matter of fact it's ridiculous. We have spoken to them to say that the way they did it wasn't right, we've even been told that some parents with children with the same genes as our little one never actually get over it. Personally I nearly went to the wall, I couldn't work or even think straight and honestly felt like I wanted to die, the problem with wanting to die was that I knew that this little one would need my care, maybe more care than an average child, but it hurt more knowing that if I died her life would be even worse. It was horrible and I still can shed a tear now when I think back to that time.It's almost like they are diagnosing your rear tyres needing replacing, but it's not they are dealing with people's lives. It wouldn't hurt for the nhs to train people into giving bad news.
Harry, I don't know if this will help you but I hope it does.
Many, many people suffer fundamental problems in pregnancy. Once you mention it to people it is quite astonishing just how many people do have problems. But all the people I know who have had similar issues have all gone on to have lovely children. I am sure you will too.
Many, many people suffer fundamental problems in pregnancy. Once you mention it to people it is quite astonishing just how many people do have problems. But all the people I know who have had similar issues have all gone on to have lovely children. I am sure you will too.
m3jappa said:
It wouldn't hurt for the nhs to train people into giving bad news.
firstly to the OP deepest condolences, a truly dreadful experience for you.secondly the point about training.. my other half works in a Paediatric ITU and therefore does see some dreadful things, god knows how she copes. However I think she also believes that it is sometimes very difficult to train a brilliant, gifted clinician in the required people skills. The very nature of their desire to be the best clinically, and the associated personality traits required to be that dedicated, can sometimes make them seem really odd to "normal" compassionate people.
Once again OP sincere condolences to you and your wife
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