Discussion
I only skimmed this the first time. Having re read it, it seems like your Mum is actually looking forward to ruining your wedding, just to get back at your Dad.
I agree that you would be completely justified in not letting her go to your wedding. You'll have a ruined day wondering whether she's going to do something stupid, even if she doesn't.
It's not like you can do it again, is it? It won't be easy telling her that she's not coming, but it's entirely her own fault. She won't see that of course! Good luck.
Tim
I agree that you would be completely justified in not letting her go to your wedding. You'll have a ruined day wondering whether she's going to do something stupid, even if she doesn't.
It's not like you can do it again, is it? It won't be easy telling her that she's not coming, but it's entirely her own fault. She won't see that of course! Good luck.
Tim
catman said:
I only skimmed this the first time. Having re read it, it seems like your Mum is actually looking forward to ruining your wedding, just to get back at your Dad.
I agree that you would be completely justified in not letting her go to your wedding. You'll have a ruined day wondering whether she's going to do something stupid, even if she doesn't.
It's not like you can do it again, is it? It won't be easy telling her that she's not coming, but it's entirely her own fault. She won't see that of course! Good luck.
Tim
A pragmatic and conciliatory approach might be...I agree that you would be completely justified in not letting her go to your wedding. You'll have a ruined day wondering whether she's going to do something stupid, even if she doesn't.
It's not like you can do it again, is it? It won't be easy telling her that she's not coming, but it's entirely her own fault. She won't see that of course! Good luck.
Tim
... " Mum you mean a lot to me and will always be my loving mum. Clearly the day is causing a lot of tension and we'd like to have a special, private dinner with just you and your friends to celebrate our wedding"
Bit sugar coated but it makes another event special for just her and may mitigate the flames from the wedding event. Find a nice restaurant, maybe even somewhere with a private room. Have an exec taxi (e.g. airport run Merc pick her up and drop her back... etc (wouldn't cost much).
Long term you might buy a lot of peace for not much outlay...
Vaud said:
catman said:
I only skimmed this the first time. Having re read it, it seems like your Mum is actually looking forward to ruining your wedding, just to get back at your Dad.
I agree that you would be completely justified in not letting her go to your wedding. You'll have a ruined day wondering whether she's going to do something stupid, even if she doesn't.
It's not like you can do it again, is it? It won't be easy telling her that she's not coming, but it's entirely her own fault. She won't see that of course! Good luck.
Tim
A pragmatic and conciliatory approach might be...I agree that you would be completely justified in not letting her go to your wedding. You'll have a ruined day wondering whether she's going to do something stupid, even if she doesn't.
It's not like you can do it again, is it? It won't be easy telling her that she's not coming, but it's entirely her own fault. She won't see that of course! Good luck.
Tim
... " Mum you mean a lot to me and will always be my loving mum. Clearly the day is causing a lot of tension and we'd like to have a special, private dinner with just you and your friends to celebrate our wedding"
Bit sugar coated but it makes another event special for just her and may mitigate the flames from the wedding event. Find a nice restaurant, maybe even somewhere with a private room. Have an exec taxi (e.g. airport run Merc pick her up and drop her back... etc (wouldn't cost much).
Long term you might buy a lot of peace for not much outlay...
She has disrespected the OP's OH and called the OP a liar. She will only get worse unless he puts her straight.
DocJock said:
A special dinner for for this vindictive woman and her friends?
She has disrespected the OP's OH and called the OP a liar. She will only get worse unless he puts her straight.
Hence I said, "A pragmatic and conciliatory approach might be...."She has disrespected the OP's OH and called the OP a liar. She will only get worse unless he puts her straight.
Sure, you can "teach her a lesson", but it is often impossible to change the ways of older people and finding a compromise might defuse the situation.
I know PH tends towards the simple solution on the surface, but sometimes diplomacy and compromise wins.
The OP could offer this and if she rejects it, then withdraw the offer and the wedding invite.
We'll have to agree to disagree.
My view is that it is nothing to do with 'teaching her a lesson'. It is about getting her to understand and acknowledge that she has behaved appallingly, and apologise accordingly.
If she is unable or unwilling to do so then she has demonstrated her lack of respect for the OP and his fiancee and that is something which would never change. At that point I would remove her from the wedding and cease contact.
My view is that it is nothing to do with 'teaching her a lesson'. It is about getting her to understand and acknowledge that she has behaved appallingly, and apologise accordingly.
If she is unable or unwilling to do so then she has demonstrated her lack of respect for the OP and his fiancee and that is something which would never change. At that point I would remove her from the wedding and cease contact.
DocJock said:
We'll have to agree to disagree.
My view is that it is nothing to do with 'teaching her a lesson'. It is about getting her to understand and acknowledge that she has behaved appallingly, and apologise accordingly.
If she is unable or unwilling to do so then she has demonstrated her lack of respect for the OP and his fiancee and that is something which would never change. At that point I would remove her from the wedding and cease contact.
I'll put it a different way - changing behaviour can be done in a number of ways. I'm not saying "don't remove her from the wedding and cease contact" but doing that now leaves you nowhere to go.My view is that it is nothing to do with 'teaching her a lesson'. It is about getting her to understand and acknowledge that she has behaved appallingly, and apologise accordingly.
If she is unable or unwilling to do so then she has demonstrated her lack of respect for the OP and his fiancee and that is something which would never change. At that point I would remove her from the wedding and cease contact.
You can start a war with a nuclear bomb, or you can try every diplomatic line first. At least that way, when parents inevitably die, you can say that you tried everything.
I'm always a big fan of making as many people as happy for the longest possible period of time.
Seriously if the OP's mum is behaving like this I would tell her straight that she has one opportunity to play nice and not try to wreck our big day for her own petty childish reasons. She has an entire lifetime to get back at Dad if that is really what is going to make her happy but that our wedding is not one of those opportunities.
Any truck with that and she would not be coming.
If she does agree to play nice i would still have a couple of close friends briefed on what to do if she starts to get out of hand.
To be honest if she did turn up and did cause a scene it would be the very last time i spoke to her other than to write and explain why she will never have any part in my life again other than to chose the dirtiest and most run down care home i can find one day.
Seriously if the OP's mum is behaving like this I would tell her straight that she has one opportunity to play nice and not try to wreck our big day for her own petty childish reasons. She has an entire lifetime to get back at Dad if that is really what is going to make her happy but that our wedding is not one of those opportunities.
Any truck with that and she would not be coming.
If she does agree to play nice i would still have a couple of close friends briefed on what to do if she starts to get out of hand.
To be honest if she did turn up and did cause a scene it would be the very last time i spoke to her other than to write and explain why she will never have any part in my life again other than to chose the dirtiest and most run down care home i can find one day.
Winky151 said:
From the date of the first post & his comment that he was 'getting married in 29 days time' can I suggest he's away on his nuptials. 
But..... OP, when you're back, what happened? (& I'm not talking about the honeymoon. However, if you do have a video ....
)
Meh. Details, details.But..... OP, when you're back, what happened? (& I'm not talking about the honeymoon. However, if you do have a video ....
)He should be setting clear expectations for married life while on his honeymoon by posting a lot to PH and ranting.
Hi everyone. Sorry for the lack of updates!
To pick up the story from last time. We met with my Mum before the hen do and had a calmer discussion. She didnt offer any apology but explained her outburst etc was her releasing all her stress but that its done and dusted. She promised us that she would not be a problem on the day. We told her she wasnt going on the Hen do, she was disappointed but understood that it was a bit soon after a big row.
We had a couple of days to think over how to proceed. The OH is more forgiving than me and convinced me that Mum should still come to the wedding as at least that gives her the chance to behave. So she got the go ahead.
Wedding was on Friday just gone.
My mum turned up half cut but did not cause any real problems. She completely ignored my Dads OH, had a friendly chat with my Bro and Sis (on Dads side) and tried to say hello to my Dad which I saw coming so whisked my dad away for a photo before any drama could occur.
The only thing she did to annoy me was get a bit grumpy with me for not thanking her specifically in my speech, God knows why I would have. But 20 mins later she realised she had had a bit too much vino and came and apologised.
Other than that it was a brilliant day! I even managed to not cry, phew. The only problem I had was I popped an intercooler pipe off on the way there so had to leave with no boost
We saw my Mum today (Mothers Day) and she was fine, explained that she was not half cut when she turned up but was really struggling with nerves in the morning so had a Diazepam to calm her down.
So alls well that ends well really. Thanks everyone for contributing.
Since its PH here are couple pics of Mine and my Best Man's car
To pick up the story from last time. We met with my Mum before the hen do and had a calmer discussion. She didnt offer any apology but explained her outburst etc was her releasing all her stress but that its done and dusted. She promised us that she would not be a problem on the day. We told her she wasnt going on the Hen do, she was disappointed but understood that it was a bit soon after a big row.
We had a couple of days to think over how to proceed. The OH is more forgiving than me and convinced me that Mum should still come to the wedding as at least that gives her the chance to behave. So she got the go ahead.
Wedding was on Friday just gone.
My mum turned up half cut but did not cause any real problems. She completely ignored my Dads OH, had a friendly chat with my Bro and Sis (on Dads side) and tried to say hello to my Dad which I saw coming so whisked my dad away for a photo before any drama could occur.
The only thing she did to annoy me was get a bit grumpy with me for not thanking her specifically in my speech, God knows why I would have. But 20 mins later she realised she had had a bit too much vino and came and apologised.
Other than that it was a brilliant day! I even managed to not cry, phew. The only problem I had was I popped an intercooler pipe off on the way there so had to leave with no boost
We saw my Mum today (Mothers Day) and she was fine, explained that she was not half cut when she turned up but was really struggling with nerves in the morning so had a Diazepam to calm her down.
So alls well that ends well really. Thanks everyone for contributing.
Since its PH here are couple pics of Mine and my Best Man's car
I bet that's a relief OP!!
We are getting married next year in a registry office with just our parents in attendance. No stag or hen do's, no huge buffet and no best man or bridesmaids to worry about, and no party/reception, and my fiancée isn't interested in a wedding dress. We're not asking for any gifts either. It's just about us and how we want it, which is simple and with minimum hassle and financial outlays. Everyone is cool with this. Especially me as we get three weeks in America and I'm allowed to buy a 30ish year old Mercedes! If anyone wasn't cool with it, tough titties. It's about us, pure and simple.
We are getting married next year in a registry office with just our parents in attendance. No stag or hen do's, no huge buffet and no best man or bridesmaids to worry about, and no party/reception, and my fiancée isn't interested in a wedding dress. We're not asking for any gifts either. It's just about us and how we want it, which is simple and with minimum hassle and financial outlays. Everyone is cool with this. Especially me as we get three weeks in America and I'm allowed to buy a 30ish year old Mercedes! If anyone wasn't cool with it, tough titties. It's about us, pure and simple.
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