Discussion
You have to tell her that your dad is still your Dad, you didn't lose him in the divorce, she did. He's not your ex dad, your ex father, or anything like that. he is, and always will be, your dad. Just as she will forever be your mum.
I would make an effort to go and see her at the weekend. Hopefully she will have calmed down by then.
The fact is, more than anything else I've experienced, wedding planning has the ability to really bring out the worst in some people, far more than the actual wedding day itself. The pressure for her of not knowing how she will actually react when she sees your dad now they are divorced, and knowing he is now happily living his life with another woman that isn't her, sounds like it is causing her all kinds of anxiety and she's taking it out entirely on you, because perhaps to her, "you" are the cause becuase its your wedding. Without the wedding she wouldn't have to see her ex on a day when she's also expected to look nice, act nice, act graciously, be proud of her son, be excited about her new daughter in law, new parts of the family etc. All she can focus on, is her ex.
On the day, you will be dressed up to the nines (I expect?) and your fiancee will be in a beautiful dress (I expect) and hopefully the occasion of the day will put her in the right frame of mind. But at the moment, its all speculation and worry.
I would make an effort to go and see her at the weekend. Hopefully she will have calmed down by then.
The fact is, more than anything else I've experienced, wedding planning has the ability to really bring out the worst in some people, far more than the actual wedding day itself. The pressure for her of not knowing how she will actually react when she sees your dad now they are divorced, and knowing he is now happily living his life with another woman that isn't her, sounds like it is causing her all kinds of anxiety and she's taking it out entirely on you, because perhaps to her, "you" are the cause becuase its your wedding. Without the wedding she wouldn't have to see her ex on a day when she's also expected to look nice, act nice, act graciously, be proud of her son, be excited about her new daughter in law, new parts of the family etc. All she can focus on, is her ex.
On the day, you will be dressed up to the nines (I expect?) and your fiancee will be in a beautiful dress (I expect) and hopefully the occasion of the day will put her in the right frame of mind. But at the moment, its all speculation and worry.
It's your wedding OP, not hers.
I only think you have 2 logical things to do
.
Un-invite your mother & her +1 if she won't behave, explain it's your & your OH's day & if she cant behave like a normal human being & he happy for YOU & YOUR OH, then she isn't welcome.
Explain you understand her feelings towards your dad, however you have a mum & a dad & despite him being a s
t, he's still your dad & hasn't wronged you.
OR
You un-invite both sets of parents and tell them why. however she will probably kick off as she's not invited anyway & it seems harsh on your dad who is more than happy to respect your day!
I only think you have 2 logical things to do
.
Un-invite your mother & her +1 if she won't behave, explain it's your & your OH's day & if she cant behave like a normal human being & he happy for YOU & YOUR OH, then she isn't welcome.
Explain you understand her feelings towards your dad, however you have a mum & a dad & despite him being a s
t, he's still your dad & hasn't wronged you.OR
You un-invite both sets of parents and tell them why. however she will probably kick off as she's not invited anyway & it seems harsh on your dad who is more than happy to respect your day!
stuttgartmetal said:
Beat me to it.
I want to come.
I won't eat.
I know, I'll come as a bodyguard.
For free.
twiddly thing in the ear, and everything.
I wouldn't make such a good bodyguard but they will definitely be required! I want to come.
I won't eat.
I know, I'll come as a bodyguard.
For free.
twiddly thing in the ear, and everything.
I'm a fully trained barman it sounds like the OP is going to need a lot of them if it's free booze!
Me.... id tell the mother not to bother coming, after all regardless of your dads actions and stuff in the past, this is now we are talking about.
but women are all mental until proven otherwise are they not?
Mrs400 has a daughter who is getting married next year, the daughters dad was a total waste of space left her at 2 yrs old to go out with his new piece of stuff. ( who incidently has just dumped him for a younger model)
There has been a few chats over what hes willing to pay towards etc and due to the very few times he contacts the daughter, me and mrs400 have paid for these things already(deposit for the venue, dress)
well he kicked a right storm up over us paying for the dress, doesn't understand that she went looking for it with Mrs400 1st shop 3rd dress, we have a winner so Mrs400 paid.
I can see further troubles ahead so don't think your alone OP.
but women are all mental until proven otherwise are they not?
Mrs400 has a daughter who is getting married next year, the daughters dad was a total waste of space left her at 2 yrs old to go out with his new piece of stuff. ( who incidently has just dumped him for a younger model)
There has been a few chats over what hes willing to pay towards etc and due to the very few times he contacts the daughter, me and mrs400 have paid for these things already(deposit for the venue, dress)
well he kicked a right storm up over us paying for the dress, doesn't understand that she went looking for it with Mrs400 1st shop 3rd dress, we have a winner so Mrs400 paid.
I can see further troubles ahead so don't think your alone OP.
In short, it sounds like your mum is bitter as hell about how things have panned out and eventually she's blown up over something irrelevant. It was just an excuse for her to kick off.
The thing is, of all the occasions she needs to keep things to herself it's someone else's wedding so in my opinion she's being incredibly selfish about it.
Personally if it was me, it would be a case of either she sorts her sh!t out and accepts how you want YOU'RE wedding or she's no longer invited. If everyone else can accept things and be like adults then she's the one pushing herself out of it.
The thing is, of all the occasions she needs to keep things to herself it's someone else's wedding so in my opinion she's being incredibly selfish about it.
Personally if it was me, it would be a case of either she sorts her sh!t out and accepts how you want YOU'RE wedding or she's no longer invited. If everyone else can accept things and be like adults then she's the one pushing herself out of it.
Sounds like hell, and I don’t envy you in the slightest.
Every single wedding I’ve been to where there has been an expectation of people kicking off, once the booze has kicked in, it has done, maybe not in full view of everyone else, but sure enough…. Money and social level (for want of a better term) seems to have no bearing on the matter.
All the above is good advice and I must admit, if it were me, the line would be, “you can’t behave like an adult- for whatever reason- so sod off - uninvited”. The trial run of the hen do will give you an identification of the trouble ahead. Maybe an evening dinner 2 or 3 weeks prior to the happy day (somewhere you can risk not returning to) with your mum and dad in attendance may flush this out once and for all.
Could you threaten her with that all of the wedding will be recorded, and if she kicks off, she will be on YouTube within 20 minutes?
Every single wedding I’ve been to where there has been an expectation of people kicking off, once the booze has kicked in, it has done, maybe not in full view of everyone else, but sure enough…. Money and social level (for want of a better term) seems to have no bearing on the matter.
All the above is good advice and I must admit, if it were me, the line would be, “you can’t behave like an adult- for whatever reason- so sod off - uninvited”. The trial run of the hen do will give you an identification of the trouble ahead. Maybe an evening dinner 2 or 3 weeks prior to the happy day (somewhere you can risk not returning to) with your mum and dad in attendance may flush this out once and for all.
Could you threaten her with that all of the wedding will be recorded, and if she kicks off, she will be on YouTube within 20 minutes?
crofty1984 said:
Nanook said:
Tell your Mum to sort her st out, or stay at home, how dare she threaten to ruin your day with her selfishness.
This. This thing here.t out, or stay at home, how dare she threaten to ruin your day with her selfishness.I had family issues before my wedding.
Whilst it's easy to say "Un-invite them" when it's your Mum or Dad, you want them to be there for your wedding. Even if they are being a dick.
It's therefore a massive wrench to tell them not to come.
I'd say negotiate. Use another family member if you think it would help.
Highlight how important it is for them to be there and share your day, but compromise must be found by everyone when it's such a complicated family unit.
If they are still being obtuse, only then revoke invitation. Don't risk your day being spoiled.
RB Will said:
We told her that if her or her best friend kick off even the slightest they will both be ejected having ruined they day.
She thinks that no matter how much she kicks off we wont do anything and seems to find the idea of causing a scene or violence on the day quite funny and plans to get as drunk as possible (because my Dad is paying for the booze) then said if we do throw her out it will be the last we see of her.
1. Mother kicks off, ruins wedding and get ejected, you get disowned.
2. Uninvite mother, get disowned and have a lovely wedding (keep the venue secret)
Your mother is going to kick off, 100% guaranteed. Especially because she plans to get blind drunk (classy) - we all know what alcohol does to our inhibitions/confidence/better judgement. She's already decided to cause a scene, it's just a matter of adding alcohol.
It sounds like everyone else is mature enough to put their differences aside and get along for the day, like normal people would. So tell your mother she isn't coming, that she's a loose cannon and you just can't afford to take the risk of her playing up on your special day. Not just threats, or telling her she'd better behave, that will just go straight over her head and won't work with her. Tell she isn't coming, full stop. When she realises you are serious, odds on she will come to her senses after a week or so, and come back to you promising her best behaviour. Even then, there's still a reasonable chance that she'll cause a scene, but it's the best you can do.
It sounds like everyone else is mature enough to put their differences aside and get along for the day, like normal people would. So tell your mother she isn't coming, that she's a loose cannon and you just can't afford to take the risk of her playing up on your special day. Not just threats, or telling her she'd better behave, that will just go straight over her head and won't work with her. Tell she isn't coming, full stop. When she realises you are serious, odds on she will come to her senses after a week or so, and come back to you promising her best behaviour. Even then, there's still a reasonable chance that she'll cause a scene, but it's the best you can do.
I'm assuming Mum already knows the date, time & venue, so univiting her may not stop her turning up; it may even make her wirse!!
I'd make it very clear that if she even looks like she's about to step out of line she will be removed, and never see you or have contact with you again.
As another poster has said, she needs to understand that your Dad is not your Ex Dad!!
I'd make it very clear that if she even looks like she's about to step out of line she will be removed, and never see you or have contact with you again.
As another poster has said, she needs to understand that your Dad is not your Ex Dad!!
It's not your mum's big day and believe it or not, no matter how much you're looking forward to it, it's not your big day either.
It's your partner's big day. The fact that she has paid for it herself should tell you this much.
Clearly your mother can't control her feelings normally and with alcohol thrown in and her threats then it doesn't sound like a risk that she'll kick off it sounds like a dead cert.
Are you really willing to ruin your partner's big day? What good is it throwing her out after she has ruined the day for your wife to be, not to mention the other guests. If you love your partner enough to get married then show her and put her first now.
It doesn't sound like your mother would enjoy the day anyway so why put her through it. Clearly she is struggling to deal with issues, the suggestion of counselling earlier in this thread was a good one.
It's your partner's big day. The fact that she has paid for it herself should tell you this much.
Clearly your mother can't control her feelings normally and with alcohol thrown in and her threats then it doesn't sound like a risk that she'll kick off it sounds like a dead cert.
Are you really willing to ruin your partner's big day? What good is it throwing her out after she has ruined the day for your wife to be, not to mention the other guests. If you love your partner enough to get married then show her and put her first now.
It doesn't sound like your mother would enjoy the day anyway so why put her through it. Clearly she is struggling to deal with issues, the suggestion of counselling earlier in this thread was a good one.
She (your mum) needs to grasp that her argument/ issue/ beef, call it what you want, with your dad is just that. Hers, for her to deal with.
She also needs to understand that this is your day (and more importantly your good lady's day) not hers, and not your dads. Make it clear you love them both, that you want them both there, but that either party is not welcome if they are going to misbehave.
She also needs to understand that this is your day (and more importantly your good lady's day) not hers, and not your dads. Make it clear you love them both, that you want them both there, but that either party is not welcome if they are going to misbehave.
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