Discussion
Pothole said:
Of course it is, but it seems to me the problem has mainly been caused by the father's philandering in the first place.
Nope. The problem is being caused by a grown-up behaving like a child. You don't threaten to ruin your child's wedding as a way of getting back at your ex-spouse. Ridiculous thing to even attempt to deflect or justify. Cold said:
Pothole said:
Of course it is, but it seems to me the problem has mainly been caused by the father's philandering in the first place.
Nope. The problem is being caused by a grown-up behaving like a child. You don't threaten to ruin your child's wedding as a way of getting back at your ex-spouse. Ridiculous thing to even attempt to deflect or justify. Or in fact nobody does.
uh my life!
The mental is getting worse.
The OHs Dad and little sister went to speak to my Mum about the hen do last night. As far as my mum was concerned the whole situation is done and forgotten and she was intending to still come on the Hen do like nothing has happened. She has been waiting for me and the OH to go and apologise to her! (so not forgotten then)
OH still cant face seeing her on the hen do so her Dad phoned my Mum today to try and get this across. He didnt even get around to telling her as she was just going off at him on the phone straight away because I still havent been and apologised, its been less than 24hours!
She seems to have invented her own story of what happened on the night. Insisting she didnt interrupt our dinner and that my OH was sat there on her laptop. That my OH was already upset about something and it wasnt her that set her off, cos you know most people just sit there and cry into their dinner/laptop for no reason. And she said that my OH threw her out! I told her to leave but she wouldnt then after an hour she stormed off out by herself! She even threw in that it was really stty for my OH to throw her out considering its not even the OHs house (its mine) even though we have lived together for 9 years.
So the plan now is for Me, the OH and her dad (referee/witness) to go and see my Mum tomorrow night, nice relaxing friday evening :/ So expecting a lovely argument.
Tried to contact my more stable sister this evening to see what she has been told but cant get hold of her. She is normally a voice of reason and helps my mum see the sensible side of things.
The mental is getting worse.
The OHs Dad and little sister went to speak to my Mum about the hen do last night. As far as my mum was concerned the whole situation is done and forgotten and she was intending to still come on the Hen do like nothing has happened. She has been waiting for me and the OH to go and apologise to her! (so not forgotten then)
OH still cant face seeing her on the hen do so her Dad phoned my Mum today to try and get this across. He didnt even get around to telling her as she was just going off at him on the phone straight away because I still havent been and apologised, its been less than 24hours!
She seems to have invented her own story of what happened on the night. Insisting she didnt interrupt our dinner and that my OH was sat there on her laptop. That my OH was already upset about something and it wasnt her that set her off, cos you know most people just sit there and cry into their dinner/laptop for no reason. And she said that my OH threw her out! I told her to leave but she wouldnt then after an hour she stormed off out by herself! She even threw in that it was really stty for my OH to throw her out considering its not even the OHs house (its mine) even though we have lived together for 9 years.
So the plan now is for Me, the OH and her dad (referee/witness) to go and see my Mum tomorrow night, nice relaxing friday evening :/ So expecting a lovely argument.
Tried to contact my more stable sister this evening to see what she has been told but cant get hold of her. She is normally a voice of reason and helps my mum see the sensible side of things.
RB Will said:
Can't abandon plans now it's all booked and paid for and only 3 weeks away!
Snap. I feel your pain.I'm step-dad of the groom. The wedding in Glasgow in 10 days is paid for, venue, hotels for the happy couple, their two babies, the in-laws, limos, the fekking lot. They're flying in from Tenerife, we're flying in from Bulgaria.
They only applied for a passport last week for the youngest granddaughter, all their passports are in Belfast, the passport office mailed them a request for more information yesterday.
The only person within shouting range of the mother of the groom is me.
mikeveal said:
There is no question of whether she might ruin the wedding day. She is already doing so. She needs to be removed from the equation as quickly as possible.
Harsh I know, but it is her own doing.
Very much this.Harsh I know, but it is her own doing.
You have enough stress on your plate already, without your extremely selfish and self centred mother multiplying it 100 times.
She reminds me of the bh that married my dad; it's always everyone else or someone else's fault and never them, they are always in denile to their own failings and issues, what is really needed is they need to take a big hard long look at themselves but they never do, they just cause upset and conflict for everyone else to deal with, they are just poison.
Hence why I haven't spoken to her for almost 18m and never intend on seeing or speaking to her again.
Edited by HTP99 on Friday 3rd March 09:26
mikeveal said:
There is no question of whether she might ruin the wedding day. She is already doing so. She needs to be removed from the equation as quickly as possible.
Harsh I know, but it is her own doing.
A million times this.Harsh I know, but it is her own doing.
For your Mum to still be having a go about your oh is bad enough, let alone the inevitable fallout with your Dad/Dad's partner at the wedding
Amazed how patient you are seemingly being with her OP. She needs a serious reality check that she is destined for the severing ties with your family thread, if that has no effect then seemingly she's already at the point where she doesn't care about you.
I'd be reimbursing her for her hen do payments, then telling her to stay away until she is willing to apologise to everyone she has talked st about.
I'd be reimbursing her for her hen do payments, then telling her to stay away until she is willing to apologise to everyone she has talked st about.
RB Will said:
uh my life!
The mental is getting worse.
The OHs Dad and little sister went to speak to my Mum about the hen do last night. As far as my mum was concerned the whole situation is done and forgotten and she was intending to still come on the Hen do like nothing has happened. She has been waiting for me and the OH to go and apologise to her! (so not forgotten then)
OH still cant face seeing her on the hen do so her Dad phoned my Mum today to try and get this across. He didnt even get around to telling her as she was just going off at him on the phone straight away because I still havent been and apologised, its been less than 24hours!
She seems to have invented her own story of what happened on the night. Insisting she didnt interrupt our dinner and that my OH was sat there on her laptop. That my OH was already upset about something and it wasnt her that set her off, cos you know most people just sit there and cry into their dinner/laptop for no reason. And she said that my OH threw her out! I told her to leave but she wouldnt then after an hour she stormed off out by herself! She even threw in that it was really stty for my OH to throw her out considering its not even the OHs house (its mine) even though we have lived together for 9 years.
So the plan now is for Me, the OH and her dad (referee/witness) to go and see my Mum tomorrow night, nice relaxing friday evening :/ So expecting a lovely argument.
Tried to contact my more stable sister this evening to see what she has been told but cant get hold of her. She is normally a voice of reason and helps my mum see the sensible side of things.
Print this out, give it to her, give her time to ponder on it...The mental is getting worse.
The OHs Dad and little sister went to speak to my Mum about the hen do last night. As far as my mum was concerned the whole situation is done and forgotten and she was intending to still come on the Hen do like nothing has happened. She has been waiting for me and the OH to go and apologise to her! (so not forgotten then)
OH still cant face seeing her on the hen do so her Dad phoned my Mum today to try and get this across. He didnt even get around to telling her as she was just going off at him on the phone straight away because I still havent been and apologised, its been less than 24hours!
She seems to have invented her own story of what happened on the night. Insisting she didnt interrupt our dinner and that my OH was sat there on her laptop. That my OH was already upset about something and it wasnt her that set her off, cos you know most people just sit there and cry into their dinner/laptop for no reason. And she said that my OH threw her out! I told her to leave but she wouldnt then after an hour she stormed off out by herself! She even threw in that it was really stty for my OH to throw her out considering its not even the OHs house (its mine) even though we have lived together for 9 years.
So the plan now is for Me, the OH and her dad (referee/witness) to go and see my Mum tomorrow night, nice relaxing friday evening :/ So expecting a lovely argument.
Tried to contact my more stable sister this evening to see what she has been told but cant get hold of her. She is normally a voice of reason and helps my mum see the sensible side of things.
mikeveal said:
"I'm really disappointed Mum. I thought you wanted the best for me. If my OH threatened to ruin something this important to you, I'd dump her. I wouldn't want to be with someone who could do that.
If you actually ruined our big day, you'd really hurt me and if you're capable of that, then in exactly the same way I wouldn't want you in my life. We would be finished. No Birthdays, no Christmases, no Sunday teas, no access to grandchildren, no hope of reconciliation.
I'm sorry but I will not run the risk of you ruining our wedding. You can't in all honesty guarantee that you'll behave on our big day.
I won't allow this to create a break between us that can never be mended, so you leave me no choice. If that is your intention please do not come to my wedding."
My slight edit in bold.If you actually ruined our big day, you'd really hurt me and if you're capable of that, then in exactly the same way I wouldn't want you in my life. We would be finished. No Birthdays, no Christmases, no Sunday teas, no access to grandchildren, no hope of reconciliation.
I'm sorry but I will not run the risk of you ruining our wedding. You can't in all honesty guarantee that you'll behave on our big day.
I won't allow this to create a break between us that can never be mended, so you leave me no choice. If that is your intention please do not come to my wedding."
I agree with Nanook.
No referees, no relatives for support. Just you and her. Be firm and don't cave. No "if you behave", just "Don't come."
If you don't draw a line in the sand, she'll wreck the marriage as well as the wedding.
If you take others :
1/ You will look weak, she will exploit this. Whether or not she consciously notices the position of weakness is irrelevant.
2/ Someone there will feel sorry for her and attempt to compromise. The message needs to be loud, unambiguous and unwavering.
No referees, no relatives for support. Just you and her. Be firm and don't cave. No "if you behave", just "Don't come."
If you don't draw a line in the sand, she'll wreck the marriage as well as the wedding.
If you take others :
1/ You will look weak, she will exploit this. Whether or not she consciously notices the position of weakness is irrelevant.
2/ Someone there will feel sorry for her and attempt to compromise. The message needs to be loud, unambiguous and unwavering.
RB Will said:
uh my life!
The mental is getting worse.
...
OH still cant face seeing her on the hen do...
So your mother doesn't come. And nor to the wedding, because as sure as eggs is eggs, it'll all kick off.The mental is getting worse.
...
OH still cant face seeing her on the hen do...
Trust me, I've been to two weddings now which were almost ruined by feuding family members. It's a nightmare and the day is remembered for all the wrong reasons.
I also agree with Nanook, stop sending the in-laws to do your work. Don't involve the OH, she hasn't done anything wrong either. If you have to have a witness, take a sibling (yours, not the OH's).
I know it all sounds easy on paper and the internet. I absolutely hate confrontation and would be running a mile if I had to do any of this. But she's your mother, and therefore your problem, so you need to deal with this.
I know it all sounds easy on paper and the internet. I absolutely hate confrontation and would be running a mile if I had to do any of this. But she's your mother, and therefore your problem, so you need to deal with this.
I don't think I've ever commented on one of these relationship/situation type threads before, as there's often multiple ways of looking at it and arguments/justification for various available options.
Here, I've never seen a more crystal clear case of what needs to be done.
You need to see her and tell her that she's not coming to the hen do, and she's not coming to the wedding.
She's left you no option to make this decision purely down to the appalling way she's behaved towards you, your OH, and the rest of the families on both sides.
Regardless of what she says or promises, this is your decision and it is final.
Not only will those involved (apart from her) thank you for it and also probably respect you for having the balls to stand up to her, it is the ONLY way that your wedding day has a chance of going well and be enjoyed by all there - who are the people who actually have you and your OH's interests at heart and genuinely wish you well.
The only person missing will be the only one who, it seems, couldn't give a flying f**k about you and your OH's happiness, or the importance of the day, save for seeing it as an opportunity to have a go at your Dad and others.
20 years down the line, your OH will still be remembering how you did the right thing by her and your wedding was a happy day to be remembered.
Good luck.
Here, I've never seen a more crystal clear case of what needs to be done.
You need to see her and tell her that she's not coming to the hen do, and she's not coming to the wedding.
She's left you no option to make this decision purely down to the appalling way she's behaved towards you, your OH, and the rest of the families on both sides.
Regardless of what she says or promises, this is your decision and it is final.
Not only will those involved (apart from her) thank you for it and also probably respect you for having the balls to stand up to her, it is the ONLY way that your wedding day has a chance of going well and be enjoyed by all there - who are the people who actually have you and your OH's interests at heart and genuinely wish you well.
The only person missing will be the only one who, it seems, couldn't give a flying f**k about you and your OH's happiness, or the importance of the day, save for seeing it as an opportunity to have a go at your Dad and others.
20 years down the line, your OH will still be remembering how you did the right thing by her and your wedding was a happy day to be remembered.
Good luck.
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