Problem teenager in the house.
Discussion
SlimRick said:
I went to view the house yesterday - I'd happily move into it if I were single! I sent this message to the teenager this morning:
You've done right. Me said:
I went to look at the shared house yesterday. The bedroom is small, but the house is big and you would share the living room, kitchen etc. There is fibre broadband and a secure garden to keep your bike. You'd be sharing with 4 other young people, all working or at college. It's near Sainsbury's so it's close to the centre of town.
So, it's decision time. The options are (in order of preference)
1. Stay at home, change your attitude towards us, the house and whatever rules we put in place. We want you back the way you used to be!
2. Move to the shared house. We pay the rent, you have as much freedom as you want.
3. You move back with your mum. I've spoken to her and this is a possibility for a while.
4. You do nothing to decide the above and you end up homeless. We're under no obligation to house you now you're sixteen. We don't have to put up with the way you speak to us. We're not equals, you are living in our house and even if you don't like it you have to abide by our rules.
We need a decision today, this morning preferably as there is no guarantee that the room in the shared house will be available for long.
Don't ignore this. If we don't have a decision from you we will have to make it for you, and as we can't make you change your behaviour and we won't pay for a room elsewhere unless we know you're going to move into it then the only options left are 3 and 4. The shared room and staying with your mum could both be done on a trial basis for a month or so.
We love you, and want you to stay with us, but no-one is happy the way things are so something has to change.
Love dad.
And this was his entire reply:So, it's decision time. The options are (in order of preference)
1. Stay at home, change your attitude towards us, the house and whatever rules we put in place. We want you back the way you used to be!
2. Move to the shared house. We pay the rent, you have as much freedom as you want.
3. You move back with your mum. I've spoken to her and this is a possibility for a while.
4. You do nothing to decide the above and you end up homeless. We're under no obligation to house you now you're sixteen. We don't have to put up with the way you speak to us. We're not equals, you are living in our house and even if you don't like it you have to abide by our rules.
We need a decision today, this morning preferably as there is no guarantee that the room in the shared house will be available for long.
Don't ignore this. If we don't have a decision from you we will have to make it for you, and as we can't make you change your behaviour and we won't pay for a room elsewhere unless we know you're going to move into it then the only options left are 3 and 4. The shared room and staying with your mum could both be done on a trial basis for a month or so.
We love you, and want you to stay with us, but no-one is happy the way things are so something has to change.
Love dad.
Teenager said:
2
He wasn't going to compromise enough to do 1, wouldn't fancy 3 and won't accept the reality of 4. Yes, on the face of it 2 will look like a great opportunity but he'll already know that it will involve some changes in his situation and if he hasn't twigged to that yet he soon will!
Either way it's the only realistic option for him and you, it'll make him or break him.
Vi16v said:
And im not trying to say its easy or i know whats it like to have step kids, but for sake of a few years and a bit of hard discipline, you may turn out a fairly reasonable, well turned out kid and hold your head up high, rather than beat yourself up for years to come by washing your hands.
I think you're not spotting the impact on the younger children, which I've seen first-hand. The trouble is the poor behaviour creeps up on you, so you go from a reasonable functioning family one year to a house in total lockdown, meltdown, or both. You wake up one morning and realise it's not actually normal to alarm parts of the house to prevent your own children going there in the night!I've been there, and the 15YO step-son went into local authority care. After 3 months in an adolescent psychiatric unit where they concluded he clearly needed residential care, the social worker told us to take him home. When we highlighted the danger to (and past abuse of) the other 4 children, we were told that the meeting was about M and they had no interest in the welfare of the other children. My wife was threatened with jail time for abandonment if we didn't take him home. We simply looked puzzled and asked what that would achieve. We didn't take him home.
OP, I hope it works out well for you - but be aware that you've got a long road ahead with all of the children (and adults) involved. I think it took 2 years before we even started to live like a normal family, and past abuses still surface every now and then. We're 6 years in and finally when he calls to say his car's been impounded, or he's been arrested, or he's been evicted we simply ask him what he's going to do about it (although in the absence of driving licence, tax & insurance we suggested saying goodbye to the car). We're there to support him, but only if there's effort & co-operation on his part.
SlimRick said:
By way of a brief update:
I went to look at the shared house on Friday, and took him to look at it on Sunday. I told him I will pay the rent until he is eighteen or until he leaves full time education, whichever comes first.
He works part time so he does have money to pay for living expenses, and this is why the suggestions of confiscating PS4, TV, phone etc aren't possible. He has bought most of those things himself.
He likes the idea of moving out and has accepted one of the rooms available, paying a little extra rent himself to get a bigger room. The other conditions to him moving out are that he comes round at least once a week, preferable for Sunday dinner, and we will review the whole situation after 3 months. If it's not working out there is the option of moving back home subject to some significant changes in his behaviour.
We've seen nothing of him this week so there's been no more arguments or abuse. We have been called into the school tomorrow to discuss the lack of attendance and poor performance there. He won't discuss school with us, all we get is "I'll deal with it". I have a feeling that the choice to continue his A levels may be taken out of his hands.
I really hope this works out well for all of you, including your son.I went to look at the shared house on Friday, and took him to look at it on Sunday. I told him I will pay the rent until he is eighteen or until he leaves full time education, whichever comes first.
He works part time so he does have money to pay for living expenses, and this is why the suggestions of confiscating PS4, TV, phone etc aren't possible. He has bought most of those things himself.
He likes the idea of moving out and has accepted one of the rooms available, paying a little extra rent himself to get a bigger room. The other conditions to him moving out are that he comes round at least once a week, preferable for Sunday dinner, and we will review the whole situation after 3 months. If it's not working out there is the option of moving back home subject to some significant changes in his behaviour.
We've seen nothing of him this week so there's been no more arguments or abuse. We have been called into the school tomorrow to discuss the lack of attendance and poor performance there. He won't discuss school with us, all we get is "I'll deal with it". I have a feeling that the choice to continue his A levels may be taken out of his hands.
DuncanM said:
SlimRick said:
By way of a brief update:
I went to look at the shared house on Friday, and took him to look at it on Sunday. I told him I will pay the rent until he is eighteen or until he leaves full time education, whichever comes first.
He works part time so he does have money to pay for living expenses, and this is why the suggestions of confiscating PS4, TV, phone etc aren't possible. He has bought most of those things himself.
He likes the idea of moving out and has accepted one of the rooms available, paying a little extra rent himself to get a bigger room. The other conditions to him moving out are that he comes round at least once a week, preferable for Sunday dinner, and we will review the whole situation after 3 months. If it's not working out there is the option of moving back home subject to some significant changes in his behaviour.
We've seen nothing of him this week so there's been no more arguments or abuse. We have been called into the school tomorrow to discuss the lack of attendance and poor performance there. He won't discuss school with us, all we get is "I'll deal with it". I have a feeling that the choice to continue his A levels may be taken out of his hands.
I really hope this works out well for all of you, including your son.I went to look at the shared house on Friday, and took him to look at it on Sunday. I told him I will pay the rent until he is eighteen or until he leaves full time education, whichever comes first.
He works part time so he does have money to pay for living expenses, and this is why the suggestions of confiscating PS4, TV, phone etc aren't possible. He has bought most of those things himself.
He likes the idea of moving out and has accepted one of the rooms available, paying a little extra rent himself to get a bigger room. The other conditions to him moving out are that he comes round at least once a week, preferable for Sunday dinner, and we will review the whole situation after 3 months. If it's not working out there is the option of moving back home subject to some significant changes in his behaviour.
We've seen nothing of him this week so there's been no more arguments or abuse. We have been called into the school tomorrow to discuss the lack of attendance and poor performance there. He won't discuss school with us, all we get is "I'll deal with it". I have a feeling that the choice to continue his A levels may be taken out of his hands.
Well done in a difficult situation. You deserve great credit.
Hope it works out for you all. I'm guessing as he matures he will appreciate the efforts you have made to help him.
As said above, leaving the door open to return shows you care about him and are not just trying to wash your hands and get rid.
(also struggling with teenagers, eldest of which has just flipped out of the blue to be delightful after years of pain).
Hope it works out for you all. I'm guessing as he matures he will appreciate the efforts you have made to help him.
As said above, leaving the door open to return shows you care about him and are not just trying to wash your hands and get rid.
(also struggling with teenagers, eldest of which has just flipped out of the blue to be delightful after years of pain).
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