Problem teenager in the house.
Discussion
I'm going through the exact same with my other halfs son, albeit he is only 14. He still feels a lot of loyalty for his father, which is understandable, however both his, and his fathers moral compass are somewhat adrift. Their idea of right and wrong is considerably different to the majority of people, and it is something that we are having to manage.
Without getting into too many personal questions, have you engaged with MAST or CAMHS yet? We have been through both and taken part in the Triple P parenting course, with a view of going onto the advanced course at some point later this year. http://www.triplep-parenting.uk.net/uk-en/triple-p...
First point, is that you and your wife/partner MUST be resolutely united on all decisions. If there is any sign of weakness or disgreement between you, then this will be exploited. Compromise will be necessary - as a step-father, I don't have, nor ever will, the biological bond, so I have to accept that my other half does have a slightly different viewpoint to mine at times.
Secondly, he needs to be engaged with you both, as hard as it may seem. We are still working in this one, but they are small steps like letting him choose dinner for a day, and discussing openly what he wants from his place in the house, and what we would like.
Yes, the messy, stroppy, food guzzling and poor hygiene is part and parcel of it, but the stealing, lying and lack of respect for other peoples property is not.
He earns his pocket money/allowance by adhering to some set rules, basic stuff like walking the dog, being in bed by a certain time, and also remembering personal hygiene. He also forfeits a days allowance when he is abusive to his brother, or we catch him lying. Similarly, if he chooses to do extra tasks, he can earn more.
The financial incentive works, especially if he has a stroppy week and ends up with 50p pocket money, but again, you need to be resolute and united, and let him learn that rewards are based on behaviour.
The biggest change we have noticed is actually in ourselves, what we react to, what escalates, and how we deal with confrontation. In a nutshell, we don't react, and if he gets confrontational, we pretty much blank him until he calms down.
Admittedly we now believe there are underlying issues with him that we are looking to diagnose/address/deal with, but that's a separate matter.
Do look at professional assistance though, it will make a difference.
Without getting into too many personal questions, have you engaged with MAST or CAMHS yet? We have been through both and taken part in the Triple P parenting course, with a view of going onto the advanced course at some point later this year. http://www.triplep-parenting.uk.net/uk-en/triple-p...
First point, is that you and your wife/partner MUST be resolutely united on all decisions. If there is any sign of weakness or disgreement between you, then this will be exploited. Compromise will be necessary - as a step-father, I don't have, nor ever will, the biological bond, so I have to accept that my other half does have a slightly different viewpoint to mine at times.
Secondly, he needs to be engaged with you both, as hard as it may seem. We are still working in this one, but they are small steps like letting him choose dinner for a day, and discussing openly what he wants from his place in the house, and what we would like.
Yes, the messy, stroppy, food guzzling and poor hygiene is part and parcel of it, but the stealing, lying and lack of respect for other peoples property is not.
He earns his pocket money/allowance by adhering to some set rules, basic stuff like walking the dog, being in bed by a certain time, and also remembering personal hygiene. He also forfeits a days allowance when he is abusive to his brother, or we catch him lying. Similarly, if he chooses to do extra tasks, he can earn more.
The financial incentive works, especially if he has a stroppy week and ends up with 50p pocket money, but again, you need to be resolute and united, and let him learn that rewards are based on behaviour.
The biggest change we have noticed is actually in ourselves, what we react to, what escalates, and how we deal with confrontation. In a nutshell, we don't react, and if he gets confrontational, we pretty much blank him until he calms down.
Admittedly we now believe there are underlying issues with him that we are looking to diagnose/address/deal with, but that's a separate matter.
Do look at professional assistance though, it will make a difference.
Puggit said:
Is there another adult in his life that he listens to? Someone needs to spell out to him that he's a selfish little prick and that you are looking out for him because of your kindness, not a legal necessity.
I would certainly be limiting access to internet until his behaviour improves. Easy enough to do by changing the router password.
He does have grandparents who live in Brittany, he is in contact with them from time to time. I might suggest that they get in touch with him and try to talk to him.I would certainly be limiting access to internet until his behaviour improves. Easy enough to do by changing the router password.
His internet access has been reduced to a couple of hours in the evening. I limited it during the day so he can't stay home playing on his PS4 rather than being at school.
SlimRick said:
His internet access has been reduced to a couple of hours in the evening. I limited it during the day so he can't stay home playing on his PS4 rather than being at school.
This too - we have 2 hours per day at a time of his choosing, and dependent upon his behaviour he can have more, however we have found that without internet access, he is being more socially engaging. We've also found that an internet lockdown works wonders for behaviour management sanctions. S11Steve said:
SlimRick said:
His internet access has been reduced to a couple of hours in the evening. I limited it during the day so he can't stay home playing on his PS4 rather than being at school.
This too - we have 2 hours per day at a time of his choosing, and dependent upon his behaviour he can have more, however we have found that without internet access, he is being more socially engaging. We've also found that an internet lockdown works wonders for behaviour management sanctions. SlimRick said:
He wants no contact with either of them. Both have tried but he will just ignore any efforts.
As far as I know, his mum is quite a bit better than she was, although I think she still drinks a lot.
Speaking from experience, i would suggest that no matter how many 'i don't give a f**k about them' comments, there will still be a small part of him that will want them to care about him. My dad tried getting in contact once...i said no....so he gave up. I might have said no, but what i wanted was for him to try harder, prove to me that he actually wanted me, blah blah blah. You get my point though,As far as I know, his mum is quite a bit better than she was, although I think she still drinks a lot.
My list of possibles goes:
Pressure from school getting to him, A levels and teachers going on and on about the most important 2 years of your life can be a bit much
New baby making him feel like he isnt part of the family. (does he have your surname?)
Having issues dealing with the whole mum/dad thing
Being bullied
girl problems
On a side note, when he is older, he will really appreciate what you have done for him. Its an amazing thing
It might be teenage rebellion. If it is you need to nip it in the bud as he'll be pushing to see how far the boundaries are. If it isn't you'll be in for years of heartbreak and pain.
This thread is fairly old but quite sobering too http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php...
I posted on that thread in 2012 when my son was 16 and we had 2 or 3 really bad years after that. He looked like he was getting back on track but underneath there's still the lying conniving little s
t he always was. He's just better at hiding it now but it's still there. He's the very definition of sociopath.
This thread is fairly old but quite sobering too http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php...
I posted on that thread in 2012 when my son was 16 and we had 2 or 3 really bad years after that. He looked like he was getting back on track but underneath there's still the lying conniving little s
t he always was. He's just better at hiding it now but it's still there. He's the very definition of sociopath.It all sounds tied in with the 8-month old, doesn't it?
He's yours, essentially, and the 9-year old is hers. Now, suddenly, there's a child that belongs to both of you.
I expect he's feeling a bit left out and wondering where his place is in life. I'd try and spend a bit of father-son time with him. Do you have a common interest that would take you both out of the house for a little while and give you a chance to chat?
He's yours, essentially, and the 9-year old is hers. Now, suddenly, there's a child that belongs to both of you.
I expect he's feeling a bit left out and wondering where his place is in life. I'd try and spend a bit of father-son time with him. Do you have a common interest that would take you both out of the house for a little while and give you a chance to chat?
I certainly sympathise, and you DO have to allow him a certain amount of leeway as he probably has had a fairly st life compared to most, and he probably WILL grow out of it, but that's no use to you now.
No excuse for leaving doors open all nigh though, that's just basic common sense.
I went through hell with one of my three sons between 14 and 21, but now he is 32 he is the kindest most considerate person you could meet.
I think you need to look at limiting internet access, as this is like a drug to kids.
t life compared to most, and he probably WILL grow out of it, but that's no use to you now.No excuse for leaving doors open all nigh though, that's just basic common sense.
I went through hell with one of my three sons between 14 and 21, but now he is 32 he is the kindest most considerate person you could meet.
I think you need to look at limiting internet access, as this is like a drug to kids.
Well done on seeking help!
Not to go all holier than though, but please do have a look at and consider some family therapy.
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/services_...
Yours is obviously a very delicate family situation and there is a lot going on that needs to be dealt with in both your life, and the child's.
You sound like you are doing lots of very positive things, but sometimes the most difficult thing to do best is to listen and communicate with the child. I personally don't have any experience in this field, but know that my mother deals with cases similar to, and often far more complex than this on a daily basis. A lot of progress can be made in a short period of time, and it's important to seek help before it gets too out of hand.
Just my 2p - sorry I can't give direct advice.
ETA I see S11Steve mentioned some great stuff too. I'd take his very wise words on board as well.
Not to go all holier than though, but please do have a look at and consider some family therapy.
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/services_...
Yours is obviously a very delicate family situation and there is a lot going on that needs to be dealt with in both your life, and the child's.
You sound like you are doing lots of very positive things, but sometimes the most difficult thing to do best is to listen and communicate with the child. I personally don't have any experience in this field, but know that my mother deals with cases similar to, and often far more complex than this on a daily basis. A lot of progress can be made in a short period of time, and it's important to seek help before it gets too out of hand.
Just my 2p - sorry I can't give direct advice.
ETA I see S11Steve mentioned some great stuff too. I'd take his very wise words on board as well.
OP Feel for you.
My step-lad had to come and live with us when he was 14/15 due to his dad's keeping his penis in his pants issues. I think it's fair to say that he did not want to come and live with us.
We had lots of the issues that you have - and over and above including some drugs use. Lots of what you say about lethargy and lack of interest ring bells. I would not be so quick to dismiss this knowing what I know now.
The result for our lad was that he wrecked his GCSE's, and rocked about for a few months, with various tactics. Cash was not one that has ever worked - he seems to have endless pals happy to buy him drinks..
What has worked is getting a job, and given him a sense of worth. He's now very nearly 21 and has a very different ethic in life. I'm actually quite proud of him.
There are no easy answers - and what has worked for one, is not necessarily the answer for another. Stick with it as it will get better...
He's still daft as a rabbit though, and I deeply wish he'd stop losing door keys...
My step-lad had to come and live with us when he was 14/15 due to his dad's keeping his penis in his pants issues. I think it's fair to say that he did not want to come and live with us.
We had lots of the issues that you have - and over and above including some drugs use. Lots of what you say about lethargy and lack of interest ring bells. I would not be so quick to dismiss this knowing what I know now.
The result for our lad was that he wrecked his GCSE's, and rocked about for a few months, with various tactics. Cash was not one that has ever worked - he seems to have endless pals happy to buy him drinks..
What has worked is getting a job, and given him a sense of worth. He's now very nearly 21 and has a very different ethic in life. I'm actually quite proud of him.
There are no easy answers - and what has worked for one, is not necessarily the answer for another. Stick with it as it will get better...
He's still daft as a rabbit though, and I deeply wish he'd stop losing door keys...
S11Steve said:
Mine has managed to bypass parental controls by using a VPN, but our router controls access time for each attached device so we manage it through that. Judging by his over dramatics at 9.30pm, we know it works.
Those are also easy to bypass once they work out how to change IP or MAC address depending on which is it blocking against. I went with implementing a RADIUS server and named logins for the WiFi using WPA Enterprise (rather than a universal WiFi password). The accounts had a timed login window, and I had a nightly script that would reset the routers when the window kicked in to force them to login again. An enormous faff. Then they started tethering their phones and using those as hotspots. I drew the line at using the vodafone app to block data remotely each night as it was a manual task, so now I only do that when I need to use the nuclear option.
Have you asked his what it is? Some parents can do a lot of talking and not a lot of listening and it sounds like he is trying to find something in his life and it might be attention, love, avoidance of something. I agree with many posters who say to attempt to do fun things with him and try to give him more responsibility if possible. It is tough but letting him make his own decisions is part of growing up and it sounds like the "tough love" chats don't work with him. Wish you all the best with this
The jiffle king said:
Have you asked his what it is? Some parents can do a lot of talking and not a lot of listening and it sounds like he is trying to find something in his life and it might be attention, love, avoidance of something. I agree with many posters who say to attempt to do fun things with him and try to give him more responsibility if possible. It is tough but letting him make his own decisions is part of growing up and it sounds like the "tough love" chats don't work with him. Wish you all the best with this
When we tried this initially, it was all "I want this, and I want that, I don't want to do this, I won't go there" etc, which we listened to. When asked what would he do in return in order to get that, it "why should I have to do anything?".It took a little while for him to understand the concept of negotiation and compromise - we are still a long way from it yet, but little steps are whittling down that sense of self-entitlement.
Therapeutic parenting was designed for kids who have been displaced or have other causes for disrupted development. It's a godsend for adopted and fostered kids (I am raising two nieces).
It's about setting firm boundaries but enforcing them with empathy rather than force, as well as teaching kids how to regulate their own emotions, and to understand natural consequences.
There are some excellent books and a very helpful Facebook group run by one of the foremost trainers. I was introduced to this via social services and believe me, if you can get your head round it, it actually does help a lot with kids who struggle with their emotion, e.g defiance, anxiety, blowing up etc
I would be happy to pass on more details if you want.
It's about setting firm boundaries but enforcing them with empathy rather than force, as well as teaching kids how to regulate their own emotions, and to understand natural consequences.
There are some excellent books and a very helpful Facebook group run by one of the foremost trainers. I was introduced to this via social services and believe me, if you can get your head round it, it actually does help a lot with kids who struggle with their emotion, e.g defiance, anxiety, blowing up etc
I would be happy to pass on more details if you want.
AndrewEH1 said:
You also need to treat him like an adult, rather than just dictate to him try and have an open discussion without playing a blame game.
An unfortunate situation, poor lad. Poor you for having to put up with it but I agree, you need to have a chat with him when he's not in a mood and see if you can get to the bottom of it. I suspect he feels pressure from his A level and perhaps puts it down to another thing he's going to "fail at", as well as being abandoned by his biological parents and a new woman/baby being on the scene. If he's old enough, take him out for a pint and and game of pool and talk to him in a friendly setting. I would also let him know how you feel about his behaviour and the distress it's causing other family members. If you put a sensible argument forward and let him know you are there to support him, hopefully things will work out.
Try reading this book called the Chimp Paradox, it explains a lot, here's an extract: http://www.ncctc.co.uk/files/8014/3566/7344/The_Ch...
Edited by anonymous-user on Tuesday 28th March 17:23
S11Steve said:
I'm going through the exact same with my other halfs son, albeit he is only 14. He still feels a lot of loyalty for his father, which is understandable, however both his, and his fathers moral compass are somewhat adrift. Their idea of right and wrong is considerably different to the majority of people, and it is something that we are having to manage.
Without getting into too many personal questions, have you engaged with MAST or CAMHS yet? We have been through both and taken part in the Triple P parenting course, with a view of going onto the advanced course at some point later this year. http://www.triplep-parenting.uk.net/uk-en/triple-p...
First point, is that you and your wife/partner MUST be resolutely united on all decisions. If there is any sign of weakness or disgreement between you, then this will be exploited. Compromise will be necessary - as a step-father, I don't have, nor ever will, the biological bond, so I have to accept that my other half does have a slightly different viewpoint to mine at times.
Secondly, he needs to be engaged with you both, as hard as it may seem. We are still working in this one, but they are small steps like letting him choose dinner for a day, and discussing openly what he wants from his place in the house, and what we would like.
Yes, the messy, stroppy, food guzzling and poor hygiene is part and parcel of it, but the stealing, lying and lack of respect for other peoples property is not.
He earns his pocket money/allowance by adhering to some set rules, basic stuff like walking the dog, being in bed by a certain time, and also remembering personal hygiene. He also forfeits a days allowance when he is abusive to his brother, or we catch him lying. Similarly, if he chooses to do extra tasks, he can earn more.
The financial incentive works, especially if he has a stroppy week and ends up with 50p pocket money, but again, you need to be resolute and united, and let him learn that rewards are based on behaviour.
The biggest change we have noticed is actually in ourselves, what we react to, what escalates, and how we deal with confrontation. In a nutshell, we don't react, and if he gets confrontational, we pretty much blank him until he calms down.
Admittedly we now believe there are underlying issues with him that we are looking to diagnose/address/deal with, but that's a separate matter.
Do look at professional assistance though, it will make a difference.
How does this play out when the child has his own job ?Without getting into too many personal questions, have you engaged with MAST or CAMHS yet? We have been through both and taken part in the Triple P parenting course, with a view of going onto the advanced course at some point later this year. http://www.triplep-parenting.uk.net/uk-en/triple-p...
First point, is that you and your wife/partner MUST be resolutely united on all decisions. If there is any sign of weakness or disgreement between you, then this will be exploited. Compromise will be necessary - as a step-father, I don't have, nor ever will, the biological bond, so I have to accept that my other half does have a slightly different viewpoint to mine at times.
Secondly, he needs to be engaged with you both, as hard as it may seem. We are still working in this one, but they are small steps like letting him choose dinner for a day, and discussing openly what he wants from his place in the house, and what we would like.
Yes, the messy, stroppy, food guzzling and poor hygiene is part and parcel of it, but the stealing, lying and lack of respect for other peoples property is not.
He earns his pocket money/allowance by adhering to some set rules, basic stuff like walking the dog, being in bed by a certain time, and also remembering personal hygiene. He also forfeits a days allowance when he is abusive to his brother, or we catch him lying. Similarly, if he chooses to do extra tasks, he can earn more.
The financial incentive works, especially if he has a stroppy week and ends up with 50p pocket money, but again, you need to be resolute and united, and let him learn that rewards are based on behaviour.
The biggest change we have noticed is actually in ourselves, what we react to, what escalates, and how we deal with confrontation. In a nutshell, we don't react, and if he gets confrontational, we pretty much blank him until he calms down.
Admittedly we now believe there are underlying issues with him that we are looking to diagnose/address/deal with, but that's a separate matter.
Do look at professional assistance though, it will make a difference.
I used to enjoy arguing and fighting with my step father , under 16 i had a part time job and at 16 i started work on the post so there was no way you could stop pocket money.
The thing that worked for me/us is i moved out at 18 .
I had to learn quick to budget , keep the flat/house tidy so when i did go back to my parents it wasn't to scrounge money it was for a chat and advice as to mortgages , savings , budgeting , cooking etc.
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