Problem teenager in the house.
Discussion
SlimRick said:
I went to view the house yesterday - I'd happily move into it if I were single! I sent this message to the teenager this morning:
So, pretty much what I suggested in my post: "decision time sunny jim, grow the fMe said:
I went to look at the shared house yesterday. The bedroom is small, but the house is big and you would share the living room, kitchen etc. There is fibre broadband and a secure garden to keep your bike. You'd be sharing with 4 other young people, all working or at college. It's near Sainsbury's so it's close to the centre of town.
So, it's decision time. The options are (in order of preference)
1.
So, it's decision time. The options are (in order of preference)
1.
Teenager said:
2
k up and sort yourself out!"Please just remember to send him on his way with love, even if you grit your teeth. That way, when (not if) he runs into problems he really can't solve, he knows he can come and ask advice and he's not personal non grata.
I hope it all works out for the best.There was a lad at my school who was a proper tearaway. No interest in learning or discipline, but fast forward five years and he'd started his own business and built it into a successful enterprise, with double-digit employees and a loyal following of customers. He was just a square peg being banged into a round hole and as soon as he got some freedom, he was up and away.
I hope it all works out for the best.There was a lad at my school who was a proper tearaway. No interest in learning or discipline, but fast forward five years and he'd started his own business and built it into a successful enterprise, with double-digit employees and a loyal following of customers. He was just a square peg being banged into a round hole and as soon as he got some freedom, he was up and away.
So he's decided option 2, which could actually be calling your bluff to see if you do it, he could actually be terrified of moving out. If that's his decision pay the deposit and help him move, it's sink or swim time for him. As another poster said, send him off with best wishes, a food parcel and the option to return under option 1.
OP my situation is very similar. I raised a stepson from the age of two. His mother fked off with an affair partner a year ago just before he turned 16 and did his GCSE's (cue 'dire separation' thread in SP+L which some will have read). Son stayed with me for the most part and I thought we bonded well over the circumstances, we took holidays together and spent loads of time in each other's company, he stayed at mine exclusively and only started rebuilding a relationship with his mother when she subsequently left the tt she ran away with, late last year, and setup her own home.
Yet we are now dealing with all of the behaviour you've described. He started a college course in September, an easy one at that, with the opportunity to improve his core GCSEs and catch up after I explained the unfortunately family circumstances and the likely impact it had on his year 11. He's now thrown the towel in and refuses to attend. He actively desecrates his living environment to the point I'd describe as vandalism rather than just untidyness - he hides food waste in places he knows it will simply rot until discovered, leaves bottles of piss around despite having an en-suite, etc. you could fill a bin bag with pure rubbish just thrown on the floor. Its got to the point where I can no longer offer him free reign of my home and I won't give him a key, so he stays with his mother most of the time. His PS4 has had to be confiscated due to the impact I felt it was having on college (by his inability to regulate gaming vs sleeping) and I have cut his phone contract off after he rang up silly excess charges. He point blank refuses to contribute in any way and as a 6'2 athletic teenager will sit and watch me stacking firewood or cutting grass despite suffering spinal cord damage only a year ago. He cannot be compelled to 'lend a hand' in any sense and thinks he is entitled to everything he receives. He worryingly has a sadistic streak and enjoys taunting and bullying his younger autistic sister.
I just feel as though I've reached the point where I no longer feel ashamed to think"fk it, I've done everything I can for the lad, he's not my problem any more" which is terribly sad.
ked off with an affair partner a year ago just before he turned 16 and did his GCSE's (cue 'dire separation' thread in SP+L which some will have read). Son stayed with me for the most part and I thought we bonded well over the circumstances, we took holidays together and spent loads of time in each other's company, he stayed at mine exclusively and only started rebuilding a relationship with his mother when she subsequently left the tt she ran away with, late last year, and setup her own home.Yet we are now dealing with all of the behaviour you've described. He started a college course in September, an easy one at that, with the opportunity to improve his core GCSEs and catch up after I explained the unfortunately family circumstances and the likely impact it had on his year 11. He's now thrown the towel in and refuses to attend. He actively desecrates his living environment to the point I'd describe as vandalism rather than just untidyness - he hides food waste in places he knows it will simply rot until discovered, leaves bottles of piss around despite having an en-suite, etc. you could fill a bin bag with pure rubbish just thrown on the floor. Its got to the point where I can no longer offer him free reign of my home and I won't give him a key, so he stays with his mother most of the time. His PS4 has had to be confiscated due to the impact I felt it was having on college (by his inability to regulate gaming vs sleeping) and I have cut his phone contract off after he rang up silly excess charges. He point blank refuses to contribute in any way and as a 6'2 athletic teenager will sit and watch me stacking firewood or cutting grass despite suffering spinal cord damage only a year ago. He cannot be compelled to 'lend a hand' in any sense and thinks he is entitled to everything he receives. He worryingly has a sadistic streak and enjoys taunting and bullying his younger autistic sister.
I just feel as though I've reached the point where I no longer feel ashamed to think"f
k it, I've done everything I can for the lad, he's not my problem any more" which is terribly sad.Edited by theboss on Friday 31st March 10:56
And with poetic timing to this thread, the youngest's child school has called us to discuss a safeguarding issue in regards to his older brother.
No idea what's going on until later, but we could tell last night that the youngest was quite sullen and distressed, but wouldn't talk about it, but it does look like a social services issue again...
Oh joy.
No idea what's going on until later, but we could tell last night that the youngest was quite sullen and distressed, but wouldn't talk about it, but it does look like a social services issue again...
Oh joy.
S11Steve said:
And with poetic timing to this thread, the youngest's child school has called us to discuss a safeguarding issue in regards to his older brother.
No idea what's going on until later, but we could tell last night that the youngest was quite sullen and distressed, but wouldn't talk about it, but it does look like a social services issue again...
Oh joy.
You have my sympathies. No idea what's going on until later, but we could tell last night that the youngest was quite sullen and distressed, but wouldn't talk about it, but it does look like a social services issue again...
Oh joy.
theboss said:
OP my situation is very similar. I raised a stepson from the age of two. His mother fked off with an affair partner a year ago just before he turned 16 and did his GCSE's (cue 'dire separation' thread in SP+L which some will have read). Son stayed with me for the most part and I thought we bonded well over the circumstances, we took holidays together and spent loads of time in each other's company, he stayed at mine exclusively and only started rebuilding a relationship with his mother when she subsequently left the tt she ran away with, late last year, and setup her own home.
Yet we are now dealing with all of the behaviour you've described. He started a college course in September, an easy one at that, with the opportunity to improve his core GCSEs and catch up after I explained the unfortunately family circumstances and the likely impact it had on his year 11. He's now thrown the towel in and refuses to attend. He actively desecrates his living environment to the point I'd describe as vandalism rather than just untidyness - he hides food waste in places he knows it will simply rot until discovered, leaves bottles of piss around despite having an en-suite, etc. you could fill a bin bag with pure rubbish just thrown on the floor. Its got to the point where I can no longer offer him free reign of my home and I won't give him a key, so he stays with his mother most of the time. His PS4 has had to be confiscated due to the impact I felt it was having on college (by his inability to regulate gaming vs sleeping) and I have cut his phone contract off after he rang up silly excess charges. He point blank refuses to contribute in any way and as a 6'2 athletic teenager will sit and watch me stacking firewood or cutting grass despite suffering spinal cord damage only a year ago. He cannot be compelled to 'lend a hand' in any sense and thinks he is entitled to everything he receives. He worryingly has a sadistic streak and enjoys taunting and bullying his younger autistic sister.
I just feel as though I've reached the point where I no longer feel ashamed to think"fk it, I've done everything I can for the lad, he's not my problem any more" which is terribly sad.
What is really striking is that, having been involved all sorts of training programmes around extreme behaviours of children I've heard many many stories of adopted or fostered kids, small or big, exhibiting the behaviours you describe - e.g. food hoarding, aggression, destruction of own property and personal areas, urination/soiling on themselves, or in their rooms.ked off with an affair partner a year ago just before he turned 16 and did his GCSE's (cue 'dire separation' thread in SP+L which some will have read). Son stayed with me for the most part and I thought we bonded well over the circumstances, we took holidays together and spent loads of time in each other's company, he stayed at mine exclusively and only started rebuilding a relationship with his mother when she subsequently left the tt she ran away with, late last year, and setup her own home.Yet we are now dealing with all of the behaviour you've described. He started a college course in September, an easy one at that, with the opportunity to improve his core GCSEs and catch up after I explained the unfortunately family circumstances and the likely impact it had on his year 11. He's now thrown the towel in and refuses to attend. He actively desecrates his living environment to the point I'd describe as vandalism rather than just untidyness - he hides food waste in places he knows it will simply rot until discovered, leaves bottles of piss around despite having an en-suite, etc. you could fill a bin bag with pure rubbish just thrown on the floor. Its got to the point where I can no longer offer him free reign of my home and I won't give him a key, so he stays with his mother most of the time. His PS4 has had to be confiscated due to the impact I felt it was having on college (by his inability to regulate gaming vs sleeping) and I have cut his phone contract off after he rang up silly excess charges. He point blank refuses to contribute in any way and as a 6'2 athletic teenager will sit and watch me stacking firewood or cutting grass despite suffering spinal cord damage only a year ago. He cannot be compelled to 'lend a hand' in any sense and thinks he is entitled to everything he receives. He worryingly has a sadistic streak and enjoys taunting and bullying his younger autistic sister.
I just feel as though I've reached the point where I no longer feel ashamed to think"f
k it, I've done everything I can for the lad, he's not my problem any more" which is terribly sad.Edited by theboss on Friday 31st March 10:56
You don't have to put up with it, and your reaction is quite natural. However, I say this in case it helps you not feel so hurt and ground down by the behaviour -- don't underestimate how much being abandoned by mum might have f
ked him up, even at his age!One of the saddest threads I've read on PH 
I have 3 step sons, I can't believe how lucky I've been, all adults now, and I never saw any of this behaviour from any of them.
Sure it gets tough, the transition from kid, to young adult can be hard. I used the line 'that's not the way the world works' alot, and always reminded them of their responsibilities, not their rights, which in fact, they actually don't have much of after 16?
You're allowed to live here because we love you, don't test it
Your Mum doesn't have to do everything for you, so appreciate it
And so on and so forth.
These years are the most important for personality development, everyone has psychopathic traits to a point, it's just how much of them make up the entire you.
Good luck to everyone on here
I have 3 step sons, I can't believe how lucky I've been, all adults now, and I never saw any of this behaviour from any of them.
Sure it gets tough, the transition from kid, to young adult can be hard. I used the line 'that's not the way the world works' alot, and always reminded them of their responsibilities, not their rights, which in fact, they actually don't have much of after 16?
You're allowed to live here because we love you, don't test it
Your Mum doesn't have to do everything for you, so appreciate it
And so on and so forth.
These years are the most important for personality development, everyone has psychopathic traits to a point, it's just how much of them make up the entire you.
Good luck to everyone on here
oldbanger said:
What is really striking is that, having been involved all sorts of training programmes around extreme behaviours of children I've heard many many stories of adopted or fostered kids, small or big, exhibiting the behaviours you describe - e.g. food hoarding, aggression, destruction of own property and personal areas, urination/soiling on themselves, or in their rooms.
You don't have to put up with it, and your reaction is quite natural. However, I say this in case it helps you not feel so hurt and ground down by the behaviour -- don't underestimate how much being abandoned by mum might have fked him up, even at his age!
I have genuinely tried to do everything I can for him, as anyone who knows me personally would attest.You don't have to put up with it, and your reaction is quite natural. However, I say this in case it helps you not feel so hurt and ground down by the behaviour -- don't underestimate how much being abandoned by mum might have f
ked him up, even at his age!Ultimately I feel I failed in that I always thought I would provide unconditional love and support, but when the step-parent relationship becomes voluntary after the dissolution of the relationship and the said child then starts kicking you in the teeth at every opportunity, I suppose its only natural to reach the end of one's tether. I told him he can still stay with me but showing basic respect for my home and rules is mandatory and I'll have zero tolerance. Its an even bigger kick in the face when I'm having to adapt to a major health setback and would hope for a little support - having to carry a bone idle teenager who stubbornly refuses to wipe his own backside, is not an my agenda.
OP I hope the children's services matter was a minor one... keep us posted
theboss said:
I have genuinely tried to do everything I can for him, as anyone who knows me personally would attest.
Ultimately I feel I failed in that I always thought I would provide unconditional love and support, but when the step-parent relationship becomes voluntary after the dissolution of the relationship and the said child then starts kicking you in the teeth at every opportunity, I suppose its only natural to reach the end of one's tether. I told him he can still stay with me but showing basic respect for my home and rules is mandatory and I'll have zero tolerance. Its an even bigger kick in the face when I'm having to adapt to a major health setback and would hope for a little support - having to carry a bone idle teenager who stubbornly refuses to wipe his own backside, is not an my agenda.
OP I hope the children's services matter was a minor one... keep us posted
Nobody could blame you if you did the obvious, tell him to get the fUltimately I feel I failed in that I always thought I would provide unconditional love and support, but when the step-parent relationship becomes voluntary after the dissolution of the relationship and the said child then starts kicking you in the teeth at every opportunity, I suppose its only natural to reach the end of one's tether. I told him he can still stay with me but showing basic respect for my home and rules is mandatory and I'll have zero tolerance. Its an even bigger kick in the face when I'm having to adapt to a major health setback and would hope for a little support - having to carry a bone idle teenager who stubbornly refuses to wipe his own backside, is not an my agenda.
OP I hope the children's services matter was a minor one... keep us posted
k out and sort himself out on his own. Some people never appreciate how good they have it until you take it away.so he still has a PS4, and access to it. Im afraid i would be confiscating that, no mobile phone, no pocket money and NO new clothes. As a teenager, the clothes bit would have bothered me most.
Unfortunately as a teenager i took up smoking and drinking early on, i remember clearly giving my mum a mouthful of abuse and my dad, who was sitting at other of end of sofa, spinning me off the seat onto the floor with a knee on my chest, telling me to apologise. Certainly gave me a shock and it was same with my two younger brothers. We all had a shot at testing him out.
No doubt the PC brigade will make something out of that, but its how kids test out the boundaries, they have to learn about consequences of their actions. Just look at teenagers attitudes towards police officers now they cant clout them round the ear.
Unfortunately as a teenager i took up smoking and drinking early on, i remember clearly giving my mum a mouthful of abuse and my dad, who was sitting at other of end of sofa, spinning me off the seat onto the floor with a knee on my chest, telling me to apologise. Certainly gave me a shock and it was same with my two younger brothers. We all had a shot at testing him out.
No doubt the PC brigade will make something out of that, but its how kids test out the boundaries, they have to learn about consequences of their actions. Just look at teenagers attitudes towards police officers now they cant clout them round the ear.
SlimRick said:
I went to view the house yesterday - I'd happily move into it if I were single! I sent this message to the teenager this morning:
That's hilarious. Me said:
I went to look at the shared house yesterday. The bedroom is small, but the house is big and you would share the living room, kitchen etc. There is fibre broadband and a secure garden to keep your bike. You'd be sharing with 4 other young people, all working or at college. It's near Sainsbury's so it's close to the centre of town.
So, it's decision time. The options are (in order of preference)
1. Stay at home, change your attitude towards us, the house and whatever rules we put in place. We want you back the way you used to be!
2. Move to the shared house. We pay the rent, you have as much freedom as you want.
3. You move back with your mum. I've spoken to her and this is a possibility for a while.
4. You do nothing to decide the above and you end up homeless. We're under no obligation to house you now you're sixteen. We don't have to put up with the way you speak to us. We're not equals, you are living in our house and even if you don't like it you have to abide by our rules.
We need a decision today, this morning preferably as there is no guarantee that the room in the shared house will be available for long.
Don't ignore this. If we don't have a decision from you we will have to make it for you, and as we can't make you change your behaviour and we won't pay for a room elsewhere unless we know you're going to move into it then the only options left are 3 and 4. The shared room and staying with your mum could both be done on a trial basis for a month or so.
We love you, and want you to stay with us, but no-one is happy the way things are so something has to change.
Love dad.
And this was his entire reply:So, it's decision time. The options are (in order of preference)
1. Stay at home, change your attitude towards us, the house and whatever rules we put in place. We want you back the way you used to be!
2. Move to the shared house. We pay the rent, you have as much freedom as you want.
3. You move back with your mum. I've spoken to her and this is a possibility for a while.
4. You do nothing to decide the above and you end up homeless. We're under no obligation to house you now you're sixteen. We don't have to put up with the way you speak to us. We're not equals, you are living in our house and even if you don't like it you have to abide by our rules.
We need a decision today, this morning preferably as there is no guarantee that the room in the shared house will be available for long.
Don't ignore this. If we don't have a decision from you we will have to make it for you, and as we can't make you change your behaviour and we won't pay for a room elsewhere unless we know you're going to move into it then the only options left are 3 and 4. The shared room and staying with your mum could both be done on a trial basis for a month or so.
We love you, and want you to stay with us, but no-one is happy the way things are so something has to change.
Love dad.
Teenager said:
2
Pack him off, he sounds like a bit of a t
t tbh. And he will last 5 minutes in that shared house as his housemates wont put up with his st, they will wither lob him out or beat him the fk up. Make sure he knows you will pay his rent, and that's it. Nothing else and wont get involved in the s
t storm that is no doubt ahead. Of course, surely the current housemates have to agree to let him stay with them. Based of what you've said, they wont let him if they have any sense.
Sorry, but he sounds like a right laser. But you are not responsible for him so get rid of him pdq.
Yeah option 2 sounds too appealing, tbh i think your making it too easy for him. Think back to when you were 16, how were you with your parents? How did they treat you back? What would your dad have done if you mouthed off like that?.
As much as some of us would hate to admit, your parents did a sterling job bringing us up, to do what we do and to voice our opinions on here.
To put an impressionable 16 year old, acting like a billy big balls tt, into a house with people who have no interest in his future, and may impart questionable life experience onto him isnt a great escape in my honest opinion.
As much as some of us would hate to admit, your parents did a sterling job bringing us up, to do what we do and to voice our opinions on here.
To put an impressionable 16 year old, acting like a billy big balls t
t, into a house with people who have no interest in his future, and may impart questionable life experience onto him isnt a great escape in my honest opinion. And im not trying to say its easy or i know whats it like to have step kids, but for sake of a few years and a bit of hard discipline, you may turn out a fairly reasonable, well turned out kid and hold your head up high, rather than beat yourself up for years to come by washing your hands.
CoolHands said:
Teenager said:
2
Text him the address and that's that.Good luck op.
By way of a brief update:
I went to look at the shared house on Friday, and took him to look at it on Sunday. I told him I will pay the rent until he is eighteen or until he leaves full time education, whichever comes first.
He works part time so he does have money to pay for living expenses, and this is why the suggestions of confiscating PS4, TV, phone etc aren't possible. He has bought most of those things himself.
He likes the idea of moving out and has accepted one of the rooms available, paying a little extra rent himself to get a bigger room. The other conditions to him moving out are that he comes round at least once a week, preferable for Sunday dinner, and we will review the whole situation after 3 months. If it's not working out there is the option of moving back home subject to some significant changes in his behaviour.
We've seen nothing of him this week so there's been no more arguments or abuse. We have been called into the school tomorrow to discuss the lack of attendance and poor performance there. He won't discuss school with us, all we get is "I'll deal with it". I have a feeling that the choice to continue his A levels may be taken out of his hands.
I went to look at the shared house on Friday, and took him to look at it on Sunday. I told him I will pay the rent until he is eighteen or until he leaves full time education, whichever comes first.
He works part time so he does have money to pay for living expenses, and this is why the suggestions of confiscating PS4, TV, phone etc aren't possible. He has bought most of those things himself.
He likes the idea of moving out and has accepted one of the rooms available, paying a little extra rent himself to get a bigger room. The other conditions to him moving out are that he comes round at least once a week, preferable for Sunday dinner, and we will review the whole situation after 3 months. If it's not working out there is the option of moving back home subject to some significant changes in his behaviour.
We've seen nothing of him this week so there's been no more arguments or abuse. We have been called into the school tomorrow to discuss the lack of attendance and poor performance there. He won't discuss school with us, all we get is "I'll deal with it". I have a feeling that the choice to continue his A levels may be taken out of his hands.
Vi16v said:
To put an impressionable 16 year old, acting like a billy big balls tt, into a house with people who have no interest in his future, and may impart questionable life experience onto him isnt a great escape in my honest opinion.
He is considered an adult legally, old enough to leave school, start work, sign on the dole, marry, join the army, ride a scooter etc etc. The world has turned since many of us were that age and nowadays 16 years olds still seem to be treated as small children. I had several friends who left home at 16 and went out to fend for thems lives at that age, got a small flat, paid their way etc. Most of them survived the shock treatment. t, into a house with people who have no interest in his future, and may impart questionable life experience onto him isnt a great escape in my honest opinion. But the new age is upon on: I am not responsible, I am a victim, everything is someone's else's fault......
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff