Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Skyedriver]

Courtesy of Matt in the Telegraph

[shakotan]

Ponpiman said:

GloverMart said:

epom said:

International Womens Day today, was supposed to be yesterday but they weren't ready in time....

I'll be glad when it's all over, I'm getting hungry here!

To all the misogynists complaining why there is no International Mens Day. Understand that men would need much longer than a day to celebrate all of our achievements.

But there IS an International Men's Day. [/kitten]

[MJG280]

International Men's Day is on the 19 November this year.
The date of the event coincides with World Toilet Day

[Radec]

MJG280 said:

International Men's Day is on the 19 November this year.
The date of the event coincides with World Toilet Day

Will this be the only day we are allowed to leave the seat up?

[Skyedriver]

That'll be flushed with success then

[Master Of Puppets]

Just saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself "That's a little condescending."

[CanAm]

Radec said:

Will this be the only day we are allowed to leave the seat up?

Women go on about the seat but hardly ever lower the lid, which is much more important from a hygiene point of view.
So I used to annoy my wife by putting the lid down every time.

[AstonZagato]

CanAm said:

Radec said:

Will this be the only day we are allowed to leave the seat up?

Women go on about the seat but hardly ever lower the lid, which is much more important from a hygiene point of view.
So I used to annoy my wife by putting the lid down every time.

I do this all the time. None of the three women in my house pick up the hint (not does my son when he's home - but he leaves the seat up).

[Skyedriver]

Master Of Puppets said:

Just saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself "That's a little condescending."

Very clever deserves a

[mikeiow]

Skyedriver said:

Master Of Puppets said:

Just saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself "That's a little condescending."

Very clever deserves a

Reminded me about the psychic midget who escaped from prison?
The newspaper headline read "A small medium at large" !

[E3134]

mikeiow said:

Skyedriver said:

Master Of Puppets said:

Just saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself "That's a little condescending."

Very clever deserves a

Reminded me about the psychic midget who escaped from prison?
The newspaper headline read "A small medium at large" !

Similar joke, a man thought the newspaper story was about fountain pens when he read Broad Medium Fine

Turned out it was a about a female spiritualist who was now feeling well.

[MartG]

Ah, simpler times

[Skyedriver]

:smile:

[Filton-flyer]

I told my friend that my aunt is in hospital and passing the time playing draughts, ludo, mahjong etc.
"Any chess?"
"No, she's gone private."

[Filton-flyer]

I was fired from my job when I asked a customer if they wanted smoking or non-smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are cremation or burial.

[Vipers]

Englishman, Irish man and a Scotsman in a physchology lesson.

Teacher asked the Englishman what’s the opposite of joy?

He says “sorrow”.

Teacher asks the Scotsman what’s the opposite of depression?

He says “Happiness”

Teacher asks the Irishman what is the opposite of woe?

He says “Giddy up”

[C n C]

Probably had this before but..

Elton John recently bought a treadmill for his pet dwarf rabbit.

Apparently it's "a little fit bunny..."

[tvrolet]

C n C said:

Probably had this before but..

Elton John recently bought a treadmill for his pet dwarf rabbit.

Apparently it's "a little fit bunny..."

I heard he didn’t secure it down very well so it could wobble about a bit.

So the little fit bunny was just feeling the sway.

[Vipers]

[jimmytheone]