Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 11)

[Speed Badger]

C n C said:

Probably had this before but..

Elton John recently bought a treadmill for his pet dwarf rabbit.

Apparently it's "a little fit bunny..."

He then passed it to Mick Hucknall who said the bunny's too tight to mention.

Even when holding back the ears.

[Vipers]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?", “Yes”she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed..

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often
enough before.”

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

[GeneralBanter]

Vipers said:

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?", “Yes”she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed..

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often
enough before.”

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

Hahaaaa. Great tin bath joke from 1950.

[E3134]

Man goes into a pet shop, he wants to buy a talking parrot

'Just one left sir, and I am afraid it is not really a bird I can sell, but it is a good talker'

'Whats the problem with it'

'No legs sir, holds on to its perch with a prehensile willy, wraps it around the perch, you see sir'

'I will take it'

Next morning he says to the parrot, 'I am going to work now, when I come home, I want you to tell me everything that happens here'

Gets home, 'Ok what happened'

'There was a knock at the door after you had gone, a man came in, he got undressed'

'Go on, what happened next?'

'Your wife started kissing him'

'Go on, what happened next'

'She took her shirt off'

'Go on'

'She took her skirt off'

'Go on, what happened next'

'Dunno, I fell off my perch'

[Ponpiman]

What do you get if you cross an owl with a rooster?

A cock that stays up all night.

———-

What do you get if you cross peanut butter with a rooster?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth

———-

What do you get if you cross the same rooster with an onion?

Same thing but it makes your eyes water

[Vipers]

GeneralBanter said:

Hahaaaa. Great tin bath joke from 1950.

A tin bath was all we had in the 50's, get in the queu for the weekly bath, in those days kids knew how to wash, not all showers and baths 2 times a day, and we were a lot dirtier then as well

[jimmytheone]

[Still Mulling]

^^^
I hate you.

I love you.

Dammit.

[Earl of Hazzard]

[Monkeylegend]

My wife kept telling me I should be more aware of climate changes and should take my bicycle to work.

In the end to stop her nagging I thought "Why not, I've got nothing else on the roof rack"

[RGG]

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

[Rayny]

Vipers said:

A tin bath was all we had in the 50's, get in the queu for the weekly bath, in those days kids knew how to wash, not all showers and baths 2 times a day, and we were a lot dirtier then as well

A tin bath on the kitchen floor, I assume.

Back in the sixties we only had a shower - We just waited until it rained, then went outside...

[epom]

Rayny said:

Vipers said:

A tin bath was all we had in the 50's, get in the queu for the weekly bath, in those days kids knew how to wash, not all showers and baths 2 times a day, and we were a lot dirtier then as well

A tin bath on the kitchen floor, I assume.

Back in the sixties we only had a shower - We just waited until it rained, then went outside...

Ye were lucky, we didn't even have rain as kids, or an outside.

[Abbott]

RGG said:

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

..
..
..
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

1 to comment about Enlightenment

5000 to add a slight variation of puns on the Enlightenment

[GeneralBanter]

epom said:

Rayny said:

Vipers said:

A tin bath was all we had in the 50's, get in the queu for the weekly bath, in those days kids knew how to wash, not all showers and baths 2 times a day, and we were a lot dirtier then as well

A tin bath on the kitchen floor, I assume.

Back in the sixties we only had a shower - We just waited until it rained, then went outside...

Ye were lucky, we didn't even have rain as kids, or an outside.

We used to dream of not having rain or an outside, we lived in t’middleo’road.

[Bright Halo]

GeneralBanter said:

epom said:

Rayny said:

Vipers said:

A tin bath was all we had in the 50's, get in the queu for the weekly bath, in those days kids knew how to wash, not all showers and baths 2 times a day, and we were a lot dirtier then as well

A tin bath on the kitchen floor, I assume.

Back in the sixties we only had a shower - We just waited until it rained, then went outside...

Ye were lucky, we didn't even have rain as kids, or an outside.

We used to dream of not having rain or an outside, we lived in t’middleo’road.

we used to wish we could dream and be in the middle of the road. We only had a cardboard box by the drain.

[shirt]

Abbott said:

RGG said:

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

..
..
..
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

1 to comment about Enlightenment

5000 to add a slight variation of puns on the Enlightenment

Also missed

1 comment that just says tl:dr (me in this case!)

The same 4 members to argue over Brexit for months after the original OP was resolved.

[sospan]

Conspiracy theorists to extend the topic to another level.

[GeneralBanter]

Bright Halo said:

GeneralBanter said:

epom said:

Rayny said:

Vipers said:

A tin bath was all we had in the 50's, get in the queu for the weekly bath, in those days kids knew how to wash, not all showers and baths 2 times a day, and we were a lot dirtier then as well

A tin bath on the kitchen floor, I assume.

Back in the sixties we only had a shower - We just waited until it rained, then went outside...

Ye were lucky, we didn't even have rain as kids, or an outside.

We used to dream of not having rain or an outside, we lived in t’middleo’road.

we used to wish we could dream and be in the middle of the road. We only had a cardboard box by the drain.

and what would happen if you told the young folk of today?

[RGG]

Abbott said:

RGG said:

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

..
..
..
143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

1 to comment about Enlightenment

5000 to add a slight variation of puns on the Enlightenment

1 Mod to move it to the Sean Connery Joke Thread - Yes - They actually did