14yr old- flash point over him living on his PlayStation
Discussion
What do we do?
I've said 2hrs max gaming time a day to which he says go away and shut up.
If I enforce it he'll go and lie in his bed sulking for hours.
I know this is minor to some but do I enforce it by taking it away entirely for a punishment period, say days?
My wife thinks I'm mean when I enforce turning it off and he then refuses to come out of his room 'spoiling the mood in the house for everyone else'.
Help!
I've said 2hrs max gaming time a day to which he says go away and shut up.
If I enforce it he'll go and lie in his bed sulking for hours.
I know this is minor to some but do I enforce it by taking it away entirely for a punishment period, say days?
My wife thinks I'm mean when I enforce turning it off and he then refuses to come out of his room 'spoiling the mood in the house for everyone else'.
Help!
Hugo Stiglitz said:
What do we do?
do I enforce it by taking it away entirely for a punishment period, say days?
My wife thinks I'm mean when I enforce turning it off and he then refuses to come out of his room 'spoiling the mood in the house for everyone else'.
Wow. They should issue licensing for procreation. This is why we have societal problems and kids running amok.do I enforce it by taking it away entirely for a punishment period, say days?
My wife thinks I'm mean when I enforce turning it off and he then refuses to come out of his room 'spoiling the mood in the house for everyone else'.
SpydieNut said:
If my 14 year old told me to go away and shut up he’d not see the device for a very long time.
This ^. But also, what do you (as the parent) want him to do for the other 22 hours in the day? Assuming he's completed his share of the household chores and is up to date with his school work then personally it wouldn't bother me that he's (presumably) being quiet and out of the way playing online games with his mates which he clearly enjoys. This is just normal teenager stuff. Forcing him to eg. sit in the main room and watch Corrie with you because you want him to be more sociable is not going to end well for you as you'll cause a lot of anger and resentment.You're fighting a losing battle.
You're up against multiple billions spent over the last couple of decades to create pretty much the most addictive activity possible. A constant stream of micro dosed hyperstimulation/dopamine.
So - how to combat?
You can't fight the machine itself. As you've seen, a teenager on withdrawal is amazing in their ability to both revel in their misery, but also to ensure all around them also suffer it.
The only route therefore is to combat the undesirable effects of the gaming - not the gaming itself.
This can be done through open and proper dialogue, instead of command authority diktats.
Have a chat about the effects of staying up until the early hours, and effect on school/mood. About putting the necessary things before the desirable things (so homework, chores, etc., being done before gaming/fun). And so on.
This route is likely to create the conditions where the controls are mutually agreed - things like a curfew an hour before bed, getting things done and checked before going online, etc.
We battled for three years, aged 11-14, before realising we were on a hiding to nothing. Now, at 17 he's a productive, useful and actually somewhat pleasant person to be around...
You're up against multiple billions spent over the last couple of decades to create pretty much the most addictive activity possible. A constant stream of micro dosed hyperstimulation/dopamine.
So - how to combat?
You can't fight the machine itself. As you've seen, a teenager on withdrawal is amazing in their ability to both revel in their misery, but also to ensure all around them also suffer it.
The only route therefore is to combat the undesirable effects of the gaming - not the gaming itself.
This can be done through open and proper dialogue, instead of command authority diktats.
Have a chat about the effects of staying up until the early hours, and effect on school/mood. About putting the necessary things before the desirable things (so homework, chores, etc., being done before gaming/fun). And so on.
This route is likely to create the conditions where the controls are mutually agreed - things like a curfew an hour before bed, getting things done and checked before going online, etc.
We battled for three years, aged 11-14, before realising we were on a hiding to nothing. Now, at 17 he's a productive, useful and actually somewhat pleasant person to be around...
Hugo Stiglitz said:
What do we do?
I've said 2hrs max gaming time a day to which he says go away and shut up.
If I enforce it he'll go and lie in his bed sulking for hours.
I know this is minor to some but do I enforce it by taking it away entirely for a punishment period, say days?
My wife thinks I'm mean when I enforce turning it off and he then refuses to come out of his room 'spoiling the mood in the house for everyone else'.
Help!
Never forget that you are your son's parent, not his best friend.I've said 2hrs max gaming time a day to which he says go away and shut up.
If I enforce it he'll go and lie in his bed sulking for hours.
I know this is minor to some but do I enforce it by taking it away entirely for a punishment period, say days?
My wife thinks I'm mean when I enforce turning it off and he then refuses to come out of his room 'spoiling the mood in the house for everyone else'.
Help!
A few years ago, when our son was about the same age as yours, he got into a bit of trouble in school.
As a consequence of his actions he lost 'screen privileges' for the whole term. Not just xbox, but TV and phone. Nothing, Nada.
Not only did he survive this 'trauma', he changed his ways to such an extent that he became Head Boy at his school.
Boundaries and consequences. Boundaries and consequences.
I don't have kids so this is easy for me to say but why an arbitrary 2 hours and what's does he do and what is he supposed to do with the rest of his time?
I used to spend loads of time on my computer when I was a kid and it's what got me hooked and turned it into a decent career.
I also used to spend loads of time outside on my bike or in town or all the usual stuff kids do.
But at 14 if my parents had said stop playing on the computer but there was nothing else for me to do I'm not sure I'd have done much other than sulk in my room.
I'm not suggesting don't set limits but I'm not seeing much here other than "2hrs max gaming time a day" mentioned.
I used to spend loads of time on my computer when I was a kid and it's what got me hooked and turned it into a decent career.
I also used to spend loads of time outside on my bike or in town or all the usual stuff kids do.
But at 14 if my parents had said stop playing on the computer but there was nothing else for me to do I'm not sure I'd have done much other than sulk in my room.
I'm not suggesting don't set limits but I'm not seeing much here other than "2hrs max gaming time a day" mentioned.
Problem the OP has, it seems his wife doesn't back him up, his kid will know this and will play on it, there will be conflict between the OP and his wife.
We had this with my youngest, she's now 25 and by and large now, a very rounded individual, however from a young age knew her mind and was very headstrong, the wife let her get away with too much "for an easy life" which invariably ends up in the long run not being an easy life.
Nothing horrendous just general respect for the house and us, being lazy and argumentative when asked to do things such as washing up or drying up, walking the dogs, clearing up after herself etc, I would want to come down reasonably hard i.e. doing the washing up, if you argue about it then we take x away or you aren't going out with your friend at the weekend, simple things like that but no the wife didn't think it was fair (basically didn't want an argument with her), daughter would get away with it and it ends up being a thing.
Ironically the wife would then bring up friends kids who all had their chores, did them without argument but for some strange reason couldn't work out the issue our end!
Towards the end of our daughter living with us, me and her would have massive bust ups, basically down to her lack of respect for us and where she lived, mainly due to her untidyness, I would then get it in the neck from the wife for causing a scene and bringing negativity to a situation, then a few days later the wife is moaning to me about coming home from work to the kitchen looking like a bomb site as daughter hadn't cleaned up after herself before leaving for work, you just can't bloody win!
Ironically when daughter moved out and in with the boyfriend at the time, she'd moan to us about how untidy he was!
We had this with my youngest, she's now 25 and by and large now, a very rounded individual, however from a young age knew her mind and was very headstrong, the wife let her get away with too much "for an easy life" which invariably ends up in the long run not being an easy life.
Nothing horrendous just general respect for the house and us, being lazy and argumentative when asked to do things such as washing up or drying up, walking the dogs, clearing up after herself etc, I would want to come down reasonably hard i.e. doing the washing up, if you argue about it then we take x away or you aren't going out with your friend at the weekend, simple things like that but no the wife didn't think it was fair (basically didn't want an argument with her), daughter would get away with it and it ends up being a thing.
Ironically the wife would then bring up friends kids who all had their chores, did them without argument but for some strange reason couldn't work out the issue our end!
Towards the end of our daughter living with us, me and her would have massive bust ups, basically down to her lack of respect for us and where she lived, mainly due to her untidyness, I would then get it in the neck from the wife for causing a scene and bringing negativity to a situation, then a few days later the wife is moaning to me about coming home from work to the kitchen looking like a bomb site as daughter hadn't cleaned up after herself before leaving for work, you just can't bloody win!
Ironically when daughter moved out and in with the boyfriend at the time, she'd moan to us about how untidy he was!
Teenagers and phones/PlayStations/xboxes is a massive problem for many. Seen as a way of amusing kids without realising the addictive effects.
Tough to deal with. Or not.
https://youtu.be/D-fSYivJX64?si=sXYux9psOtFxTmMj
Tough to deal with. Or not.
https://youtu.be/D-fSYivJX64?si=sXYux9psOtFxTmMj
How about making him earn the time. He has to do homework or chores. Create a bank of time. Might be as simple as 1 hour of homework = 1 hour of play time. He can spend it at appropriate times (ie not 2pm on a Tuesday when he's supposed to be in school). If you're feeling generous he has a base line of 1 hour a day free, any time after that he has to earn it. Any deviation and the device goes on Ebay.
To be fair 2 hours isn’t much at all. I’d be using it as a negotiating tool. Do your homework = 30 mins, do your chores = 30 mins, exercise, washing the car, now the lawns = 30 mins.
Our kids aren’t into gaming but they do like their iPads and probably spend more than 2 hours a day on them they are pretty active though swimming, out on their bikes, walking the dog, gardening etc… I don’t mind a bit of downtime and YouTube isn’t all bad the boy was watching David Attenborough the other day about flying fish.
Our kids aren’t into gaming but they do like their iPads and probably spend more than 2 hours a day on them they are pretty active though swimming, out on their bikes, walking the dog, gardening etc… I don’t mind a bit of downtime and YouTube isn’t all bad the boy was watching David Attenborough the other day about flying fish.
Do you do much as a family or one to one parent/child stuff? Perhaps introducing him to activities outside of the house would help.
How about allowing him to earn time on Playstation? He has his baseline of two hours in the bank but can earn extra minutes/hours on a sliding scale by doing chores or participating in family activities etc.
How about allowing him to earn time on Playstation? He has his baseline of two hours in the bank but can earn extra minutes/hours on a sliding scale by doing chores or participating in family activities etc.
r3g said:
This ^. But also, what do you (as the parent) want him to do for the other 22 hours in the day? Assuming he's completed his share of the household chores and is up to date with his school work then personally it wouldn't bother me that he's (presumably) being quiet and out of the way playing online games with his mates which he clearly enjoys. This is just normal teenager stuff. Forcing him to eg. sit in the main room and watch Corrie with you because you want him to be more sociable is not going to end well for you as you'll cause a lot of anger and resentment.
Agreed.Provided they’ve done as outlined above, extended sessions on the PlayStation wouldn’t bother me, and I’d much rather my son do that over mindlessly scrolling on social media.
If however all he does is be on the PlayStation then that’s different and my approach would just be to remove the device and allow him to sulk.
This is all he does. PlayStation. He wouldn't go cycling with me this weekend. He slept in this morning so we couldn't go and see his Grandmother as unbeknown to me he sneaked and found his controller then sat till 2am playing last night.
I honestly feel that he needs a reset. Then we can start again with the PlayStation boundaries.
I honestly feel that he needs a reset. Then we can start again with the PlayStation boundaries.
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