14yr old- flash point over him living on his PlayStation
Discussion
I wasn't comfortable with my children's constant gaming, but I realised the problem was not with them, but with me.
If you're of a certain age, you'll probably think that being outdoors doing things like cycling are inherently healthier than playing games in a bedroom. But there's no actual objective basis for that (I don't buy into any of the moral panic around how it's damaging brains etc.)
It's mere generational difference. Gaming for my kids' generation is the equivalent of the playground, cinema or bike rides for mine. I'm not a gamer, but I chose to take an interest and ask them about the games they played.
I never imposed any restrictions on my kids' screen time. I occasionally still wonder if that was the wrong decision, such as when I have to remind them to put down their phones at the dinner table. But other than that, they have grown up to be really quite sensible and well adjusted young adults, I daresay a lot more than I was at their age.
Today we have very good relationships, and they talk to me about everything. I think it helped that I chose to show interest in their gaming, rather than judge them harshly for it. They still game for hours every day, but it's no different from the time you or I might spend cycling, or in the pub, or tinkering with cars.
If you're of a certain age, you'll probably think that being outdoors doing things like cycling are inherently healthier than playing games in a bedroom. But there's no actual objective basis for that (I don't buy into any of the moral panic around how it's damaging brains etc.)
It's mere generational difference. Gaming for my kids' generation is the equivalent of the playground, cinema or bike rides for mine. I'm not a gamer, but I chose to take an interest and ask them about the games they played.
I never imposed any restrictions on my kids' screen time. I occasionally still wonder if that was the wrong decision, such as when I have to remind them to put down their phones at the dinner table. But other than that, they have grown up to be really quite sensible and well adjusted young adults, I daresay a lot more than I was at their age.
Today we have very good relationships, and they talk to me about everything. I think it helped that I chose to show interest in their gaming, rather than judge them harshly for it. They still game for hours every day, but it's no different from the time you or I might spend cycling, or in the pub, or tinkering with cars.
Hugo Stiglitz said:
My wife is worn out but relents to avoid conflict.
This is the problem.It’s a game of who can stick it out the longest and your son is winning.
If he won’t stop playing it and finds the controllers when you hide them, take the whole thing out of the house and re-locate it.
Have the most patience and play the longer game. He won’t divorce you as parents, he’ll just not like you for a while - that’s the rough of parenting a teenager!
Accept that he won’t like you for a while (both of you). He’ll come back.
Well, as someone who played games a lot when I was a kid I guess I can relate to him. I was mocked and humiliated for gaming and spending my paper round and car washing money on them. It's caused me problems in my life (there is more to this). This isn't what I accuse you of but it is worth bearing in mind.
Anyway if he's not gaming, what would you rather he be doing. It's important to engage and understand why he does it and for him to understand why you don't want him doing it, what would you rather he did, why is more than 2 hours a bad thing etc etc.
Iron fist and letting a kid sulk is a bad thing, it will damage your relationship and when he is older he won't engage with you so readily on things and whatever issues, that will be a learning he takes to life and other relationships.
You could leverage his interest, 2 hours gaming, then any extra time on a machine he can learn to code build computers make programs etc. The career could start right there.
Anyway if he's not gaming, what would you rather he be doing. It's important to engage and understand why he does it and for him to understand why you don't want him doing it, what would you rather he did, why is more than 2 hours a bad thing etc etc.
Iron fist and letting a kid sulk is a bad thing, it will damage your relationship and when he is older he won't engage with you so readily on things and whatever issues, that will be a learning he takes to life and other relationships.
You could leverage his interest, 2 hours gaming, then any extra time on a machine he can learn to code build computers make programs etc. The career could start right there.
plenty said:
I wasn't comfortable with my children's constant gaming, but I realised the problem was not with them, but with me.
If you're of a certain age, you'll probably think that being outdoors doing things like cycling are inherently healthier than playing games in a bedroom. But there's no actual objective basis for that (I don't buy into any of the moral panic around how it's damaging brains etc.)
It's mere generational difference. Gaming for my kids' generation is the equivalent of the playground, cinema or bike rides for mine. I'm not a gamer, but I chose to take an interest and ask them about the games they played.
I never imposed any restrictions on my kids' screen time. I occasionally still wonder if that was the wrong decision, such as when I have to remind them to put down their phones at the dinner table. But other than that, they have grown up to be really quite sensible and well adjusted young adults, I daresay a lot more than I was at their age.
Today we have very good relationships, and they talk to me about everything. I think it helped that I chose to show interest in their gaming, rather than judge them harshly for it. They still game for hours every day, but it's no different from the time you or I might spend cycling, or in the pub, or tinkering with cars.
This guy gets it. Spot on.If you're of a certain age, you'll probably think that being outdoors doing things like cycling are inherently healthier than playing games in a bedroom. But there's no actual objective basis for that (I don't buy into any of the moral panic around how it's damaging brains etc.)
It's mere generational difference. Gaming for my kids' generation is the equivalent of the playground, cinema or bike rides for mine. I'm not a gamer, but I chose to take an interest and ask them about the games they played.
I never imposed any restrictions on my kids' screen time. I occasionally still wonder if that was the wrong decision, such as when I have to remind them to put down their phones at the dinner table. But other than that, they have grown up to be really quite sensible and well adjusted young adults, I daresay a lot more than I was at their age.
Today we have very good relationships, and they talk to me about everything. I think it helped that I chose to show interest in their gaming, rather than judge them harshly for it. They still game for hours every day, but it's no different from the time you or I might spend cycling, or in the pub, or tinkering with cars.
Baroque attacks said:
Basically you’ve ended up getting yourself into a position where you’re asking him and he’s telling you to FRO.
He seems to be in charge.
Yes and I'm a pushover. I always say at work that I'm the soft one (ironically I'm not) yet I imagine that at home I need to unwind so I become soft/can't stick to a punishment. My wife has always been reap the rewards of spoiling him whilst I have to be the stern one. Probably age 13 I also morphed into 'his mate'. He seems to be in charge.
I'll enact the parental controls.
Muzzer79 said:
This is the problem.
It’s a game of who can stick it out the longest and your son is winning.
If he won’t stop playing it and finds the controllers when you hide them, take the whole thing out of the house and re-locate it.
Have the most patience and play the longer game. He won’t divorce you as parents, he’ll just not like you for a while - that’s the rough of parenting a teenager!
Accept that he won’t like you for a while (both of you). He’ll come back.
Or not. He properly rebels starts taking drugs, sofa surfing and is estranged for ever. It happens all over a few hours on the PlayStation. It’s a game of who can stick it out the longest and your son is winning.
If he won’t stop playing it and finds the controllers when you hide them, take the whole thing out of the house and re-locate it.
Have the most patience and play the longer game. He won’t divorce you as parents, he’ll just not like you for a while - that’s the rough of parenting a teenager!
Accept that he won’t like you for a while (both of you). He’ll come back.
Hugo Stiglitz said:
This is all he does. PlayStation. He wouldn't go cycling with me this weekend. He slept in this morning so we couldn't go and see his Grandmother as unbeknown to me he sneaked and found his controller then sat till 2am playing last night.
I honestly feel that he needs a reset. Then we can start again with the PlayStation boundaries.
How do you know he was playing until 2am?I honestly feel that he needs a reset. Then we can start again with the PlayStation boundaries.
BoRED S2upid said:
Muzzer79 said:
This is the problem.
It’s a game of who can stick it out the longest and your son is winning.
If he won’t stop playing it and finds the controllers when you hide them, take the whole thing out of the house and re-locate it.
Have the most patience and play the longer game. He won’t divorce you as parents, he’ll just not like you for a while - that’s the rough of parenting a teenager!
Accept that he won’t like you for a while (both of you). He’ll come back.
Or not. He properly rebels starts taking drugs, sofa surfing and is estranged for ever. It happens all over a few hours on the PlayStation. It’s a game of who can stick it out the longest and your son is winning.
If he won’t stop playing it and finds the controllers when you hide them, take the whole thing out of the house and re-locate it.
Have the most patience and play the longer game. He won’t divorce you as parents, he’ll just not like you for a while - that’s the rough of parenting a teenager!
Accept that he won’t like you for a while (both of you). He’ll come back.
Hugo Stiglitz said:
I'll enact the parental controls.
This isn't going to end well for you. Your first priority is getting the wife on-side and to back you up when he's getting above his station. Without this you're pissing in the wind and will just make matters 10x worse and him hate you even more than he does already. :facepalm: Are you his biological father? You didn't say in your OP. A different approach will be required if you are not.
DSLiverpool said:
It’s just a phase so leave him to it and be thankful for the peace.
I’ve 2 kids with anger issues and they’d think nothing of attacking mum first if denied anything, this happens outside of the house so we can’t go many places and never unaccompanied as such life is pretty s
t.
Be thankful for the peace.
Sorry to hear this. I remember the background. I’ve 2 kids with anger issues and they’d think nothing of attacking mum first if denied anything, this happens outside of the house so we can’t go many places and never unaccompanied as such life is pretty s
t. Be thankful for the peace.
Back to the OP.
It's a phase. It may be a long phase, but a teenager not wanting to go out on a bike ride with his dad is pretty normal.
I have a 18 year old daughter, who is technically an adult, but is also very annoying. Major rows have been had, along with threats of leaving home etc. Her and her mother are particularly aggressive, and I've had to speak to both this weak and asked them to consider what their relationship looks like. It's working - but my wife also exists on virtually no sleep, which is not good for her patience.
Just go with what you feel is right. All kids are different., but they pretty much do come out of it on the otherside...
I feel for you OP. This isn’t an easy thing and there is no right answer.
My thoughts are:
1. Alignment
I would agree that having parents who are aligned (I will back up my wife openly, even if I disagree privately).
2. Expectations
I also agree that setting out clear expectations for your son is key. That’s not just PlayStation, but in all areas of life: school, home, friendships away from online. Bring in changes over time - he’s not a dependent baby any more, so should be able to contribute to running the house.
3. Set an example
Don’t be the parents lecturing kids about gaming time when you spend your own time glued to a phone. Goes for both parents - see point 1..!
4. Not “my house my rules”
This doesn’t work. All it does is create more, not less, conflict. Instead, slowly bringing in expectations of shared responsibilities- clearing the table, bins, washing, etc. - will be more compatible with having a harmonious house.
I would bring this approach in over time - short sharp shock/cold turkey isn’t going to win either.
(We’re fortunate that we don’t have to impose screen limits on our similarly-aged daughter. In fact, our concern is the other way: she’s at school 30 hours a week, in a dance studio 20 hours a week (excluding competition weekends) and spends all of Sunday doing her homework because she enjoys being at or near the top of every class. She is driven, but we are watchful of burnout and the consequent risk of not attaining the grades she wants.)
My thoughts are:
1. Alignment
I would agree that having parents who are aligned (I will back up my wife openly, even if I disagree privately).
2. Expectations
I also agree that setting out clear expectations for your son is key. That’s not just PlayStation, but in all areas of life: school, home, friendships away from online. Bring in changes over time - he’s not a dependent baby any more, so should be able to contribute to running the house.
3. Set an example
Don’t be the parents lecturing kids about gaming time when you spend your own time glued to a phone. Goes for both parents - see point 1..!
4. Not “my house my rules”
This doesn’t work. All it does is create more, not less, conflict. Instead, slowly bringing in expectations of shared responsibilities- clearing the table, bins, washing, etc. - will be more compatible with having a harmonious house.
I would bring this approach in over time - short sharp shock/cold turkey isn’t going to win either.
(We’re fortunate that we don’t have to impose screen limits on our similarly-aged daughter. In fact, our concern is the other way: she’s at school 30 hours a week, in a dance studio 20 hours a week (excluding competition weekends) and spends all of Sunday doing her homework because she enjoys being at or near the top of every class. She is driven, but we are watchful of burnout and the consequent risk of not attaining the grades she wants.)
BoRED S2upid said:
Muzzer79 said:
This is the problem.
It’s a game of who can stick it out the longest and your son is winning.
If he won’t stop playing it and finds the controllers when you hide them, take the whole thing out of the house and re-locate it.
Have the most patience and play the longer game. He won’t divorce you as parents, he’ll just not like you for a while - that’s the rough of parenting a teenager!
Accept that he won’t like you for a while (both of you). He’ll come back.
Or not. He properly rebels starts taking drugs, sofa surfing and is estranged for ever. It happens all over a few hours on the PlayStation. It’s a game of who can stick it out the longest and your son is winning.
If he won’t stop playing it and finds the controllers when you hide them, take the whole thing out of the house and re-locate it.
Have the most patience and play the longer game. He won’t divorce you as parents, he’ll just not like you for a while - that’s the rough of parenting a teenager!
Accept that he won’t like you for a while (both of you). He’ll come back.
Muzzer79 said:
BoRED S2upid said:
Muzzer79 said:
This is the problem.
It’s a game of who can stick it out the longest and your son is winning.
If he won’t stop playing it and finds the controllers when you hide them, take the whole thing out of the house and re-locate it.
Have the most patience and play the longer game. He won’t divorce you as parents, he’ll just not like you for a while - that’s the rough of parenting a teenager!
Accept that he won’t like you for a while (both of you). He’ll come back.
Or not. He properly rebels starts taking drugs, sofa surfing and is estranged for ever. It happens all over a few hours on the PlayStation. It’s a game of who can stick it out the longest and your son is winning.
If he won’t stop playing it and finds the controllers when you hide them, take the whole thing out of the house and re-locate it.
Have the most patience and play the longer game. He won’t divorce you as parents, he’ll just not like you for a while - that’s the rough of parenting a teenager!
Accept that he won’t like you for a while (both of you). He’ll come back.
Hugo Stiglitz said:
Yes I'm his dad (sadly I can't walk out) 
2am - he woke me up walking about.
1. get wife on board and ensure she'll be firm with him too and back you up when he starts being gobby. A sharp and vocal "ENOUGH! DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER/FATHER LIKE THAT! Go to your room!" kinda thing will be enough to shock him and take the wind out of his sails.2am - he woke me up walking about.
2 . remove console as punishment and seek apology for the way he talked to you/the wife. Inform him that if it happens again, he won't be seeing the console for a long time until he learns how to behave properly and talk to people in a civilised manner. "And it'll be gone permanently if you ever defy me by going through all the cupboards and drawers trying to find where I've put it."
3. when the inevitable question comes "when can I have my PlayStation back?" ensure you have some household chores that need doing that will take a good half hour to do properly. Offer him one of those to do to show how sorry he is for his earlier outburst and "If you do a good job, I will think about it". At his age my Old Dear used to "offer" me the choice of dusting and vac'ing the stairs/bannisters and upstairs rooms, or cleaning the bathroom and toilet, or mowing the lawn, weeding and tidying the edges. All time-consuming work that's no fun when you start to get older and stiff. Show him how you want the jobs done. Give PlayStation back when he completes them
4. when the arbitrary 2 hour time limit is up, suggest to him that he could earn himself some extra play time if he wishes, if he peels the spuds and veg for tea, or takes the dog for min half hour walk or mows the lawn, for example. No pressure, don't make any demands, but the option is there if you want to play for longer
. You'll have him eating out of the palms of your hands in no time 
.5. accept that he's 14 and would rather spend his time playing COD and browsing Prawnhub rather than cycling with his dad. Also realise that if he's not inside on his PlayStation he'd likely be outside with his mates, quite possibly getting up to no good through boredom, so be careful what you wish for.
6. ???
7. Profit !
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