14yr old- flash point over him living on his PlayStation

[cobra kid]

Rusty Old-Banger said:

Again, sons = not too bad. Daughters = utter hazard zones.

(I have 4.)

And yet my 18 year old daughter has been a dream to bring up and my son is the cheeky one.

[Rusty Old-Banger]

cobra kid said:

Rusty Old-Banger said:

Again, sons = not too bad. Daughters = utter hazard zones.

(I have 4.)

And yet my 18 year old daughter has been a dream to bring up and my son is the cheeky one.

I'd say "wanna swap" but that sounds a bit... creepy

[cholo]

100% your main issue is that you and the wife are not on the same page.

My kids also have a limit of around 2 hours per day screen time and it's never been an issue

However, this has been a thing for us ever since they were old enough to hold a phone, so they don't know any different.

I'm afraid it may be a little bit late for you now..

[eldar]

One of my grandsons spends every waking moment on either phone or PS. Single parent, multi child, multi father household. Teenage boy, 4 sisters aged 1 to 4, he is happily isolated in his bedroom to the exclusion of any face to face contact.

Getting fat, misses school and homework, his only interest is tiktok, but has no fking idea what he watches and PS.

Mum happy because he is quiet and non demanding. Dad shunned for being mean for trying to exert a bit of order, Mum and stepdad just indulge.

Got fail as his future.

[Pit Pony]

Hugo Stiglitz said:

This is all he does. PlayStation. He wouldn't go cycling with me this weekend. He slept in this morning so we couldn't go and see his Grandmother as unbeknown to me he sneaked and found his controller then sat till 2am playing last night.

I honestly feel that he needs a reset. Then we can start again with the PlayStation boundaries.

I'd have been getting him out of bed to go see granny.

I remember waking up (aged 16) very hungover after attending a friend's party the night before.

Only threw up twice on the way (1 hour in the car).

Gran was very kind. Mum and Dad were not. Rightly.

One of the things I did when my son was spending a lot of time on PlayStation, was to get a second controller and pretend to want to play 2 player games. It opened up a dialogue.
His mum even did the same. Both of us were st.
But it showed him we were interested in him.

[NDA]

Hugo Stiglitz said:

What do we do?

I've said 2hrs max gaming time a day to which he says go away and shut up.

If I enforce it he'll go and lie in his bed sulking for hours.

I know this is minor to some but do I enforce it by taking it away entirely for a punishment period, say days?

My wife thinks I'm mean when I enforce turning it off and he then refuses to come out of his room 'spoiling the mood in the house for everyone else'.

Help!

I assume the playstation is downstairs rather than in his bedroom?

I went through this to a degree and it simply became a short-lived battle of wits. My son knew that 'no, means no' and that he could throw as many strops as he wanted, nothing would change. It was my wife who was different - her 'no' meant 'ask 10 more times and it'll be a yes'. That was a problem.

Two hours gaming during the week is a perfectly acceptable rule - with different rules on a Saturday maybe?

Let him sulk! Welcome to teenagers.

[Terminator X]

All bad behaviours should have consequences until eventually they are sat on a hard stool eating bread and drinking water.

Seriously though, kids do need consequences and adults that don't give in all the time.

TX.

[havoc]

I'd agree with all the other posters saying your wife is a chunk of the problem here.

This has to start with the two of you agreeing (and her promising to stick to it) a set of rules/boundaries/etc. for your son to abide by. They don't have to be onerous or draconian (probably best if they're not to start with, and easier to get the missus to buy-in), but they do have to be enforced.

Sitting down (together!) with your son to go through it all will be tough battle #2...maybe have some carrot and stick (NOT, definitely not good cop/bad-cop) - as suggested above, he can earn extra time by doing homework/chores and keeping room tidy.


If it was me, I'd be giving him a fair bit of leeway on the time spent as long as:-
- He adheres to a reasonable curfew (I'd have removed the power supply if he f'd up a family trip by gaming to 2am)
- He stays up to date on schoolwork / grades aren't suffering.
- He does the essential amount of chores at home.
- He gets out for some fresh air at least once a weekend and 3-4x a week during holidays...sunlight and green spaces are still important.

[rawenghey]

r3g said:

This ^. But also, what do you (as the parent) want him to do for the other 22 hours in the day? Assuming he's completed his share of the household chores and is up to date with his school work then personally it wouldn't bother me that he's (presumably) being quiet and out of the way playing online games with his mates which he clearly enjoys. This is just normal teenager stuff. Forcing him to eg. sit in the main room and watch Corrie with you because you want him to be more sociable is not going to end well for you as you'll cause a lot of anger and resentment.

bhstewie said:

I don't have kids so this is easy for me to say but why an arbitrary 2 hours and what's does he do and what is he supposed to do with the rest of his time?

I used to spend loads of time on my computer when I was a kid and it's what got me hooked and turned it into a decent career.

I also used to spend loads of time outside on my bike or in town or all the usual stuff kids do.

But at 14 if my parents had said stop playing on the computer but there was nothing else for me to do I'm not sure I'd have done much other than sulk in my room.

I'm not suggesting don't set limits but I'm not seeing much here other than "2hrs max gaming time a day" mentioned.

Caveat this with I don't have kids either, so my opinion is likely worthless, but I agree with the above lines of thinking.

I spent loads of time "upstairs" when I was a teenager and my extended family would snipe at my parents (think Royle Family style setup where the entire extended family lives within the throwing distance of a crab apple from each other) for me being rude and not coming down to sit with them. And for what? Sitting downstairs with the grown ups whilst they talk about the neighbours, what's on offer in Woolworths and watch Eastenders? Behave. Or that I would be better off outside being a knob to the rest of the neighbours by kicking balls at people's houses or riding my bike around or whatever normal kids are supposed to do. The time I spent getting lost in the world of gaming, tech, hardware/software, coding etc set the foundations of what has hitherto been a really successful career and 20 odd years later I'm still nowhere to be seen whilst those same people are still sat around watching Corrie.

As long as he's done his chores, and most importantly his homework, what's with the need to arbitrarily limit or dictate his leisure time?

[simon_harris]

WestyCarl said:

simon_harris said:

This is why we never allowed devices/tv's in my Sons room when he was growing up. If he wanted to use the playstation he had to use it in the gaming room, portable devices were left in the there to charge overnight. Now when my grandsons come over to stay their phones are left downstairs overnight.

You have to agree boundaries and rules (with all parties so that includes your wife and your son) and then you have to enforce them with very clear outcomes for infractions. TBH if my son had told me to shut up and go away in the manner you describe the playsation would have gone in the bin.

I agree with this but based on my experience (N=2) what is also important:

- Building a positive relationship with kids so you don't just end up saying no to stuff, even just a quick 20mins of the console with them.

- Admit when sometimes you were wrong to them and appologise.

- On stuff that doesn't really matter let them occasionally break the "rules" or say yes to their pleading.

we used to play together lots (still do from time to time on the playstations) but more recently we have both got back into Airsofting together again, we do car stuff together and cook together frequently.

in my view as a parent you have to go out of your way to take an interest in your childrens (and for me grandchildrens) interests.

Most interestingly the most extreme punishment I ever gave my son was one of his own choosing, we had rules about him not being allowed to talk to people he meet online, he broke that rule and was given a ban on gaming for a few days, he then broke it again. We had the discussion about why and given that a few days ban was not enough of a deterrent what did he think would be a suitable punishment.

He chose a 6 week ban on the console and handhelds. In the end I relented after 4 weeks for "good behaviour" that still comes up in conversation every now and then still.

[CivicDuties]

r3g said:

plenty said:

I wasn't comfortable with my children's constant gaming, but I realised the problem was not with them, but with me.

If you're of a certain age, you'll probably think that being outdoors doing things like cycling are inherently healthier than playing games in a bedroom. But there's no actual objective basis for that (I don't buy into any of the moral panic around how it's damaging brains etc.)

It's mere generational difference. Gaming for my kids' generation is the equivalent of the playground, cinema or bike rides for mine. I'm not a gamer, but I chose to take an interest and ask them about the games they played.

I never imposed any restrictions on my kids' screen time. I occasionally still wonder if that was the wrong decision, such as when I have to remind them to put down their phones at the dinner table. But other than that, they have grown up to be really quite sensible and well adjusted young adults, I daresay a lot more than I was at their age.

Today we have very good relationships, and they talk to me about everything. I think it helped that I chose to show interest in their gaming, rather than judge them harshly for it. They still game for hours every day, but it's no different from the time you or I might spend cycling, or in the pub, or tinkering with cars.

This guy gets it. Spot on.

I'll add my agreement to this as the father of a 19 year old boy (er, man) and a 16 year old girl. Son was the same aged 14-16 as the OP, lots of gaming. Of course, for him, those years coincided with Covid lockdowns. So he's spent most of his mid-late teen years not being able to do physical socialising with his peer group at all.

The upshot for our son? Cruised GCSEs (he was in a year group which couldn't sit exams because of Covid), then did well enough at A Level to get a good University place on an excellent course, and is currently making up for his lost socialising years with his mate travelling in Thailand and Cambodia, copping some Category One hangovers, and doing all the things a healthy, well-adjusted 19 year old should be doing whilst scoring amazing marks in his University exams and coursework (98% in his Maths module this term just gone).

I think the lockdown thing has produced an interesting cohort of young adults who have spent far more time on screens than any ever before. I am not seeing any real world problems arising from this as they grow up. Screen hysteria is pretty much entirely in the minds of older generations who had different experiences as young people.

Edited by CivicDuties on Monday 8th April 14:36

[cobra kid]

plenty said:

I wasn't comfortable with my children's constant gaming, but I realised the problem was not with them, but with me.

If you're of a certain age, you'll probably think that being outdoors doing things like cycling are inherently healthier than playing games in a bedroom. But there's no actual objective basis for that (I don't buy into any of the moral panic around how it's damaging brains etc.)

It's mere generational difference. Gaming for my kids' generation is the equivalent of the playground, cinema or bike rides for mine. I'm not a gamer, but I chose to take an interest and ask them about the games they played.

I never imposed any restrictions on my kids' screen time. I occasionally still wonder if that was the wrong decision, such as when I have to remind them to put down their phones at the dinner table. But other than that, they have grown up to be really quite sensible and well adjusted young adults, I daresay a lot more than I was at their age.

Today we have very good relationships, and they talk to me about everything. I think it helped that I chose to show interest in their gaming, rather than judge them harshly for it. They still game for hours every day, but it's no different from the time you or I might spend cycling, or in the pub, or tinkering with cars.

I'd say that being outside and active is healthier than sitting motionless staring for hours on end.

[plenty]

cobra kid said:

I'd say that being outside and active is healthier than sitting motionless staring for hours on end.

Being physically active is of course preferable than being sedentary, but I was thinking about 'health' in a broader sense of overall wellbeing. This generation of parents' concerns about kids shutting themselves in their room playing games reminds me of when I was a kid and being told that watching too much TV would make my eyes square.

There's actually quite a lot of evidence that today's young people tend to exercise more, eat better, drink and smoke less than previous generations. One of my own kids has become a weightlifting enthusiast and the other is a teetotal tournament frisbee player. At their age I was doing zero exercise and binge drinking 2-3 nights per week.

[Hol]

Okay. So who’s son would do this?

[havoc]

plenty said:

cobra kid said:

I'd say that being outside and active is healthier than sitting motionless staring for hours on end.

Being physically active is of course preferable than being sedentary, but I was thinking about 'health' in a broader sense of overall wellbeing. This generation of parents' concerns about kids shutting themselves in their room playing games reminds me of when I was a kid and being told that watching too much TV would make my eyes square.

There's actually quite a lot of evidence that today's young people tend to exercise more, eat better, drink and smoke less than previous generations. One of my own kids has become a weightlifting enthusiast and the other is a teetotal tournament frisbee player. At their age I was doing zero exercise and binge drinking 2-3 nights per week.

Fair points. But this isn't an either/or equation.

There is also a substantial body of evidence that the following are good for mental health:-

- Vitamin D / sunlight (OK, rare this year so far, but YKWIM)
- Being out 'in nature' - green spaces in general, but the further divorced from urban sprawl the better.
- Being "with" friends - online is better than nothing, but F2F is better still.

Oh, and not mental health, but moving regularly - sedentary behaviour, and especially sitting still for extended periods, is linked to both Type 2 Diabetes and to musculo-skeletal problems in later life. The younger someone develops a good cardio-vascular habit, the better for the body and the easier it is to both keep going. And I speak as someone who was an overweight teenager, only dabbled with sport, and really wishes he'd become more active sooner.

[plenty]

havoc said:

But this isn't an either/or equation.

Agreed. If you're still sitting in your room and rarely venturing out at 30, then it's time to worry. But at 14 it's really not something to get too concerned about. And to encourage kids to live healthily I prefer dialogue and empathy (carrot) to authority and discipline (stick). I say that as a child of deeply authoritarian parents with whom my relationship deteriorated in my teens and never recovered.

[gregs656]

Hugo Stiglitz said:

Yes and I'm a pushover. I always say at work that I'm the soft one (ironically I'm not) yet I imagine that at home I need to unwind so I become soft/can't stick to a punishment. My wife has always been reap the rewards of spoiling him whilst I have to be the stern one. Probably age 13 I also morphed into 'his mate'.

I'll enact the parental controls.

You haven't answered the questions about what you are actually looking for, or how he is doing in school and so on.

You and your wife don't seem to be aligned on how to handle this.

Teenage circadian rhythm does naturally shift. Staying up to 2am, sleeping late etc he would be doing that with or without gaming.

In any case I'd figure out what you and your wife actually want.

[S2r]

There seems to be a lot of 'stick' and not much 'carrot' in these replies. And how many teenagers want to visit elderly relatives?

My teenager games lots however it was in the lounge so I spent time watching him play and taking an interest. We had some good times doing that when he was younger,praise when he did well, pointing out bits, asking questions, gentle ribbing when not so good. I could also manage the time spent on it by being there and talk to him about other stuff.

Now we live apart (divorce) but I have my own xbox and we still play together (he's now in his 20s) it's a good way to keep in touch although he did get fed up with carrying me in fortnite so we don't play that anymore 🤣 When he stays over, we play, either me watching him or playing something simple and silly together taking turns. And he rips into me when I make a mess of it (which I do a lot), it's part of the fun.

We have other shared interests and do them as well but gaming is part of it.

He remembers that I spent time with him and we had fun, what will the OP's son remember?

[r3g]

S2r said:

what will the OP's son remember?

Playing hide and seek with the PS4 controller at 2am .

[Ityre]

smifffymoto said:

After reading some of the advice here it seems many of you bully your children into submission.

It’s no wonder many kids say they have mental health problems,their parents are ill equipped for the modern age.

Times have changed massively and so our parenting skills have to change.The big stick approach just doesn’t work.

So what is your advice in this situation?, you sound like a social worker, just let them do as want, 24/7 hooked to a device then cause as much trouble as possible as a means to get that device back