Embarrassing relatives
Discussion
Ex BiL.
Convicted in the 90's of upskirting. He was on the cutting edge of his craft at a time when the equipment available was bulky and led to ingenious holdall rigs to conceal the camera and trips to the local shopping centre for, um, subjects.
Later caught and reported in the 00's for secretly filming his stepdaughter's bedroom with a concealed web cam. Truth be told he'd gotten lazy.
Convicted in the 90's of upskirting. He was on the cutting edge of his craft at a time when the equipment available was bulky and led to ingenious holdall rigs to conceal the camera and trips to the local shopping centre for, um, subjects.
Later caught and reported in the 00's for secretly filming his stepdaughter's bedroom with a concealed web cam. Truth be told he'd gotten lazy.
a few summers ago , we had the in-laws round .. FIL has a terrible stutter when he gets a bit nervous ...and our neighbour also has a stutter
we invited them over for a BBQ ... i was cooking in the garden , and heard the door bell , before i could open it i heard FIL /// open the door ...and say .....nnnnnicccce toooo meeeet yerrrr yooooou ...............Follwed by our neighbour .......arrrreee yoooou takkkkinng theeeeee mmmmmiccccey
i nearly dropped the sausages
so every time i get cold callers on the phone ...i pass it to him
we invited them over for a BBQ ... i was cooking in the garden , and heard the door bell , before i could open it i heard FIL /// open the door ...and say .....nnnnnicccce toooo meeeet yerrrr yooooou ...............Follwed by our neighbour .......arrrreee yoooou takkkkinng theeeeee mmmmmiccccey
i nearly dropped the sausages
so every time i get cold callers on the phone ...i pass it to him
Leftie said:
House hunting and made the mistake of taking the father in law with us.
We arrived at a nice bijou place occupied by an elderly couple.
Usual polite comments about the decor, size of bedrooms etc when FiL asks to use to the toilet and is shown the smallest room, presumably to dangle his maggot. Oh No, this was a rip roaring, stomach wrenching deposition of mammoth proportions that takes a concurrent courtesy flush and two full flushes along with liberal use of a toilet brush to see off.
Hoping the couple have been too engaged to notice the goings on, I make comment on the garden in the hope that they will lead us away rom the hallway where FiL has just given birth to a rotter. Just as the trick was paying off her emerges wafting his hand around his nose and shouting " I should give that ten minutes if I was you".
Priceless.
Thirteen years late but We arrived at a nice bijou place occupied by an elderly couple.
Usual polite comments about the decor, size of bedrooms etc when FiL asks to use to the toilet and is shown the smallest room, presumably to dangle his maggot. Oh No, this was a rip roaring, stomach wrenching deposition of mammoth proportions that takes a concurrent courtesy flush and two full flushes along with liberal use of a toilet brush to see off.
Hoping the couple have been too engaged to notice the goings on, I make comment on the garden in the hope that they will lead us away rom the hallway where FiL has just given birth to a rotter. Just as the trick was paying off her emerges wafting his hand around his nose and shouting " I should give that ten minutes if I was you".
Priceless.
Even the wife lol’d at that tale
17, brought my first girlfriend home for the first time.
We were in the lounge watching a film (all very innocent and polite at that stage) when the old man comes home late from the office
He opened with the ‘Hi I’m Wookie’s older brother hur hur hur’ bit which was bad enough
Later on we’ve headed off for me to drop her back home, being a polite girl she stuck her head into the front room to say goodnight to my parents to be confronted by the formidable image of the old man fast asleep on the sofa, spread eagled, his shirt ridden up over his gut, trousers absent as per his usual summer evening routine, with the added bonus of a lone dangling knacker in full view having made a break for freedom out of the leg of the threadbare old pair of cheds he’d selected that day
Best of all it was apparently my fault for not giving it the all clear!
We were in the lounge watching a film (all very innocent and polite at that stage) when the old man comes home late from the office
He opened with the ‘Hi I’m Wookie’s older brother hur hur hur’ bit which was bad enough
Later on we’ve headed off for me to drop her back home, being a polite girl she stuck her head into the front room to say goodnight to my parents to be confronted by the formidable image of the old man fast asleep on the sofa, spread eagled, his shirt ridden up over his gut, trousers absent as per his usual summer evening routine, with the added bonus of a lone dangling knacker in full view having made a break for freedom out of the leg of the threadbare old pair of cheds he’d selected that day
Best of all it was apparently my fault for not giving it the all clear!
Frank7 said:
Reminds me of a young woman that I knew in the late seventies, who frequented a pub that I used in Bermondsey.
She’d been an exchange college student from U.K. to the U.S., and in her first class in Wisconsin, the lecturer had said, “Is everyone all set, have the exchange students got everything that they need?”
She raised her hand and said, “Could I have a rubber, I haven’t got one?”
Stunned silence from the class, for about 2 seconds.
Reminds me also of another one of my old man’s classicsShe’d been an exchange college student from U.K. to the U.S., and in her first class in Wisconsin, the lecturer had said, “Is everyone all set, have the exchange students got everything that they need?”
She raised her hand and said, “Could I have a rubber, I haven’t got one?”
Stunned silence from the class, for about 2 seconds.
These days I work with my old man and our company currently makes a lot of kit for NASCAR teams. One trip we were concluding some business over there so we doubled it up with a visit to a race at Martinsville bang in the middle of the Bible Belt in Virginia.
We’ve walked into a busy roadside restaurant, and one of the guys, Chubbs as he’s usually known, stayed outside for a cigarette.
One of our American team turned round and asked ‘Where’s Chubbs gone’
The old man, absolute full volume from the other side of the restaurant replied ‘He’s just popped out for a fag!’
After the audible gasp had subsided to a dead silence we decided to go and find another establishment before someone shot us
Cupramax said:
BT Summers said:
There is an explanation, I have tried to message you but you do not accept emails
Sorry, just noticed this, I’ve had abuse on here previously so don’t accept emails anymore. If I’ve put my foot in it just say and I’ll delete my post. No offence intended. 
Its okay.
Your comment contains the seeds of my situation.
Cheers
The Wookie said:
Reminds me also of another one of my old man’s classics
These days I work with my old man and our company currently makes a lot of kit for NASCAR teams. One trip we were concluding some business over there so we doubled it up with a visit to a race at Martinsville bang in the middle of the Bible Belt in Virginia.
We’ve walked into a busy roadside restaurant, and one of the guys, Chubbs as he’s usually known, stayed outside for a cigarette.
One of our American team turned round and asked ‘Where’s Chubbs gone’
The old man, absolute full volume from the other side of the restaurant replied ‘He’s just popped out for a fag!’
After the audible gasp had subsided to a dead silence we decided to go and find another establishment before someone shot us
Smoking a fag is a very different proposition there!These days I work with my old man and our company currently makes a lot of kit for NASCAR teams. One trip we were concluding some business over there so we doubled it up with a visit to a race at Martinsville bang in the middle of the Bible Belt in Virginia.
We’ve walked into a busy roadside restaurant, and one of the guys, Chubbs as he’s usually known, stayed outside for a cigarette.
One of our American team turned round and asked ‘Where’s Chubbs gone’
The old man, absolute full volume from the other side of the restaurant replied ‘He’s just popped out for a fag!’
After the audible gasp had subsided to a dead silence we decided to go and find another establishment before someone shot us
My Dad had fake teeth.
Not that uncommon I suppose, and not unusual for people with false teeth to be embarrasing with them.
But he got his false teeth at 18 (Truck mechanic, tyre exploded, shattered his jaw and removed a good few of his teeth)
So when i was a kid, he used to freak out all my pals with his false teeth. He was also hard as f
k (nothing like me) so if my pals weren't freaked out by his teeth, they were terrified of him. Not because he'd ever lift a hand to anyone like that, but he was great at making you think he would.
Miss the old bd.
Not that uncommon I suppose, and not unusual for people with false teeth to be embarrasing with them.
But he got his false teeth at 18 (Truck mechanic, tyre exploded, shattered his jaw and removed a good few of his teeth)
So when i was a kid, he used to freak out all my pals with his false teeth. He was also hard as f
k (nothing like me) so if my pals weren't freaked out by his teeth, they were terrified of him. Not because he'd ever lift a hand to anyone like that, but he was great at making you think he would.Miss the old b
d.Christmas Day decades ago, the extended family were gathered in the kitchen diner about to be served the feast. Nan was stood at the hob and let slip one of the loudest farts ever heard. We all (including her) laughed so hard that she then literally pissed herself.
She passed away 30 years ago now but the rest of us still laugh at the memory
She passed away 30 years ago now but the rest of us still laugh at the memory
My parents were visiting a relative in hospital, Mom likes to talk A LOT, so after listening to a lot of inane gossip ,my dad was eager to leave.... he stood up to put his coat on, and quickly and theatrically extended his arm to put it into his coat, right at the time the ward sister was passing him, she hit the floor like a sack of spuds as his fist connected with her jaw, after he picked her up he spent quite a while apologising 
Halitosis said:
Christmas Day decades ago, the extended family were gathered in the kitchen diner about to be served the feast. Nan was stood at the hob and let slip one of the loudest farts ever heard. We all (including her) laughed so hard that she then literally pissed herself.
She passed away 30 years ago now but the rest of us still laugh at the memory
This reminds me of something that happened with my grandma a couple of years ago - she's still with us and is an absolute treasure. She is, however, deaf as a post, and finds her hearing aids uncomfortable.She passed away 30 years ago now but the rest of us still laugh at the memory
I was sitting at her kitchen table drinking a cup of tea, as she walked across the kitchen, cloth in hand, she spotted a mark on the floor. As she leaned over to wipe it, she let out a god almighty fart, which she didn't hear herself and surely must have assumed was silent.
Tea all over the kitchen table, that day.
Similarly remember when I was at school I drove to Pembrokeshire with a mate to pick up a car from his Granny and Grandy who were giving him their old fiesta
He’d warned me on the way up that they tended to talk very loudly to try and cover up their farting.
Nothing prepared me for the sit down dinner we had where these two lovely oldies were chatting away in their strong welsh accents getting louder and louder as the meal went on, unsuccessfully attempting to cover up a series of noisy trumps, to the point they were literally shouting by the time we we’re finishing up.
It was like something out of a Monty Python sketch
I had to excuse myself several times to the spare room so I could lay on the floor crying my eyes out with laughter for a few minutes and get my composure, only for the comedy to resume as soon as I sat down again.
He’d warned me on the way up that they tended to talk very loudly to try and cover up their farting.
Nothing prepared me for the sit down dinner we had where these two lovely oldies were chatting away in their strong welsh accents getting louder and louder as the meal went on, unsuccessfully attempting to cover up a series of noisy trumps, to the point they were literally shouting by the time we we’re finishing up.
It was like something out of a Monty Python sketch
I had to excuse myself several times to the spare room so I could lay on the floor crying my eyes out with laughter for a few minutes and get my composure, only for the comedy to resume as soon as I sat down again.
J4CKO said:
littleowl said:
My Grandparents used to refer to the cupboard under the stairs as 'the gloryhole'.
Not sure if they actually knew what it meant....
My Grandparents had a Glory Hole as well, think thats its original use rather than a hole in a toilet partition.Not sure if they actually knew what it meant....
My mum has a history of hypochondria it's something we have learned to humour over the years. amongst her many many ailments she sprained her ankle just before a big family holiday and was sporting a support bandage. Halfway through the holiday the bandage moved ankles....we didn't have the heart to point it out!
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