Classic from the Mrs!

Classic from the Mrs!

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morgs_

1,663 posts

186 months

Wednesday 6th August 2014
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While doing the weekly shop yesterday:

Her: Do we need any scousers?
Me: Do you mean scourers? (followed by much laughter)
Her: Shut up!
Me: That's going on PistonHeads.
Her: *whack!*
Me: Still going on PistonHeads!

Usget

5,426 posts

210 months

Thursday 7th August 2014
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While watching QI, a question came up - "What are Prairie Oysters?"

Accordingly, a discussion ensued on said programme about the consumption of testicles, accompanied by a backing picture of an enormous pair of bull's danglers.

Her: "Hang on... do they really eat human testicles?!"

Fane

1,308 posts

199 months

Tuesday 12th August 2014
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Anyone else wake up this morning, see the News and realise that they'd shortly be having to explain the difference between Robbie and Robin Williams?

onyx39

11,109 posts

149 months

Tuesday 12th August 2014
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Fane said:
Anyone else wake up this morning, see the News and realise that they'd shortly be having to explain the difference between Robbie and Robin Williams?
I did think that I would have to make sure she realised which one I was talking about before I announced his demise, yes.

DannyScene

6,596 posts

154 months

Tuesday 12th August 2014
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Fane said:
Anyone else wake up this morning, see the News and realise that they'd shortly be having to explain the difference between Robbie and Robin Williams?
Nope

If anyone reading answered yes I'd get rid now tbh

MDMetal

2,775 posts

147 months

Tuesday 12th August 2014
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Just one of those things...

On holiday in Sicily, we'd been on a day trip out to a nearby city and had spent a few hours wondering around the shopping mall enjoying some bargains and Italian fashion, all good lady is happy.... On the drive home she starts chatting "you know I think we've spent too much time in shops this holiday, I really want to spend more time at the beach, so no more shopping please" Fine by me I think, 30 sec later we pass a warehouse sized Italian shoe outlet, 2 sec after that there's a scream and "Stop the car we have to go back" uh huh that'll be the end of the lets not shop anymore moment!

tribbles

3,970 posts

221 months

Tuesday 12th August 2014
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Fane said:
Anyone else wake up this morning, see the News and realise that they'd shortly be having to explain the difference between Robbie and Robin Williams?
No, but I did have to wait for them to repeat the name to make sure I hadn't misheard it (I had only just woken up).

onyx39

11,109 posts

149 months

Tuesday 12th August 2014
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So, mrs Onyx needs to get the train to Reading, and we have a small unmanned railway station, from where she will get the train.
"Which side do I get the train from"
I explain how she gets to here required platform, and explain what she will see when she looks from the correct platform.
"I don't understand!! Just explain to me, if I stand on the platform, and look across, will I be able to see the other platform"
Me: "erm"


DannyScene

6,596 posts

154 months

Tuesday 12th August 2014
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onyx39 said:
So, mrs Onyx needs to get the train to Reading, and we have a small unmanned railway station, from where she will get the train.
"Which side do I get the train from"
I explain how she gets to here required platform, and explain what she will see when she looks from the correct platform.
"I don't understand!! Just explain to me, if I stand on the platform, and look across, will I be able to see the other platform"
Me: "erm"
There is a station near me where you can't see the other platform

selym

9,539 posts

170 months

Tuesday 12th August 2014
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Me: All these streets are named after fish; Trout Close, Grayling Avenue....

Her: Yeah, and Pound Lane.....

Me: What???

Her: Oh, I meant 'Pond'

Me: Oooookkkk then.......

sly fox

2,220 posts

218 months

Tuesday 12th August 2014
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Ari said:
Darwin must be turning in his grave. Evolution has reversed.

I used to rip the proverbial out of my ex-mrs whenever Eurosport came on. A few years ago they used to do a footie show called EuroGoals - one day she saw this on screen and misread it as "Eurogoats" - and asked me why that was even a sport- what could goats do ?
Cue ROFL for about 15 minutes.

simoid

19,772 posts

157 months

Wednesday 13th August 2014
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DannyScene said:
onyx39 said:
So, mrs Onyx needs to get the train to Reading, and we have a small unmanned railway station, from where she will get the train.
"Which side do I get the train from"
I explain how she gets to here required platform, and explain what she will see when she looks from the correct platform.
"I don't understand!! Just explain to me, if I stand on the platform, and look across, will I be able to see the other platform"
Me: "erm"
There is a station near me where you can't see the other platform
Is that both platforms though?

xRIEx

8,180 posts

147 months

Wednesday 13th August 2014
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simoid said:
DannyScene said:
onyx39 said:
So, mrs Onyx needs to get the train to Reading, and we have a small unmanned railway station, from where she will get the train.
"Which side do I get the train from"
I explain how she gets to here required platform, and explain what she will see when she looks from the correct platform.
"I don't understand!! Just explain to me, if I stand on the platform, and look across, will I be able to see the other platform"
Me: "erm"
There is a station near me where you can't see the other platform
Is that both platforms though?
Seriously?

Rosscow

8,723 posts

162 months

Wednesday 13th August 2014
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Council Baby said:
My ex turned the TV over to watch a documentary about the Hebrides.

She got about 15 minutes through then was confused about why there were islands and no ladyboys.
laugh

WilliamWoollard

2,339 posts

192 months

Thursday 14th August 2014
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Not the mrs, but two stupid bints on the R1 early breakfast show this morning.

Male presenter: at what speed does a human sneeze leave the body?
Female caller (who is a law student, apparently): in miles per hour?
Male presenter: yes
Female caller: ummmm, errr, (10 seconds later...) 250..... Thousand?
Female presenter: hmmm, it's less than 200MPH cos that's the speed of light.

Sweet baby Jesus and the Orphans give me strength.

Ari

19,328 posts

214 months

Thursday 14th August 2014
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sly fox said:
Ari said:
Darwin must be turning in his grave. Evolution has reversed.
Or they're just faked to score youtube hits maybe..? biggrin

RizzoTheRat

25,085 posts

191 months

Thursday 14th August 2014
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WilliamWoollard said:
Not the mrs, but two stupid bints on the R1 early breakfast show this morning.

Male presenter: at what speed does a human sneeze leave the body?
Female caller (who is a law student, apparently): in miles per hour?
Male presenter: yes
Female caller: ummmm, errr, (10 seconds later...) 250..... Thousand?
Female presenter: hmmm, it's less than 200MPH cos that's the speed of light.

Sweet baby Jesus and the Orphans give me strength.
I think radio presenters need their own complete thread/category for stupid comments. My personal favourite being:

Presenter - Can elephants drink through their trunk?
Caller - Yes
Presenter - Well the answer I have here is no but they do kind of so I'll give you that.

BHC

17,540 posts

178 months

Thursday 14th August 2014
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RizzoTheRat said:
I think radio presenters need their own complete thread/category for stupid comments. My personal favourite being:

Presenter - Can elephants drink through their trunk?
Caller - Yes
Presenter - Well the answer I have here is no but they do kind of so I'll give you that.
Until she was about 18 my sister was convinced that elephants are reptiles.

Because I told her they were.

I also convinced her that Columbo discovered America. She was really pissed off when she found out about all the st I taught her as a child.

gowmonster

2,471 posts

166 months

Thursday 14th August 2014
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I did actually laugh out loud at that one, oh and just one more thing....

Baldy881

1,333 posts

176 months

Thursday 14th August 2014
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As I came out of the swimming pool with my boy on Saturday afternoon I had a missed call from the OH at home, so gave her a call back...

Her: We've got a powercut and i'm halfway through cooking dinner

Me: Does it look like the rest of the street is off?

Her: I've had a quick wander and it looks like it, i've called the power company and they say they aren't aware but they're sending someone round

Me: Oh, ok. Have you tried resetting the switches in the fusebox? (I am aware these are commonly referred to as RCD and Consumer Unit, but consider who i'm speaking to hehe)

Her: Yes, the power comes on but then just goes straight back off again

Me: Then it isn't a powercut! I'll be home in 20 minutes

Arrive home to find about 50 tea lights doing a ste job of lighting up the house and neighbours homes with lights on rolleyes

Me: Were you doing anything specific just before the power went off?

Her: No, I just opened the oven door and when I closed it the power went off but that's all I can think of

So, after identifying the offending RCD in our weirdly wired up home, I spend ages going round all the rooms with no power (kitchen and 3 bedrooms - labelled on the RCD as 'Kitchen Sockets' !! whistle) and unplug everything in those rooms, this includes having to remove panels in the kitchen island to access hidden sockets and empty a load of cupboards. Note, we have established at this point it's not the cooker.

I then plug everything back in one at a time until the RCD trips.

Me: It's the hobb. Were you using it when the power went off?

Her: No?

Me: Right, well you'd better cancel the chap from the power company

Her: Good idea!

2 days later...

Her: I think I know why the hobb could be broken

Me: Er, why is that?

Her: Well I was boiling the potatoes and the pan boiled over quite a lot

Me: I thought you weren't using the hob?

Her: Well obviously I was...!!

Me: You do know you shouldn't leave the hobb unsupervised?

Her:



Me: Guess that explains it then smile

As you can see, 18 months on I am no further on in my quest for a safer household, but at least we are all still alive (for now)

http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...


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