Getting through to a teenager
Discussion
I need some advice from the PH collective, but first a bit of background....
about 2 years ago I became friends with a lad that had just lost his Dad, we have both gone through pretty traumatic experiences so we connected very well and our friendship has got to the stage where we feel like brothers
The death of his Dad has affected him badly, and he is very quick to anger when provoked, scared and full of guilt over what has happened (even though it wasn't his fault)
Over the last few weeks, his anger has compounded matters landing him in some fairly serious trouble with the law, I expect him to soon be changed with Dangerous Driving, Leaving the scene of an accident and criminal damage (no-one was injured).
I have urged him to get representation before he goes back to answer bail (he is 17), but he hasn't done anything about it yet, I think in the belief that he's going to ignore the problem and pretend that it doesn't exist until the time comes (he is aware of how serious the matter is).
It seems that he is unwilling to listen to advice from him his family and believes he knows best. Whilst I realise I am "only a friend" to him, I might be one of the only people he will listen to (or so I'm told) so feel obligated to say something to him as no-one else has had any luck.
I realise that he on the top of a very slippery slope at the moment and that he needs to take steps to change things, else he is likely to be spending time in prison. The heartbreaking thing is that he is genuinely a great lad with a huge heart whom I have a lot of respect for, he just needs to try and deal with what has happened so he can move on with his life and control his "Red Mist".
Any advice on how to approach him?
about 2 years ago I became friends with a lad that had just lost his Dad, we have both gone through pretty traumatic experiences so we connected very well and our friendship has got to the stage where we feel like brothers
The death of his Dad has affected him badly, and he is very quick to anger when provoked, scared and full of guilt over what has happened (even though it wasn't his fault)
Over the last few weeks, his anger has compounded matters landing him in some fairly serious trouble with the law, I expect him to soon be changed with Dangerous Driving, Leaving the scene of an accident and criminal damage (no-one was injured).
I have urged him to get representation before he goes back to answer bail (he is 17), but he hasn't done anything about it yet, I think in the belief that he's going to ignore the problem and pretend that it doesn't exist until the time comes (he is aware of how serious the matter is).
It seems that he is unwilling to listen to advice from him his family and believes he knows best. Whilst I realise I am "only a friend" to him, I might be one of the only people he will listen to (or so I'm told) so feel obligated to say something to him as no-one else has had any luck.
I realise that he on the top of a very slippery slope at the moment and that he needs to take steps to change things, else he is likely to be spending time in prison. The heartbreaking thing is that he is genuinely a great lad with a huge heart whom I have a lot of respect for, he just needs to try and deal with what has happened so he can move on with his life and control his "Red Mist".
Any advice on how to approach him?
He is angry and venting in different directions.
He is careless and couldnt care about consequences because he doesnt see any future plan for himself.
1. Support him and show him how he can get to where he wants to based on your experience. This will change his outlook.
2. channel his furstrations into something positive which will change him.
He is careless and couldnt care about consequences because he doesnt see any future plan for himself.
1. Support him and show him how he can get to where he wants to based on your experience. This will change his outlook.
2. channel his furstrations into something positive which will change him.
Sounds a bit like me when I was that age (and a bit older too).
I don't have the kind of relationship with my father where I could talk to him about things of consequence, nor he to me. I wonder if having someone who would talk to me man-to-man would have helped at that age - I suspect it would.
I think we're genetically programmed to ignore/mistrust anything our parents say at a certain stage in our lives - perhaps a third party perspective is more effective?
I don't have the kind of relationship with my father where I could talk to him about things of consequence, nor he to me. I wonder if having someone who would talk to me man-to-man would have helped at that age - I suspect it would.
I think we're genetically programmed to ignore/mistrust anything our parents say at a certain stage in our lives - perhaps a third party perspective is more effective?
bobbylondonuk said:
He is angry and venting in different directions.
He is careless and couldnt care about consequences because he doesnt see any future plan for himself.
1. Support him and show him how he can get to where he wants to based on your experience. This will change his outlook.
2. channel his furstrations into something positive which will change him.
I shall give this a try. I moved away from the area he lives in about 6 months ago which I don't think has helped matters as we only really see each other on weekends now (I live about 140 miles away), although we chat every day.He is careless and couldnt care about consequences because he doesnt see any future plan for himself.
1. Support him and show him how he can get to where he wants to based on your experience. This will change his outlook.
2. channel his furstrations into something positive which will change him.
Would it benefit him to spend a few weeks down with me, to remove him from the source of his frustrations?
Was reading through some old threads and thought I would update this...
In the end he went to court and got a referral order (6 months) over the driving matter and now has a driving ban as he received 12 points (9+3 for another matter).
Despite my best efforts, things haven't changed much, he has been arrested another 2-3 times over various acts of stupidity but thankfully it has been NFA'ed each time, I suspect this is more due to a lack of proof rather than the fact he hasn't done it.
I have been trying to support him and channel his energies, but every time I think i'm getting through to him he makes another stupid decision and we end up simply arguing or fighting.
Part of the issue seems to be his friends, who come up with the stupid ideas and he seems to go along with them and there still seems to be a "don't care" attitude from him. The more I try to intervene, the more resistant he becomes even though he seems unable to see or acknowledge the metaphoric cliff he is heading for. These days I spend most of my time just wanting to shake him and scream "wake up"
Sorry to vent onto you guys, but could really use some input or advice from the collective.
In the end he went to court and got a referral order (6 months) over the driving matter and now has a driving ban as he received 12 points (9+3 for another matter).
Despite my best efforts, things haven't changed much, he has been arrested another 2-3 times over various acts of stupidity but thankfully it has been NFA'ed each time, I suspect this is more due to a lack of proof rather than the fact he hasn't done it.
I have been trying to support him and channel his energies, but every time I think i'm getting through to him he makes another stupid decision and we end up simply arguing or fighting.
Part of the issue seems to be his friends, who come up with the stupid ideas and he seems to go along with them and there still seems to be a "don't care" attitude from him. The more I try to intervene, the more resistant he becomes even though he seems unable to see or acknowledge the metaphoric cliff he is heading for. These days I spend most of my time just wanting to shake him and scream "wake up"
Sorry to vent onto you guys, but could really use some input or advice from the collective.
Might be a bit tame, but writing a good old letter could be a possibility. Sure, he might rip it up, but on the other hand it might get through to him and from your end, it allows to to structure what you say so you can weave praise, support and criticism and advice in the right dose to elicit a positive result.
Not an easy thing to craft, but some cold hard truths need to sink in by the sounds of things.
Also, if you can provide an incentive to straighten out, say if you know someone on here with a really special car and could wangle a passenger ride, or if you always go to Le Mans, could you offer to buy his race ticket and get him out on his own and away from his mates for a bit to see how normal human beings operate. So far as you can describe someone drinking solidly for five days and surviving solely on merguez sausages and a cleaning regime involving wetwipes as normal, that is.
Not an easy thing to craft, but some cold hard truths need to sink in by the sounds of things.
Also, if you can provide an incentive to straighten out, say if you know someone on here with a really special car and could wangle a passenger ride, or if you always go to Le Mans, could you offer to buy his race ticket and get him out on his own and away from his mates for a bit to see how normal human beings operate. So far as you can describe someone drinking solidly for five days and surviving solely on merguez sausages and a cleaning regime involving wetwipes as normal, that is.
Smitters said:
Might be a bit tame, but writing a good old letter could be a possibility. Sure, he might rip it up, but on the other hand it might get through to him and from your end, it allows to to structure what you say so you can weave praise, support and criticism and advice in the right dose to elicit a positive result.
Not an easy thing to craft, but some cold hard truths need to sink in by the sounds of things.
Also, if you can provide an incentive to straighten out, say if you know someone on here with a really special car and could wangle a passenger ride, or if you always go to Le Mans, could you offer to buy his race ticket and get him out on his own and away from his mates for a bit to see how normal human beings operate. So far as you can describe someone drinking solidly for five days and surviving solely on merguez sausages and a cleaning regime involving wetwipes as normal, that is.
Good suggestions. Take him to LM and point out to him that with a good job and good friends he could have the freedom to go and experience some of the great things that happen around the world (puts Jim Bowen voice on "Let's look at what you could have won...")Not an easy thing to craft, but some cold hard truths need to sink in by the sounds of things.
Also, if you can provide an incentive to straighten out, say if you know someone on here with a really special car and could wangle a passenger ride, or if you always go to Le Mans, could you offer to buy his race ticket and get him out on his own and away from his mates for a bit to see how normal human beings operate. So far as you can describe someone drinking solidly for five days and surviving solely on merguez sausages and a cleaning regime involving wetwipes as normal, that is.
IT1GTR said:
Was reading through some old threads and thought I would update this...
In the end he went to court and got a referral order (6 months) over the driving matter and now has a driving ban as he received 12 points (9+3 for another matter).
Despite my best efforts, things haven't changed much, he has been arrested another 2-3 times over various acts of stupidity but thankfully it has been NFA'ed each time, I suspect this is more due to a lack of proof rather than the fact he hasn't done it.
I have been trying to support him and channel his energies, but every time I think i'm getting through to him he makes another stupid decision and we end up simply arguing or fighting.
Part of the issue seems to be his friends, who come up with the stupid ideas and he seems to go along with them and there still seems to be a "don't care" attitude from him. The more I try to intervene, the more resistant he becomes even though he seems unable to see or acknowledge the metaphoric cliff he is heading for. These days I spend most of my time just wanting to shake him and scream "wake up"
Sorry to vent onto you guys, but could really use some input or advice from the collective.
Sounds like your a nice chap trying to do something good. In the end he went to court and got a referral order (6 months) over the driving matter and now has a driving ban as he received 12 points (9+3 for another matter).
Despite my best efforts, things haven't changed much, he has been arrested another 2-3 times over various acts of stupidity but thankfully it has been NFA'ed each time, I suspect this is more due to a lack of proof rather than the fact he hasn't done it.
I have been trying to support him and channel his energies, but every time I think i'm getting through to him he makes another stupid decision and we end up simply arguing or fighting.
Part of the issue seems to be his friends, who come up with the stupid ideas and he seems to go along with them and there still seems to be a "don't care" attitude from him. The more I try to intervene, the more resistant he becomes even though he seems unable to see or acknowledge the metaphoric cliff he is heading for. These days I spend most of my time just wanting to shake him and scream "wake up"
Sorry to vent onto you guys, but could really use some input or advice from the collective.
However your friend sounds like a total tool. Sorry but it doesnt matter if your Dad has died it doesnt give you the right to go and get into trouble.
If you say a lot of the problem is due to the people he hangs around with then thats it. The trouble you will have is getting him to want to get away from his friends.
It sounds to me despite your best efforts your p1ssing into the wind on this one. To be helped you have to want to be helped
Thanks for the letter idea, I will give that a go once I can sit down and get some thoughts onto paper.
The thing that's really frustrated me is that at heart, he is a great lad with a big heart and he has serious skills in mechanics, but he is acting like a prize w
ker.
I should probably clarify the friends thing a bit more, as it would be unfair for me to blame them fully, but I do think its a classic case that a group of lads are amusing themselves doing stupid things he wouldn't normally do on his own. An example of this would be them knowing he's banned from driving, however trying to get him to pick them up and take them out and about, however he should still have the willpower to say no.
If things continue the way they are, it wont be long before he gets a jolt in her Majesty's hotel for a while.
The thing that's really frustrated me is that at heart, he is a great lad with a big heart and he has serious skills in mechanics, but he is acting like a prize w
ker.I should probably clarify the friends thing a bit more, as it would be unfair for me to blame them fully, but I do think its a classic case that a group of lads are amusing themselves doing stupid things he wouldn't normally do on his own. An example of this would be them knowing he's banned from driving, however trying to get him to pick them up and take them out and about, however he should still have the willpower to say no.
If things continue the way they are, it wont be long before he gets a jolt in her Majesty's hotel for a while.
IT1GTR said:
Thanks for the letter idea, I will give that a go once I can sit down and get some thoughts onto paper.
The thing that's really frustrated me is that at heart, he is a great lad with a big heart and he has serious skills in mechanics, but he is acting like a prize wker.
I should probably clarify the friends thing a bit more, as it would be unfair for me to blame them fully, but I do think its a classic case that a group of lads are amusing themselves doing stupid things he wouldn't normally do on his own. An example of this would be them knowing he's banned from driving, however trying to get him to pick them up and take them out and about, however he should still have the willpower to say no.
If things continue the way they are, it wont be long before he gets a jolt in her Majesty's hotel for a while.
Good at spannering, likes cars, lives near Herts/Bucks borders? Maybe you could take him to Silverstone to volunteer as marshals for the day? Details on their website - they're always looking for volunteers and would put you with a more experienced person or two.The thing that's really frustrated me is that at heart, he is a great lad with a big heart and he has serious skills in mechanics, but he is acting like a prize w
ker.I should probably clarify the friends thing a bit more, as it would be unfair for me to blame them fully, but I do think its a classic case that a group of lads are amusing themselves doing stupid things he wouldn't normally do on his own. An example of this would be them knowing he's banned from driving, however trying to get him to pick them up and take them out and about, however he should still have the willpower to say no.
If things continue the way they are, it wont be long before he gets a jolt in her Majesty's hotel for a while.
Animal said:
IT1GTR said:
Thanks for the letter idea, I will give that a go once I can sit down and get some thoughts onto paper.
The thing that's really frustrated me is that at heart, he is a great lad with a big heart and he has serious skills in mechanics, but he is acting like a prize wker.
I should probably clarify the friends thing a bit more, as it would be unfair for me to blame them fully, but I do think its a classic case that a group of lads are amusing themselves doing stupid things he wouldn't normally do on his own. An example of this would be them knowing he's banned from driving, however trying to get him to pick them up and take them out and about, however he should still have the willpower to say no.
If things continue the way they are, it wont be long before he gets a jolt in her Majesty's hotel for a while.
Good at spannering, likes cars, lives near Herts/Bucks borders? Maybe you could take him to Silverstone to volunteer as marshals for the day? Details on their website - they're always looking for volunteers and would put you with a more experienced person or two.The thing that's really frustrated me is that at heart, he is a great lad with a big heart and he has serious skills in mechanics, but he is acting like a prize w
ker.I should probably clarify the friends thing a bit more, as it would be unfair for me to blame them fully, but I do think its a classic case that a group of lads are amusing themselves doing stupid things he wouldn't normally do on his own. An example of this would be them knowing he's banned from driving, however trying to get him to pick them up and take them out and about, however he should still have the willpower to say no.
If things continue the way they are, it wont be long before he gets a jolt in her Majesty's hotel for a while.
I know it sounds stupid, but unlike even some of his family, i'm not ready to write him off. Perhaps I'm just a bigger mug than most?
IT1GTR said:
Animal said:
IT1GTR said:
Thanks for the letter idea, I will give that a go once I can sit down and get some thoughts onto paper.
The thing that's really frustrated me is that at heart, he is a great lad with a big heart and he has serious skills in mechanics, but he is acting like a prize wker.
I should probably clarify the friends thing a bit more, as it would be unfair for me to blame them fully, but I do think its a classic case that a group of lads are amusing themselves doing stupid things he wouldn't normally do on his own. An example of this would be them knowing he's banned from driving, however trying to get him to pick them up and take them out and about, however he should still have the willpower to say no.
If things continue the way they are, it wont be long before he gets a jolt in her Majesty's hotel for a while.
Good at spannering, likes cars, lives near Herts/Bucks borders? Maybe you could take him to Silverstone to volunteer as marshals for the day? Details on their website - they're always looking for volunteers and would put you with a more experienced person or two.The thing that's really frustrated me is that at heart, he is a great lad with a big heart and he has serious skills in mechanics, but he is acting like a prize w
ker.I should probably clarify the friends thing a bit more, as it would be unfair for me to blame them fully, but I do think its a classic case that a group of lads are amusing themselves doing stupid things he wouldn't normally do on his own. An example of this would be them knowing he's banned from driving, however trying to get him to pick them up and take them out and about, however he should still have the willpower to say no.
If things continue the way they are, it wont be long before he gets a jolt in her Majesty's hotel for a while.
I know it sounds stupid, but unlike even some of his family, i'm not ready to write him off. Perhaps I'm just a bigger mug than most?
Loopyleesa said:
IT1GTR said:
Animal said:
IT1GTR said:
Thanks for the letter idea, I will give that a go once I can sit down and get some thoughts onto paper.
The thing that's really frustrated me is that at heart, he is a great lad with a big heart and he has serious skills in mechanics, but he is acting like a prize wker.
I should probably clarify the friends thing a bit more, as it would be unfair for me to blame them fully, but I do think its a classic case that a group of lads are amusing themselves doing stupid things he wouldn't normally do on his own. An example of this would be them knowing he's banned from driving, however trying to get him to pick them up and take them out and about, however he should still have the willpower to say no.
If things continue the way they are, it wont be long before he gets a jolt in her Majesty's hotel for a while.
Good at spannering, likes cars, lives near Herts/Bucks borders? Maybe you could take him to Silverstone to volunteer as marshals for the day? Details on their website - they're always looking for volunteers and would put you with a more experienced person or two.The thing that's really frustrated me is that at heart, he is a great lad with a big heart and he has serious skills in mechanics, but he is acting like a prize w
ker.I should probably clarify the friends thing a bit more, as it would be unfair for me to blame them fully, but I do think its a classic case that a group of lads are amusing themselves doing stupid things he wouldn't normally do on his own. An example of this would be them knowing he's banned from driving, however trying to get him to pick them up and take them out and about, however he should still have the willpower to say no.
If things continue the way they are, it wont be long before he gets a jolt in her Majesty's hotel for a while.
I know it sounds stupid, but unlike even some of his family, i'm not ready to write him off. Perhaps I'm just a bigger mug than most?
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff