Discussion
Sir Lord Poopie said:
Can relate to a lot of that. Though additionally I feel like this planet is not my proper home, feel alien, cannot relate to anyone. 31 years old, no family or friends and a lot of continuous bad luck. I have strong resolve to have made it this far, but it's waning.
Loads of people like this TBH 
Ruskie said:
Sounds like you need some time off work - some serious time out. Practicing what I preach after leaving work in late July, I handed in my notice and don't intend to work until next year now, albeit working for myself this time around. Sounds like a long time, but it's what I needed to completely distance myself from the last place and to regain enthusiasm back for what I do. Currently working on my fitness having gained over 30lb due to increased alcohol intake.Sorry to crash this topic but looking for some advice myself. And please excuse the pseudonym, I'm usually on by a different name but want to keep things a bit "on the QT".
I'm one of those people who my friends might look at and think I have a perfect life. Attractive wife who is a generally a great person and a super mother to our happy healthy baby son, nice cars, material possessions, seemingly a good career that pays well, and a beautiful house.
However the past year or so has got increasingly tough. A couple of huge life events...not necessarily negative...but very stressful, on my side. The same, plus PND on her side. Me losing a parent who I had a difficult relationship with, and off the back of that me not doing a great job of being able to support her with the PND. I needed an arm round me to help me through this bit so I've just not been much good at helping her...the wounded trying to help the wounded I guess. Not wanting to bring her down further so therefore not being able to really talk about my own loss and issues, so there's been an increasing distance between us. And bringing up my own child...who I love dearly and means the world to me...has been amazing but also brought flooding back memories of my own unhappy childhood where I often saw violence between my mum and dad and I usually ended up as some pawn/bargaining chip in arguments that I had no understanding of.
The one person I could talk to was a female friend who went through similar and predictably like idiots we developed "complicated" feelings for each other compounding the fk up factor here. Oh, and a high pressure job not going as well as planned in the meantime. Female friend and I know this could end up ugly so have all but ceased contact but that's been tough...really tough...parking the "missing her" bit totally for a moment, my shoulder to cry on isn't there any more and I'm back on my own mentally and I don't know which is worse. The pressure relief valve is jammed and the needle is heading into the red...I feel like a bloody bad father even though I only want the best for my son.
I'm certainly not in the Samaritans bracket by a long way, but feeling like a terrible person right now, with no-one to talk to. Seriously questioning whether the nice house/cars/career is actually what I do want out of life, suddenly a lot of it seems utterly trivial even though it's what I've been striving for so many years (mid forties now) and whether I am worthy to be my wife's partner and father to my son because of these feelings for someone else and sudden general indifference for this life we've made in general. In one future I see myself looking back on this with a happy family seeing that it was due to timings a very dark time full of mistakes that I made it through and knowing what "signs" to look out for in the future. In another one I see an unhappy child growing up, a mother and father who are very distant with each other "staying together for our son", and although neither of us would ever go hammer and tongs like my own parents would, just a "meh" relationship until my dying day. And another where I see a split before he is old enough to know what's happening, and parents who are still civil but perhaps realised that the perfect vision of happy family life sadly wasn't achievable in this case...perhaps happy with new partners respectively instead (and yes female friend could feature). Of, and of course the standard PH lounge answer of the lonely bedsit/sock/CSA/"new dad" in the matrimonial bed etc...
All this feels like there is literally a hand through the top of my skull squeezing my brain a little bit harder every day, and although I've not turned to serious boozing, smoking or anything else I do feel like I need some help here but I'm worried about going to my GP.
Obviously there's a lot of "sensitive" stuff here. Let's say that I decide to pursue a different career, or I dunno, apply for a racing driver's license, shotgun certificate, learn to fly a helicopter or something...are there ever ANY circumstances where an employer/professional body or similar can get access to your medical records and go "oh dear...depression...sorry, that's a no in your case"
I feel like I need to get my head straight in terms of trying to stop my own spiral dive, get back my mojo for getting outside, the gym, my wife...then make a more informed choice about the future. Right now I just have a feeling that I have such a screwed up view of the world, I'm incapable (and therefore, quite rightly, trying to avoid) making any decisions, and they hopefully if things improve and that hand on my brain releases the pressure a bit then option A of "happy families" is suddenly the only logical choice...and that everything else seems like folly. But I think I just need a bit of professional help to get to that point. I feel like I need talking therapy to start with, and then a couples thing...and a big decision about whether to come clean about some of the detail...which could of course then trash everything anyway.
Any ideas?
TWO REQUESTS PLEASE!
1-please don't quote the above words. It was incredibly hard...but useful...to write. But I might want to delete this in the future when all this is over.
2-yes I know I have been an utterly lousy person...I don't need to be reminded. Adding nothing helpful but telling me what a terrible person I am is not going to help. I want to fix things, feel better, be a good person again, so feel free to help but not just be negative.
Thank you
A N O
I'm one of those people who my friends might look at and think I have a perfect life. Attractive wife who is a generally a great person and a super mother to our happy healthy baby son, nice cars, material possessions, seemingly a good career that pays well, and a beautiful house.
However the past year or so has got increasingly tough. A couple of huge life events...not necessarily negative...but very stressful, on my side. The same, plus PND on her side. Me losing a parent who I had a difficult relationship with, and off the back of that me not doing a great job of being able to support her with the PND. I needed an arm round me to help me through this bit so I've just not been much good at helping her...the wounded trying to help the wounded I guess. Not wanting to bring her down further so therefore not being able to really talk about my own loss and issues, so there's been an increasing distance between us. And bringing up my own child...who I love dearly and means the world to me...has been amazing but also brought flooding back memories of my own unhappy childhood where I often saw violence between my mum and dad and I usually ended up as some pawn/bargaining chip in arguments that I had no understanding of.
The one person I could talk to was a female friend who went through similar and predictably like idiots we developed "complicated" feelings for each other compounding the fk up factor here. Oh, and a high pressure job not going as well as planned in the meantime. Female friend and I know this could end up ugly so have all but ceased contact but that's been tough...really tough...parking the "missing her" bit totally for a moment, my shoulder to cry on isn't there any more and I'm back on my own mentally and I don't know which is worse. The pressure relief valve is jammed and the needle is heading into the red...I feel like a bloody bad father even though I only want the best for my son.
I'm certainly not in the Samaritans bracket by a long way, but feeling like a terrible person right now, with no-one to talk to. Seriously questioning whether the nice house/cars/career is actually what I do want out of life, suddenly a lot of it seems utterly trivial even though it's what I've been striving for so many years (mid forties now) and whether I am worthy to be my wife's partner and father to my son because of these feelings for someone else and sudden general indifference for this life we've made in general. In one future I see myself looking back on this with a happy family seeing that it was due to timings a very dark time full of mistakes that I made it through and knowing what "signs" to look out for in the future. In another one I see an unhappy child growing up, a mother and father who are very distant with each other "staying together for our son", and although neither of us would ever go hammer and tongs like my own parents would, just a "meh" relationship until my dying day. And another where I see a split before he is old enough to know what's happening, and parents who are still civil but perhaps realised that the perfect vision of happy family life sadly wasn't achievable in this case...perhaps happy with new partners respectively instead (and yes female friend could feature). Of, and of course the standard PH lounge answer of the lonely bedsit/sock/CSA/"new dad" in the matrimonial bed etc...
All this feels like there is literally a hand through the top of my skull squeezing my brain a little bit harder every day, and although I've not turned to serious boozing, smoking or anything else I do feel like I need some help here but I'm worried about going to my GP.
Obviously there's a lot of "sensitive" stuff here. Let's say that I decide to pursue a different career, or I dunno, apply for a racing driver's license, shotgun certificate, learn to fly a helicopter or something...are there ever ANY circumstances where an employer/professional body or similar can get access to your medical records and go "oh dear...depression...sorry, that's a no in your case"
I feel like I need to get my head straight in terms of trying to stop my own spiral dive, get back my mojo for getting outside, the gym, my wife...then make a more informed choice about the future. Right now I just have a feeling that I have such a screwed up view of the world, I'm incapable (and therefore, quite rightly, trying to avoid) making any decisions, and they hopefully if things improve and that hand on my brain releases the pressure a bit then option A of "happy families" is suddenly the only logical choice...and that everything else seems like folly. But I think I just need a bit of professional help to get to that point. I feel like I need talking therapy to start with, and then a couples thing...and a big decision about whether to come clean about some of the detail...which could of course then trash everything anyway.
Any ideas?
TWO REQUESTS PLEASE!
1-please don't quote the above words. It was incredibly hard...but useful...to write. But I might want to delete this in the future when all this is over.
2-yes I know I have been an utterly lousy person...I don't need to be reminded. Adding nothing helpful but telling me what a terrible person I am is not going to help. I want to fix things, feel better, be a good person again, so feel free to help but not just be negative.
Thank you
A N O
A N O.
I understand (although I don't have kids). I'm dealing with a load of things that date back to childhood.
I've felt flat for the past couple of years. All the trappings of sturdy middle class success but I'm really constantly anxious, down, lethargic and unmotivated.
I found talking to a therapist incredibly helpful. Basically I have chronic depression, which to me is not as bad as it sounds. I don't have the highs, or the crushing lows, but just a constant sense of fatigue, feeling like I have no worth, unable to concentrate and generally feeling like a fraud.
Identifying the problem, and working through the root causes, has given me a lot of hope for the future. I know what I have to work on and what I am working with. Talking about the underlying issues has allowed me to distance myself from that and try to avoid the patterns repeating.
Talk to your wife about it. Explain the distance (maybe leave out the bit about the female friend for the moment), and work with a good therapist. Fix yourself first. There is no shame in asking for help. Your brain and emotions just need a bit of a tune up and diagnostic work.
I understand (although I don't have kids). I'm dealing with a load of things that date back to childhood.
I've felt flat for the past couple of years. All the trappings of sturdy middle class success but I'm really constantly anxious, down, lethargic and unmotivated.
I found talking to a therapist incredibly helpful. Basically I have chronic depression, which to me is not as bad as it sounds. I don't have the highs, or the crushing lows, but just a constant sense of fatigue, feeling like I have no worth, unable to concentrate and generally feeling like a fraud.
Identifying the problem, and working through the root causes, has given me a lot of hope for the future. I know what I have to work on and what I am working with. Talking about the underlying issues has allowed me to distance myself from that and try to avoid the patterns repeating.
Talk to your wife about it. Explain the distance (maybe leave out the bit about the female friend for the moment), and work with a good therapist. Fix yourself first. There is no shame in asking for help. Your brain and emotions just need a bit of a tune up and diagnostic work.
A N O
There does seem to come a time when we realize that all the trappings of happiness are not the same thing as happiness.
But then what? It's trite but it is also true that only you can work out what your answer is. Or even what your question is. Seeing a therapist works for some. Talking or typing is a sort of therapy in itself - you've started. Seeing your doctor is also good. Don't be ashamed, or worry about confidentiality. Maybe try the pills - they won't make you happy, but they can take the edge off and let you see that might be a light at the end of the tunnel.
By the sound of it you have a young baby and a wife with PND. That's a very tough time. Don't rule out "simple" exhaustion.
All the best.
There does seem to come a time when we realize that all the trappings of happiness are not the same thing as happiness.
But then what? It's trite but it is also true that only you can work out what your answer is. Or even what your question is. Seeing a therapist works for some. Talking or typing is a sort of therapy in itself - you've started. Seeing your doctor is also good. Don't be ashamed, or worry about confidentiality. Maybe try the pills - they won't make you happy, but they can take the edge off and let you see that might be a light at the end of the tunnel.
By the sound of it you have a young baby and a wife with PND. That's a very tough time. Don't rule out "simple" exhaustion.
All the best.
A N Other said:
Sorry
Don't be....A N Other said:
I'm certainly not in the Samaritans bracket by a long way
Hate to break it to you fella but having read your post three times you're very much in that bracket.It was the hardest thing I ever did calling them up - and it brings up the tears now remembering just how low, how f
king low a human being can go.Before you start looking at the bottle of whiskey, the bottle of pills, the rope, the hose pipe and the car, make that call. You'll be REALLY REALLY surprised what a difference it makes.
I think my problem at the time was I didn't actually want a 'cure', I wasn't really interested in getting 'better', I'd just had enough and couldn't see a way forward out of it all. I'd given up. Totally given up - I was sick of life.
They did a fantastic job of pointing out a few directions and opportunities that I could try and over a few nights of me crying out my eyes to them over the phone, it turned around.
PM me if you want an off forum chat.
Ruskie said:
What are your thoughts on getting Electroconvulsive therapy?227bhp said:
Ruskie said:
What are your thoughts on getting Electroconvulsive therapy?WinstonWolf said:
227bhp said:
Ruskie said:
What are your thoughts on getting Electroconvulsive therapy?It's something I know nothing about apart from some bloke on a forum I used to be on said he had had it, it worked for him, although obviously just being a face on a screen I knew no more.
Treating depression is about starting at the bottom with the cheap and basic, then moving up step by step with different treatments until you find one that works. I would say ECT is up there at the top, labelled as 'If all else fails'.
227bhp said:
WinstonWolf said:
227bhp said:
Ruskie said:
What are your thoughts on getting Electroconvulsive therapy?It's something I know nothing about apart from some bloke on a forum I used to be on said he had had it, it worked for him, although obviously just being a face on a screen I knew no more.
Treating depression is about starting at the bottom with the cheap and basic, then moving up step by step with different treatments until you find one that works. I would say ECT is up there at the top, labelled as 'If all else fails'.
WinstonWolf said:
227bhp said:
WinstonWolf said:
227bhp said:
Ruskie said:
What are your thoughts on getting Electroconvulsive therapy?It's something I know nothing about apart from some bloke on a forum I used to be on said he had had it, it worked for him, although obviously just being a face on a screen I knew no more.
Treating depression is about starting at the bottom with the cheap and basic, then moving up step by step with different treatments until you find one that works. I would say ECT is up there at the top, labelled as 'If all else fails'.
227bhp said:
WinstonWolf said:
227bhp said:
WinstonWolf said:
227bhp said:
Ruskie said:
What are your thoughts on getting Electroconvulsive therapy?It's something I know nothing about apart from some bloke on a forum I used to be on said he had had it, it worked for him, although obviously just being a face on a screen I knew no more.
Treating depression is about starting at the bottom with the cheap and basic, then moving up step by step with different treatments until you find one that works. I would say ECT is up there at the top, labelled as 'If all else fails'.
WinstonWolf said:
227bhp said:
WinstonWolf said:
227bhp said:
WinstonWolf said:
227bhp said:
Ruskie said:
What are your thoughts on getting Electroconvulsive therapy?It's something I know nothing about apart from some bloke on a forum I used to be on said he had had it, it worked for him, although obviously just being a face on a screen I knew no more.
Treating depression is about starting at the bottom with the cheap and basic, then moving up step by step with different treatments until you find one that works. I would say ECT is up there at the top, labelled as 'If all else fails'.
Is it better than jumping from a bridge?
227bhp said:
WinstonWolf said:
227bhp said:
WinstonWolf said:
227bhp said:
WinstonWolf said:
227bhp said:
Ruskie said:
What are your thoughts on getting Electroconvulsive therapy?It's something I know nothing about apart from some bloke on a forum I used to be on said he had had it, it worked for him, although obviously just being a face on a screen I knew no more.
Treating depression is about starting at the bottom with the cheap and basic, then moving up step by step with different treatments until you find one that works. I would say ECT is up there at the top, labelled as 'If all else fails'.
Is it better than jumping from a bridge?
Can I join in this thread?
For many years I've had the same 'personality'. I have trouble being motivated in all areas of my life. Relationships, work, friends. I like to spend a lot of time by myself. I emotionally eat. I'll get encouraged to do something, like a diet or start exercising, then after a couple of weeks or months interest dries up and I'm back to my old self. At work, I can literally sit and surf the internet all day without doing anything constructive. Other times I feel really motivated and will spend the entire day immersed in a job-related project.
I have quite a small circle of friends and an even smaller family base, and I'm quite content to go weeks if not months without seeing them.
If I do get into a relationship, after the initial spark was died down, I can't be bothered maintain it and end up going back to being single.
I often get annoyed at trivial things that most people would gloss over, like someone parking badly, or not holding a door open, or generally being inconsiderate.
I often go on holidays alone, because when I do go with friends, it gets annoying and I feel my holiday is 'ruined' because of this, for no particular reason.
I guess the most obvious solution is to see my doctor and talk about it, but being a 'typical' male I'd rather deal with it myself, which ironically is going to be something that never happens.
For many years I've had the same 'personality'. I have trouble being motivated in all areas of my life. Relationships, work, friends. I like to spend a lot of time by myself. I emotionally eat. I'll get encouraged to do something, like a diet or start exercising, then after a couple of weeks or months interest dries up and I'm back to my old self. At work, I can literally sit and surf the internet all day without doing anything constructive. Other times I feel really motivated and will spend the entire day immersed in a job-related project.
I have quite a small circle of friends and an even smaller family base, and I'm quite content to go weeks if not months without seeing them.
If I do get into a relationship, after the initial spark was died down, I can't be bothered maintain it and end up going back to being single.
I often get annoyed at trivial things that most people would gloss over, like someone parking badly, or not holding a door open, or generally being inconsiderate.
I often go on holidays alone, because when I do go with friends, it gets annoying and I feel my holiday is 'ruined' because of this, for no particular reason.
I guess the most obvious solution is to see my doctor and talk about it, but being a 'typical' male I'd rather deal with it myself, which ironically is going to be something that never happens.
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