Discussion
I'm off for a week snowboarding at my favorite place in italy for my 1 year anniversary so i know i'll be fine out there,
it seems to be my tranquil place.
I'll get a dr's appointment when i'm back and look at changing meds as don't feel they are anywhere near as effective as when i started on them. even though i do get days of clarity!
I've got imodium instants in my wallet "just in case" but my anxiety in general has decreased since going onto fluoxetine. maybe its more to do with confidence that i'm fighting it and knowing there is something better.
I have found talking on here, on my anonymous twitter page as quite helpful just to clear my head when i'm feeling pent up.
to even show how crap i was the other day, i kept refreshing this page to hope someone had replied and aknowledged me.
it seems to be my tranquil place.
I'll get a dr's appointment when i'm back and look at changing meds as don't feel they are anywhere near as effective as when i started on them. even though i do get days of clarity!
I've got imodium instants in my wallet "just in case" but my anxiety in general has decreased since going onto fluoxetine. maybe its more to do with confidence that i'm fighting it and knowing there is something better.
I have found talking on here, on my anonymous twitter page as quite helpful just to clear my head when i'm feeling pent up.
to even show how crap i was the other day, i kept refreshing this page to hope someone had replied and aknowledged me.
Hi all. After many years of lurking and then signing up last year at some point this is my first post.
I have had depression since about my second last year of high school. I am now at the tail end of being 24 and currently in the midst of a fairly low point (the lowest I have ever felt actually).
Throughout university I had quite a few lows brought on by numerous things (grandparents passing mainly). These however were not as bad as what was to come. Upon graduating I was, as everyone else was, looking for a job. I was presented with two choices, try and get a job close to home in Scotland (which was easier said than done) or look further afield. This led me to move to Leeds in October 2012 where I did get a job.
Since moving to Yorkshire, I have changed job, split up with my girlfriend, moved flat to one that leaks all the time, had ever decreasing levels of motivation and energy and I am struggling to sleep.
This particular low point started about this time last January when I split up with my girlfriend of 4 years. There were various issues which could have been worked out but she wanted out when I wanted to work on it, but she is another story for another time. My social circle in Leeds is very small and because of my ever decreasing levels of motivation and energy I ended up not doing anything out with work. I would get in from work exhausted from putting a face on things and just watch tv or go to bed really early and I ended up travelling back up north to Scotland every three weeks which in itself took a lot out of me.
Things got dramatically worse in October, I ended up finding out some things I really didn't want to. This knocked me sideways and through November, I was struggling massively at work and had to take a few days off towards the end of the month. The doctor put me on antidepressants (the first time I have actually been on them). Also for the first time, last Christmas was the first in my life that I have never look forward to.
Currently, I am trying (and failing and have been since November) to find a new job back in Scotland to be closer to family and friends. Work is still a struggle at the moment. I barely do anything at the weekends because I don't know what to do. I look back at the last 12 months and I think that I have done absolutely sod all and being left behind. I am also finding it incredibly frustrating that I am continually told I am a nice guy, helping people when needed, but when I need support (which I rarely ask for) everyone runs a mile. This in part is probably due to me not feeling like I want to burden people with my problems. This has resulted in me feeling completely isolated, lost, struggling to even put a face on things, currently there isn't really anything I am looking forward to, yet I feel as though I could have prevented all of this from happening in the first place. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday so I'll have to see what happens then.
I do apologise for the long first post. I could have rambled on for a lot longer. Hopefully what I wrote make sense too, sleep deprivation is the cause.
Thanks,
Sal.
I have had depression since about my second last year of high school. I am now at the tail end of being 24 and currently in the midst of a fairly low point (the lowest I have ever felt actually).
Throughout university I had quite a few lows brought on by numerous things (grandparents passing mainly). These however were not as bad as what was to come. Upon graduating I was, as everyone else was, looking for a job. I was presented with two choices, try and get a job close to home in Scotland (which was easier said than done) or look further afield. This led me to move to Leeds in October 2012 where I did get a job.
Since moving to Yorkshire, I have changed job, split up with my girlfriend, moved flat to one that leaks all the time, had ever decreasing levels of motivation and energy and I am struggling to sleep.
This particular low point started about this time last January when I split up with my girlfriend of 4 years. There were various issues which could have been worked out but she wanted out when I wanted to work on it, but she is another story for another time. My social circle in Leeds is very small and because of my ever decreasing levels of motivation and energy I ended up not doing anything out with work. I would get in from work exhausted from putting a face on things and just watch tv or go to bed really early and I ended up travelling back up north to Scotland every three weeks which in itself took a lot out of me.
Things got dramatically worse in October, I ended up finding out some things I really didn't want to. This knocked me sideways and through November, I was struggling massively at work and had to take a few days off towards the end of the month. The doctor put me on antidepressants (the first time I have actually been on them). Also for the first time, last Christmas was the first in my life that I have never look forward to.
Currently, I am trying (and failing and have been since November) to find a new job back in Scotland to be closer to family and friends. Work is still a struggle at the moment. I barely do anything at the weekends because I don't know what to do. I look back at the last 12 months and I think that I have done absolutely sod all and being left behind. I am also finding it incredibly frustrating that I am continually told I am a nice guy, helping people when needed, but when I need support (which I rarely ask for) everyone runs a mile. This in part is probably due to me not feeling like I want to burden people with my problems. This has resulted in me feeling completely isolated, lost, struggling to even put a face on things, currently there isn't really anything I am looking forward to, yet I feel as though I could have prevented all of this from happening in the first place. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday so I'll have to see what happens then.
I do apologise for the long first post. I could have rambled on for a lot longer. Hopefully what I wrote make sense too, sleep deprivation is the cause.
Thanks,
Sal.
Sal, the fact that you're already medicated and seeing the doctor are good steps in the right direction - which some people take a very long time to make.
While you await the doctor to take things further there are things you can do to get yourself starting to feel better.
You speak about difficulty with your free time, such as weekends and evenings - you're not alone on that one, sometimes it's frustrating when I get back from work and watch tv series endlessly until I go to sleep. feels like time wasted when I could be doing something productive or meaningful. Sound familiar?
Routines help - try and get in bed at a set time and get up at a set time. Keep away from bed otherwise - it is very easy to get sucked down by the comfort and security of it. Exercise is even better - if you've not heard it mentioned before - it really is one of the best things you can do. Even if it means just going for a walk to get some fresh air.
Speak to your doctor about sleep as it is something that is important to get on top of. In my case, he changed my medication early on and that seemed to help.
While you await the doctor to take things further there are things you can do to get yourself starting to feel better.
You speak about difficulty with your free time, such as weekends and evenings - you're not alone on that one, sometimes it's frustrating when I get back from work and watch tv series endlessly until I go to sleep. feels like time wasted when I could be doing something productive or meaningful. Sound familiar?
Routines help - try and get in bed at a set time and get up at a set time. Keep away from bed otherwise - it is very easy to get sucked down by the comfort and security of it. Exercise is even better - if you've not heard it mentioned before - it really is one of the best things you can do. Even if it means just going for a walk to get some fresh air.
Speak to your doctor about sleep as it is something that is important to get on top of. In my case, he changed my medication early on and that seemed to help.
I hope I can say something positive without coming across as self obsessed. So I say this in the sincere hope its useful as many of you appear to be fairly new at this, and a glimpse ahead may be useful. I was diagnosed bipolar (or manic depressive) about 6 years ago when I was 22, but I have been for my entire adult life to an increasing degree. I was eventually pressurised for a formal diagnosis by my then girlfriend. Personally I don't like talking, but I guess if it helps at least one person it might be worth it.
Anyway back in the day I enjoyed the dizzying heights and crushing lows that only moderately severe manic depression can bring. I abused substances, others, and even myself. I lived for reckless highs, with no lasting concept of the future in between longer periods, where I would sob on the cold kitchen floor in the foetal position, lamenting about my self-destructive nature and inadequacies. Even at one point taking a bowie knife and slicing across my arm to illustrate to suffering friend why self-harm was wrong. I'm unconvinced I understood the irony at the time but she never cut herself again.
So fast forward a few years and after speaking to GP I see a shrink. He asserts that I'm not insane, which I ask if I can have in writing, and he starts me on Sodium Valporate. This fails to control anything. Over the next through years I break through the dose so many times I find I now take five horse pill size capsules. After eating them I keep vomiting so I'm on anti-emetics. My hair thins. My short term memory is the same as a 70 year old, and the gastrointestinal problems don't stop at the top end. I should have been more honest with my Psychiatrist, but I wanted it to work, so I pressed on in spite of the rather obvious poisonous side effects at the dose level. I see my life in short glimpses, in between having to work 16 hour days vomiting into chemical toilets of Ryanair flights.
So I resign to stop taking the pills. I will instead meditate, I will do CBT and the exercises I was given, I will recognise symptoms, I will detox and live a life without chemicals, free from waking up three times a night to vomit like some f
king chemo patient. After all it could just be a misdiagnosis, it's all subjective. After a few days the sickness alleviates, I am elated. 'I can do this', I tell myself, but my girlfriend who I live with somehow becomes an irritation. As do several members of my family. In a rage one day I rip two interior doors off their hinges, like a large angry child. Coming back from holiday I jump into an occupied taxi and threaten the passenger for being rude to my partner, who eventually threatens to leave me unless I go back to the doctors. Terrified at how my mind slipped away from me without notice, I agree.
So I concede I cannot make it alone, and I'm given Lithium Carbonate for my humility. I have the same frustrations in finding a dose, and it isn't a cure but its working. The therapeutic window is narrow, so I look forward to slightly shortened life of blood tests, but I am now married, in a nice house, a good job, (not just a good job for a sick person from a crap area an actual good job), I am confident, and I am a close approximation of happy, my first child is due this summer, and this is my belated point... You can get there. It is never easy, but it doesn't have to stop you living your life. It is not a label you must declare.
There's a saying, 'don't pray for an easy life, pray to be a stronger man', succinctly that is the best advice I can offer someone starting down the road of treatment. Your life will never be easy, so you simply have to accept it and be stronger. You will have bad days. You will feel weak, alone, and it will feel hopeless, but face forward in the driving rain, those are the days you close you eyes and press on, with a broken gait, until it subsides.
When I grew up, I was rightly or wrongly taught that blokes should not be weak. It's certainly a dangerous philosophy in the wrong hands, as it can mean people can be too ashamed to seek help, or feel inadequate, neither of these things are unfamiliar to the depressed. But like most I have suffered, I have felt real loss from this, and I am still sick. But here I am, I am coping, and as far as the aspirational strength stakes are concerned, far from feeling inadequate, I have nothing left to prove.
Anyway back in the day I enjoyed the dizzying heights and crushing lows that only moderately severe manic depression can bring. I abused substances, others, and even myself. I lived for reckless highs, with no lasting concept of the future in between longer periods, where I would sob on the cold kitchen floor in the foetal position, lamenting about my self-destructive nature and inadequacies. Even at one point taking a bowie knife and slicing across my arm to illustrate to suffering friend why self-harm was wrong. I'm unconvinced I understood the irony at the time but she never cut herself again.
So fast forward a few years and after speaking to GP I see a shrink. He asserts that I'm not insane, which I ask if I can have in writing, and he starts me on Sodium Valporate. This fails to control anything. Over the next through years I break through the dose so many times I find I now take five horse pill size capsules. After eating them I keep vomiting so I'm on anti-emetics. My hair thins. My short term memory is the same as a 70 year old, and the gastrointestinal problems don't stop at the top end. I should have been more honest with my Psychiatrist, but I wanted it to work, so I pressed on in spite of the rather obvious poisonous side effects at the dose level. I see my life in short glimpses, in between having to work 16 hour days vomiting into chemical toilets of Ryanair flights.
So I resign to stop taking the pills. I will instead meditate, I will do CBT and the exercises I was given, I will recognise symptoms, I will detox and live a life without chemicals, free from waking up three times a night to vomit like some f
king chemo patient. After all it could just be a misdiagnosis, it's all subjective. After a few days the sickness alleviates, I am elated. 'I can do this', I tell myself, but my girlfriend who I live with somehow becomes an irritation. As do several members of my family. In a rage one day I rip two interior doors off their hinges, like a large angry child. Coming back from holiday I jump into an occupied taxi and threaten the passenger for being rude to my partner, who eventually threatens to leave me unless I go back to the doctors. Terrified at how my mind slipped away from me without notice, I agree.So I concede I cannot make it alone, and I'm given Lithium Carbonate for my humility. I have the same frustrations in finding a dose, and it isn't a cure but its working. The therapeutic window is narrow, so I look forward to slightly shortened life of blood tests, but I am now married, in a nice house, a good job, (not just a good job for a sick person from a crap area an actual good job), I am confident, and I am a close approximation of happy, my first child is due this summer, and this is my belated point... You can get there. It is never easy, but it doesn't have to stop you living your life. It is not a label you must declare.
There's a saying, 'don't pray for an easy life, pray to be a stronger man', succinctly that is the best advice I can offer someone starting down the road of treatment. Your life will never be easy, so you simply have to accept it and be stronger. You will have bad days. You will feel weak, alone, and it will feel hopeless, but face forward in the driving rain, those are the days you close you eyes and press on, with a broken gait, until it subsides.
When I grew up, I was rightly or wrongly taught that blokes should not be weak. It's certainly a dangerous philosophy in the wrong hands, as it can mean people can be too ashamed to seek help, or feel inadequate, neither of these things are unfamiliar to the depressed. But like most I have suffered, I have felt real loss from this, and I am still sick. But here I am, I am coping, and as far as the aspirational strength stakes are concerned, far from feeling inadequate, I have nothing left to prove.
Edited by Prof Prolapse on Tuesday 20th January 17:32
Thanks for the reply storminnorman. Everything you have said makes sense and to some degree I have been doing it already.
Sleep is something that has always been a problem for me, even from a very young age and I have been to the doctor about it separately on and off for years too!
Regarding the motivation, more often than not, it is exactly what you described. Recently though, I have been forcing myself to do more albeit starting small where I am creating a small artwork for something or currently relearning Solidworks since socially at the moment is a bit difficult. I'm also in the position of being able to walk to and from work and even go for a walk at lunchtime just to try and help things.
It has only been four weeks since I last spoke to the doctor but it feels that a lot has happened in that time. He has been very good in making sure I have been ok and encouraging me to keep going back to see him on a fairly regular basis. It is little things like that which are helpful.
Thanks,
Sal.
Sleep is something that has always been a problem for me, even from a very young age and I have been to the doctor about it separately on and off for years too!
Regarding the motivation, more often than not, it is exactly what you described. Recently though, I have been forcing myself to do more albeit starting small where I am creating a small artwork for something or currently relearning Solidworks since socially at the moment is a bit difficult. I'm also in the position of being able to walk to and from work and even go for a walk at lunchtime just to try and help things.
It has only been four weeks since I last spoke to the doctor but it feels that a lot has happened in that time. He has been very good in making sure I have been ok and encouraging me to keep going back to see him on a fairly regular basis. It is little things like that which are helpful.
Thanks,
Sal.
Today I did what I have said for the last 6 years I woudn't do - started taking anti- depressants again. I'm scared that they will turn me into a robot like last time - even though they are different drugs. I'm scared that any of the long lst of side effects will happen to me. I'm scared that on the drugs i won't have the energy/will to run - running has been what has kept me going for the last 15 months but has stopped being enough.
In the last 24 hours i have cried in front of one of my bsses and the Dr. I feel that I have failed myself and more importantly my wife. The thought of spending the day trying to work is - I don't really know what it is.
Not really sure the point of what I have written but my wife is at work and I can't tell all that to my 6 year old.
In the last 24 hours i have cried in front of one of my bsses and the Dr. I feel that I have failed myself and more importantly my wife. The thought of spending the day trying to work is - I don't really know what it is.
Not really sure the point of what I have written but my wife is at work and I can't tell all that to my 6 year old.
279 said:
Excuse me gents, but I've got a bit on my chest and nowhere really to say it.
I have suffered with depression since childhood/early teens. Its seems like it has always been there, at least for the majority of my life and there seems to be no signs of it relenting anytime soon.
I always thought the majority of my depression was situational. When I was stuck in a Job that I particularly hated or wasn't in employment my depression would get worse, a constant fog of gloom that inhibits all of my thoughts. The feelings of self worth are at an all time low and thoughts of suicide would creep in daily.
So would anyone mind explaining to me why that now I have a job that I enjoy, pays me well and is something that I feel I actually might be good at do I feel the same, Albeit, the thoughts of low self worth being replaced by crippling anxiety that when (not if) I screw this up, I'm fked.
I am constantly tired. Unchecked I can sleep well into 12 hours and still wake up unable to face the thought of the day. I'm grumpy,short tempered and general a bit of an arse with my family and I feel unable to make any real plans with my life, partly due to anxiety that it will go all wrong and partly because I have no idea what to do. Despite being on good money, I cannot afford to buy in London, the idea of a grand a month rent above a takeaway pisses me off and I have zero interest in any of the hobbies any more. Cars? Football? Video games? Friends? I simply don't care anymore.
Over the years I've tried various methods of "coping". Some harmful, some insane. Long term, all have provide a quick fix, but I thankfully Haven gone back to bad habits, at least not yet. Currently I'm on 40mg of flux and have taken to chain smoking when given the chance. It'll kill me sooner so later right? Sometimesthst feels like all i really want
Why? Because I think depression is almost thr defining part of my personality and my life. The apathy, the loniness, the isolation, the tiredness, the irritablity. The process of stumbling from one episode to another, this is what my life feels like. This is what I feel like.
But I gotta keep fighting
.
You've just described my life. Except I can't sleep that long.I have suffered with depression since childhood/early teens. Its seems like it has always been there, at least for the majority of my life and there seems to be no signs of it relenting anytime soon.
I always thought the majority of my depression was situational. When I was stuck in a Job that I particularly hated or wasn't in employment my depression would get worse, a constant fog of gloom that inhibits all of my thoughts. The feelings of self worth are at an all time low and thoughts of suicide would creep in daily.
So would anyone mind explaining to me why that now I have a job that I enjoy, pays me well and is something that I feel I actually might be good at do I feel the same, Albeit, the thoughts of low self worth being replaced by crippling anxiety that when (not if) I screw this up, I'm f
ked.I am constantly tired. Unchecked I can sleep well into 12 hours and still wake up unable to face the thought of the day. I'm grumpy,short tempered and general a bit of an arse with my family and I feel unable to make any real plans with my life, partly due to anxiety that it will go all wrong and partly because I have no idea what to do. Despite being on good money, I cannot afford to buy in London, the idea of a grand a month rent above a takeaway pisses me off and I have zero interest in any of the hobbies any more. Cars? Football? Video games? Friends? I simply don't care anymore.
Over the years I've tried various methods of "coping". Some harmful, some insane. Long term, all have provide a quick fix, but I thankfully Haven gone back to bad habits, at least not yet. Currently I'm on 40mg of flux and have taken to chain smoking when given the chance. It'll kill me sooner so later right? Sometimesthst feels like all i really want
Why? Because I think depression is almost thr defining part of my personality and my life. The apathy, the loniness, the isolation, the tiredness, the irritablity. The process of stumbling from one episode to another, this is what my life feels like. This is what I feel like.
But I gotta keep fighting
.How's everyone holding up?
Facing tremendous pressure at work now (most of it down to a senior manager going all out to make my working life a nightmare) and I find myself slipping into that dark hole again.
Not sure if it's depression but rather more of worrying/anxiety. I keep worrying all the time which makes my mood low and makes my stressed out. Tried to enjoy Valentine's but just can't no matter how hard I forced myself. Strangely enough I don't seem to have problem sleeping but rather the opposite - I just feel like tucking myself in bed most of the time.
Noticed an over the counter medicine called "Kalms" which is marketed to help stress. Has anyone tried this? Just not very sure about taking 3 doses a day...
Facing tremendous pressure at work now (most of it down to a senior manager going all out to make my working life a nightmare) and I find myself slipping into that dark hole again.
Not sure if it's depression but rather more of worrying/anxiety. I keep worrying all the time which makes my mood low and makes my stressed out. Tried to enjoy Valentine's but just can't no matter how hard I forced myself. Strangely enough I don't seem to have problem sleeping but rather the opposite - I just feel like tucking myself in bed most of the time.
Noticed an over the counter medicine called "Kalms" which is marketed to help stress. Has anyone tried this? Just not very sure about taking 3 doses a day...
crazy about cars said:
How's everyone holding up?
Facing tremendous pressure at work now (most of it down to a senior manager going all out to make my working life a nightmare) and I find myself slipping into that dark hole again.
Not sure if it's depression but rather more of worrying/anxiety. I keep worrying all the time which makes my mood low and makes my stressed out. Tried to enjoy Valentine's but just can't no matter how hard I forced myself. Strangely enough I don't seem to have problem sleeping but rather the opposite - I just feel like tucking myself in bed most of the time.
Noticed an over the counter medicine called "Kalms" which is marketed to help stress. Has anyone tried this? Just not very sure about taking 3 doses a day...
Noticed next to nothing with calms. Better off going for a long walk / gym.Facing tremendous pressure at work now (most of it down to a senior manager going all out to make my working life a nightmare) and I find myself slipping into that dark hole again.
Not sure if it's depression but rather more of worrying/anxiety. I keep worrying all the time which makes my mood low and makes my stressed out. Tried to enjoy Valentine's but just can't no matter how hard I forced myself. Strangely enough I don't seem to have problem sleeping but rather the opposite - I just feel like tucking myself in bed most of the time.
Noticed an over the counter medicine called "Kalms" which is marketed to help stress. Has anyone tried this? Just not very sure about taking 3 doses a day...
Mike22233 said:
Noticed next to nothing with calms. Better off going for a long walk / gym.
Good idea - I was in London few days back and went for a long stroll after dinner. Did calm me down and went to dreamland pretty quickly after.I might try to get back in contact with a therapist I underwent CBT with to try and see if there's any further sessions available.
crazy about cars said:
How's everyone holding up?
Not very well.crazy about cars said:
Noticed an over the counter medicine called "Kalms" which is marketed to help stress. Has anyone tried this? Just not very sure about taking 3 doses a day...
Ineffective for me. Long gym session more effective all round.curlyks2 said:
Not very well.
What's up buddy care to share?curlyks2 said:
Ineffective for me. Long gym session more effective all round.
Well always wanted to join the gym but let's just say I'm not a gym person. Local gym always full of muscular/fit men so I feel a bit embarrassed.Defo need to consider for exercise though... good stress reliever.
Wacky Racer said:
Thanks for posting that link.crazy about cars said:
Noticed an over the counter medicine called "Kalms" which is marketed to help stress. Has anyone tried this? Just not very sure about taking 3 doses a day...
Kalms worked for a short time for me, along with "Rescue Remedy" spray for the panicky times.Both worth a go IMO just don't overdo the Kalms, 2 doses a day was ok for me.
twing said:
Kalms worked for a short time for me, along with "Rescue Remedy" spray for the panicky times.
Both worth a go IMO just don't overdo the Kalms, 2 doses a day was ok for me.
Thanks for the feedback. I'm not a big fan of taking pills (except vitamins) so always would appreciate feedback before committing.Both worth a go IMO just don't overdo the Kalms, 2 doses a day was ok for me.
Not sure if related to depression but I find that I'm over worrying about things. Sometimes a comment or thought would hang in my mind and latch on and I end up getting too worked up over it even though it might not be the end of the world.
Due to recent work related stress this has now become really noticeable and sometimes it just makes me feel very low and reclusive. I find it very hard to express positive emotions.
Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff