Depression

[Ruskie]

Petrolhead95 said:

Has anybody else suffered very short temper and stress issues caused by depression?

My patience levels are low when I'm having a down day. Makes me snappy and short tempered.

[Ruskie]

279 said:

Why? Because I think depression is almost thr defining part of my personality and my life. The apathy, the loniness, the isolation, the tiredness, the irritablity. The process of stumbling from one episode to another, this is what my life feels like. This is what I feel like.

But I gotta keep fighting .

Your not alone. This is how I feel most of the time, I have a family, children and job but it's merely a distraction from my thoughts.

Had s bad week and not really on good terms with the other half again.

[Ruskie]

Had my first counselling session last week and since I have been a bit more positive and things better at home. After getting over the initial awkward stage it was ok. I'm still a bit cynical but we will see how it goes.

[Ruskie]

twing said:

Nice one" one on one or a group?

1-1

[Ruskie]

Had a great week last week then bang, yesterday it hit me again. I'm exhausted with this now. I honestly think if I didn't have to get up for work I would stay in bed 24/7. I contemplated going home last night from work as my frame of mind wasn't right but I managed to get through the night shift.

Tomorrow I'm booking to see GP again and further counselling.

[Ruskie]

Had a bad weekend leads to my relationship being on the brink again. My fault. Had too much to drink and to hell with the consequences. More counselling and GP this week.

Anyone write their thoughts down? I'm going to try and see if an outlet helps.

[Ruskie]

I have started a blog to document my thoughts on depression and explore my own reasons for suffering. I would appreciate feedback, follows and RT on Twitter @Footballruined

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com

Thanks a lot.

[Ruskie]

Thanks you for anyone who has taken the time to read. It's appreciated.

New blog post


Early days. | howfootballruinedmylife
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...


I will get to the depression and dark side soon!

[Ruskie]

Once again a big thank you for anyone taking the time to read the blog. Here is the next post.


https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...

[Ruskie]

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...

The next stage of my blog talks about performance anxiety and how it affected my life and career.

Thanks if you are taking the time to read.

[Ruskie]

jonamv8 said:

Ruskie - im liking your blog mate, keep it going and if it helps then bonus

Im also trying to work out who u are!

Thanks a lot. Got a good few topics to talk about. I feel like I have set the scene now to talk about the depression a bit more.

[Ruskie]

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...

New blog about what depression means for me and how it affects my life. Feedback and RT's appreciated.

[Ruskie]

New blog about my time spent on international duty.

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...

[Ruskie]

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...

Working link this time! Rejection in football.

Edited by Ruskie on Friday 3rd April 23:54

Edited by Ruskie on Sunday 5th April 01:29

[Ruskie]

MrOnTheRopes said:

Not working.. should it be this one? https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...

Thanks, Ruskie.

That's the one! Cheers.

[Ruskie]

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...

My latest blog explores the impact my illness has on those around me.

Thanks for reading it means a lot.

[Ruskie]

I am currently in a pretty horrific down period. Here are my thoughts poured out in the blog.

My new blog post detailing how I am currently feeling. Feedback appreciated.

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...

[Ruskie]

drivin_me_nuts said:

Since the loss of my wife, my tolerance has dropped markedly. Life you there were days when I could not get out of bed. There were days when I ached, physically ached with flu like symptoms and my body felt racked with pain. That was the initial grief and it was followed with a year of depression. I know this now because i'm not there any more and sometimes when you look back, do you then realise how bad it was.

I will say this to you and I say it because I had to say the same to myself.

'I can do today'.

Even if that meant getting our of bed at 6pm and not 7pm. Even if it meant eating toast when yesterday I only ate biscuits. Sometimes, in the worst of it, you look at the smallest of small victories to get your through the day, to make today a 'day' and not just a continuing sequence of one period of alternating light and dark.

Within you there is the motivation to be something different, to do something different. When wading through treacle, it's impossibly hard to even see beyond the next few moments, but each moment can become one where you can 'be', not just be one of 'existence'. I hope you understand what I mean. You are so much more than this depression. To take the smallest step is to control of life again. It's a hard solitary walk and in my darkest days I used to walk the seafront alone. Oh yea, there were loads of people about and it did make magnify my sense of loss and loneliness, but the benefit was that walking in the same space as others, even when feeling completely alone, meant that I was not alone. it helped me reform a sense of connection with the world and so maybe for you, in your world the missing of football, the loss you feel can be addressed by you in a subtle way.

One day, go watch a kick-about somewhere. be part of it, because even if you are not playing, you are still there.. part of it, part of life.

Buy a ball. It must be a new ball. For a new future. Take it home and hold it close. Close your eyes and dream of playing with it again. Put it on your foot, let it drop on your feet and as it does and you feel the connection between ball and foot, make a connection in your mind with you doing it again. To break the bonds of depression, you have to MAKE new bonds that are real and credible and make you want to move forwards.

I did. I bought a new bike. It sat in my house for a year. I put on two stone in weight when my wife died. Then one day I got on my bike and rode it. I had not planned to, it just happened. Three miles, up hill from my home in Brighton to the Devils Dyke. Christ it hurt and I ached for days. That night I felt different. I had moved. The pain was the pain of moving life forwards again. But it was not a battle. it was not a fight, it became something else inside.

You leaving your depression is YOU moving the depression away from you until one day it is out of your body and mind and 'somewhere over there'. And one day you'll laugh at yourself, but you'll point to 'it', 'over there' and say yes, it was part of me, but i'm done with it.

So please, buy the ball. Hold it close, take the thing that means something precious to you and use that as your path to becoming you again.

As always, as one who walked this path to,

my best wishes to you Ruskie.

What a fantastic and heartfelt post. Thank you for taking the time to write it.

[Ruskie]

I am in the middle of the longest bout of depression I have ever had, currently over a month solid. I'm exhausted and ready to crack. My meds have been doubled to see if I can level out. Struggling.

[Ruskie]

My latest blog post.

https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...