Discussion
My new blog post on feeling isolated when suffering with depression.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
As usual all feedback, good or bad appreciated.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
As usual all feedback, good or bad appreciated.
New Blog. Depression contributing to the demise of my relationship.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
Ruskie said:
New Blog. Depression contributing to the demise of my relationship.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
It's really difficult for me to post without seeming uh, 'naff' or without using corny quotes and one liners (so i'll just let rip https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
), but no matter how dim you let it get, don't let the light go out, just don't give up. Keep facing forward and try to move in the right direction. I think keeping that light on is your job, not anyone elses.It is like swimming against the tide, walking against a force ten and it is quite often one step forward and two back, just keep on clinging to whatever it is you have - and you do have things, positive things; all is not lost and never should be.
You'll have something to talk about at your next counselling session, sounds daft that at first, but it used to worry me a little that when it was coming up to my day for going I would have nothing to talk about. I seem to think that if you have several sessions of 'nothing much to talk about' then maybe you are better or at least getting there.
Keep the blogs coming, you write very well, people are reading them and relating to them.
Here's a thought for you and anyone else; should fellow 'depressives' get together for a chat? I don't mean a group, nothing heavy, no trying to give advice. I've often wondered and thought that if I knew someone in my area was suffering like I do sometimes or have done, that I would reach out a hand if they wanted to chat. I'm certainly no councillor (far from it), but often just listening and agreeing because you've been there can help.
A really good friend and I both suffer sometimes and he tells me he gets a lot out of just talking to me, but we do get along really well in other respects so maybe that helps as we have lots of other things to talk about.
Thoughts anyone?
Edited by 227bhp on Wednesday 3rd June 10:01
I've been to a lot of support groups assisting, and they need someone organising and chairing for them to be productive, otherwise people dont feel listened to. Getting people there is hard, especially when getting out of bed is a struggle
I've always found you can move in one of two ways. You can either go for a goal or you can go in a direction. Both can be used, but goals can be mis used and they become self defeating
As an example, you might say 'I want to go to Grimsby, Grimsby is where the good stuff is, and I want to be in the good stuff' So you set off but you get lost, there's a flat tyre and a holdup on the motorway, and getting to Grimsby is now really hard work and you're stuck in Doncaster.
A goal, of getting to Grimsby is a short term one, and there's no guarantee you'll get there, or when you do that you'll even like it. A goal of 'I'm going to have a decent breafast' is attainable, and is easier to reach.
An objective or direction, of heading East for example, and if there's bumps in the road, as long as you're still going East is an easier one. If you live your life headed towards a general direction, and that direction is the one of good things, happier times, brighter days, better sleep and more enjoyable times are over that way, and you're headed that way, you avoid the 'what now, I've got stuck in Donny, I've hitched to Grimsby, I'm in Grimsby and it's s
t' thinking that can creep in. It's harder, but more rewarding to go in a direction
I've always found you can move in one of two ways. You can either go for a goal or you can go in a direction. Both can be used, but goals can be mis used and they become self defeating
As an example, you might say 'I want to go to Grimsby, Grimsby is where the good stuff is, and I want to be in the good stuff' So you set off but you get lost, there's a flat tyre and a holdup on the motorway, and getting to Grimsby is now really hard work and you're stuck in Doncaster.
A goal, of getting to Grimsby is a short term one, and there's no guarantee you'll get there, or when you do that you'll even like it. A goal of 'I'm going to have a decent breafast' is attainable, and is easier to reach.
An objective or direction, of heading East for example, and if there's bumps in the road, as long as you're still going East is an easier one. If you live your life headed towards a general direction, and that direction is the one of good things, happier times, brighter days, better sleep and more enjoyable times are over that way, and you're headed that way, you avoid the 'what now, I've got stuck in Donny, I've hitched to Grimsby, I'm in Grimsby and it's s
t' thinking that can creep in. It's harder, but more rewarding to go in a direction227bhp said:
Ruskie said:
New Blog. Depression contributing to the demise of my relationship.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
It's really difficult for me to post without seeming uh, 'naff' or without using corny quotes and one liners (so i'll just let rip https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
), but no matter how dim you let it get, don't let the light go out, just don't give up. Keep facing forward and try to move in the right direction. I think keeping that light on is your job, not anyone elses.It is like swimming against the tide, walking against a force ten and it is quite often one step forward and two back, just keep on clinging to whatever it is you have - and you do have things, positive things; all is not lost and never should be.
You'll have something to talk about at your next counselling session, sounds daft that at first, but it used to worry me a little that when it was coming up to my day for going I would have nothing to talk about. I seem to think that if you have several sessions of 'nothing much to talk about' then maybe you are better or at least getting there.
Keep the blogs coming, you write very well, people are reading them and relating to them.
Here's a thought for you and anyone else; should fellow 'depressives' get together for a chat? I don't mean a group, nothing heavy, no trying to give advice. I've often wondered and thought that if I knew someone in my area was suffering like I do sometimes or have done, that I would reach out a hand if they wanted to chat. I'm certainly no councillor (far from it), but often just listening and agreeing because you've been there can help.
A really good friend and I both suffer sometimes and he tells me he gets a lot out of just talking to me, but we do get along really well in other respects so maybe that helps as we have lots of other things to talk about.
Thoughts anyone?
Edited by 227bhp on Wednesday 3rd June 10:01
Ruskie said:
New Blog. Depression contributing to the demise of my relationship.
https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
Your posts have been brilliant. A great read that give a lot of back story. And there are a good few points that particularly resonate with me.https://howfootballruinedmylife.wordpress.com/2015...
It has been a while since I have posted anything in here. I won't go into too much detail just now but I have made a lot of steps to help me get back on track and it has involved a change of job and moving back in with my parents for a little while (having the company is nice). However it does just seem I'm a magnet for bad luck which is continually keeping me down. Car getting broken into. 5 Weeks without car as it was getting repaired. No one having time for me. New job not what I was expecting and not what I want to be doing. That sort of thing.
The biggest thing for me just now is the loneliness I am feeling and my attempts at reaching out for help from people I thought were friends (ones who know and ones who don't know about what I'm going through), even just for a catchup over lunch or something is proving fruitless. Even my brother and sister have rarely been talking to me recently.
I'll maybe write something a bit more substantial soon but as it is, I'm shattered. It did feel good to finally vent a little bit though.
I don't think I've ever posted in this thread, but I often read it. What I'm about to say is not meant to offend any of you guys who I know from my own experiences are suffering terribly, but I had a 'life-changing experience' last year, which may just offer one person a new perspective that might help them.
My own experiences - I'm 35 in a couple of days time (Friday). I've always been 'odd'; quite bright, but never quite had the focus to fully capitalise on that (think nightmare child/at school etc!), never really comfortable in my own skin etc. I was 17 when I realised that I was a depressive, and tried to get help from my GP (yeah, ok...). So it's hammered me for over half of my life.
In that time, I go up, down, up down. I've never pushed to find out, but honestly, I would guess at some element of bi-polar in there. The downs have been very down; suicidal status etc. Anyway, it's never happened. I always like myself to a cockroach; try as it might, nothing will take me out!
I'll just footnote here, very few people know of 'my battles' and just see someone who's doing ok - got friends, family, house, own business etc. so doing ok.
Anyway, January 2014, ongoing situations in my business (a client shafting me for a LOT of money the year before) caught up with me. we were facing a massive imminent debt that I thought would bring us down - losing the house, the lot. Anxiety really didn't help the situation escalating in my head. I didn't help matters by keeping it all to myself and not telling my wife (not proud). It escalated to the point of my wife expecting me to disappear off and not reappear alive. And to be honest I could see that happening too.
We actually got that sorted, just telling the wife helped massively, and we could strategise, I finally got my finger out of my arse and we started to get sorted. In actual fact, a lucky break with another client helped out massively, and I totally cleared the decks and got us straight again within four months, debts cleared, the lot!
Whilst the worst of that was going on, I was away for a weekend working, and the wife found out she was pregnant with child #2. And pretty much freaked out given where we/I were at. But we weren't going to change that.
Roll on to September and the baby's imminent, in fact one day overdue. The wife had a perfect pregnancy, no real issues and all was looking well. Until the waters broke and we 'popped in to the hospital for a quick once over' until labour got to the point of pushing. All well and good generally, other than the contractions being consistently close despite only being very slightly dilated. A long story short and the baby was born incredibly unwell - as in they expected her to survive hours if lucky.
That was the game changer - stood outside Colchester Hospital thinking I would be arranging my baby's funeral. Nothing ever has, nor ever will be as black as that moment for me. I don't care what happens to me personally, obviously I do about the rest of my friends and family. But that was the pits. And as a result, that thought will be with me forever, particularly when things look a bit st.
As I say, that's not meant to knock anyone here at all, but it may be an eye-opener for some
(Ps. our little girl must have been born under a lucky star, she was given amazing treatment at every step of the way and made a nigh on perfect recovery!).
My own experiences - I'm 35 in a couple of days time (Friday). I've always been 'odd'; quite bright, but never quite had the focus to fully capitalise on that (think nightmare child/at school etc!), never really comfortable in my own skin etc. I was 17 when I realised that I was a depressive, and tried to get help from my GP (yeah, ok...). So it's hammered me for over half of my life.
In that time, I go up, down, up down. I've never pushed to find out, but honestly, I would guess at some element of bi-polar in there. The downs have been very down; suicidal status etc. Anyway, it's never happened. I always like myself to a cockroach; try as it might, nothing will take me out!
I'll just footnote here, very few people know of 'my battles' and just see someone who's doing ok - got friends, family, house, own business etc. so doing ok.
Anyway, January 2014, ongoing situations in my business (a client shafting me for a LOT of money the year before) caught up with me. we were facing a massive imminent debt that I thought would bring us down - losing the house, the lot. Anxiety really didn't help the situation escalating in my head. I didn't help matters by keeping it all to myself and not telling my wife (not proud). It escalated to the point of my wife expecting me to disappear off and not reappear alive. And to be honest I could see that happening too.
We actually got that sorted, just telling the wife helped massively, and we could strategise, I finally got my finger out of my arse and we started to get sorted. In actual fact, a lucky break with another client helped out massively, and I totally cleared the decks and got us straight again within four months, debts cleared, the lot!
Whilst the worst of that was going on, I was away for a weekend working, and the wife found out she was pregnant with child #2. And pretty much freaked out given where we/I were at. But we weren't going to change that.
Roll on to September and the baby's imminent, in fact one day overdue. The wife had a perfect pregnancy, no real issues and all was looking well. Until the waters broke and we 'popped in to the hospital for a quick once over' until labour got to the point of pushing. All well and good generally, other than the contractions being consistently close despite only being very slightly dilated. A long story short and the baby was born incredibly unwell - as in they expected her to survive hours if lucky.
That was the game changer - stood outside Colchester Hospital thinking I would be arranging my baby's funeral. Nothing ever has, nor ever will be as black as that moment for me. I don't care what happens to me personally, obviously I do about the rest of my friends and family. But that was the pits. And as a result, that thought will be with me forever, particularly when things look a bit s
t.As I say, that's not meant to knock anyone here at all, but it may be an eye-opener for some
(Ps. our little girl must have been born under a lucky star, she was given amazing treatment at every step of the way and made a nigh on perfect recovery!).
muppetdave said:
I don't think I've ever posted in this thread, but I often read it. What I'm about to say is not meant to offend any of you guys who I know from my own experiences are suffering terribly, but I had a 'life-changing experience' last year, which may just offer one person a new perspective that might help them.
My own experiences - I'm 35 in a couple of days time (Friday). I've always been 'odd'; quite bright, but never quite had the focus to fully capitalise on that (think nightmare child/at school etc!), never really comfortable in my own skin etc. I was 17 when I realised that I was a depressive, and tried to get help from my GP (yeah, ok...). So it's hammered me for over half of my life.
In that time, I go up, down, up down. I've never pushed to find out, but honestly, I would guess at some element of bi-polar in there. The downs have been very down; suicidal status etc. Anyway, it's never happened. I always like myself to a cockroach; try as it might, nothing will take me out!
I'll just footnote here, very few people know of 'my battles' and just see someone who's doing ok - got friends, family, house, own business etc. so doing ok.
Anyway, January 2014, ongoing situations in my business (a client shafting me for a LOT of money the year before) caught up with me. we were facing a massive imminent debt that I thought would bring us down - losing the house, the lot. Anxiety really didn't help the situation escalating in my head. I didn't help matters by keeping it all to myself and not telling my wife (not proud). It escalated to the point of my wife expecting me to disappear off and not reappear alive. And to be honest I could see that happening too.
We actually got that sorted, just telling the wife helped massively, and we could strategise, I finally got my finger out of my arse and we started to get sorted. In actual fact, a lucky break with another client helped out massively, and I totally cleared the decks and got us straight again within four months, debts cleared, the lot!
Whilst the worst of that was going on, I was away for a weekend working, and the wife found out she was pregnant with child #2. And pretty much freaked out given where we/I were at. But we weren't going to change that.
Roll on to September and the baby's imminent, in fact one day overdue. The wife had a perfect pregnancy, no real issues and all was looking well. Until the waters broke and we 'popped in to the hospital for a quick once over' until labour got to the point of pushing. All well and good generally, other than the contractions being consistently close despite only being very slightly dilated. A long story short and the baby was born incredibly unwell - as in they expected her to survive hours if lucky.
That was the game changer - stood outside Colchester Hospital thinking I would be arranging my baby's funeral. Nothing ever has, nor ever will be as black as that moment for me. I don't care what happens to me personally, obviously I do about the rest of my friends and family. But that was the pits. And as a result, that thought will be with me forever, particularly when things look a bit st.
As I say, that's not meant to knock anyone here at all, but it may be an eye-opener for some
(Ps. our little girl must have been born under a lucky star, she was given amazing treatment at every step of the way and made a nigh on perfect recovery!).
Sounds like that last event gave you perspective. I'm glad your little girl is doing well I was dreading reaching the last paragraph!My own experiences - I'm 35 in a couple of days time (Friday). I've always been 'odd'; quite bright, but never quite had the focus to fully capitalise on that (think nightmare child/at school etc!), never really comfortable in my own skin etc. I was 17 when I realised that I was a depressive, and tried to get help from my GP (yeah, ok...). So it's hammered me for over half of my life.
In that time, I go up, down, up down. I've never pushed to find out, but honestly, I would guess at some element of bi-polar in there. The downs have been very down; suicidal status etc. Anyway, it's never happened. I always like myself to a cockroach; try as it might, nothing will take me out!
I'll just footnote here, very few people know of 'my battles' and just see someone who's doing ok - got friends, family, house, own business etc. so doing ok.
Anyway, January 2014, ongoing situations in my business (a client shafting me for a LOT of money the year before) caught up with me. we were facing a massive imminent debt that I thought would bring us down - losing the house, the lot. Anxiety really didn't help the situation escalating in my head. I didn't help matters by keeping it all to myself and not telling my wife (not proud). It escalated to the point of my wife expecting me to disappear off and not reappear alive. And to be honest I could see that happening too.
We actually got that sorted, just telling the wife helped massively, and we could strategise, I finally got my finger out of my arse and we started to get sorted. In actual fact, a lucky break with another client helped out massively, and I totally cleared the decks and got us straight again within four months, debts cleared, the lot!
Whilst the worst of that was going on, I was away for a weekend working, and the wife found out she was pregnant with child #2. And pretty much freaked out given where we/I were at. But we weren't going to change that.
Roll on to September and the baby's imminent, in fact one day overdue. The wife had a perfect pregnancy, no real issues and all was looking well. Until the waters broke and we 'popped in to the hospital for a quick once over' until labour got to the point of pushing. All well and good generally, other than the contractions being consistently close despite only being very slightly dilated. A long story short and the baby was born incredibly unwell - as in they expected her to survive hours if lucky.
That was the game changer - stood outside Colchester Hospital thinking I would be arranging my baby's funeral. Nothing ever has, nor ever will be as black as that moment for me. I don't care what happens to me personally, obviously I do about the rest of my friends and family. But that was the pits. And as a result, that thought will be with me forever, particularly when things look a bit s
t.As I say, that's not meant to knock anyone here at all, but it may be an eye-opener for some
(Ps. our little girl must have been born under a lucky star, she was given amazing treatment at every step of the way and made a nigh on perfect recovery!).
Ruskie said:
It was decided at my last counselling session that it wasn't working and that it was a bit pointless. It hadn't halted me falling further into depression so I won't be going again. Back to the drawing board.
Out of interest, who decided it wasn't working, and was there a preconceived idea that attending the sessions would be an instant magic wand in finding a way deal with your depression. Finding another therapist that you can work with and support you will pay off if you can allow the process to work. Finding the right therapist is like buying shoes, you rarely buy the fist pair you try on. Good LuckThink I'm finally ready to post. There were a couple of things that are making me feel ill, some of it to do with my father and some of it to do with my current relationship and my son but for now I'll just concentrate on the relationship stuff.
I've been with my girlfriend for seven years now, we have an 18month old son. This isn't my first, I have a 16yr old from a previous relationship who we had when we were young and split up when he was 18months old after she cheated. It was a turbulent relationship but despite this she never had any qualms in letting me be a father. I would go to work or college, come home, we'd have tea, then she'd go out to work from 6pm - 11pm. I'd feed my son, bath him, put him to bed, everything worked out. We had no issues with our son, specifically behavioural issues. He was a problem free child.
Contrast that to my current relationship where after the birth of our son my girlfriend seems to have unleashed the mental and dialled it up to 11. It wasn't always like this, prior to the arrival of the baby we rarely argued and the relationship was healthy but after he arrived things turned insane.
At first everything was fine, when she first came home I would get up with him in the night, feed him, change him, let her rest, etc. But then, after a few weeks, she just completely took over; feeding him, the nappy changes, bathing him, looking after him, the lot. At 18 months old I have never had any quality time to bond with my son. She's never left him with me whilst she nips into town or the shop or just to have a break. She doesn't even let me get him out of his car seat when we've been out in the car. Since the day he was born they have been joined at the hip. Furthermore, she won't let anyone else look after him either. My mother, for example, has never spent any meaningful time with him, she's not allowed to take him out and my girlfriend won't let her have him overnight, not even once a month or every few months. Her reasoning is 'he's too young' (which will become a recurring theme). I say that I don't believe he's too young to stay at a grandparents once every so often only to get shut down and told that I'm in the minority and that everyone she knows agrees with her. I am highly sceptical as I have never known anyone else to act like this. She says he can stay at my mothers (or hers) when he's old enough to decide for himself (so, some unspecified point in the future).
I often feel like she gets jealous of him becoming attached to anyone but her. When she has struggled to get him to sleep, if I have a go and I'm fortunate enough that he falls asleep for me, instead of being happy he's asleep she'll pick holes and say that he's fell asleep in the 'wrong position' and now we'll have to disturb him by moving him or something equally as petty. In addition, when I'm playing with my son and we're having fun together she never looks happy either, there's always this look on her face that suggests she's looking for something to criticise me for. For example, if he was to then fall and bump his head you can guarantee she will go mad at me and say it was my fault.
At 18 months old she has never taken a single photo of me and the baby together. There are photos of the two of us, ones taken by other people, but none she has taken. I find that odd. I look on Facebook at friends profiles and see photos of them with their kids that their other halves have taken and ask myself why it's never crossed her mind to take any photos of the two of us together, even though there has been plenty of opportunity (she's taken countless photos of the baby and numerous selfies of the two of them together). I've mentioned this to her but it just seems to have fallen on deaf ears. It often feels like she would prefer I didn't exist to my son.
We're currently living at her parents house, the three of us in a single bed in their boxroom. It's every bit the nightmare it sounds, I'm lucky if I get 3 hours sleep a night. I've been saving like mad for our own place and recently a property became available through someone my mum knows. We had first refusal, there are no agency fees or credit checks, the place is stunning. It's 2 beds and a box room which gives me somewhere to work (I work from home), a room for our son and enough space elsewhere to have a sofa bed so my eldest can stay over. So given our stty situation, I jumped at it. We we're supposed to be moving in a week. At first my girlfriend was enthusiastic (buying bits and bobs for our home, including furniture and small appliances) and was worried it'd all fall through, but then she started becoming more and more irrational. At first she said "I think he should have a bed in our room as he's too young for his own room". Again I beg to differ but I just agreed with her. Then, a week or so later, that changed to "I think he should sleep in our bed with us when we move in, as he won't settle in his own bed". Now she's wanting to pull out of moving into this house completely.
Because she's not currently working (I'll get back to this) and I earn not very much (slightly less than NMW), we're entitled to housing benefit (I'd prefer to pay my own way in life but circumstances what they are, it is what it is). We'd have to put £36 a week towards the rent. It's peanuts in the scheme of things. Suddenly, she doesn't want to move in because that £36 a week is 'too much'. She'd much prefer we move into a smaller 2 bed place so we don't have to pay any rent at all. When I asked her where I'm supposed to work she suggests I set up my desk in our sons bedroom. Nothing I say makes her see that wouldn't be conducive to a working environment. I think she should be grateful we're entitled to anything at all and that £36 a week contribution is beyond reasonable, I point out we'd be fked if we had to pay full rent, like most people. Just goes in one ear and out the other. Her other complaint is that she'd have to find a job and put the baby in nursery (which again, she says he's too young for!?). I said she wouldn't, she could find an evening job and I would look after him. Nope. She just point blank refuses to entertain that idea. What she really wants is everything handed to her on a plate so she can be the stay at home mother, because she believes nobody else should look after our son and that includes me. She has even said on two occasions "I'm the one that's raising him". Like I have no input at all? As another example, after we viewed this house she just blurted out "when we move in here nothing will change, nobody is going to come and take him out or have him overnight". I hadn't even raised the subject yet once again we were having this argument. I asked if that included me; "what about me? can I take him out? If I want to take him to the park can I do that?". She just said "we can take him out together". When I push the question and ask her for a straight answer to "can I take him out on my own or not?" she just refused to answer. It's not just me, this isn't normal, is it?
So here I am in limbo, a week away from moving in date with a girlfriend who doesn't want to move with me. I've told her I'll move in with or without her, even though that would mean I'd have to pay the full rent by myself (as a single, low earning male, I'd be entitled to zilch) and it would likely ruin me financially. However, I cannot continue to live three in a bed in a box room, the lack of sleep is making me ill and I'm getting cabin fever as we have zero privacy, zero time to ourselves and no space for any of us. The addition of having a crazy girlfriend who makes me feel like some sort of nonce case because she refuses to let me look after our son without supervision is just the icing on the cake.
I've asked her what she would do if we weren't together with regards our son and she outright stated that I wouldn't be having him overnight. I'd get to see him, with her there, but that's it. I said "and if a court decides otherwise? if they say I'm to have him overnight" she said (and I wish I was joking) "not happening, I'll find a way to stop it, I'll run away if I have to". That's right, rather than letting me have my son overnight once a week, she would RUN AWAY. What. the. fk?
On top of all this, I believe it is affecting our sons behaviour. He is a nightmare. He's just naughty, all of the time, which I believe is down to her mollycoddling him and not letting him socialise with anyone else in any meaningful capacity. She also lets him do whatever he wants, like sipping coffee out of her mug which I've argued repeatedly probably isn't good for him but her response is always "it's just a sip, what's it going to do!?". Then there's all the junk st she lets him have; crisps, biscuits, all the good stuff to ensure he bounces off the fking walls for hours on end. If he misbehaves and I tell him off, she'll instantly undermine me. If he gets upset because he's been told off for being naughty, she comforts him. I've told her she shouldn't do that but she just argues the toss about how she's "not just going to let him sit there and cry". Recently it's gone up a notch, when he doesn't get his own way he just gets so angry, to the point he's now headbutting things; people, walls, doors, windows, the floor. I don't know where this has come from and it's breaking my heart seeing him turning out like this. I don't think it's normal, I don't think he should have these issues. My ex and I certainly never went through any of this with our son and I'm certain that's because we took equal responsibility in looking after him and he was allowed to stay with family and socialise with other people, etc.
I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to. Do I move in on my own knowing it's going to be tough? Do I abandon the idea all together and just end the relationship and move back to my mums? I don't want the relationship to end but it's broken, fundamentally broken. She doesn't want to split up with me but it's difficult to believe she wants to be with me when she treats me like some sort of weirdo when it comes to our son. If she can't trust me to look after him on my own then what's the point in us being together? But if we separate then where does that leave me with my son when she's telling me I won't get to have him?
I've relented to everything and let her have her own way when it comes to our son, then I've sorted us a house, I'm paying the bond, the deposit and spending the few thousand I've saved to furnish the place, and she's just thrown it back in my face. What the hell is the sensible solution to any of this?
I've been with my girlfriend for seven years now, we have an 18month old son. This isn't my first, I have a 16yr old from a previous relationship who we had when we were young and split up when he was 18months old after she cheated. It was a turbulent relationship but despite this she never had any qualms in letting me be a father. I would go to work or college, come home, we'd have tea, then she'd go out to work from 6pm - 11pm. I'd feed my son, bath him, put him to bed, everything worked out. We had no issues with our son, specifically behavioural issues. He was a problem free child.
Contrast that to my current relationship where after the birth of our son my girlfriend seems to have unleashed the mental and dialled it up to 11. It wasn't always like this, prior to the arrival of the baby we rarely argued and the relationship was healthy but after he arrived things turned insane.
At first everything was fine, when she first came home I would get up with him in the night, feed him, change him, let her rest, etc. But then, after a few weeks, she just completely took over; feeding him, the nappy changes, bathing him, looking after him, the lot. At 18 months old I have never had any quality time to bond with my son. She's never left him with me whilst she nips into town or the shop or just to have a break. She doesn't even let me get him out of his car seat when we've been out in the car. Since the day he was born they have been joined at the hip. Furthermore, she won't let anyone else look after him either. My mother, for example, has never spent any meaningful time with him, she's not allowed to take him out and my girlfriend won't let her have him overnight, not even once a month or every few months. Her reasoning is 'he's too young' (which will become a recurring theme). I say that I don't believe he's too young to stay at a grandparents once every so often only to get shut down and told that I'm in the minority and that everyone she knows agrees with her. I am highly sceptical as I have never known anyone else to act like this. She says he can stay at my mothers (or hers) when he's old enough to decide for himself (so, some unspecified point in the future).
I often feel like she gets jealous of him becoming attached to anyone but her. When she has struggled to get him to sleep, if I have a go and I'm fortunate enough that he falls asleep for me, instead of being happy he's asleep she'll pick holes and say that he's fell asleep in the 'wrong position' and now we'll have to disturb him by moving him or something equally as petty. In addition, when I'm playing with my son and we're having fun together she never looks happy either, there's always this look on her face that suggests she's looking for something to criticise me for. For example, if he was to then fall and bump his head you can guarantee she will go mad at me and say it was my fault.
At 18 months old she has never taken a single photo of me and the baby together. There are photos of the two of us, ones taken by other people, but none she has taken. I find that odd. I look on Facebook at friends profiles and see photos of them with their kids that their other halves have taken and ask myself why it's never crossed her mind to take any photos of the two of us together, even though there has been plenty of opportunity (she's taken countless photos of the baby and numerous selfies of the two of them together). I've mentioned this to her but it just seems to have fallen on deaf ears. It often feels like she would prefer I didn't exist to my son.
We're currently living at her parents house, the three of us in a single bed in their boxroom. It's every bit the nightmare it sounds, I'm lucky if I get 3 hours sleep a night. I've been saving like mad for our own place and recently a property became available through someone my mum knows. We had first refusal, there are no agency fees or credit checks, the place is stunning. It's 2 beds and a box room which gives me somewhere to work (I work from home), a room for our son and enough space elsewhere to have a sofa bed so my eldest can stay over. So given our s
tty situation, I jumped at it. We we're supposed to be moving in a week. At first my girlfriend was enthusiastic (buying bits and bobs for our home, including furniture and small appliances) and was worried it'd all fall through, but then she started becoming more and more irrational. At first she said "I think he should have a bed in our room as he's too young for his own room". Again I beg to differ but I just agreed with her. Then, a week or so later, that changed to "I think he should sleep in our bed with us when we move in, as he won't settle in his own bed". Now she's wanting to pull out of moving into this house completely.Because she's not currently working (I'll get back to this) and I earn not very much (slightly less than NMW), we're entitled to housing benefit (I'd prefer to pay my own way in life but circumstances what they are, it is what it is). We'd have to put £36 a week towards the rent. It's peanuts in the scheme of things. Suddenly, she doesn't want to move in because that £36 a week is 'too much'. She'd much prefer we move into a smaller 2 bed place so we don't have to pay any rent at all. When I asked her where I'm supposed to work she suggests I set up my desk in our sons bedroom. Nothing I say makes her see that wouldn't be conducive to a working environment. I think she should be grateful we're entitled to anything at all and that £36 a week contribution is beyond reasonable, I point out we'd be f
ked if we had to pay full rent, like most people. Just goes in one ear and out the other. Her other complaint is that she'd have to find a job and put the baby in nursery (which again, she says he's too young for!?). I said she wouldn't, she could find an evening job and I would look after him. Nope. She just point blank refuses to entertain that idea. What she really wants is everything handed to her on a plate so she can be the stay at home mother, because she believes nobody else should look after our son and that includes me. She has even said on two occasions "I'm the one that's raising him". Like I have no input at all? As another example, after we viewed this house she just blurted out "when we move in here nothing will change, nobody is going to come and take him out or have him overnight". I hadn't even raised the subject yet once again we were having this argument. I asked if that included me; "what about me? can I take him out? If I want to take him to the park can I do that?". She just said "we can take him out together". When I push the question and ask her for a straight answer to "can I take him out on my own or not?" she just refused to answer. It's not just me, this isn't normal, is it?So here I am in limbo, a week away from moving in date with a girlfriend who doesn't want to move with me. I've told her I'll move in with or without her, even though that would mean I'd have to pay the full rent by myself (as a single, low earning male, I'd be entitled to zilch) and it would likely ruin me financially. However, I cannot continue to live three in a bed in a box room, the lack of sleep is making me ill and I'm getting cabin fever as we have zero privacy, zero time to ourselves and no space for any of us. The addition of having a crazy girlfriend who makes me feel like some sort of nonce case because she refuses to let me look after our son without supervision is just the icing on the cake.
I've asked her what she would do if we weren't together with regards our son and she outright stated that I wouldn't be having him overnight. I'd get to see him, with her there, but that's it. I said "and if a court decides otherwise? if they say I'm to have him overnight" she said (and I wish I was joking) "not happening, I'll find a way to stop it, I'll run away if I have to". That's right, rather than letting me have my son overnight once a week, she would RUN AWAY. What. the. f
k?On top of all this, I believe it is affecting our sons behaviour. He is a nightmare. He's just naughty, all of the time, which I believe is down to her mollycoddling him and not letting him socialise with anyone else in any meaningful capacity. She also lets him do whatever he wants, like sipping coffee out of her mug which I've argued repeatedly probably isn't good for him but her response is always "it's just a sip, what's it going to do!?". Then there's all the junk s
t she lets him have; crisps, biscuits, all the good stuff to ensure he bounces off the fking walls for hours on end. If he misbehaves and I tell him off, she'll instantly undermine me. If he gets upset because he's been told off for being naughty, she comforts him. I've told her she shouldn't do that but she just argues the toss about how she's "not just going to let him sit there and cry". Recently it's gone up a notch, when he doesn't get his own way he just gets so angry, to the point he's now headbutting things; people, walls, doors, windows, the floor. I don't know where this has come from and it's breaking my heart seeing him turning out like this. I don't think it's normal, I don't think he should have these issues. My ex and I certainly never went through any of this with our son and I'm certain that's because we took equal responsibility in looking after him and he was allowed to stay with family and socialise with other people, etc. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to. Do I move in on my own knowing it's going to be tough? Do I abandon the idea all together and just end the relationship and move back to my mums? I don't want the relationship to end but it's broken, fundamentally broken. She doesn't want to split up with me but it's difficult to believe she wants to be with me when she treats me like some sort of weirdo when it comes to our son. If she can't trust me to look after him on my own then what's the point in us being together? But if we separate then where does that leave me with my son when she's telling me I won't get to have him?
I've relented to everything and let her have her own way when it comes to our son, then I've sorted us a house, I'm paying the bond, the deposit and spending the few thousand I've saved to furnish the place, and she's just thrown it back in my face. What the hell is the sensible solution to any of this?
Christ you have got to be better off by yourself and gain legal access to your lovely son, she will totally send you over the edge if you are not hanging on by your fingertips already, reading your post sounds like the quality of life you have with her is awful, obviously can't speak from being In a situation like this but is sounds so toxic and she isn't appreciating anything you are doing, if you do the list for reasons to stay (obviously excluding your son) and reason to go, its got to be a one sided list surely??
Just wish you all the best, don't want to quote good old Jeremy kyle but she is using that child against you, and you must deserve more than the life you are having now, hope you have the strength and resources to put yourself first, then sorting out the son side later, he definitely needs you in his life as she can't be doing him any favours for his future
Good luck and keep us posted, can you get free legal aid ref visiting rights,contact centre type of thing
Perhaps some one on here will be able to advise legally what you can do and need to do
Keep going though
Just wish you all the best, don't want to quote good old Jeremy kyle but she is using that child against you, and you must deserve more than the life you are having now, hope you have the strength and resources to put yourself first, then sorting out the son side later, he definitely needs you in his life as she can't be doing him any favours for his future
Good luck and keep us posted, can you get free legal aid ref visiting rights,contact centre type of thing
Perhaps some one on here will be able to advise legally what you can do and need to do
Keep going though
It wasn't always like this though. Before Oakey Jnr II arrived we rarely argued, things were good, she always smiled. She never used to stop smiling. Then baby arrived and it was like another person came along and replaced her. She just became this irrational, mental wreck. A number of people have suggested she might have post natal depression, it didn't go down very well when I broached that subject.
Her excuse for this behaviour is to blame it on baby and make out it's his separation anxiety that's the problem but the truth is it's her, all her. Him sleeping in a bed in our room and then wanting him to sleep in our bed instead, none of that is because of baby, it's because that's what she wants. It's her that doesn't want to be apart from him, and it's getting really unhealthy. I'm not saying she should dump him on whoever, whenever, but she has to let other people help, let him bond with other people, especially me, yet no amount of reasoning gets through to her. It's as if she thinks people will judge her as a bad mother if she lets someone else look after him for a few hours.
Her excuse for this behaviour is to blame it on baby and make out it's his separation anxiety that's the problem but the truth is it's her, all her. Him sleeping in a bed in our room and then wanting him to sleep in our bed instead, none of that is because of baby, it's because that's what she wants. It's her that doesn't want to be apart from him, and it's getting really unhealthy. I'm not saying she should dump him on whoever, whenever, but she has to let other people help, let him bond with other people, especially me, yet no amount of reasoning gets through to her. It's as if she thinks people will judge her as a bad mother if she lets someone else look after him for a few hours.
Oakey said:
It wasn't always like this though. Before Oakey Jnr II arrived we rarely argued, things were good, she always smiled. She never used to stop smiling. Then baby arrived and it was like another person came along and replaced her. She just became this irrational, mental wreck. A number of people have suggested she might have post natal depression, it didn't go down very well when I broached that subject.
Her excuse for this behaviour is to blame it on baby and make out it's his separation anxiety that's the problem but the truth is it's her, all her. Him sleeping in a bed in our room and then wanting him to sleep in our bed instead, none of that is because of baby, it's because that's what she wants. It's her that doesn't want to be apart from him, and it's getting really unhealthy. I'm not saying she should dump him on whoever, whenever, but she has to let other people help, let him bond with other people, especially me, yet no amount of reasoning gets through to her. It's as if she thinks people will judge her as a bad mother if she lets someone else look after him for a few hours.
I guess you have the advantage of parenting your first child, she doesn't, the anxiety about being separated from him may be true for her, it's possible she might have PND has she spoken to her Dr about this possibility. Where do you get your support from. Her excuse for this behaviour is to blame it on baby and make out it's his separation anxiety that's the problem but the truth is it's her, all her. Him sleeping in a bed in our room and then wanting him to sleep in our bed instead, none of that is because of baby, it's because that's what she wants. It's her that doesn't want to be apart from him, and it's getting really unhealthy. I'm not saying she should dump him on whoever, whenever, but she has to let other people help, let him bond with other people, especially me, yet no amount of reasoning gets through to her. It's as if she thinks people will judge her as a bad mother if she lets someone else look after him for a few hours.
happychap said:
I guess you have the advantage of parenting your first child, she doesn't, the anxiety about being separated from him may be true for her, it's possible she might have PND has she spoken to her Dr about this possibility. Where do you get your support from.
Having a first child should work in my favour but she simply dismisses every suggestion I make. For example, he was being fussy about eating his meals and I pointed out there was some Heinz Spaghetti in tomato sauce in the cupboard and she should try him with it (because what kids don't love Heinz anything?). She just brushed the suggestion off and ignored it. A few weeks later I see she's making him the Heinz Spaghetti for his tea. Unsurprisingly, he loved it. "I'm going to feed him stuff like this more often" she says. Yet when I suggested it she wasn't interested, but now she's decided to try him on it it's the greatest idea ever? And that's how it feels everything is. I've sorted this house, now she wants to veto it and move into a house of her choosing. It's like she has to be in complete control of everything.But still, first child or not, my first sons mother wasn't this attached. She had to go back to work, she had no choice, she had to leave him with me and it worked. The relationship might have failed but she never shut me out of being a father. I don't like being apart from our son either but I still have to go out to work everyday (I'm currently working out of my granddads house). That's just life. She can't be permanently attached to him until he starts school, that would just be ridiculous.
I've suggested she speak to her GP but that, again, doesn't go down too well. She's also one of these mothers that wants to take the baby to a Dr for every slight issue. She's utterly paranoid about his wellbeing. Last year, in the height of Summer, she wouldn't even let me take him outside in the garden; "It's too cold" she'd say. Even when it was 25c! Except, of course, when she wanted to take him out in the garden, then it wasn't too cold.
I don't know what sense you mean when talking about 'support'?
happychap said:
Ruskie said:
It was decided at my last counselling session that it wasn't working and that it was a bit pointless. It hadn't halted me falling further into depression so I won't be going again. Back to the drawing board.
Out of interest, who decided it wasn't working, and was there a preconceived idea that attending the sessions would be an instant magic wand in finding a way deal with your depression. Finding another therapist that you can work with and support you will pay off if you can allow the process to work. Finding the right therapist is like buying shoes, you rarely buy the fist pair you try on. Good LuckOakey said:
Having a first child should work in my favour but she simply dismisses every suggestion I make. For example, he was being fussy about eating his meals and I pointed out there was some Heinz Spaghetti in tomato sauce in the cupboard and she should try him with it (because what kids don't love Heinz anything?). She just brushed the suggestion off and ignored it. A few weeks later I see she's making him the Heinz Spaghetti for his tea. Unsurprisingly, he loved it. "I'm going to feed him stuff like this more often" she says. Yet when I suggested it she wasn't interested, but now she's decided to try him on it it's the greatest idea ever? And that's how it feels everything is. I've sorted this house, now she wants to veto it and move into a house of her choosing. It's like she has to be in complete control of everything.
But still, first child or not, my first sons mother wasn't this attached. She had to go back to work, she had no choice, she had to leave him with me and it worked. The relationship might have failed but she never shut me out of being a father. I don't like being apart from our son either but I still have to go out to work everyday (I'm currently working out of my granddads house). That's just life. She can't be permanently attached to him until he starts school, that would just be ridiculous.
I've suggested she speak to her GP but that, again, doesn't go down too well. She's also one of these mothers that wants to take the baby to a Dr for every slight issue. She's utterly paranoid about his wellbeing. Last year, in the height of Summer, she wouldn't even let me take him outside in the garden; "It's too cold" she'd say. Even when it was 25c! Except, of course, when she wanted to take him out in the garden, then it wasn't too cold.
I don't know what sense you mean when talking about 'support'?
By support I mean in terms of being able to off load with someone that is not directly involved and can be impartial without having an agenda. Out of interest were these traits she is now displaying present in a lesser capacity before your son was born but now are more prevalent. Do you have access to a local SURE START center, they have an array of programs that will be supportive.But still, first child or not, my first sons mother wasn't this attached. She had to go back to work, she had no choice, she had to leave him with me and it worked. The relationship might have failed but she never shut me out of being a father. I don't like being apart from our son either but I still have to go out to work everyday (I'm currently working out of my granddads house). That's just life. She can't be permanently attached to him until he starts school, that would just be ridiculous.
I've suggested she speak to her GP but that, again, doesn't go down too well. She's also one of these mothers that wants to take the baby to a Dr for every slight issue. She's utterly paranoid about his wellbeing. Last year, in the height of Summer, she wouldn't even let me take him outside in the garden; "It's too cold" she'd say. Even when it was 25c! Except, of course, when she wanted to take him out in the garden, then it wasn't too cold.
I don't know what sense you mean when talking about 'support'?
Just a thought, I'm wondering what would happen if you took control and gave her moving date where you would all be moving into the new flat, don't have a discussion about it, just be clear on the date of the move and stick with a firm boundary.
Ruskie said:
It was a sort of mutual things they asked if it was helping, I said not at all. It was suggested perhaps now wasn't the time for counselling.
I'm wondering if working through that feeling that it wasn't working may have help to break the cycle of counselling not working. Sometimes it can be appear easier to stop the process of making changes as it means giving something up, and it can feel unfamiliar and scary. A counselor can help and support you through this process to make the changes that can help you move forward. Gassing Station | Health Matters | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff