Discussion
happychap said:
By support I mean in terms of being able to off load with someone that is not directly involved and can be impartial without having an agenda. Out of interest were these traits she is now displaying present in a lesser capacity before your son was born but now are more prevalent. Do you have access to a local SURE START center, they have an array of programs that will be supportive.
Just a thought, I'm wondering what would happen if you took control and gave her moving date where you would all be moving into the new flat, don't have a discussion about it, just be clear on the date of the move and stick with a firm boundary.
I get you, I didn't know if you meant professionally or what.Just a thought, I'm wondering what would happen if you took control and gave her moving date where you would all be moving into the new flat, don't have a discussion about it, just be clear on the date of the move and stick with a firm boundary.
Don't really have any support, nobody impartial anyway. I talk to my mum and my brother but I'm starting to think they're probably sick of hearing about it by now.
I've got mates but I don't really talk to them about this stuff, it's kind of awkward trying to explain to people your girlfriend won't leave you alone with your own kid for any reason without sounding like a wrong 'un.
She says she's willing to give the house move 6 months to see how we are financially. I had to practically blackmail her into that though. I pointed out the flaw in her argument of us saving £36 a week by getting a different house by saying we'd still be in the same position because instead of paying £36 a week rent I'd simply spend £36 a week on pointless s
te. Not very grown up I know but I'm just so annoyed she's trying to talk me out of it and assume control when I'm the one that's got the ball rolling, putting up the bond, the deposit and money to furnish the place.I don't know where this sense of entitlement has come from or this expectation that we should be housed for free, she's a hard worker when she's employed and it's been nothing short of impossible to get her to accept my money when she needs stuff for herself or the baby. Preferably, as someone who's only experience of welfare was a brief 4 weeks on JSA 16 years ago, I'd love to be able to pay the lot myself but I'm not in the position I once was and whilst she's whining we have to pay £36 a week and could have something else and pay nothing, I find it demoralising we have to claim anything at all.
Also, when looking at other properties I pointed out the application fee of one, £250, I asked who she thought was going to pay that. "my mum says she'll pay it" she tells me. "Great, and if we get declined and her £250 goes the drain, how many more of those is she planning to pay for us?" She then goes on to argue we won't get declined because her mum has said she'll act as guarantor. I don't want that. We have enough going on that I don't want to worry it's all going to go tits and her parents are going to be on the hook for whatever rent is remaining. This point just seemed lost on her.
There are Surestart centres and those coffee mornings for mums, one of the neighbours helps with one and invited her along but she didn't go.
Oakey said:
I get you, I didn't know if you meant professionally or what.
Don't really have any support, nobody impartial anyway. I talk to my mum and my brother but I'm starting to think they're probably sick of hearing about it by now.
I've got mates but I don't really talk to them about this stuff, it's kind of awkward trying to explain to people your girlfriend won't leave you alone with your own kid for any reason without sounding like a wrong 'un.
She says she's willing to give the house move 6 months to see how we are financially. I had to practically blackmail her into that though. I pointed out the flaw in her argument of us saving £36 a week by getting a different house by saying we'd still be in the same position because instead of paying £36 a week rent I'd simply spend £36 a week on pointless ste. Not very grown up I know but I'm just so annoyed she's trying to talk me out of it and assume control when I'm the one that's got the ball rolling, putting up the bond, the deposit and money to furnish the place.
I don't know where this sense of entitlement has come from or this expectation that we should be housed for free, she's a hard worker when she's employed and it's been nothing short of impossible to get her to accept my money when she needs stuff for herself or the baby. Preferably, as someone who's only experience of welfare was a brief 4 weeks on JSA 16 years ago, I'd love to be able to pay the lot myself but I'm not in the position I once was and whilst she's whining we have to pay £36 a week and could have something else and pay nothing, I find it demoralising we have to claim anything at all.
Also, when looking at other properties I pointed out the application fee of one, £250, I asked who she thought was going to pay that. "my mum says she'll pay it" she tells me. "Great, and if we get declined and her £250 goes the drain, how many more of those is she planning to pay for us?" She then goes on to argue we won't get declined because her mum has said she'll act as guarantor. I don't want that. We have enough going on that I don't want to worry it's all going to go tits and her parents are going to be on the hook for whatever rent is remaining. This point just seemed lost on her.
There are Surestart centres and those coffee mornings for mums, one of the neighbours helps with one and invited her along but she didn't go.
As this situation hasn't happened overnight, it will take some time and support to change this situation, assuming you both want to change it. At what point will you determine that you have had enough. And when you reach that point what do you imagine you will do. Don't really have any support, nobody impartial anyway. I talk to my mum and my brother but I'm starting to think they're probably sick of hearing about it by now.
I've got mates but I don't really talk to them about this stuff, it's kind of awkward trying to explain to people your girlfriend won't leave you alone with your own kid for any reason without sounding like a wrong 'un.
She says she's willing to give the house move 6 months to see how we are financially. I had to practically blackmail her into that though. I pointed out the flaw in her argument of us saving £36 a week by getting a different house by saying we'd still be in the same position because instead of paying £36 a week rent I'd simply spend £36 a week on pointless s
te. Not very grown up I know but I'm just so annoyed she's trying to talk me out of it and assume control when I'm the one that's got the ball rolling, putting up the bond, the deposit and money to furnish the place.I don't know where this sense of entitlement has come from or this expectation that we should be housed for free, she's a hard worker when she's employed and it's been nothing short of impossible to get her to accept my money when she needs stuff for herself or the baby. Preferably, as someone who's only experience of welfare was a brief 4 weeks on JSA 16 years ago, I'd love to be able to pay the lot myself but I'm not in the position I once was and whilst she's whining we have to pay £36 a week and could have something else and pay nothing, I find it demoralising we have to claim anything at all.
Also, when looking at other properties I pointed out the application fee of one, £250, I asked who she thought was going to pay that. "my mum says she'll pay it" she tells me. "Great, and if we get declined and her £250 goes the drain, how many more of those is she planning to pay for us?" She then goes on to argue we won't get declined because her mum has said she'll act as guarantor. I don't want that. We have enough going on that I don't want to worry it's all going to go tits and her parents are going to be on the hook for whatever rent is remaining. This point just seemed lost on her.
There are Surestart centres and those coffee mornings for mums, one of the neighbours helps with one and invited her along but she didn't go.
I think we at least need to give it a go in our own place, I'm hoping once we have our own freedom, our own privacy and time together she'll become a bit more rational.
Part of the problem is she's constantly up and down stairs all night trying to get him back to sleep because there are so many here disturbing him all night long. Hopefully he'll be more settled in our own place and he'll have more space to play around in and become less stroppy.
If it doesn't work I guess I'll end up back at my mums until I'm back in a position to rent on my own and I'll see what fun and games come from wanting access to my son.
Part of the problem is she's constantly up and down stairs all night trying to get him back to sleep because there are so many here disturbing him all night long. Hopefully he'll be more settled in our own place and he'll have more space to play around in and become less stroppy.
If it doesn't work I guess I'll end up back at my mums until I'm back in a position to rent on my own and I'll see what fun and games come from wanting access to my son.
Oakey said:
I think we at least need to give it a go in our own place, I'm hoping once we have our own freedom, our own privacy and time together she'll become a bit more rational.
Part of the problem is she's constantly up and down stairs all night trying to get him back to sleep because there are so many here disturbing him all night long. Hopefully he'll be more settled in our own place and he'll have more space to play around in and become less stroppy.
If it doesn't work I guess I'll end up back at my mums until I'm back in a position to rent on my own and I'll see what fun and games come from wanting access to my son.
It sounds like you both have an incredible amount of stress and uncertainty to deal with at the moment. Don't be so hard on yourself and your partner, if you can create your own space and work on the issues that are most pressing. Part of the problem is she's constantly up and down stairs all night trying to get him back to sleep because there are so many here disturbing him all night long. Hopefully he'll be more settled in our own place and he'll have more space to play around in and become less stroppy.
If it doesn't work I guess I'll end up back at my mums until I'm back in a position to rent on my own and I'll see what fun and games come from wanting access to my son.
BlackLabel said:
Oakey, that's a horrible situation you're in. What do her parents say about all of this? Btw are they allowed to babysit on their own?
No, they're not allowed to have him either. I haven't spoken to them about it, at the moment I've had the feeling her mums been a bit off with me this last week or so, I suspect because I'm being portrayed as forcing the gf into moving out. Oakey said:
BlackLabel said:
Oakey, that's a horrible situation you're in. What do her parents say about all of this? Btw are they allowed to babysit on their own?
No, they're not allowed to have him either. I haven't spoken to them about it, at the moment I've had the feeling her mums been a bit off with me this last week or so, I suspect because I'm being portrayed as forcing the gf into moving out. I imagine they want the best for their daughter and grand child
Well the weirdest thing has happened this evening.
She actually suggested that when we get the keys at the end of next week, each night we'd put baby to bed then go and do some painting / wallpapering at the house for an hour or two and let her parents look after him for us. This is definitely a move forward.
She actually suggested that when we get the keys at the end of next week, each night we'd put baby to bed then go and do some painting / wallpapering at the house for an hour or two and let her parents look after him for us. This is definitely a move forward.
Oakey said:
Well the weirdest thing has happened this evening.
She actually suggested that when we get the keys at the end of next week, each night we'd put baby to bed then go and do some painting / wallpapering at the house for an hour or two and let her parents look after him for us. This is definitely a move forward.
Positive action - perhaps her folks have aleady spoken to her... They may want her out too!She actually suggested that when we get the keys at the end of next week, each night we'd put baby to bed then go and do some painting / wallpapering at the house for an hour or two and let her parents look after him for us. This is definitely a move forward.
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My new blog reveals my position and the reasons why I felt I needed to. Feedback as always is appreciated, good or bad.
My new blog reveals my position and the reasons why I felt I needed to. Feedback as always is appreciated, good or bad.
eljordo said:
Has anybody tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for their depression? My doctor has recommended this for me and I'm interested to get the views of people who have already tried it to see how successful (or not) it was.
I expect most of us on this thread will have done so.I have been having weekly CBT sessions for the past 2 months. Initially it was helpful just to talk through my thoughts, to try to find what in my life was causing the depression and anxiety and therefore nail down on the things to work on.
Through CBT and working with my therapist, we've identified that I don't associate much value to activities that build serotonin (e.g. sleeping, relaxing, reading, going for walks), and overly focus on achievement based activities (e.g. working, DIY, more working).
Now I'm into the hard bit where I'm actually trying to change things, so have to mix up my days so that they combine both of the above sets of tasks, all within a 9-5 routine (I'm off work at the moment, and my therapist is trying to reprogram me so that when I go back to work I actually know how to have a work and life balance. This sounds easy, but for me it's incredibly difficult, as I'm used to working flat out, getting very little sleep, and doing little in the way of relaxing.
I'm also not allowed to time or track any of my exercise, to stop it from becoming an achievement based task.
It's a slow process, and it's hard not to get defensive when the therapist questions your thoughts and behaviour, but my view is that even just talking about it aids the recovery process.
ladderino said:
I expect most of us on this thread will have done so.
I have been having weekly CBT sessions for the past 2 months. Initially it was helpful just to talk through my thoughts, to try to find what in my life was causing the depression and anxiety and therefore nail down on the things to work on.
Through CBT and working with my therapist, we've identified that I don't associate much value to activities that build serotonin (e.g. sleeping, relaxing, reading, going for walks), and overly focus on achievement based activities (e.g. working, DIY, more working).
Now I'm into the hard bit where I'm actually trying to change things, so have to mix up my days so that they combine both of the above sets of tasks, all within a 9-5 routine (I'm off work at the moment, and my therapist is trying to reprogram me so that when I go back to work I actually know how to have a work and life balance. This sounds easy, but for me it's incredibly difficult, as I'm used to working flat out, getting very little sleep, and doing little in the way of relaxing.
I'm also not allowed to time or track any of my exercise, to stop it from becoming an achievement based task.
It's a slow process, and it's hard not to get defensive when the therapist questions your thoughts and behaviour, but my view is that even just talking about it aids the recovery process.
The process you describe about the therapist questioning your thoughts and you feeling uncomfortable with it, will become less uncomfortable and enable you to become more aware of your thought process, this in turn will allow you to have more than one option as to how you respond and how you process your thoughts. I have been having weekly CBT sessions for the past 2 months. Initially it was helpful just to talk through my thoughts, to try to find what in my life was causing the depression and anxiety and therefore nail down on the things to work on.
Through CBT and working with my therapist, we've identified that I don't associate much value to activities that build serotonin (e.g. sleeping, relaxing, reading, going for walks), and overly focus on achievement based activities (e.g. working, DIY, more working).
Now I'm into the hard bit where I'm actually trying to change things, so have to mix up my days so that they combine both of the above sets of tasks, all within a 9-5 routine (I'm off work at the moment, and my therapist is trying to reprogram me so that when I go back to work I actually know how to have a work and life balance. This sounds easy, but for me it's incredibly difficult, as I'm used to working flat out, getting very little sleep, and doing little in the way of relaxing.
I'm also not allowed to time or track any of my exercise, to stop it from becoming an achievement based task.
It's a slow process, and it's hard not to get defensive when the therapist questions your thoughts and behaviour, but my view is that even just talking about it aids the recovery process.
Oakey said:
Think I'm finally ready to post. There were a couple of things that are making me feel ill, some of it to do with my father and some of it to do with my current relationship and my son but for now I'll just concentrate on the relationship stuff.
I've been with my girlfriend for seven years now, we have an 18month old son. This isn't my first, I have a 16yr old from a previous relationship who we had when we were young and split up when he was 18months old after she cheated. It was a turbulent relationship but despite this she never had any qualms in letting me be a father. I would go to work or college, come home, we'd have tea, then she'd go out to work from 6pm - 11pm. I'd feed my son, bath him, put him to bed, everything worked out. We had no issues with our son, specifically behavioural issues. He was a problem free child.
Contrast that to my current relationship where after the birth of our son my girlfriend seems to have unleashed the mental and dialled it up to 11. It wasn't always like this, prior to the arrival of the baby we rarely argued and the relationship was healthy but after he arrived things turned insane.
At first everything was fine, when she first came home I would get up with him in the night, feed him, change him, let her rest, etc. But then, after a few weeks, she just completely took over; feeding him, the nappy changes, bathing him, looking after him, the lot. At 18 months old I have never had any quality time to bond with my son. She's never left him with me whilst she nips into town or the shop or just to have a break. She doesn't even let me get him out of his car seat when we've been out in the car. Since the day he was born they have been joined at the hip. Furthermore, she won't let anyone else look after him either. My mother, for example, has never spent any meaningful time with him, she's not allowed to take him out and my girlfriend won't let her have him overnight, not even once a month or every few months. Her reasoning is 'he's too young' (which will become a recurring theme). I say that I don't believe he's too young to stay at a grandparents once every so often only to get shut down and told that I'm in the minority and that everyone she knows agrees with her. I am highly sceptical as I have never known anyone else to act like this. She says he can stay at my mothers (or hers) when he's old enough to decide for himself (so, some unspecified point in the future).
I often feel like she gets jealous of him becoming attached to anyone but her. When she has struggled to get him to sleep, if I have a go and I'm fortunate enough that he falls asleep for me, instead of being happy he's asleep she'll pick holes and say that he's fell asleep in the 'wrong position' and now we'll have to disturb him by moving him or something equally as petty. In addition, when I'm playing with my son and we're having fun together she never looks happy either, there's always this look on her face that suggests she's looking for something to criticise me for. For example, if he was to then fall and bump his head you can guarantee she will go mad at me and say it was my fault.
At 18 months old she has never taken a single photo of me and the baby together. There are photos of the two of us, ones taken by other people, but none she has taken. I find that odd. I look on Facebook at friends profiles and see photos of them with their kids that their other halves have taken and ask myself why it's never crossed her mind to take any photos of the two of us together, even though there has been plenty of opportunity (she's taken countless photos of the baby and numerous selfies of the two of them together). I've mentioned this to her but it just seems to have fallen on deaf ears. It often feels like she would prefer I didn't exist to my son.
We're currently living at her parents house, the three of us in a single bed in their boxroom. It's every bit the nightmare it sounds, I'm lucky if I get 3 hours sleep a night. I've been saving like mad for our own place and recently a property became available through someone my mum knows. We had first refusal, there are no agency fees or credit checks, the place is stunning. It's 2 beds and a box room which gives me somewhere to work (I work from home), a room for our son and enough space elsewhere to have a sofa bed so my eldest can stay over. So given our stty situation, I jumped at it. We we're supposed to be moving in a week. At first my girlfriend was enthusiastic (buying bits and bobs for our home, including furniture and small appliances) and was worried it'd all fall through, but then she started becoming more and more irrational. At first she said "I think he should have a bed in our room as he's too young for his own room". Again I beg to differ but I just agreed with her. Then, a week or so later, that changed to "I think he should sleep in our bed with us when we move in, as he won't settle in his own bed". Now she's wanting to pull out of moving into this house completely.
Because she's not currently working (I'll get back to this) and I earn not very much (slightly less than NMW), we're entitled to housing benefit (I'd prefer to pay my own way in life but circumstances what they are, it is what it is). We'd have to put £36 a week towards the rent. It's peanuts in the scheme of things. Suddenly, she doesn't want to move in because that £36 a week is 'too much'. She'd much prefer we move into a smaller 2 bed place so we don't have to pay any rent at all. When I asked her where I'm supposed to work she suggests I set up my desk in our sons bedroom. Nothing I say makes her see that wouldn't be conducive to a working environment. I think she should be grateful we're entitled to anything at all and that £36 a week contribution is beyond reasonable, I point out we'd be fked if we had to pay full rent, like most people. Just goes in one ear and out the other. Her other complaint is that she'd have to find a job and put the baby in nursery (which again, she says he's too young for!?). I said she wouldn't, she could find an evening job and I would look after him. Nope. She just point blank refuses to entertain that idea. What she really wants is everything handed to her on a plate so she can be the stay at home mother, because she believes nobody else should look after our son and that includes me. She has even said on two occasions "I'm the one that's raising him". Like I have no input at all? As another example, after we viewed this house she just blurted out "when we move in here nothing will change, nobody is going to come and take him out or have him overnight". I hadn't even raised the subject yet once again we were having this argument. I asked if that included me; "what about me? can I take him out? If I want to take him to the park can I do that?". She just said "we can take him out together". When I push the question and ask her for a straight answer to "can I take him out on my own or not?" she just refused to answer. It's not just me, this isn't normal, is it?
So here I am in limbo, a week away from moving in date with a girlfriend who doesn't want to move with me. I've told her I'll move in with or without her, even though that would mean I'd have to pay the full rent by myself (as a single, low earning male, I'd be entitled to zilch) and it would likely ruin me financially. However, I cannot continue to live three in a bed in a box room, the lack of sleep is making me ill and I'm getting cabin fever as we have zero privacy, zero time to ourselves and no space for any of us. The addition of having a crazy girlfriend who makes me feel like some sort of nonce case because she refuses to let me look after our son without supervision is just the icing on the cake.
I've asked her what she would do if we weren't together with regards our son and she outright stated that I wouldn't be having him overnight. I'd get to see him, with her there, but that's it. I said "and if a court decides otherwise? if they say I'm to have him overnight" she said (and I wish I was joking) "not happening, I'll find a way to stop it, I'll run away if I have to". That's right, rather than letting me have my son overnight once a week, she would RUN AWAY. What. the. fk?
On top of all this, I believe it is affecting our sons behaviour. He is a nightmare. He's just naughty, all of the time, which I believe is down to her mollycoddling him and not letting him socialise with anyone else in any meaningful capacity. She also lets him do whatever he wants, like sipping coffee out of her mug which I've argued repeatedly probably isn't good for him but her response is always "it's just a sip, what's it going to do!?". Then there's all the junk st she lets him have; crisps, biscuits, all the good stuff to ensure he bounces off the fking walls for hours on end. If he misbehaves and I tell him off, she'll instantly undermine me. If he gets upset because he's been told off for being naughty, she comforts him. I've told her she shouldn't do that but she just argues the toss about how she's "not just going to let him sit there and cry". Recently it's gone up a notch, when he doesn't get his own way he just gets so angry, to the point he's now headbutting things; people, walls, doors, windows, the floor. I don't know where this has come from and it's breaking my heart seeing him turning out like this. I don't think it's normal, I don't think he should have these issues. My ex and I certainly never went through any of this with our son and I'm certain that's because we took equal responsibility in looking after him and he was allowed to stay with family and socialise with other people, etc.
I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to. Do I move in on my own knowing it's going to be tough? Do I abandon the idea all together and just end the relationship and move back to my mums? I don't want the relationship to end but it's broken, fundamentally broken. She doesn't want to split up with me but it's difficult to believe she wants to be with me when she treats me like some sort of weirdo when it comes to our son. If she can't trust me to look after him on my own then what's the point in us being together? But if we separate then where does that leave me with my son when she's telling me I won't get to have him?
I've relented to everything and let her have her own way when it comes to our son, then I've sorted us a house, I'm paying the bond, the deposit and spending the few thousand I've saved to furnish the place, and she's just thrown it back in my face. What the hell is the sensible solution to any of this?
Took the time to read this, jesus. Sounds like you have it bad, no advice to offer just hope things get better. I have a few things going on at the moment but that put my $h1t in perspectiveI've been with my girlfriend for seven years now, we have an 18month old son. This isn't my first, I have a 16yr old from a previous relationship who we had when we were young and split up when he was 18months old after she cheated. It was a turbulent relationship but despite this she never had any qualms in letting me be a father. I would go to work or college, come home, we'd have tea, then she'd go out to work from 6pm - 11pm. I'd feed my son, bath him, put him to bed, everything worked out. We had no issues with our son, specifically behavioural issues. He was a problem free child.
Contrast that to my current relationship where after the birth of our son my girlfriend seems to have unleashed the mental and dialled it up to 11. It wasn't always like this, prior to the arrival of the baby we rarely argued and the relationship was healthy but after he arrived things turned insane.
At first everything was fine, when she first came home I would get up with him in the night, feed him, change him, let her rest, etc. But then, after a few weeks, she just completely took over; feeding him, the nappy changes, bathing him, looking after him, the lot. At 18 months old I have never had any quality time to bond with my son. She's never left him with me whilst she nips into town or the shop or just to have a break. She doesn't even let me get him out of his car seat when we've been out in the car. Since the day he was born they have been joined at the hip. Furthermore, she won't let anyone else look after him either. My mother, for example, has never spent any meaningful time with him, she's not allowed to take him out and my girlfriend won't let her have him overnight, not even once a month or every few months. Her reasoning is 'he's too young' (which will become a recurring theme). I say that I don't believe he's too young to stay at a grandparents once every so often only to get shut down and told that I'm in the minority and that everyone she knows agrees with her. I am highly sceptical as I have never known anyone else to act like this. She says he can stay at my mothers (or hers) when he's old enough to decide for himself (so, some unspecified point in the future).
I often feel like she gets jealous of him becoming attached to anyone but her. When she has struggled to get him to sleep, if I have a go and I'm fortunate enough that he falls asleep for me, instead of being happy he's asleep she'll pick holes and say that he's fell asleep in the 'wrong position' and now we'll have to disturb him by moving him or something equally as petty. In addition, when I'm playing with my son and we're having fun together she never looks happy either, there's always this look on her face that suggests she's looking for something to criticise me for. For example, if he was to then fall and bump his head you can guarantee she will go mad at me and say it was my fault.
At 18 months old she has never taken a single photo of me and the baby together. There are photos of the two of us, ones taken by other people, but none she has taken. I find that odd. I look on Facebook at friends profiles and see photos of them with their kids that their other halves have taken and ask myself why it's never crossed her mind to take any photos of the two of us together, even though there has been plenty of opportunity (she's taken countless photos of the baby and numerous selfies of the two of them together). I've mentioned this to her but it just seems to have fallen on deaf ears. It often feels like she would prefer I didn't exist to my son.
We're currently living at her parents house, the three of us in a single bed in their boxroom. It's every bit the nightmare it sounds, I'm lucky if I get 3 hours sleep a night. I've been saving like mad for our own place and recently a property became available through someone my mum knows. We had first refusal, there are no agency fees or credit checks, the place is stunning. It's 2 beds and a box room which gives me somewhere to work (I work from home), a room for our son and enough space elsewhere to have a sofa bed so my eldest can stay over. So given our s
tty situation, I jumped at it. We we're supposed to be moving in a week. At first my girlfriend was enthusiastic (buying bits and bobs for our home, including furniture and small appliances) and was worried it'd all fall through, but then she started becoming more and more irrational. At first she said "I think he should have a bed in our room as he's too young for his own room". Again I beg to differ but I just agreed with her. Then, a week or so later, that changed to "I think he should sleep in our bed with us when we move in, as he won't settle in his own bed". Now she's wanting to pull out of moving into this house completely.Because she's not currently working (I'll get back to this) and I earn not very much (slightly less than NMW), we're entitled to housing benefit (I'd prefer to pay my own way in life but circumstances what they are, it is what it is). We'd have to put £36 a week towards the rent. It's peanuts in the scheme of things. Suddenly, she doesn't want to move in because that £36 a week is 'too much'. She'd much prefer we move into a smaller 2 bed place so we don't have to pay any rent at all. When I asked her where I'm supposed to work she suggests I set up my desk in our sons bedroom. Nothing I say makes her see that wouldn't be conducive to a working environment. I think she should be grateful we're entitled to anything at all and that £36 a week contribution is beyond reasonable, I point out we'd be f
ked if we had to pay full rent, like most people. Just goes in one ear and out the other. Her other complaint is that she'd have to find a job and put the baby in nursery (which again, she says he's too young for!?). I said she wouldn't, she could find an evening job and I would look after him. Nope. She just point blank refuses to entertain that idea. What she really wants is everything handed to her on a plate so she can be the stay at home mother, because she believes nobody else should look after our son and that includes me. She has even said on two occasions "I'm the one that's raising him". Like I have no input at all? As another example, after we viewed this house she just blurted out "when we move in here nothing will change, nobody is going to come and take him out or have him overnight". I hadn't even raised the subject yet once again we were having this argument. I asked if that included me; "what about me? can I take him out? If I want to take him to the park can I do that?". She just said "we can take him out together". When I push the question and ask her for a straight answer to "can I take him out on my own or not?" she just refused to answer. It's not just me, this isn't normal, is it?So here I am in limbo, a week away from moving in date with a girlfriend who doesn't want to move with me. I've told her I'll move in with or without her, even though that would mean I'd have to pay the full rent by myself (as a single, low earning male, I'd be entitled to zilch) and it would likely ruin me financially. However, I cannot continue to live three in a bed in a box room, the lack of sleep is making me ill and I'm getting cabin fever as we have zero privacy, zero time to ourselves and no space for any of us. The addition of having a crazy girlfriend who makes me feel like some sort of nonce case because she refuses to let me look after our son without supervision is just the icing on the cake.
I've asked her what she would do if we weren't together with regards our son and she outright stated that I wouldn't be having him overnight. I'd get to see him, with her there, but that's it. I said "and if a court decides otherwise? if they say I'm to have him overnight" she said (and I wish I was joking) "not happening, I'll find a way to stop it, I'll run away if I have to". That's right, rather than letting me have my son overnight once a week, she would RUN AWAY. What. the. f
k?On top of all this, I believe it is affecting our sons behaviour. He is a nightmare. He's just naughty, all of the time, which I believe is down to her mollycoddling him and not letting him socialise with anyone else in any meaningful capacity. She also lets him do whatever he wants, like sipping coffee out of her mug which I've argued repeatedly probably isn't good for him but her response is always "it's just a sip, what's it going to do!?". Then there's all the junk s
t she lets him have; crisps, biscuits, all the good stuff to ensure he bounces off the fking walls for hours on end. If he misbehaves and I tell him off, she'll instantly undermine me. If he gets upset because he's been told off for being naughty, she comforts him. I've told her she shouldn't do that but she just argues the toss about how she's "not just going to let him sit there and cry". Recently it's gone up a notch, when he doesn't get his own way he just gets so angry, to the point he's now headbutting things; people, walls, doors, windows, the floor. I don't know where this has come from and it's breaking my heart seeing him turning out like this. I don't think it's normal, I don't think he should have these issues. My ex and I certainly never went through any of this with our son and I'm certain that's because we took equal responsibility in looking after him and he was allowed to stay with family and socialise with other people, etc. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to. Do I move in on my own knowing it's going to be tough? Do I abandon the idea all together and just end the relationship and move back to my mums? I don't want the relationship to end but it's broken, fundamentally broken. She doesn't want to split up with me but it's difficult to believe she wants to be with me when she treats me like some sort of weirdo when it comes to our son. If she can't trust me to look after him on my own then what's the point in us being together? But if we separate then where does that leave me with my son when she's telling me I won't get to have him?
I've relented to everything and let her have her own way when it comes to our son, then I've sorted us a house, I'm paying the bond, the deposit and spending the few thousand I've saved to furnish the place, and she's just thrown it back in my face. What the hell is the sensible solution to any of this?
Ruskie said:
Concerned that you mean that is the end of your blog in it's entirety and not just the blog post? Especially with the quote. You ok Rusk?
hope you can pick yourself up a bit budHi all,
I have been observing this thread for a while, and have been empathizing with many thoughts that are in here and have been struggling with various feelings like this for a while. I have had problems talking to anyone about it, by that I mean I haven't, and am currently about to leave work after sitting here fighting a horrible lump in my throat "about to burst into tears" kind of feeling for most of this week. It feels good to post here, to finally get some of it off my chest.
This hasn't really been a recent problem, it's been a real weight on me for months, but I thought I would be able to just stop feeling this way.
Sorry to ramble, I just wanted to write that I have booked an appointment on Monday morning with my GP. What happens next? I have been having absurd visions of me sobbing in the office but nothing coming of it.
I have been observing this thread for a while, and have been empathizing with many thoughts that are in here and have been struggling with various feelings like this for a while. I have had problems talking to anyone about it, by that I mean I haven't, and am currently about to leave work after sitting here fighting a horrible lump in my throat "about to burst into tears" kind of feeling for most of this week. It feels good to post here, to finally get some of it off my chest.
This hasn't really been a recent problem, it's been a real weight on me for months, but I thought I would be able to just stop feeling this way.
Sorry to ramble, I just wanted to write that I have booked an appointment on Monday morning with my GP. What happens next? I have been having absurd visions of me sobbing in the office but nothing coming of it.
1OS said:
Hi all,
I have been observing this thread for a while, and have been empathizing with many thoughts that are in here and have been struggling with various feelings like this for a while. I have had problems talking to anyone about it, by that I mean I haven't, and am currently about to leave work after sitting here fighting a horrible lump in my throat "about to burst into tears" kind of feeling for most of this week. It feels good to post here, to finally get some of it off my chest.
This hasn't really been a recent problem, it's been a real weight on me for months, but I thought I would be able to just stop feeling this way.
Sorry to ramble, I just wanted to write that I have booked an appointment on Monday morning with my GP. What happens next? I have been having absurd visions of me sobbing in the office but nothing coming of it.
I think that will strike a chord with many. I know it does with me.I have been observing this thread for a while, and have been empathizing with many thoughts that are in here and have been struggling with various feelings like this for a while. I have had problems talking to anyone about it, by that I mean I haven't, and am currently about to leave work after sitting here fighting a horrible lump in my throat "about to burst into tears" kind of feeling for most of this week. It feels good to post here, to finally get some of it off my chest.
This hasn't really been a recent problem, it's been a real weight on me for months, but I thought I would be able to just stop feeling this way.
Sorry to ramble, I just wanted to write that I have booked an appointment on Monday morning with my GP. What happens next? I have been having absurd visions of me sobbing in the office but nothing coming of it.
Do you know what kick started feeling low or has it just crept up on you?
Oh, and good on you for seeing the GP. It took me years and years before I realised/admitted something was wrong.
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