Discussion
When I loom back at the last few years of my life I do see that for a while I had what I would call old depression. The sense of feeling completely consumed and 'heavy' with grief and loss was at times relentless. Iade a conscious choice not to take a medical path but in my own way to let process those aspects that I could, when I could. It became a task of nibbling away at the heaviness and at times what I can only describe as having a head full of mushy overloaded nothingness.
For a while I side stepped around the worst of it. I learned what triggers made it unbearable, made life unbearable and instead worked on reintroducing those parts that made me happy before. Music was one - cheesy songs, happy songs, songs with upbeat rhythms and positive sentiments. I watched films that made e feel good - comedies and light hearted stories...
I became super-tuned to my emotional state. I was also mindful that it was very much in my control to change my inputs to affect my life. Life now is way more balanced but it took a he'll of a lot of active steps and proactive actions to make life move forwards. I saw stepping away from depression as something that I had to make happen - that I wasn't going to let myself be a passenger in my own life.
Sitting here typing this now, I can still recall very clearly the emotional, physical and spiritual state I was in. I do think that it took an enormous and prolonged effort to leave it behind. My nest wishes to those going through their own battles. All I can say is that there is a huge huge satisfaction in sitting quietly, reflecting on where you've come from and then realising that the strength you have inside is far greater than the gear you felt the days you thought it would or could never end. 'Youve come a long way baby' and words that sometimes echo through my own head. I hope those going through their own hard journeys get to say the same thing soon.
For a while I side stepped around the worst of it. I learned what triggers made it unbearable, made life unbearable and instead worked on reintroducing those parts that made me happy before. Music was one - cheesy songs, happy songs, songs with upbeat rhythms and positive sentiments. I watched films that made e feel good - comedies and light hearted stories...
I became super-tuned to my emotional state. I was also mindful that it was very much in my control to change my inputs to affect my life. Life now is way more balanced but it took a he'll of a lot of active steps and proactive actions to make life move forwards. I saw stepping away from depression as something that I had to make happen - that I wasn't going to let myself be a passenger in my own life.
Sitting here typing this now, I can still recall very clearly the emotional, physical and spiritual state I was in. I do think that it took an enormous and prolonged effort to leave it behind. My nest wishes to those going through their own battles. All I can say is that there is a huge huge satisfaction in sitting quietly, reflecting on where you've come from and then realising that the strength you have inside is far greater than the gear you felt the days you thought it would or could never end. 'Youve come a long way baby' and words that sometimes echo through my own head. I hope those going through their own hard journeys get to say the same thing soon.
Prof Prolapse said:
Digger said:
Nice pic djrc. Every now and again mindfulness is where it's at, shame we can't practice it all the time, given the pressures of modern life.
"What is this life if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare..."
k it". Every now and then its good to listen to ones wife 
I almost think she manipulates it sometimes...
drivin_me_nuts said:
When I loom back at the last few years of my life I do see that for a while I had what I would call old depression. The sense of feeling completely consumed and 'heavy' with grief and loss was at times relentless. Iade a conscious choice not to take a medical path but in my own way to let process those aspects that I could, when I could. It became a task of nibbling away at the heaviness and at times what I can only describe as having a head full of mushy overloaded nothingness.
For a while I side stepped around the worst of it. I learned what triggers made it unbearable, made life unbearable and instead worked on reintroducing those parts that made me happy before. Music was one - cheesy songs, happy songs, songs with upbeat rhythms and positive sentiments. I watched films that made e feel good - comedies and light hearted stories...
I became super-tuned to my emotional state. I was also mindful that it was very much in my control to change my inputs to affect my life. Life now is way more balanced but it took a he'll of a lot of active steps and proactive actions to make life move forwards. I saw stepping away from depression as something that I had to make happen - that I wasn't going to let myself be a passenger in my own life.
Sitting here typing this now, I can still recall very clearly the emotional, physical and spiritual state I was in. I do think that it took an enormous and prolonged effort to leave it behind. My nest wishes to those going through their own battles. All I can say is that there is a huge huge satisfaction in sitting quietly, reflecting on where you've come from and then realising that the strength you have inside is far greater than the gear you felt the days you thought it would or could never end. 'Youve come a long way baby' and words that sometimes echo through my own head. I hope those going through their own hard journeys get to say the same thing soon.
I found your post both uplifting and sad at the same time. For a while I side stepped around the worst of it. I learned what triggers made it unbearable, made life unbearable and instead worked on reintroducing those parts that made me happy before. Music was one - cheesy songs, happy songs, songs with upbeat rhythms and positive sentiments. I watched films that made e feel good - comedies and light hearted stories...
I became super-tuned to my emotional state. I was also mindful that it was very much in my control to change my inputs to affect my life. Life now is way more balanced but it took a he'll of a lot of active steps and proactive actions to make life move forwards. I saw stepping away from depression as something that I had to make happen - that I wasn't going to let myself be a passenger in my own life.
Sitting here typing this now, I can still recall very clearly the emotional, physical and spiritual state I was in. I do think that it took an enormous and prolonged effort to leave it behind. My nest wishes to those going through their own battles. All I can say is that there is a huge huge satisfaction in sitting quietly, reflecting on where you've come from and then realising that the strength you have inside is far greater than the gear you felt the days you thought it would or could never end. 'Youve come a long way baby' and words that sometimes echo through my own head. I hope those going through their own hard journeys get to say the same thing soon.
Uplifting because you have progressed, sad because I am no where near.
Ruskie said:
Be interested in others experiences of meds.
Been on them for 10 weeks approx. I feel completely and utterly apathetic to everything and everyone. No joy, no sadness just apathy. I understand the tablets are there to smooth out the mood swings and the highs and lows but now I have no highs!! Normally I am hornier than a teenager but that has eased off as well which again is a side effect.
What sorts of doses are those of you on fluoxetine taking? Been on them for 10 weeks approx. I feel completely and utterly apathetic to everything and everyone. No joy, no sadness just apathy. I understand the tablets are there to smooth out the mood swings and the highs and lows but now I have no highs!! Normally I am hornier than a teenager but that has eased off as well which again is a side effect.
My head has been all over the place for years (I first went on tablets in about 1999) and I'm beginning to think I might be on too much of the stuff... but then because of this I'm too apathetic to bother trying to do anything about it (although I have had CBT privately which was really useful while I was doing it but then things went back to "normal" soon after as I was signed off as being fixed).
I have the mindfulness stuff here and ready to go but.... I have no idea to be honest, it's just not happening.
thetapeworm said:
Ruskie said:
Be interested in others experiences of meds.
Been on them for 10 weeks approx. I feel completely and utterly apathetic to everything and everyone. No joy, no sadness just apathy. I understand the tablets are there to smooth out the mood swings and the highs and lows but now I have no highs!! Normally I am hornier than a teenager but that has eased off as well which again is a side effect.
What sorts of doses are those of you on fluoxetine taking? Been on them for 10 weeks approx. I feel completely and utterly apathetic to everything and everyone. No joy, no sadness just apathy. I understand the tablets are there to smooth out the mood swings and the highs and lows but now I have no highs!! Normally I am hornier than a teenager but that has eased off as well which again is a side effect.
My head has been all over the place for years (I first went on tablets in about 1999) and I'm beginning to think I might be on too much of the stuff... but then because of this I'm too apathetic to bother trying to do anything about it (although I have had CBT privately which was really useful while I was doing it but then things went back to "normal" soon after as I was signed off as being fixed).
I have the mindfulness stuff here and ready to go but.... I have no idea to be honest, it's just not happening.
So I've pretty much just had a breakdown at work. I can't lie to my boss anymore so fessed up about my health issues which fortunately he understands and didn't fire me on the spot. Think I'm going to take a few days off to rest, clear my head and think about what I need to do.
This whole issue I've had with this girl has pushed me over the edge.
This whole issue I've had with this girl has pushed me over the edge.
Petrolhead95 said:
So I've pretty much just had a breakdown at work. I can't lie to my boss anymore so fessed up about my health issues which fortunately he understands and didn't fire me on the spot. Think I'm going to take a few days off to rest, clear my head and think about what I need to do.
This whole issue I've had with this girl has pushed me over the edge.
Sorry to hear that. Keep your chin up.This whole issue I've had with this girl has pushed me over the edge.
Petrolhead95 said:
So I've pretty much just had a breakdown at work. I can't lie to my boss anymore so fessed up about my health issues which fortunately he understands and didn't fire me on the spot. Think I'm going to take a few days off to rest, clear my head and think about what I need to do.
This whole issue I've had with this girl has pushed me over the edge.
as above sorry to hear, hope you have people to talk it over with.This whole issue I've had with this girl has pushed me over the edge.
r1tey said:
Has anyone taken Mirtazapine at all and if so how did you find it? thanks
Two words. Weight gainBiscuits, sweets, chocolate, anything becomes mega tasty. And you'll sleep very well. Sometimes a bit too well. Hangovers will be heavier than normal and if you overdo it you'll have blank spots from the night before. Things will look and feel a lot better. Also, you'll still be able to pitch a tent if that's a concern.
I was on them for around 6 months, came off due to bloating and feeling much better about life in general.
andy-xr said:
r1tey said:
Has anyone taken Mirtazapine at all and if so how did you find it? thanks
Two words. Weight gainBiscuits, sweets, chocolate, anything becomes mega tasty. And you'll sleep very well. Sometimes a bit too well. Hangovers will be heavier than normal and if you overdo it you'll have blank spots from the night before. Things will look and feel a lot better. Also, you'll still be able to pitch a tent if that's a concern.
I was on them for around 6 months, came off due to bloating and feeling much better about life in general.
Finally had my first counselling session yesterday and although it was nerve racking waiting in the reception area feeling like some sort of mental fk up, it was a positive experience and finally managed to get a lot off my chest, as a result she's pinpointed that it WAS the grief of my deceased stepson which triggered it and as a result my relationship with his mother who is mother to my daughter has suffered greatly and in turn has messed both of us up.
She's suggesting i write down how I feel in letter form and give them to miss nervasport (doubt she'll give a st) and has reason to believe I have delayed depression and bereavement aswell as anxiety problems, she looked horrified when I told her I contemplated smashing my car into a flyover numerous times thinking it was a good place to end it all and that probably not being here was better for everyone. She asked me what I live for.... My daughter and told me I need to keep that in my head as every daughter needs their daddy which actually made me sob like gazza at the 1990 World Cup semis . She's the only one who can bring me back to normality and feel sortve normal again.
Supposedly it's 8 sessions on average but if it takes longer it takes longer.
I hope you all find your way to normality and happiness soon my friends !
k up, it was a positive experience and finally managed to get a lot off my chest, as a result she's pinpointed that it WAS the grief of my deceased stepson which triggered it and as a result my relationship with his mother who is mother to my daughter has suffered greatly and in turn has messed both of us up.She's suggesting i write down how I feel in letter form and give them to miss nervasport (doubt she'll give a s
t) and has reason to believe I have delayed depression and bereavement aswell as anxiety problems, she looked horrified when I told her I contemplated smashing my car into a flyover numerous times thinking it was a good place to end it all and that probably not being here was better for everyone. She asked me what I live for.... My daughter and told me I need to keep that in my head as every daughter needs their daddy which actually made me sob like gazza at the 1990 World Cup semis . She's the only one who can bring me back to normality and feel sortve normal again. Supposedly it's 8 sessions on average but if it takes longer it takes longer.
I hope you all find your way to normality and happiness soon my friends !
Edited by Nervasport on Saturday 4th October 00:37
Nervasport said:
Finally had my first counselling session yesterday and although it was nerve racking waiting in the reception area feeling like some sort of mental fk up, it was a positive experience and finally managed to get a lot off my chest, as a result she's pinpointed that it WAS the grief of my deceased stepson which triggered it and as a result my relationship with his mother who is mother to my daughter has suffered greatly and in turn has messed both of us up.
She's suggesting i write down how I feel in letter form and give them to miss nervasport (doubt she'll give a st) and has reason to believe I have delayed depression and bereavement aswell as anxiety problems, she looked horrified when I told her I contemplated smashing my car into a flyover numerous times thinking it was a good place to end it all and that probably not being here was better for everyone. She asked me what I live for.... My daughter. She's the only one who can bring me back to normality and feel sortve normal again. Supposedly it's 8 sessions on average but if it takes longer it takes longer.
I hope you all find your way to normality and happiness soon my friends !
Is this counselling or CBT?k up, it was a positive experience and finally managed to get a lot off my chest, as a result she's pinpointed that it WAS the grief of my deceased stepson which triggered it and as a result my relationship with his mother who is mother to my daughter has suffered greatly and in turn has messed both of us up.She's suggesting i write down how I feel in letter form and give them to miss nervasport (doubt she'll give a s
t) and has reason to believe I have delayed depression and bereavement aswell as anxiety problems, she looked horrified when I told her I contemplated smashing my car into a flyover numerous times thinking it was a good place to end it all and that probably not being here was better for everyone. She asked me what I live for.... My daughter. She's the only one who can bring me back to normality and feel sortve normal again. Supposedly it's 8 sessions on average but if it takes longer it takes longer.I hope you all find your way to normality and happiness soon my friends !
The hardest thing that I found with how I felt was at times the total lack of connection between my logical state and my emotional state. My 'want to do things' need to move life forwards was met with a totally brick wall of 'not a chance'. In many ways and even today it feels that I lost a year of my life to something that I can barely express in words.
Perhaps others feel similar, in that you know you don't feel 'connected', that the parts of you are just that; disconnected parts. I recall one day in particular where the conflict between the two sides was so great, that battle within so draining, that it left me feeling completely sick - like when you have flu and your head is full of mushy headed crap and every part of you aches.
It's a long road back from there to something that can even be considered 'normal' and there were many times when it feel like one step forwards and three steps back. For me it took a brutal honesty of reassessment and reappraisal before I could even begin to make any steps forwards. At times it became a self absorbed introspection, but that also changed from looking inwards to looking outwards.
For me the 'worst that could happen' was that I would wake up one day thinking I wasted my life. I am now a strong believer in that sometimes, no matter how hard it it, you have to find it within yourself to do just one positive thing one day. Even if that is go and turn the kettle on and make a coffee, or have a shower, or even just move for five minutes from the sofa or the bed. Maybe it's simplistic (but it worked for me), but sometimes to see your life from a different perspective you have to see life from a different vista - it doesn't make it easier, but what it does is it shifts the mental focus. Even if that shift lasts for five minutes it's enough.
I'm nearing fifty now. I've written about this a few years ago on PH, but about twenty years I went through a real crisis that one bizarre day after work took me to the top of Beachy head and very close to a singular drop. At the time it made perfect sense to end my life but what stopped me was the most random of things. I remember looking across the fields at the top of the cliff and seeing a man throwing a stick to a black lab. There was something in that moment, in that dogs movement that shifted something within. I will be for ever grateful to that man and his dog and even through the worst of my loss triggered bereavement and depression, my mind would still shift to that running dog.
I see it as hope - of a release, of pleasure. Of course, us humans need more than a stick to make us happy, yet in that dog's movements I saw something that made me think that what I experienced on that cliff top and what I experienced when my wife died and my world fell apart was a temporary thing. Even though it was utter hell, even though it took me to the depths of feelings of abandonment and loss, deep within I knew it was a temporary state.
Maybe for some of you reading this, these words resonate little, but I hope that for even just one person, if today the seed can germinate within you, that how you are today can be but a temporary part of your life, that your life is more than depression, then that would be a wonderful thing.
When my pain returns, as it does with anniversaries (and I have many coming up soon), my mind returns to the visual image of the dog running free on the cliff top. Perhaps that has become my visual alternative to the other one of jumping. My mind says 'where do you want to go Russell?'. I find it a very reassuring thing to recall - it's become my internal compass of knowing where i'm at and my need to be self aware/mindful until the pain passes.
Sorry for the rambling. Some things cannot be easily expressed.
Perhaps others feel similar, in that you know you don't feel 'connected', that the parts of you are just that; disconnected parts. I recall one day in particular where the conflict between the two sides was so great, that battle within so draining, that it left me feeling completely sick - like when you have flu and your head is full of mushy headed crap and every part of you aches.
It's a long road back from there to something that can even be considered 'normal' and there were many times when it feel like one step forwards and three steps back. For me it took a brutal honesty of reassessment and reappraisal before I could even begin to make any steps forwards. At times it became a self absorbed introspection, but that also changed from looking inwards to looking outwards.
For me the 'worst that could happen' was that I would wake up one day thinking I wasted my life. I am now a strong believer in that sometimes, no matter how hard it it, you have to find it within yourself to do just one positive thing one day. Even if that is go and turn the kettle on and make a coffee, or have a shower, or even just move for five minutes from the sofa or the bed. Maybe it's simplistic (but it worked for me), but sometimes to see your life from a different perspective you have to see life from a different vista - it doesn't make it easier, but what it does is it shifts the mental focus. Even if that shift lasts for five minutes it's enough.
I'm nearing fifty now. I've written about this a few years ago on PH, but about twenty years I went through a real crisis that one bizarre day after work took me to the top of Beachy head and very close to a singular drop. At the time it made perfect sense to end my life but what stopped me was the most random of things. I remember looking across the fields at the top of the cliff and seeing a man throwing a stick to a black lab. There was something in that moment, in that dogs movement that shifted something within. I will be for ever grateful to that man and his dog and even through the worst of my loss triggered bereavement and depression, my mind would still shift to that running dog.
I see it as hope - of a release, of pleasure. Of course, us humans need more than a stick to make us happy, yet in that dog's movements I saw something that made me think that what I experienced on that cliff top and what I experienced when my wife died and my world fell apart was a temporary thing. Even though it was utter hell, even though it took me to the depths of feelings of abandonment and loss, deep within I knew it was a temporary state.
Maybe for some of you reading this, these words resonate little, but I hope that for even just one person, if today the seed can germinate within you, that how you are today can be but a temporary part of your life, that your life is more than depression, then that would be a wonderful thing.
When my pain returns, as it does with anniversaries (and I have many coming up soon), my mind returns to the visual image of the dog running free on the cliff top. Perhaps that has become my visual alternative to the other one of jumping. My mind says 'where do you want to go Russell?'. I find it a very reassuring thing to recall - it's become my internal compass of knowing where i'm at and my need to be self aware/mindful until the pain passes.
Sorry for the rambling. Some things cannot be easily expressed.
drivin_me_nuts said:
The hardest thing that I found with how I felt was at times the total lack of connection between my logical state and my emotional state. My 'want to do things' need to move life forwards was met with a totally brick wall of 'not a chance'. In many ways and even today it feels that I lost a year of my life to something that I can barely express in words.
Perhaps others feel similar, in that you know you don't feel 'connected', that the parts of you are just that; disconnected parts. I recall one day in particular where the conflict between the two sides was so great, that battle within so draining, that it left me feeling completely sick - like when you have flu and your head is full of mushy headed crap and every part of you aches.
It's a long road back from there to something that can even be considered 'normal' and there were many times when it feel like one step forwards and three steps back. For me it took a brutal honesty of reassessment and reappraisal before I could even begin to make any steps forwards. At times it became a self absorbed introspection, but that also changed from looking inwards to looking outwards.
For me the 'worst that could happen' was that I would wake up one day thinking I wasted my life. I am now a strong believer in that sometimes, no matter how hard it it, you have to find it within yourself to do just one positive thing one day. Even if that is go and turn the kettle on and make a coffee, or have a shower, or even just move for five minutes from the sofa or the bed. Maybe it's simplistic (but it worked for me), but sometimes to see your life from a different perspective you have to see life from a different vista - it doesn't make it easier, but what it does is it shifts the mental focus. Even if that shift lasts for five minutes it's enough.
I'm nearing fifty now. I've written about this a few years ago on PH, but about twenty years I went through a real crisis that one bizarre day after work took me to the top of Beachy head and very close to a singular drop. At the time it made perfect sense to end my life but what stopped me was the most random of things. I remember looking across the fields at the top of the cliff and seeing a man throwing a stick to a black lab. There was something in that moment, in that dogs movement that shifted something within. I will be for ever grateful to that man and his dog and even through the worst of my loss triggered bereavement and depression, my mind would still shift to that running dog.
I see it as hope - of a release, of pleasure. Of course, us humans need more than a stick to make us happy, yet in that dog's movements I saw something that made me think that what I experienced on that cliff top and what I experienced when my wife died and my world fell apart was a temporary thing. Even though it was utter hell, even though it took me to the depths of feelings of abandonment and loss, deep within I knew it was a temporary state.
Maybe for some of you reading this, these words resonate little, but I hope that for even just one person, if today the seed can germinate within you, that how you are today can be but a temporary part of your life, that your life is more than depression, then that would be a wonderful thing.
When my pain returns, as it does with anniversaries (and I have many coming up soon), my mind returns to the visual image of the dog running free on the cliff top. Perhaps that has become my visual alternative to the other one of jumping. My mind says 'where do you want to go Russell?'. I find it a very reassuring thing to recall - it's become my internal compass of knowing where i'm at and my need to be self aware/mindful until the pain passes.
Sorry for the rambling. Some things cannot be easily expressed.
Thanks for posting that - those words really struck a chord with me. For me it was a picture of my kids that changed my actions.Perhaps others feel similar, in that you know you don't feel 'connected', that the parts of you are just that; disconnected parts. I recall one day in particular where the conflict between the two sides was so great, that battle within so draining, that it left me feeling completely sick - like when you have flu and your head is full of mushy headed crap and every part of you aches.
It's a long road back from there to something that can even be considered 'normal' and there were many times when it feel like one step forwards and three steps back. For me it took a brutal honesty of reassessment and reappraisal before I could even begin to make any steps forwards. At times it became a self absorbed introspection, but that also changed from looking inwards to looking outwards.
For me the 'worst that could happen' was that I would wake up one day thinking I wasted my life. I am now a strong believer in that sometimes, no matter how hard it it, you have to find it within yourself to do just one positive thing one day. Even if that is go and turn the kettle on and make a coffee, or have a shower, or even just move for five minutes from the sofa or the bed. Maybe it's simplistic (but it worked for me), but sometimes to see your life from a different perspective you have to see life from a different vista - it doesn't make it easier, but what it does is it shifts the mental focus. Even if that shift lasts for five minutes it's enough.
I'm nearing fifty now. I've written about this a few years ago on PH, but about twenty years I went through a real crisis that one bizarre day after work took me to the top of Beachy head and very close to a singular drop. At the time it made perfect sense to end my life but what stopped me was the most random of things. I remember looking across the fields at the top of the cliff and seeing a man throwing a stick to a black lab. There was something in that moment, in that dogs movement that shifted something within. I will be for ever grateful to that man and his dog and even through the worst of my loss triggered bereavement and depression, my mind would still shift to that running dog.
I see it as hope - of a release, of pleasure. Of course, us humans need more than a stick to make us happy, yet in that dog's movements I saw something that made me think that what I experienced on that cliff top and what I experienced when my wife died and my world fell apart was a temporary thing. Even though it was utter hell, even though it took me to the depths of feelings of abandonment and loss, deep within I knew it was a temporary state.
Maybe for some of you reading this, these words resonate little, but I hope that for even just one person, if today the seed can germinate within you, that how you are today can be but a temporary part of your life, that your life is more than depression, then that would be a wonderful thing.
When my pain returns, as it does with anniversaries (and I have many coming up soon), my mind returns to the visual image of the dog running free on the cliff top. Perhaps that has become my visual alternative to the other one of jumping. My mind says 'where do you want to go Russell?'. I find it a very reassuring thing to recall - it's become my internal compass of knowing where i'm at and my need to be self aware/mindful until the pain passes.
Sorry for the rambling. Some things cannot be easily expressed.
There are some dark days but I keep telling myself that it will soon pass, just wait for the first glimmer of sunlight after the storm.
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